Why the Bulls don’t have an effing prayer

During play off time it is the same story every year.  Teams travelling across the Indian Ocean to play in an away knock out game talk a good game.  You’ll heard the words “quietly confident”, “happy to be underdogs”, and “this time it feels different”.  In the words of the Nobel Prize winning economist Milton Friedman: “Bullshit”.

There are several reasons why Bulls fans shouldn’t allow themselves to get their hopes up for this weekend’s knockout clash against the Crusaders in Christchurch:

  • They are playing the Crusaders.  In Christchurch.
  • Dan.  Fuckin’.  Carter.
  • They are playing the Crusaders.  In Christchurch.
  • Richie.  Fuckin’.  McCaw.
  • Zane “The Crazy Train” Kirchner will be wearing a Blue Bulls jersey.
  • History, science and the basic laws of physics.
  • Bjorn Basson’s evil wizard goatee hasn’t actually given him any supernatural powers at all or even a casting role in the new Harry Potter movie.
  • They are playing the Crusaders.  In Christchurch.

It can’t be done fellows.   Listening to Bulls fans talk optimistically is a little like hearing your best friend talk about how he thinks he can patch things up with his recently broken up girlfriend.  The writing is on the wall, and though it pains you  to see a fellow fan in a state of self-delusion, you haven’t the heart to quite give them the brutal bad news.  It’s why you never became a surgeon.   “But this time is different” they protest.   Soon enough, the argument starts to begin sounding like a creationist debating with an evolutionary biologist. Your heart goes out for the desparate clutching for hope, anything that will say things will be ok.

Zane “the Crazy Train” Kirchner. Is he the kakkest player to ever wear the Bulls 15 jersey?

Remember fans – if you aim low… you’ll never be disappointed.

Don’t panic just yet: Zane is only in the squad not the starting line up

Okay, new coaches get to pick players with whom they are comfortable.  I get that.  But come on… Zane Kirchner?   When PdV picked Sideshow Bob Kirchner for the British Lions series in 2009 I was willing to put it down to the mad ramblings of an insane man – after all it was a dead rubber.

  • No Heinrich “God’s gift to rugby” Brussouw?
  • Wynand Olivier and JJ Engelbrecht (WTF is all I will say to this)
  • No Gio Aplon
  • Jano Vermaak

If we end up coughing up this series to the English there are going to be some seriously pissed off Stormers and Sharks fans in this country.  He could make this all okay by admitting he did it just to upset the Cape Town media cartel and that he will actually be picking Lambo at full back and that JJ Engelbrecht is nothing more than an alternative spelling for Heinrich Brussouw.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCCyvAwbbso?rel=0&w=560&h=315]

Heyneke.  I wanted you to be Bok coach, but not like this…