Pat Lambie sets his 2012 goal: the ability to grow facial hair

Our usually reliable source in Durban (the same one who said that Suarez was a nice guy, actually) has reliably informed us that young Patrick Lambie has been on a gruelling off season training routine trying to grow something resembling facial hair.  He has set himself the 2012 goal of a little pencil moustache before the end of the year and a career goal of trying to emulate the “grizzly bear on crack” look from Josh Strauss’ 2011 season.

Lambo’s motivation to achieve this 2012 goal came from a party after the World Cup, where he was openly mocked by several Stellenbosch groupies at the Acapulco Spur.  Insults like “Hey… Clean Shirt” and “Gillette Boy” were bandied about with much regularlarity until Lambie was seen bursting into tears only to be rescued by Victor Matfield who proceeded to stop the taunting by repeatedly smashing Bismark Du Plessis’ face into the bar counter.  Lambie spent the rest of the evening crouched in the fetal position in the corner of the bar, whispering to himself and sobbing gently every now and then.  Out of this dark evening was born Pat’s hunger to grow facial hair and to one day be able to imitate the two heroes in his life: Victor Matfield and Mark Lawrence.

His rigorous off season of “manning up” has included his first taste of alchohol, learning “lines” to use on girls at bars, a weekend camping at the Cedarberg without his Playstation 3 and his first trip to Mavericks (which ended badly, but he has vowed to try again).  Bismark has had to make things up to Lambie by helping him with his dress sense (no more Bugs Bunny ties at Springbok sporting functions Lambo!) and also by teaching him how to eye-gouge and apply the “one-incher” at the bottom of the ruck.  If things don’t improve before season end we understand he will be hiring Mike Tindale…

Lambie has been known to hide his shame by surrounding himself with complete knobs in a desparate attempt to appear likeable.

Australia spank the Barbarians good and proper

Australia totally outclassed the Baa-Baa’s at Twickenham yesterday, thrashing them 60-11.

It was a disappointing end to the international career of one of South Africa’s all-time greats Victor Matfield, who rather sheepishly admitted (see what I did there!) that the team were not quite up to the attacking flair shown by the Aussies.

Farewell Victor…you’ve had a fine career but unfortunately you don’t get the spoils this time.

There were concerns that the Baa-Baa's weren't taking the match as seriously as they should.

Francois Hougaard: How it all began

As a young boy Francois had very little interest in rugby. In fact one could go as far as to say that he actually hated the game.

Growing up on a small holding just outside of Paarl Francois’ interests were heavily influenced by his four older sisters and it didn’t take long for him to find his true passion in life…cheerleading.

Soon Francois was dedicating all of his free time to learning everything he could about this much under appreciated art form. He spent ages studying the techniques of the past greats, focusing on champion cheerleaders such as “Kurt McCurdy”, “Leroy De Kous-kous” and “Little Jonny Johnson”. His hunger for knowledge was matched only by his ambition to succeed.

All of his hard work soon paid off and it came as no surprise when Francois was named as Captain of his schools’ elite cheerleading squad at the tender age of just 15. Further success followed in the form of an invitation to try out for the U17 “Wynland Regions”  squad, an opportunity he made full use of by being named “Most Flexible Newcomer” that year.

After completing Matric Francois knew that the only way he could do justice to his burgeoning cheerleading talents would be by joining up with a professional cheerleading outfit, so when he heard that the “Bulls Babes” were auditioning he packed up his Mazda 323 and made a bee-line north for Pretoria.

Unfortunately Francois hadn’t realised that he lacked the essential “physical attributes” necessary to become a successful “Bulls Babe” and the audition was a complete disaster.

Thankfully though, fate had other plans for him and it surely wasn’t just a coincidence that both Victor Matfield and Frans Ludeke were in attendance that day, checking out the quality of the new talent on offer. His energetic and abrasive audition routine so impressed the two men that they offered him a trial run with the Bulls that very same day. Having no other viable options available to him Francois accepted and the rest, as they say, is history.

Rugby has been kind to Francois and although he’s risen to the top of the game it’s a poorly kept secret that his heart still belongs to cheerleading.                    Keep an eye on him the next time he plays and you’ll more than likely notice him lustily staring at the cheerleaders as they go about their business…

Longing…wanting…sometimes even softly weeping…

Francois' favourite cheer: 1,2,3,4...Let me hear you scream some more...GO BULLE!!!

Ben Cohen fights the good fight against homophobia

Well done Ben Cohen. I always thought that for the physique and power that Ben Cohen had as a player he never quite dominated test rugby as much as he could have.  But he has found a worthy cause post retirement.  As a straight married man, he has taken a stand against homophobia and bullying in sport.   Good on ya, Ben. You’ve even made the New York Times with this ballsy stand that can be pretty unpopular in a so-called “macho” sport.

“in a world where no active American athletes in a major male team sport has declared his homosexuality, it remains rare for athletes to chime in on the issue of gay rights. Recent exceptions, beyond Avery, include Grant Hill and Jared Dudley of the Phoenix Suns, who recorded a public-service announcement decrying gay slurs in sports.

Cohen and Taylor are going much further.

Cohen, 32, just retired from a rugby career that included a World Cup title for England in 2003 and more than a decade with the Northampton Saints. Despite being married with 3 ½-year-old twin daughters, he has long had a huge following among gay fans.”

Rugby has a lot of ugly skeletons in this closet – especially in South Africa and we’ve done precious little to rectify this situation, except whinge about our “rights’ and “symbols”. The Varsity Cup in South Africa is a noteworthy exception taking a stand against Violence Against Women.  Other than that, it is just the usual cringe worthy stuff – instead of tackling the real problems in our society, we get Steve Hofmeyer bleating about folk rights and Victor Matfield tackling porn on DSTV.

Good grief Springboks, take a look up north where players are putting their celebrity to actual good use and learn a lesson.  This country could use it, and it might make the Springbok emblem a little more acceptable to a larger base.