‘New look’ England to take on Barbarians

There’s a good chance you won’t recognise the England team taking to the field in today’s match with the Barbarians in Kimberley.

None of the players involved in Saturday’s loss to the Bokke will be in action, with head coach Stuart Lancaster allowing some ‘fresh-blood’ to show the first-team what their made of.

Lancaster said:

“I think this new batch of players are braced for the impact of today’s match. We have conducted many tests in training to ensure that the players can cope with the full demands and stresses of international rugby.

It’s a whole new scientific approach to the game, these guys are ready to take all the crash-tackles the Barbarians can throw at them!”

The new look England team ‘braced for the impact’.

England name squad for South African tour de farce

England have named their 42-man squad for their tour to South Africa next month.

Stuart Lancaster, who was offered the head honcho role back in March, has stuck with a similar squad to the one that ended the 6 Nations on high by beating Ireland 30 – 9 and finishing in a respectable 2nd place.

The selectors have also chosen to bring back hell raising scrum-half Danny ‘Day’ Care, after his stint on the naughty step for repeated alcohol related benders (see previous BDR post).

Care commented:

“I’m really looking forward to being a part of this tour. I’ve heard the beaches and wine in South Africa are up there with the best! But this is no holiday, well…it’s kind of a holiday…I mean sure, we’re out there to play rugby, but you still got have time to unwind and let your hair down. When in Rome and all that!”

Stuart Lancaster…will want to keep a tight grip on his balls during the tour to SA.

England cause 6 Nations upset

Stuart Lancaster’s England team caused shockwaves throughout the rugby world on Sunday by turning up to their match in Paris completely sober. 

According to sources within the camp, the players had an early night-in on the Saturday, with some marshmallow-topped hot chocolates to accompany a DVD viewing of The Bodyguard

It was lights-out at 11pm, but not before the evening was topped-off with prop Matt Stevens (who reached the final of Celebrity X Factor in 2006) serenading the players to sleep with an emotional rendition of the Julie Garland classic Over the Rainbow. Bless.

The team also managed to beat 6 Nations contenders France, resulting in their first home defeat in 10 matches.

Matt Stevens' singing was said to cause 'man tears'

England training to involve regular AA meetings

England’s caretaker coach Stuart Lancaster is contemplating regular AA meetings as part of the team’s preparation ahead of the Six Nations next month.

This comes after scrum-half Danny Care was arrested twice in three weeks for drink‑related offences. The Harlequins player was stopped by police on New Year’s Eve for driving while twice over the limit, having previously been arrested for being drunk and disorderly.

Care has now been thrown-out of the squad and Lancaster is said to be extremely disappointed, reportedly saying ‘Danny is an embarrassment to the team, Tindall would’ve been at least five times over the limit and would still have had the sense to try and do a runner…he has a BMW 5-series for Christ’s sake!’

The recently appointed coach is insisting that there is not an endemic drinking problem within the England ranks and has defended the proposed AA meetings as being a motivational exercise in which the players will learn to have fun outside of a ‘24-hour drug fueled partython environment.’

The dramatically reduced risk of hepatitis of the liver would just be an added bonus.

Danny Care contemplates missing-out on the Six nations...over a stiff drink of course.