Mallett demands Rob Andrew’s head on a plate…with a side order of Lady Gaga

Nick Mallett has confirmed that he may still be in the running as the new England coach, but only on the condition that Rob Andrew ‘eats twenty strawberry flavoured energy bars in the space of five minutes’. 

In addition to this he has also demanded that the Director of Elite Rugby at the RFU simultaneously perform a rendition of Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance in a ‘coherent fashion that is perceptibly akin to the spirit of the original recording’. 

Mallett’s somewhat bizarre requests have reportedly been taken into consideration by the RFU board, though it is still not known what Andrew’s thoughts are and whether he is even a Gaga fan or just considers himself to be a casual listener. 

Mallett is currently the strongest candidate for the job, but the former Italy and Boks coach has made his thoughts on the Director of Elite Rugby role very clear in the past, having referred to it as ‘a load of crusty old bollocks’ in a press statement earlier this week.

Time to start working on that Gaga reflex Rob!

Rob Andrew and Martin Johnson watch as their careers float away.

Leaked report reveals English players greed

A leaked RFU document has brought England’s woe-ridden rugby World-Cup campaign into the spotlight once more.

Just a week after Martin Johnson stepped-down as the Big Dog in charge, a shock report has now revealed that the England players were more focused on money than rugby during the tournament.

Whereas it was previously thought that the team was playing according to the code of The Order of Knights Templar, championing such noble ideals as chivalry and the protection of freedom and liberty – it turns out they were just in it for the cash.

Anonymous interviews with players revealed further shock revelations. For instance, during coaching sessions certain players reportedly refused to chase the ball unless it was painted gold and had a pound sign on it. Prop Matt Stevens was also made to dress-up as the ‘tax man’ in an attempt to encourage more ferocious tackling from the greed riddled players.

Senior players are said to have disputed the amount of money they were being paid on the eve of the tournament, with one squad member demanding  ‘at least 5 times as much as that cock Richie McCaw’.

Pay to play

Bladdy hell, did someone crank up the heat in here?

Post by our new contributor Ron Burgundy (technology issues aside)

I recently attended a comedy gig in town.

It should have been, in my eyes anyway, a fun date out with a lass who I was keen to impress with my ability to tap into the underground comedy scene in South Africa

It backfired – horribly. The young comedian was a poor version of Seth Rogen; no, in fact he was a pauper when it came to the material he had on him.

There I was, a deflated man, slumped in the theatre chair as we endured 70 minutes of hell (thank the Pope and his trusty band of Cardinals that the comedian didn’t see out the extra time).

Thereafter it was a case of damage control as I tried to claw my way back into contention for the rest of the evening.

I have a trump card though, and I feel obligated to share it so that if anyone has one of those moments/days when you just know, straight up from the kick off, that you’re up against it for the full 80.

The trump card is an interview from a few years back conducted by a Sky Sports Vulture commentator, with his prey being the massive ripe carcass of WC2003 winning captain Martin Johnson, after a particularly poor performance at the Fortress.

I reckon this is also an appropriate clip to ramp up excitement levels for Saturday’s “Le Crunch” .

(See also:

Now we’re cooking on gas, someone just turned up the heat….enjoy!