Dear Dr Jannie: The 4th Letter

Dear Dr Jannie,

I’ve probably made the biggest mistake of my life and I really need your help!

A couple of weeks ago my best friend was out of the country on business. I was home alone one evening when his girlfriend of 6 years stopped by to pick up some DVD’s. Now there’s always been a bit of chemistry between the two of us but nothing’s ever happened and I never expected anything to.
I don’t know what it was that night Dr Jannie, maybe it was the combination of a few glasses of red wine and the Bobby van Jaarsveld CD that I had playing on the stereo, but regardless, one thing led to another and the next thing I knew we were having intimate relations on the couch.

I feel sick to my stomach with guilt and have been avoiding my friend ever since he returned. I’m worried that if I tell him our friendship will be over, but at the same time I cannot continue to live in this state of anguish.

Please help!

Racked with guilt.


Dear Racked with guilt,

When Bismarck and I were growing up on the farm we were both secretly in love with the neighbouring farmers’ eldest daughter, Antjie.

She was a beautiful girl with lovely strawberry blonde hair and a real skill for operating a combine harvester. It was love at first sight for the both of us and I still remember the moment we first laid eyes on her like it was yesterday.

One afternoon as Bismarck and I were walking back from choir practice we saw Anjtie out in the field battling to get the harvester started. Bismarck dropped his satchel and turned to me and said: “Get lost Jannie you dick, I’ll take care of this one“, before disappearing in a cloud of dust.

Now normally I would have listened to Bismarck and just made my way back to the farmhouse, but love can make you do funny things and I wasn’t about to let him steal the show.

I tucked in my shirt, picked up his satchel and made my way over to Blitzkrieg’s enclosure, where I carefully placed the largest of his poops into Bismarcks’ bag. Initially, the idea was to let Bismarck find the nasty surprise for himself, but when I saw that he had taken off his shirt to help Antjie with the harvester I knew that that wouldn’t be enough. I walked over to where they were, said “Hi” to Antjie, gave her the satchel and asked her to let Bismarck know that Mummy wanted him home in 10 minutes for “bath time”.

Do what you need to do, Racked with guilt, and go well.

Dr Jannie.