Big Daddy’s Essential ‘All You Can Eat’ Guide to the 6 Nations 2012

There was alot of testosterone in the room that day.

 

So the big chill has finally descended on Europe (I am literally typing this while wearing a pair of gloves!)….and just when we thought we were going to get away with the mildest winter since the Jurassic period. This coupled with the post-Xmas blues has meant the only thing stopping half-frozen commuters from ending it all by hurtling themselves on to the railway-tracks (only to find that their train has been delayed by half an hour…awkward) has been a morbid fascination to see how the Eurozone debt crisis turns out.

The good news for us Northern Hemisphere folk is that there will be a reason to get out of bed this weekend (unless you have a TV in the bedroom, in which case you won’t have to move at all), as International Rugby is back on the menu with the start of the 6 Nations tournament! Yeeehaw….

And just so you can enjoy it all the more, here’s Big Daddy’s essential guide:

 

ENGLAND

Coach: Stuart Lancaster – no pressure Stu, the RFU is right behind you…literally, so watch your back.

Captain: Chris Robshaw – has more syllables in his name than caps…experience isn’t everything, is it?

Man to watch: David Strettle – the Premiership’s in-form winger.

Strapline: A young, inexperienced side with a lot to prove but not much to live up to.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Policy of Truth or Condemnation (depending on how much the tabloids find out)

Team motto: ‘No news is good news’.

BDR’s Prediction: 4th

 

FRANCE

Coach: Philippe Saint-Andre, also known as ‘The Pig’…apparently.

Captain: Thierry Dusautoir – IRB player of the year.

Man to watch: Imanol Harinordoquy – you can’t pronounce his name and he hates you for it. A tour de force.

Strapline: The team to beat…if they decide to play.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Sometimes or A Question of Lust (depending on what mood they’re in)

Team motto: ‘Give it to Thierry’.

BDR’s Prediction: 1st

 

IRELAND

Coach: Declan Kidney – softly spoken number-cruncher.

Captain: Paul O’Connell – in the absence of injured golden-boy Brian O’Driscoll.

Man to watch: Stephen Ferris – a potato man-mountain with speed.

Strapline: Not as good as their provincial teams.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Never Let Me Down Again

Team motto: ‘Age before beauty.’

BDR’s Prediction: 3rd

 

ITALY

Coach: Jacques Brunel – a Frenchman, a turncoat…a part-time amateur film-maker?!

Captain: Sergio Parisse – if they could clone him to make a whole team, they would.

Man to watch: Martin Castrogiovanni – powerful name, powerful man.

Strapline: The whipping-boys

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Dream On

Team motto: ‘Rome was not built in a day…or even 10 years’

BDR’s Prediction: 6th – at best.

 

SCOTLAND

Coach: Andy Robinson – lost his hair even before he started coaching Scotland.

Captain: Ross Ford – who?!…he’s replacing Kelly Brown…oh…wait… who?!

Man to watch: John Barclay – best flanker in the tournament, depending on who you’re talking to and if they’re Scottish.

Strapline:  If only they could score a try they might win something.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Everything Counts

Team motto: ‘The end justifies the means’.

BDR’s Prediction: 5th

 

WALES

Coach: Warren Gatland – Wales’ adopted son.

Captain: Sam Warburton – one of the players of the World Cup…when he stays on the field.

Man to watch: George North – “It’s alive!”…and it’s as fast as a friggin freight-train.

Strapline: Best of the Home Nations…could win it if they have belief.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: A Question of Time or Agent Orange (if Gavin Henson is in the squad)

Team motto: ‘Boys will be boys’.

BDR’s Prediction: 2nd

Candy in his heels…sponge in his brain

Will drop pants for place in Welsh squad.

Who can take a sunrise
Sprinkle it in dew
Cover it in chocolate
and a miracle or two?

The Gav-man
The Gav-man can
The Gav-man can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good

Who can take a rainbow
Wrap it as a sigh
Soak it in the sun
and make a strawberry lemon pie?

Children: The Gav-man?

The Gav-man
The Gav-man can
The Gav-man can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good

Henson given life-line….whereas O’Driscoll needs more time

Gavin Henson has decided to take a well deserved (and encouraged!) break from his busy reality tv schedule by returning to the rugby field on Saturday when the Welsh host the English at the Millennium Stadium. The men in red will be hoping to exact revenge on their neighbours for last weeks defeat and for blatantly stealing the format of a typical night-out in Swansea and re-enacting it on the streets of London and other English cities earlier this week. As always, Henson will be out to dazzle the English with his bright orange glow and fancy footwork (mostly learnt from his recent stint in ballroom dancing).

Gav...you missed a spot or two!

Across the English channel the Irish will be visiting the South of France, though they won’t be packing their sun-cream and novelty Guinness hats, as they can expect a bruising encounter with Mark Lievremont’s team in a part of the country in which they actually enjoy rugby more than lovemaking and Jean-Luc Godard re-runs. Unfortunately for the Irish, they are still lacking their playmaker and all-round wunderkind Brian O’Driscoll, who is yet to return while working on the final draft of his autobiography ‘On the seventh day God created me’.

Brian O'Driscoll with his 'ride'

Like a kid in a candy store

Oh dear…our friend (and he really is one of Big Daddy’s favourites!) Gavin Henson has slipped under the radar a bit hasn’t he? Oh well…there’s no use crying over spilt fake tan, so chin up and chest out…as this old dog has few more tricks up his extra tight sleeve! The Gavster has been branching out from the ‘day job’ quite a bit recently. There was his appearance in the BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing last year – great for the ratings, but not so good for dance appreciators – with Gav displaying about as much grace and poise as Stephen Hawking on a half-pipe. This year he also took part in an Arctic survival show in which he had to go without a face mask for a full two weeks and in his words, ‘risked my life seven or maybe eight times’.

Your place or mine? (Gavin Henson set to appear in The Bachelor)

The good news for fans such as me is that Gav is now set to appear in the UK version of the hit US show The Bachelor – in which 25 models compete for the Welsh crumpet’s affections. This is a whole new ball game for Gav, who has been on the single scene for over a year now and is apparently looking forward to ‘getting to know the girls before taking them home’ for a change. It’s bound to be classy stuff!

I’m pretty darn sure he’s particularly looking forward to having a household of (let’s face it!) call girls to compare grooming techniques with. I can’t wait for the episode with the full back, sack and crack.

The future’s bright, the future’s orange…

Big Daddy readers – by the numbers

One of the advantages of using WordPress as your blogging software is that it provides some nifty statistics on the visitors to your site.  As a visitor of our site, we thought it would be interesting to see the illustrious company you are keeping when it comes to your surfing habits.

Besides  – we thought we’d do the WikiLeaks thing and share our secrets with our user base in protest against the government’s proposed Protection of Information Act.

Knock yourself out folks:

Gavin Henson: How not to make a World Cup Squad

Anyone remember Gavin Henson? You know, the great perma-tanned hope of Welsh rugby who’s dined out on one big tackle and a long-range penalty for pretty much his entire career?

You know, the guy who dated Charlotte Church for a while and the guy who took a break from rugby to take part in the Reality TV show “Strictly come dancing”?

Yeah, that’s the Gavin Henson I’m talking about.

Now Gav has had a number of well documented run ins with team mates and coaching staff and my sources in the Welsh camp tell me that “he’s a bit of a knob”, so when I read the news that Gav had decided to bless us once more with his God-given rugby gift and joined up with French team Toulon, I knew that trouble was not far around the corner.

With this gig at Toulon being seen as his last opportunity to snake his way back into the Welsh squad one would have expected him to knuckle down and to just focus on getting some game time under his belt, but alas, Gav marches to a very different drum.

Whilst out celebrating a victory with his team mates Gav decided that the natural progression of events for the evening should go something like this:

    Get pissed
    Mock Johnny Wilkinson
    Mock the Captain Joe Van Niekerk
    Get into a fight with scrum half Matt Henjak
    Go home and weep in the dark

Brilliant!!

The club are expected to announce later today that his contract has been “terminated” and with that his chances of playing in the World Cup later this year.

I can’t help but feel that this is good news for the Welsh, but bad news for the Boks.

Lay off the “Brutal Fruit” Gav, it’s not helping.

Gav Henson - Young, Dumb and full of...Rum?