Private Conversations: Dick Muir & Gary Gold

If you keep an eye on International news you’ll know that there’s been a bit of a “skandaal” over in the UK recently regarding some naughty “journalists” hacking into people’s’ phones and recording the conversations. It’s a bold move, sure,  but it’s also an old move. Phone Hacking has been an integral part of our operations at Big Daddy Rugby for a while now and we like to think of ourselves as pioneers in the field.

So, after very little discussion and largely due to the current piss poor state of SA Rugby we’ve decided to get our own back and release some of the transcripts of the many conversations we’ve recorded.
The people have a right to know!

We kick things off with an intimate chat between Gary Gold and Dick Muir on the eve of the Durban Test against the Aussies:

Dick Muir: Hey, what’s up, Golden Child?

Gary Gold: Hey Dickhead, not a lot really, just checking in to see what you’re up to? I’m pretty bored.

DM: Ja, me too. Not much happening here, man. I should be working on my team talk but I can’t really be arsed. Think I’m just gonna say the same thing as always and feed the guys the line about having “pride in the jersey” blah, blah, blah.

GG: Ja, that’ll work. Most of the guys put their headphones on when you speak anyways, so I don’t think it really matters what you say.

DM: Ja, I suppose you’re right, the ungrateful punks. I mean I’m the backline coach, the bloody BACKLINE COACH, and these guys all think that they know better!? Well they can learn the hard way then. Don’t tell Div, but I’ve put a few Rands on the Aussies doing us tomorrow.

GG: Don’t worry about it Dickhead, Div and I did the same thing, nothing too extreme though. There’s no harm in a little wager every now and then is there?

DM: Listen Golden Child, um, do you mind not calling me Dickhead anymore?

GG: What?!

DM: Ja, I don’t know man, it’s kind of a bit rude isn’t it? And it also sort of undermines me in front of the players, you know?

GG: No ways!! The guys love it! I thought you did too?

DM: Nah, not really man.

GG:Agh, ok, I suppose. How about Mr Dickhead then?

Just plain ol' Dick...

DM:umm, no.                        

GG:Little Dickie?  

DM: No, no.

GG: Me ol’ Cocker? 

DM: What?                                     

GG: Cock of the walk?

DM: What?! What are you talking about?

GG: Johnson? Shaft? Woody-Wood Pecker?

DM: Ja, look, I’m not really that keen on any of those names hey. I think just call me Dick. That’ll be fine.

GG: Just plain ol’ Dick?

DM: Ja, just plain ol’ Dick, that’s cool.

GG: Hmm, Ok man, whatever you say. Listen, I gotta bust, Showgirls is about to start and I really don’t want to miss the beginning.

DM: OK, Golden Child, catch you at breakfast tomorrow.

GG: Cool, cheers Dickhead. Oh, sorry….Dick.

Call ended.

The Dumb and Dumber Bok kicking strategy

Oy vey… 40-7. A drubbing in any language. We’ve already skewered and quartered the squad last week – so what’s left for this week?

Hmm… oh yeah. Dick Muir and Gary Gold escaped a mention last week. So here goes.

I know very little about rugby – hence the reason I blog, instead of play or coach. But something stuck out to the untrained eye on Saturday. Almost every try scored by the All Blacks was preceded by a really awful Springbok kick. I really can’t understand the thinking. The Bok coaching staff have to realise that a new squad are going to struggle to form a cohesive defensive structure. So why the instruction to hoist the ball upfield aimlessly, right down the All Black back three’s throats and then dare them to run at you while your defensive structure is out of alignment? And if that wasn’t the instruction, if Morne Steyn just decided to wing it and ignore the coaching strategy, then why didn’t you send on the waterboy to bean him in the face for ignoring you?

What the hell? We at least expected some coaching from all of the staff SARFU have hired.  Really Dick Muir? 33 missed tackles?  Guess that’s your influence on the strategy of downplaying defense.

I’m not even angry at Deon Stegmann anymore – after all he isn’t picking himself to play. But how do the three coaches justify selecting a player whose understanding of the rules of rugby is like an 8-year old’s grasp on the plot of Inception after wandering in halfway through the movie? How do you select a player whose defence resembles the turnstiles at Ratanga Junction on the first day of summer holidays?

I’m a big boy now, I can handle loss. But it really gets up my nose when the coaching staff and players don’t seem to understand WHY they lost. I’ve gotten zero comfort from the fact that the three coaches seem to think that the reason for the scoreline was that they made too many turnovers. It’s not that simple guys.  Your problems run much deeper.

Things are not looking great. Sure Jake White took 47 against the Aussies and went on to win the World Cup. But I’m not feeling that good about this time around. I’ve always been highly annoyed by coaches who trundle out the “judge me on my World Cup performance” line. It is so Rudolf Straeuli 2003. I’m still waiting to shove my lemon pie in Straeuli’s face – and I suspect I won’t get my turn. It’s not just that they lost.   It’s how they lost. They played like they weren’t Boks.  And I find it hard to believe that the players are solely to blame for that.

Dick Muir and Gary Gold discussing their genius plan to take down the All Blacks with an aimless pointless kicking game..