Blue Bulls release musical crime against nature: Stand by Me

In what critics are calling “a crime against nature” the Bulls have released a version of themselves singing “Stand by Me”.  See the video below:

After viewing this, I can only say…

What the fuck?

In an attempt to restore some musical dignity to South African rugby franchises, the Southern Kings have released their own music video in response.  Most fans prefer the Kings’ track by a large margin.

Why the Bulls don’t have an effing prayer

During play off time it is the same story every year.  Teams travelling across the Indian Ocean to play in an away knock out game talk a good game.  You’ll heard the words “quietly confident”, “happy to be underdogs”, and “this time it feels different”.  In the words of the Nobel Prize winning economist Milton Friedman: “Bullshit”.

There are several reasons why Bulls fans shouldn’t allow themselves to get their hopes up for this weekend’s knockout clash against the Crusaders in Christchurch:

  • They are playing the Crusaders.  In Christchurch.
  • Dan.  Fuckin’.  Carter.
  • They are playing the Crusaders.  In Christchurch.
  • Richie.  Fuckin’.  McCaw.
  • Zane “The Crazy Train” Kirchner will be wearing a Blue Bulls jersey.
  • History, science and the basic laws of physics.
  • Bjorn Basson’s evil wizard goatee hasn’t actually given him any supernatural powers at all or even a casting role in the new Harry Potter movie.
  • They are playing the Crusaders.  In Christchurch.

It can’t be done fellows.   Listening to Bulls fans talk optimistically is a little like hearing your best friend talk about how he thinks he can patch things up with his recently broken up girlfriend.  The writing is on the wall, and though it pains you  to see a fellow fan in a state of self-delusion, you haven’t the heart to quite give them the brutal bad news.  It’s why you never became a surgeon.   “But this time is different” they protest.   Soon enough, the argument starts to begin sounding like a creationist debating with an evolutionary biologist. Your heart goes out for the desparate clutching for hope, anything that will say things will be ok.

Zane “the Crazy Train” Kirchner. Is he the kakkest player to ever wear the Bulls 15 jersey?

Remember fans – if you aim low… you’ll never be disappointed.

Dr Jannie responds to our angry fan mail

[Editors note: We received the following feedback from a concerned bulls fan about our article on the new Bulls pink jersey.  Given the gravity of the accusations, we have requested resident medical expert Dr Jannie to respond our behalf]

“Wow, Big daddy, you sir / ma’m / Moron are obviously gay and only reached std 4 coz you cribbed off of Malema’s paper.

Seriously, You and this little band of “after church service litle gathering by the creek” people need help. non of you barring the one or two bulls supporters on here know EF_ALL about rugby. You go on about a “fashion statements” and bloody info commercials but you seem to have forgotten that the sport being played is RUGBY, not the runway walk, RUGBY. No matter what colour a team wears they al still play rugby and the last time I checked the Bulls have the most respected record in SA over the last few decades. You should rather voice your anal-retentive thought s on places like the View where someone might listen to your crap. You sir / ma’am / moron, are a tur dingbat ad deserve to be punched in the face repeatedly with your own fist.”

Concerned Bulls follower.

Dear Concerned Bulls follower

I have taken time out of my busy schedule working on the first great novel of the 21st century to respond to these  rather serious accusations levelled at the Big Daddy Rugby writing team.

You do realise that is actually is NOT an insult to call someone from Cape Town gay, right?   I often play up that card as it is very popular with the Cape Townian ladies (see picture above).

If you do an accurate fact-check on local rugby team records, you’ll discover that the Bulls as impressive as they were in the last few seasons were not in fact the dominant domestic team in terms of winning records.  Ever since they signed that freak from Boland Agricultural as their tighthead and found a way to skirt the age eligibility rules the Sweet Valley Primary School under 10 team has been dominating local teams, season in, season out, with a record that trumps any other domestic team.

Last point, it if it is wrong to look good while winning, then I don’t want to be right.  Just ask Brok Harris.

Super 15 preview: SA conference

It’s that time of the year again.  Time to start skipping varsity lectures, updating your Superbru during work hours, and generally losing every bet you can because of your unreasonable faith in South African teams somehow being able to “pull of a surprise playing in Christchurch”.

STORMERS

Coach: Super Rugby’s cuddliest coach, Allister Coetzee, has a lot to prove after being passed over for the Bok coach.  His biggest problem?  A trophy cabinet as empty and hollow as the latest Maroon Five album.  If the cuddle monster can’t win trophy’s he won’t be putting on that Bok coaching jersey any time soon.

Captain: The man. The legend.  Terror of all you can eat buffet bars everywhere. Schalk Burger. Beautiful freak.

Man to watch: Andries Bekker. An 8 foot tall freak of a man, capable of two carrying basket balls in one hand (try that) while simultaneously running like a winger and calling in his stock market trades from his Bluetooth headset.  New Zealanders are in awe of him, girls love him, and fashionistas everywhere are horrified by his mullet.  With Big Vic finally leaving the Bok scene, this is Bekker’s year to shine.

Summary: Every year it is the same old story.  The Stormers look good in pre-season.  The local Cape Times and Argus report that Habana is “back to his best form” in the training facilities.  Unfortunately by that they mean his table tennis skills because they can’t possibly be referring to his rugby form can they?  Round about midway through the season the Stormers put on a display of rugby that is everything you ever want in a team.  They whip the Blues 65 to 0 in New Zealand.  People start fantasizing about a Newlands final.  Then they cock it up somehow when it really matters.  Everybody gets wasted at that really disgusting bar in the Grand Stand.  Don’t put me through that again, I just don’t think I can handle it.

If they had a Bruce Springsteen theme tune:  Your Own Worst Enemy.

BULLS

Coach: Frans Ludeke. What a career plan, follow on the coat tails of Heyneke Meyer.  Don’t change anything. Use the structures and players your predecessor put in place. Watch the trophies come rolling in.

Captain: Pierre Spies.  Underwear model.  Former hurdles champion.  The man your girlfriend really wants to have sex with when she pretends she’s into you.  But he hasn’t actually done anything remotely resembling a rugby play in the last 3 years.  But he does look good in a tight shirt. So there’s that.

Man to watch: Johann Sadie.  As is usually the case with players who transfer to the Bulls something about the setup brings out the best in them.  This promising backline player will be sorely missed by the Stormers.  Especially when they check Jean de Villiers ID document and discover that Jean is actually 82 years old.

Summary:  There’s one slight problem with Ludeke’s grand plan of not changing anything that Heyneke Meyer put in place, including allowing Victor Matfield to coach himself and be in charge of his own disciplinary hearings.  Eventually people get old and leave.  Then you’re royally screwed.  The Bulls starting line up this weekend is missing a host of the regulars.  No Bakkies, Du Preez or Matfield.   It doesn’t bode well for the season ahead.

If they had a Bruce Springsteen theme tune: Wages of Sin.  You just know big ol’ Vic gave them a talking to about getting right with the Right.

CHEETAHS

Coach: Naka Drotske has been honing his Tony Soprano impersonation all summer long.  A grizzled veteran with a face straight out of New Jersey and a trophy cabinet as empty as ….

Captain: Adrian Strauss– has more syllables in his name than caps…experience isn’t everything, is it?

Man to watch: Heinrich  Brussouw.  Big Daddy Rugby’s personal hero.  The Lobster Boy is everything you want in a loose forward. Intelligent, scrappy with an unbelievable ability to sneak turnovers out of nowhere.  If you were stuck in a Shawshank Redemption prison and badly needed a nail file, a box of playing cards and two nylon guitar strings for your escape, Heinrich “Scrounger” Brussouw would be your man.

Summary: The Cheetah’s are well and truly screwed this year as they are every year.  They are a talent farm for the rest of the country with the Sharks in particular waving big coastal money in the bright eyes of promising farm boys while Cheetah’s talent scouts look on helplessly.  They can’t retain the depth needed to be an effective team, so despite the flashiness of the odd upset, they are on their way out.  They’re not politically connected enough either to keep themselves from being replaced by the Kings next season.  Enjoy it while it lasts fellows.

If they had a Bruce Springsteen theme tune: I’m Goin’ Down

SHARKS

Coach: John Plumtree.  What is up with those ears John?  I can’t stop staring at them.

Captain: Keegan Daniel.  I got nothing here.  There’s not much to say about a captain who allows his coach to recruit Marius Joubert.   Marius Joubert.  Wasn’t he in his glory days before they invented the internet?

Player to watch:  Pat Lambie.  The man most rugby fans south of Pretoria want to dislodge Morne Steyn from the Green and Gold number 10 jersey.  If only he didn’t look like he just got done playing soccer for the Sweet Valley under 10s.  Maybe it’s the band-aid on his knee, or the fluffy do on his head.  He doesn’t exactly instil fear with his looks.  But he’s the closest thing South Africa have had to a complete flyhalf since the days I hacked by my Playstation and built that fake player on EA Sports Rugby.

Summary: The team known more for its cheerleaders and its slavish devotion to John Smit than for its trophy winning ability will again put out the best squad this year out of the Saffer franchises.  Oh, you meant the rugby team not the cheerleaders?  In that case, don’t get your hopes up just yet.

If they had a Bruce Springsteen theme tune: My Best Was Never Good Enough.  (That one’s for you Bismarck.)

LIONS

Coach: John Mitchell.  He is scary enough that you’d probably want to play your best so that he doesn’t give you “that look” in the dressing room after the game.

Captain: Josh Strauss.  Will he? Won’t he?  Shave his beard?  Release a new four track indie-folk record?  Lions management must love having this hippie folk rocker on their payroll.  He is Google gold-dust.

Player to watch: Elton Jantjies.  Webster himself.  Mini Carlos Spencer.  Except he can kick.

Summary:  For some reason it takes years between a South African rugby team winning the Currie Cup and becoming a decent Super Rugby team.  I’ve never quite figured that out.  Like the Cheetahs, depth is a problem.  It’s all very well winning domestic trophies while the Boks are away, but you get exposed at Super Rugby level if you don’t have enough quality players to call on.  Luckily for Lions there is far too much money sloshing around Ellis Park for them to ever be allowed to be relegated.

If they had a Bruce Springsteen theme tune: Don’t Look Back.  (Best sung as you’re bulletting straight out of Ellis Park.  Whatever you do.  Don’t. Look. Back.)

The cuddle monster wants a trophy so bad he can almost taste it.

The Bulls Pink Jersey – another fashion nightmare in Pretoria

When I first saw the Bulls new pink away strip, after choking back the nausea, I had a moment’s thought.  Well… at least it is for a worthy cause.  I guess the Bulls must be following the lead of university rugby clubs like UCT and making a stand against violence against women and are donning pink for the cause.  Or perhaps they’ve had a touch of the JP Duminy and would like to draw the attention of the Loftus faithful to the advantages of early screening in detecting breast cancer.  Hell, maybe they’ve gone all out and would like the rugby world to stop being such a homophobic place.  I had visions of Wynand Olivier, donning pink and going on Supersport challenging the conventions of most of the Darren Scott brigade.   But… the truth of the matter is, that the Blue Bulls rugby union are wearing this ghastly pink monstrosity to serve the cause of their sponsors Puma.  Puma had some vague mention about pink jacarandas, but the pinkness is about getting people to talk about Puma.  The concept behind the new strip was apparently “Bull in a china shop”.  I can just picture the stupid f^%k at some ad house in Cape Town who came up with this one.

Bull in a china shop?  More like 7 year old eats too many strawberry energy bars and throws up over himself.

Do the suits at Loftus not know that SA is in the midst of a fashion crisis? Not only are Croc sandles all over the suburbs, but worse, Die Antwoord are making a name for themselves in the United States and Americans are looking at those mullets and wondering just how representative Die Antwoord are of the general SA population.  Can I just remind SA rugby, that English football has David Beckham?  David Beckham for pete’s sake.  This guy models Calvin Klein underwear.  What do we have?  We have Jacques Kallis selling anti-dandruff shampoo on tv.  *sigh*

So, in the spirit of accepting our new-found status as pole-cats of the fashion world, the away strip jerseys of the other SA franchises will be revealed as:

  • Cheetahs – puke yellow, inspired by an Ollie le Roux night-out in Bloemfontein
  • Lions – A “fake gunshot spray” of red splattering over white, a tribute to all the fallen car highjack victims Ellis Park has accounted for over the years
  • Stormers – As an ode to glory gone by, the Stormers rugby union will be getting an x-ray of Bobby Skinstads knee the night after his traffic accident blown up and put on their shirts.
  • Sharks – let’s just be honest, the only reason anyone cares about the Sharks is those Sharks girls.  So just put the damn cheerleaders on your shirt and be done with it.  Also, change your franchise name to “the one with the hot cheerleaders”.

You can just hear the laughter coming from the French rugby supporters.  How can I show my face at Pastis again?

Bulls vs WP: live analysis

I refuse to watch Currie Cup rugby this weekend as I am still wallowing in the pit of self-loathing that happens when the Boks lose.  The usual self pity has taken on a new air of despair after having to watch Morne Steyn’s attempts at “tackling” and Deon Stegmann’s “Red Sea defence”.  But on my way between the kitchen and the bedroom, in between the self loathing, I happened to take a quick glance at the TV screen and noticed somewhat suprisingly that Western Province are comfortably leading the Bulls in the 2nd half.  I will say this, and only this, by way of detailed analysis:

It must be because they are getting more ball to Brok Harris to give him time and space.

Midseason wrap – Newlands loss was the canary in the coal mine for SA teams

Well that’s it folks. You can plan to have your wedding on June 9 now, because the weekend of the Super 15 final sure as heck ain’t going to be a weekend to celebrate South African rugby. The Stormers’ loss this weekend is the early signal that the trophy cabinets will be empty this year.

The format of the competition gives South Africa one freebie in the post-season. By virtue of the conference system one South African team has to go through. And that will be about it. It doesn’t look likely that any South African team will be good enough to earn a home advantage for the business end of the post-season. And that will kill you.

Here’s why it will be a trophy-less Super 15 for the teams from the Republic:

Lions and Cheetahs: both teams used to be part of the old Cats franchise. And they still play like it. Despite promising starts to the season, they let you down each week with atrocious defence and an inability to grind out close games. Clearly both teams have been implementing Dick Muir’s patented “Red Sea” defence. Here’s a clue: when Kobus Wiese introduces your team as likely to be involved in an exciting match because they are “great on attack” you know it’s just a euphemism for having crap defence. Next to that defence, anything looks “great”.

Bulls: Heyneke’s influence is over and the structures he put in place are no longer supporting the new management team. When your play is based on the simple premise of stuffing up everyone up front and grinding them into the dirt it’s hard to win when your squad is made up retired bridge players and little old ladies from the church fund-raiser. This team is old, old, old.

Sharks: A win over the ship going down known as the Brumbies doesn’t save the Sharkies I am afraid. A poor overseas tour left them with a lot of hard work to do and this isn’t the same Sharks squad of a few years ago that could pull the late season comeback off. There’s no young John Smit charging up the middle of the park and no Francois Steyn banging over drop goals from the parking lot of the Shoprite-Checkers outside Kings Park stadium.

Stormers: Despite whatever Kool-Aid other SA rugby outlets were drinking, the Stormers were the best bet to bring home the title for South Africa. However, this weekend’s loss against the Crusaders exposes a cruel truth. They just don’t have a pack capable of domination. Yes, having the flash of Jean de Villiers and Jaque Fourie will get you through the mid-table games against the Aussies, but if you want to compete against the Blues and the Crusaders you need to have some serious uglies in your front row. The Stormers have hookers, but their props are more interested in looking flash in the backline then they are in doing the hard work. Here’s a clue that you have a totally shit front row: Supersport commentators glow about how much work your props get done “around the paddock”. In other words, they aren’t scumming or mauling – they’re just looking pretty hanging out on the wing.

That’s all folks. Your June 9 weekend should open up for a round of 18 or that wedding you need to go to.

The Stormer's loss against the Crusaders signals a doomed Super 15 for SA teams.