Big Daddy’s Essential ‘All You Can Eat’ Guide to the 6 Nations 2012

There was alot of testosterone in the room that day.

 

So the big chill has finally descended on Europe (I am literally typing this while wearing a pair of gloves!)….and just when we thought we were going to get away with the mildest winter since the Jurassic period. This coupled with the post-Xmas blues has meant the only thing stopping half-frozen commuters from ending it all by hurtling themselves on to the railway-tracks (only to find that their train has been delayed by half an hour…awkward) has been a morbid fascination to see how the Eurozone debt crisis turns out.

The good news for us Northern Hemisphere folk is that there will be a reason to get out of bed this weekend (unless you have a TV in the bedroom, in which case you won’t have to move at all), as International Rugby is back on the menu with the start of the 6 Nations tournament! Yeeehaw….

And just so you can enjoy it all the more, here’s Big Daddy’s essential guide:

 

ENGLAND

Coach: Stuart Lancaster – no pressure Stu, the RFU is right behind you…literally, so watch your back.

Captain: Chris Robshaw – has more syllables in his name than caps…experience isn’t everything, is it?

Man to watch: David Strettle – the Premiership’s in-form winger.

Strapline: A young, inexperienced side with a lot to prove but not much to live up to.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Policy of Truth or Condemnation (depending on how much the tabloids find out)

Team motto: ‘No news is good news’.

BDR’s Prediction: 4th

 

FRANCE

Coach: Philippe Saint-Andre, also known as ‘The Pig’…apparently.

Captain: Thierry Dusautoir – IRB player of the year.

Man to watch: Imanol Harinordoquy – you can’t pronounce his name and he hates you for it. A tour de force.

Strapline: The team to beat…if they decide to play.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Sometimes or A Question of Lust (depending on what mood they’re in)

Team motto: ‘Give it to Thierry’.

BDR’s Prediction: 1st

 

IRELAND

Coach: Declan Kidney – softly spoken number-cruncher.

Captain: Paul O’Connell – in the absence of injured golden-boy Brian O’Driscoll.

Man to watch: Stephen Ferris – a potato man-mountain with speed.

Strapline: Not as good as their provincial teams.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Never Let Me Down Again

Team motto: ‘Age before beauty.’

BDR’s Prediction: 3rd

 

ITALY

Coach: Jacques Brunel – a Frenchman, a turncoat…a part-time amateur film-maker?!

Captain: Sergio Parisse – if they could clone him to make a whole team, they would.

Man to watch: Martin Castrogiovanni – powerful name, powerful man.

Strapline: The whipping-boys

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Dream On

Team motto: ‘Rome was not built in a day…or even 10 years’

BDR’s Prediction: 6th – at best.

 

SCOTLAND

Coach: Andy Robinson – lost his hair even before he started coaching Scotland.

Captain: Ross Ford – who?!…he’s replacing Kelly Brown…oh…wait… who?!

Man to watch: John Barclay – best flanker in the tournament, depending on who you’re talking to and if they’re Scottish.

Strapline:  If only they could score a try they might win something.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Everything Counts

Team motto: ‘The end justifies the means’.

BDR’s Prediction: 5th

 

WALES

Coach: Warren Gatland – Wales’ adopted son.

Captain: Sam Warburton – one of the players of the World Cup…when he stays on the field.

Man to watch: George North – “It’s alive!”…and it’s as fast as a friggin freight-train.

Strapline: Best of the Home Nations…could win it if they have belief.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: A Question of Time or Agent Orange (if Gavin Henson is in the squad)

Team motto: ‘Boys will be boys’.

BDR’s Prediction: 2nd