In what critics are calling “a crime against nature” the Bulls have released a version of themselves singing “Stand by Me”. See the video below:
After viewing this, I can only say…
What the fuck?
In an attempt to restore some musical dignity to South African rugby franchises, the Southern Kings have released their own music video in response. Most fans prefer the Kings’ track by a large margin.
There was once a time (let’s call this period BC for reasons that will become clear later) when rugby players thought long hair was for girls. And possibly ponies, especially girl ponies.
Then this happened…
Yes…Cabous van der Westhuizen.
Remember him? Big Daddy Rugby does and publicised his current whereabouts here.
Looking like he’d just stepped out of a shower that was in fact a galactic wormhole that led straight to a Led Zeppelin roadie piss-up, Cabous burst onto the SA rugby scene in the early 90’s, making the ‘wet-look’ his trademark.
Before Cabous (otherwise known as BC), rugby players all looked pretty much the same…a bit like cauliflowers really.
Cabous made it okay for players to step out of the John Frieda closet and express themselves in ways other than grunting and eye-gouging. In a similar vein, some players took even greater strides, going on to experiment with two-tone colour highlights and new-wave perm techniques.
Remember Percy Montgomery? That’s him on the left…(or is it the right!?)
In more recent years there’s been an attempt by some players to reclaim the uber-masculine image that rugby once had This can be seen by the number of beards on display in the modern game. Big Daddy highlighted 5 of the best in this post.
However, as with most things in life…the balance must be restored. For this very reason, the RBS 6 Nations is taking a break this weekend. Big sponsors realise that in the age of HD TV players need to look their best.
No one wants to see this kind of shit in HD…
So the players are getting a much needed rest weekend. Time for that trip to the spa to treat those split-ends, thread-veins and whatever else is required in order to look this bloody good…
Bonjour ladies!
And finally, for our more high-brow readers out there, here’s one of the many, many portraits that has attempted to capture the pure, innocent beauty of French player Dimitri Szarzewski in all his glory…. Enjoy.
The full colour version of this portrait was banned for causing multiple orgasms to female viewers.
After a long season in the flyhalf channel for the Stormers, prop Brok Harris likes to spend his time looking for a “new sound”.
You may know Brok Harris as the prop for the Stormers, the front rower reluctant to join rucks and mauls, preferring instead the limelight of the flyhalf channel, but you may not be aware that post-season he moonlights as indie folk rocker.
Our sources in the Stormers locker room tipped us off that Brok has been releasing a few indie folk singles on YouTube under the moniker “Bon Iver”. The editorial team at Big Daddy Rugby just had to take a sneak peek and we have to stay we’re impressed!
With talent like this, no wonder Brok refuses to get involved at ruck time. He could injure those magnificent musical hands of his.
Take a listen for yourself to what Brok has been up to:
Everybody knows the Irish like nothing more than beating the English, which is exactly what they’ll be hoping to do this Sunday.
It doesn’t matter how, when, at what, or with what….as long as a pasty English backside is at the receiving end of a good old whipping - Irish eyes will be smiling.
The only thing is…their a bit rubbish at it.
Ireland have only won 46 of the 126 rugby matches played against the poms. Fact.
Though that really isn’t all that bad when you consider the following:
Okay…I know that last one is not all that relevant, but you’ve got to wonder where they get the time to do anything other than imbibing the black stuff.
But all of this is besides the point.
If the Irish were to beat the English all the time, then the odd victory here and there wouldn’t have quite the same drama, the same David vs Goliath tension.
AND…there just wouldn’t be that same great feeling you get when Daniel-san ‘crane kicks’ the shit out of Johnny at the end of Karate Kid!
Daniel-san doing that kick.
Southern Kings (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The Southern Kings unfortunately decided to switch their logo at their last minute before the 2013 season kicked off. The more fitting image of a baby seal being clubbed to death was replaced with something resembling 4 Bic pens randomly sprouting towards the sky.
2013 is not going to pretty for this franchise. You’ve got to feel for them. Consider how the South African rugby administration has set them up to fail.
Yip, it’s pretty much a certainty they are going to be on the receiving end of some massive hidings. Away from home, you’d be brave to bet against them conceding 100 points somewhere along the way. The really irritating thing here, is that would have been great to see a good side playing out of P.E.
Players to watch this season: Luke Watson and … um… I am pretty sure there are one or two other decent players, aren’t there?
If they had a theme song by Leonard Cohen it would be: ”Never Any Good”.
Prospects for 2013: Nuclear holocaust.
Not many people know this about the former French captain Thierry Dusautoir, but he was raised by bears.
This hasn’t stopped him from becoming one of the greatest flankers the game has ever seen, but it has meant a challenging journey of self-discovery in which he has had to forego his previous life to adopt the confined existence of human society.
In the early stages of his rugby career, Dusautoir refused to wear clothes and instead of releasing after the tackle, he would rip all his opponents limbs off and then proceed to eat their liver. At times washed down with a nice Chianti. His interpretation of a maul was also at times…suspect.
As you can imagine, he spent more time in the sin-bin than on the playing field, but with support from his bear family (in particular his Uncle Joe – see pic below) and the encouragement of his trainer - he overcame his primal urges to produce some truly great rugby and become IRB Player of the Year in 2011.
Now back from injury, he returns to the team in today’s 6 Nations clash against Italy, in which France will be hoping to avoid a repeat of their shock defeat two years ago – and you can bet Dusautoir will be pawing the ground in anticipation.
Thierry with Uncle Joe, who will be growling from the sidelines.
The 6 Nations tournament kicks-off today with a mouth-watering encounter between two Celtic nations who have really upped their game in recent years.
Since winning the grand slam last year, it’s fair to say Wales have not had a great run….in fact, it’s been more like a chain-smoker struggling to climb a flight of stairs weighed down by having an entire nation’s hopes and dreams on their back.
Ireland have also underwhelmed of late, but they have O’Driscoll back (could it be his last?!) to bolster their hopes of their first title since 2009.
Ireland are a good team so could give the Welsh a run for their money…but they’ll have the hulk that is George North to contend with first.
George North….don’t make him angry.
After finding themselves on the wrong end of SARFU backroom dealings, the Lions will not be participating in this year’s Super 15. This weekend saw them taking on the less fancied Russian national team at Ellis Park as part of a completely rejigged schedule for 2013. Johan Ackermann and management have had to scramble to organise “decent” opponents to keep the squad sharp for the promotion-relegation layoffs later this year.
They have cobbled together a tournament of sorts now being referred to as “the Game of Thrones”.
Here are the fixtures and opponents as far as we can tell:
Shooo… if you’re a season ticket holder best sell them now, before your potential buyers get a look at this fixture list.
Lions (rugby union) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Having survived the potential threat of a Mayan apocalypse, most people (well me anyway) are now merrily plotting their 2013 rugby-viewing calendar.
As always, there’s much to look forward to and in the spirit of Oscar season, here’s a brief BDR awards preview:
6 Nations – 02 Feb
Best Actor Nominees:
Owen Farrell – the new(ish) golden-boy of England rugby, his performances and delivery have been deadly this season.
Best Director nominees:
Rob Howley – the Welsh head coach is putting together an all-star cast, in an epic bid to retain the 6-Nations title.
If it was a Spielberg film:
The Colour Purple – the Scottish thistle will be in full bloom if they manage to win, well….anything really.
Super rugby – 15 Feb
Best Actor Nominees:
Schalk ‘the Hulk’ Burger – back from ‘injury’ (or what industry insiders call a cosmetic surgery getaway) to take a lead role in the The Stormers’ campaign.
Best Director nominees:
John Plumtree – he came painfully close to the ultimate prize last year with a stellar performance (remember this?), he has also brought in critically acclaimed assistant director Carlos ‘Twinkle Toes’ Spencer to help with this year’s production.
If it was a Spielberg film:
Jaws – the Sharks will be hoping the sequel is better than the last one.
British & Irish Lions Tour Australia – 1 June
Best Actor Nominees:
Brain O’Driscoll – the man, the legend, will be hoping his rousing performances can help make amends for missing out in the 2001 awards…and who knows, maybe bag him a lifetime achievement award!?
Best Director nominees:
Robbie Deans – despite a rocky few months at the helm, the Wallaby coach is still Top-Gun…and some might say a bit of a rebel with a cause.
If it was a Spielberg film:
War of the Worlds – well okay, hemispheres…if you want to be picky about it!
4 Nations Rugby championship – 17 Aug
Best Actor Nominees:
Richie McCaw – he may be taking a sabbatical (trying out a new hair-style?), but really…is there any competition here?
Best Director nominees:
Santiago Phelan – the Argentine head-honcho will be hoping to make another impression with his portrayal of gritty realism, having taken the best foreign language accolade in last year’s competition.
If it was a Spielberg film:
The Terminal – there’ll be lots of time spent in these during the course of this competition.
Richie McCaw preparing his acceptance speech.
The Springbok season is over and it is time to pull out the scorecard.
Best Player:
Duane Vermeulen, who is rapidly approaching “players who may not be criticized on this blog” status.
Best Hair:
Jannie “Eagles Roadie” Du Plessis.
Player who looked best in shorts:
Andries Strauss (pulling off the naughty standard 6 schoolboy look)
Player who looked worst in shorts:
Flip Van der Merwe.
The annual “Hansie Cronje” award for embarrassing your country:
Dean MacGyver Greyling. Not just for the most atrocious “impact” performance seen on a rugby field, but also for having the middle name MacGyver (editor: this one we didn’t make up).
Moment we knew the Boks were going to have a rubbish season:
Pick any of the following:
(a) When Zane Kirchner was picked in the starting line up for the first test
(b) Half time against Argentina in Argentina
(c) When you saw Heyneke still had his GI Joe haircut at the first press conference
(d) When Heyneke uttered the words “if you execute plan A well enough, you don’t need a plan B.”
The Percy Montgomery “booed by your own fans” award:
Morne Steyn.
Best commentator/analyst:
Nick Mallet. He may just be my new hero. Please just bring up ticket prices for international matches one more time, Nick.
Worst commentator/analyst:
Arnie “A game of two halves/strangely orange” Geerdts.
Match that put everything in perspective:
Tonga beat Scotland by roughly the same margin as the Boks did the week before. That should shut up the “a win is a win” brigade.
Overall assessment: “E” for a Fail. With the talent available to the Boks, 2012 was not good enough. We also call BS on the “this was a relatively young team” excuse. That’s second only to “judge me on the World Cup” in terms of desperation.
It has been rumoured that as a child Duane Vermeulen wrote the original screenplay that David Lynch went on to use as “Twin Peaks”.
The Kiwis shows that it isn’t just the Boks who can disgrace their nation on the rugby field. Hang in for 30 seconds to see the dirty deed. Yip, that’s not on.
Ouch.
An under-performing Welsh team have welcomed back Warren Gatland with open arms this week as he seeks to plot a miraculous victory against his home nation.
Gatland has taken a back seat over the last few months with disastrous consequences for the Welsh team, who are slipping down the IRB world rankings faster than Richie McCaw can undo a cheerleader’s brassiere*.
Apparently Gatland’s tactics to counter the formidable Kiwi attack this weekend include slowing the ball at the breakdown, tactical kicking and the use of heavy artillery by arming full-back Leigh Halfpenny with a 6-barrel Gatling gun.
* Currently this stands at 3.4 seconds…with one hand.
If this won’t stop the All Blacks, nothing will.
With their last match of the season against England this weekend, Bok coach Heyneke Meyer has admitted the team is not quite 100%.
Judging by recent performances and a leaked pic (below) of a recent training session, I’m not going to argue with that…
The Boks looked ‘below par’ at a recent training session.
That was embarrassing. Watching Pat Lambie forced to imitate Morne Steyn and the Boks playing such dull and uninspiring brand of rugby really got me depressed. I can’t have been the only one who found myself switching the channel away from the Bok match.
Heyneke Meyer has been blessed with the most talented pool of players to pick from, probably in Bok history. Which former coach has had the ability to choose a flyhalf from between Goosen, Lambie and Jantjies? Can you imagine what Mallet would have done with those players? Which coach would have been so idiotic as to look at this list of talent and then pick Morne “the revolving turnstile” Steyn for half a season?
At first it was kind of funny to see Meyer persist with Zane Kirchner at fullback, now seeing Zane Kirchner lining up during the anthems is just sad, depressing and lonely. Ruan Pienaar clears the ball from a ruck about as fast as a pensioner at the Meadowridge Park n Shop ATM.
We should be putting fifty on the Scots. Not talking about how a “win is a win”. Pathetic.
In a new series on BDR we discuss how to get that look of iconic players.
We start with current Springbok tighthead, Dr Jannie and that hard to get “Eagles Roadie” look that Jannie has been pulling off all year:
During the national anthem:
Scotland’s coach Andy Robinson is reportedly furious after his coaching blueprint to take on the heavily favoured world champion All Blacks was leaked to the press this week after one of the players left a copy in a nightclub after a bender.
Here is what Scotland are planning to do to counter NZ this weekend:
Andy is not pleased. Now NZ know how to prepare for Scotland.
Damnit! They stole my ideas!
There are growing concerns surrounding Pat Lambie’s personal safety during the Bok’s visit to Ireland next week as part of their Northern Hemisphere tour.
The in-form Lambie, known for his boyish good looks and lack of facial hair, has apparently been singled out by entertainment mogul and X Factor judge Louis Walsh as an ideal candidate for his new boy-band concept Studs Aloud.
Walsh plans to create an all-male version of the hit-churning money-machine Girls Aloud, and believes ‘Lambrini’ (as he likes to call him) could successfully transfer his fleet-footed dancing skills from rugby field to pop stadium glory.
Sources have revealed that Walsh will lure the boy-wonder to his Dublin bachelor pad, where he intends to ply him with a concoction of beer shandies and humorously-shaped jello-shots in the hope of getting him to sign a ten-year contract in his own blood.
Despite languishing in a perpetual state of puberty, Lambie is said to not require the presence of a legal guardian when signing his life away.
Bok coach Heyneke Meyer is reportedly taking the claims very seriously, assigning a minder for the duration of the tour and equipping the youngster with an emergency whistle and prepaid phonecard in the event that he gets lost or seperated from the rest of the team.
Studs Aloud…coming to a bargain-bin basement sale near you soon!
Heyneke Meyer dropped a bombshell on the South African public this weekend by not picking the entire Bulls squad for the 30 man touring party to the UK.
When asked about why he made the controversial decision not to pick 30 Blue Bulls to tour, he had the following to say:
“Look, let’s be honest. With the Bulls finishing 4th out of 6 teams and when you consider that one of the teams that finished above the Bulls doesn’t even qualify to play Super Rugby next year, you must know I was under a lot of pressure to pick all thirty Bulls players to represent South Africa.
I was quite close to picking Gio Aplon and Deon Fourie, I must admit, since they are technically much better than some of the current squad, but then I was talking to my assistant coaches and one of them pointed out that Jano Vermaak once dated one of the sisters of one of the other Bulls players, so how I could leave him out? Also, Zane and Morne both have copies of those photos that were taken of me the night that Bulls won the Super Rugby title. You know, where we had the after party… with the thing… and the other thing. So I pretty much have to pick them.
But still. I can squeak in a few non-Bulls players. I mean, I am a Bulls, er, I mean Bok coach, after all. That’s my right. At least that’s what the Blue Bulls Rugby Union tells me I can do.”
Shocking.
Heyneke. Making a career out of pissing off Nick Mallett.
The talk of the town in wine estates, fashion boutiques and French restaurants across the Cape Peninsula today is of Eben Etzebeth’s epic performance in the final against the Sharks. One of our drinking buddies was lucky enough to be in attendance at the Shark tank and managed to capture this footage of Eben Etzebeth dismantling the Sharks:
Eben Etzebeth ensuring that the advantage line was not crossed by the Sharks in the second half. I think our cameraman was using that Instagram filter thingy.
