Raise your arms in the air like you just don’t care y’all!

Troubled Wallabies and Rebels player Kurtley ‘Crumb-catcher’ Beale has decided to take some much needed time out from rugby for personal reasons.

It is likely he will miss the upcoming Lions’ Tour to Australia in order to spend more quality time with close friends and family, namely Jim Beam, Jack Daniels and Tia Maria.

Kurtley’s half-time rider request started to raise a few eyebrows among the Rebels’ back room staff

First of all a 19-12 “sharp punch to the nose with the clenched fist” in the final round robin game of the London Sevens to announce to the world that nobody can take an Eagles sevens team lightly anymore (editors note: I saw many a post this weekend remarking that the Blitzbokke “need only beat the Eagles” to win their group).  Then the Eagles follow it up on Sunday with a “kneel on your chest and repeatedly slap you in the face whilst delivering a wedgie” 22-5 dismissal in the plate semi-final to deliver the one of the great David and Goliath feel-good victories.

They might have made a hose of Iraq, but they got Twickenham pretty right this weekend.

While other blogs might be writing about the England defeat, the real story is most definitely how the plucky Americanos managed to pull it over the Boks twice in one weekend.  Yes, once is pretty impressive and can happen in the game of Sevens, but twice in a weekend is a bitch slap to your reputation.

America.  Here’s to you and your Bruce Springsteen.

Post final whistle, Bok jerseys were very quickly pulled off before heading to the subway.

In particular it has been the South African conference teams that have used it to such deadly effect and who seem to be forming them more frequently than they can churn out new Fast & Furious films.

For this very reason Big Daddy Rugby has consulted some of the worlds most highly respected and completely fictitious military experts to come up with 5 ways to stop the dreaded rolling maul.

We can do nothing about Vin Diesel films though. Sorry.

1. Scorched Earth Policy

When it comes to wreaking havoc and general destruction, a crazy cat by the name of Stalin had a few tricks (and most likely a poison-tipped dagger) up his sleeve. As a tactic used by the Russians on the German army during WW2 and the US in Vietnam, the idea is to destroy the turf to such an extent that the rolling maul won’t function effectively.

Downside: Not suitable for home matches, i.e. don’t shit where you eat.

“Charlie don’t form rolling mauls!”

2. Propaganda campaign

Not to be outdone by a crazy Russian, the Germans used this slightly more subtle form of military strategy to instil fear and doubt among their enemies. The defending team could make use of an online social media campaign to belittle the image of the rolling maul, utilising slogans such as ‘Rolling mauls cause cancer’ or ‘Rugby is for Girls‘ – or even a video viral showing rolling mauls being formed by fans at a Justin Bieber concert.

Downside: Getting Bieber’s agent to agree to this could take some time.

It’s not subtle or politically correct…but it will work.

3. Horns of the bull

Cunning military strategy invented by Shaka Zulu. He’s that guy who made his troops run on thorns just because he could. The rolling maul is initially hit head-on, with supporting players flanking both sides (the horns) and then employing short stabbing movements with sharp instruments to inflict injuries on the unsuspecting attacking forwards.

Downside: Not only are Saffa players familiar with it, but it can lead to at least half the team being sin-binned.

Even the most dim-witted of tight-heads will understand this one.

4. Divide and conquer

If it worked for the Romans, it can work for you. Simple yet effective technique in which you turn your opponents against each other, leaving them weak and vulnerable. All the defending team needs to do is make the tight-heads believe their doing all the hard work while the loose-head trio are getting all the girls and glory and BAM…the rolling maul collapses like a deck of cards.

Downside: Hard to convince tight-heads of anything unless it’s done with simplified drawings and pictures.

We come in peace…..hee hee!

5. Trench warfare technique

This one involves a bit of planning, but with some bulldozers, a bit of barbed wire and a full-back with a Gatling Gun – that rolling maul isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

Downside: In addition to logistical issues, can lead to stalemate and a sudden urge for players to breakout into a jovial football match while singing Paul McCartney’s ‘Pipes of Peace’

Gatling Gun….all good full-backs should have one.

Otherwise to be known as the Heinrich Manoeuvre.

The decision has been made due to the freakishly large amount of times Brussow is responsible for turnover ball at the ruck and his God-like ability to appear in many places at once.

All hail Heinrich…for he is a plentiful and generous giver of turnover ball.

Most likely the 20th, possibly even 19th century…when a rugby ball was basically an animal’s lower intestine filled with porridge, which then conveniently doubled-up as a post-match haggis.

That’s unless you happened to catch the Hurricanes vs Stormers match yesterday in which Habana chased-down a 40th minute conversion, like a hungry beast released from a cage and eager for his half-time slice of orange.

Habana has come in for a lot of stick here on Big Daddy Rugby…but there’ll be a lot more carrot dangling (and NO, that’s not a euphemism!) if he continues show moments of genius like this…

TATAFU POLOTA-NAU (Photo credit: paddynapper)

NSW front rower Polota-Nau has released his new single “Nightcall” under the stage name of “Kavinsky”.  Rolling Stone magazine has hailed it as a tour de force of new wave electro-pop and our first listen gives it an enthusiastic double thumbs up.  Apparently most of the album was written during the Waratah’s tour of South Africa and in particular this track, Nightcall, was penned after a grueling scrumming session followed by ten laps around the field and a set of crunchies.

The track is available for a listen here:

His bursts of pace show particular disregard for Newton’s 2nd Law of Motion, namely:

The acceleration of a body…is inversely proportional to the mass m of the body.

Or in layman’s terms:

A fat blonde guy should not be able to move much faster than the rate of continental drift.

Despite this, week in and week out, opponents of the Cheetah’s are left scratching their heads as Strauss whizzes past them in a blonde streak of lightning.

Adriaan Strauss sets a new land speed record.

Half time against the Brumbies is no time to lose your faith in humanity.

Andries Strauss has been injecting a little Rick Grimes into his half time pep talks with the Southern Kings.  This is not a democracy!

What part of Christchurch are you from, son?

After talking a good game in the office last week, Stormers fans will be pretending they’re “not that into” Super Rugby this week as they return to face their coworkers. It’s a time honored tradition in the Cape. All of a sudden there are lot more important things in life than rugby.

When faced with one of those irritating “kiwi” supporters here are a few lines to help you get through the week at office.

• Oh, did the Stormers lose? Oh… That must be nice for you, seeing as you follow rugby and all that. Yeah… I don’t really get to make time for rugby. Are the Crusaders a good team? Where are they from?
• Is your family from the North Island or the South Island?
• I don’t get to watch games as I spend every weekend volunteering at a soup kitchen for orphans. It’s important to get my priorities in life right.
• What part of Christchurch are you from, son? [then mutter in a soft whisper.... "C@ck!" as your coworker walks away.]. Note: if this coworker is in any way connected to paying your salary you should definitely say “Nothing” if they suddenly spin around and ask you to repeat what you just said.

If you are in a position of authority you don’t need any witty one liners at work this week. Just remember to put an incriminating note in the offending employee’s permanent HR file.

Well neither did I…until I caught a glimpse of him high-fiving Stormers’ coach Alistair Coetzee during their win over the Brumbies this weekend.

From memory Fleck was a fairly decent, if not exciting, centre for the Boks back when grunge music was still popular. His slightly cocky rich-kid demeanour  always made me think he’d look more at home in an episode of Beverley Hills 90210, rather than chasing a ball around a rugby field with a bunch of plebs.

See what I mean…

Surf’s up…plus daddy’s shares in Indonesian palm-oil are looking good too! Awesome.

You can imagine my surprise to find that Robbie has not gone on to be the MD of a trendy new media start-up company, and is in fact the assistant back-line coach for the Stormers. This is probably popular knowledge among most Super Rugby aficionados, but it came as a shock to me. I had higher hopes for young Robbie.

I can only assume it’s been a bit of a shock for him too, cos he’s gone completely grey. When did that happen?! Not that it’s a bad thing, I mean look at Richard Gere and that fellow Gandalf. They’ve done pretty well for themselves!

Good for you Flecky…no need to hide your true colours.

You may want to try a touch of sunblock from time to time though…

Robbie ‘Salt ‘n Peppa’ Fleck

Allister “I’m much stronger now” Coetzee

Other comments heard from behind the scenes:

• What part of Canberra are you from?
• There are no rules!  It’s the Thunderdome baby!
• “We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got, cause it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not, we’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love” (quoting the Bon Jovi albums they used to listen to during Rugby World Cup 2007)
• “But quite frankly Jake your attitude appalls me. It’s not what you’re saying. It’s all this stuff you’re not saying. Insinnuendos” (having just watched Sexy Beast yet again).

‘He who controls himself, controls the game’….the tat says it all really.

21 March 2013

Dear diary,

I seem to be appearing in the press quite a bit recently. Normally I quite like that. Wait, who am I kidding…I friggin love it! But this time it’s my reffing and not my sexuality that’s being questioned, and I just won’t stand for that shit.

I’m probably the best flippin ref in the world today. At the very least it’s a tie with that Saffa with the weird name, but he’ll probably be tried for attempted murder or robbery by the end of the year leaving me top dog again.

It’s bloody ridiculous thinking I favoured the red team on Saturday. I don’t even know who they were. I didn’t penalise the guys in white any more than necessary. Except the scrum-half  Ben Youngs. His hair was just plain silly – he’s lucky I didn’t send him straight to the bin. I can’t stand people who don’t take care of themselves, it’s just bloody selfish if you ask me.

So it looks like I’m gonna have to defend myself against the IRB, whoever the hell they are! Maybe there’ll be some good looking girls on the panel.

That would be nice.

‘What would Cartman do?’ – the philosophy on which Walsh bases most of his reffing decisions.

I knew they were onto a good thing when they hired Tony Soprano to be their coach.  But even the most optimistic Cheetahs fan wouldn’t have predicted that they’d be destroying office betting pools everywhere by winning in New Zealand and Australia.  They even stand a decent chance of coming back from Australasia with a 75% win record.

They’ve got some electric backs in Raymond Rhule and Sarel Pretorius, the child of promise at flyhalf in Johan Goosen. Adriaan Strauss is in the form of his life at the moment, and any squad that has Heinrich Brussouw in it… say no more.

Things are looking up for the men from Bloemfontein.

Now the last thing they need to fix is those cheerleaders… and after this weekend’s performance there is a rumour doing the rounds on the interwebs that Heidi Klum has put in an application for the Cheetahs cheerleaders.  They’re almost a complete team now.

Naka Drotske discussing tactics over a glass of wine with the Cheetahs “Brains Trust” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not much on today, so watched replay of the England vs Ireland match from last weekend. Crikey it was cold that day, so cold you could see the steam coming off the bodies of the players. It looks great on the tele though, it’s like something you’d see in a movie. I think I should be in a movie.

I don’t like reffing in the cold, but my tan looked good. Especially when in the same shot as those pasty Irish. I wonder if people noticed that? If I could change one thing about my body it would be my fat ankles. Jimmy Cordax used to tease me about them in school. There’s a word for them isn’t there…is it cankles? Yes cankles, I must wikipedia that later. Maybe there’s a treatment for them.

After the match I decided to go to the gym. On the way I stopped in at the cafe with the pretty cashier to pick up a soya mochachino. I think that cashier likes me. I like me, so why wouldn’t she? I don’t go to Starbucks anymore. Not until they start paying those Costa Rican farmers a decent wage. Is it the Costa Ricans or Nicaraguans?! Who cares…all I know is I don’t like seeing the little guy getting trod on. Not on my watch!

While waiting for the coffee some chump decided to jump the queue. I sorted that shit out though. I never leave home without my whistle, so I blew him up for an intentional offside violation. Made him stand in the corner for 10 minutes while I chatted-up the cashier. We’ll see if he tries that little stunt again. Not likely.

Not on Walsh time.

Steve Walsh….he knows where you live. Not really.

Duane ‘Dazed and Confused’ Vermeulen

Ever wondered why Springbok and Stormers No.8 Duane Vermeulen always has that perplexed look on his face?

It’s because he can’t figure out why people keep asking him where his hammer is and why he let Iron Man kick his ass in the Avengers movie…

Chris Hemsworth, otherwise known as Thor

A tragedy of a much grander scale is likely to unfold this weekend if Les Bleus fail to beat Ireland in their 6 Nations encounter, leaving them just one step closer to the infamous wooden spoon and the prospect of facing all-out revolution when they return to home soil.

With the singing at this weekend’s match expected to be of only a slightly poorer quality than in the film (with the exception of Russell Crowe…in which case it will be exponentially better), the dramatic tension is likely to be far greater with the French team knowing their necks are literally on the line. Guillotines are being sharpened around Paris at this very moment.

It will take something pretty exceptional for Les ‘Miserables’ Bleus to save themselves from certain death at the hands of an angry French mob – like winning for instance, and if not that, then at the very least trans-mutating into fire-breathing parrots and flying-off into the sunset squawking a version of Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance.

They do like a good show-tune those Frenchies!

On a cheerier note, in their match against Wales this weekend, the Scots will be looking to get their first hat-trick of victories since the dawn of time – or the inception of the 6 Nations tournament to be a bit more precise.

Just goes to show you can’t predict anything when it comes to sport.

I just wish the same could be said for Hollywood.

Welcome home Les Bleus.!

• just how little Pierre Spies does in a rugby game, besides doing his impersonation of the movie poster “This is Sparta!”
• just how much I hate Hugh Bladen’s commentary
• that watching the Stormers play is like getting into an Ingmar Bergman existentialist 4 hour movie
• that Joel Stansky’s voice sounds like a camel being put through a woodchipper
• In office pools, always bet on the home team unless the Crusaders or the Lions (ooo too soon?) are involved
• Bryan Habana tends to go entire seasons without being able to catch a rugby ball
• Wynand Olivier’s hair never ceases to amaze me
• One can never overstate just how depressing and uninspiring the Cheetahs cheerleaders are
• Who the hell is doing the Vodacom advertising and what are they smoking?!
• My Nick Mallet man-crush (who else speaks truth to power?).
  

  2012 Super Rugby season (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

   

After viewing this, I can only say…

What the fuck?

In an attempt to restore some musical dignity to South African rugby franchises, the Southern Kings have released their own music video in response.  Most fans prefer the Kings’ track by a large margin.

Then this happened…

Yes…Cabous van der Westhuizen.

Remember him? Big Daddy Rugby does and publicised his current whereabouts here.

Looking like he’d just stepped out of a shower that was in fact a galactic wormhole that led straight to a Led Zeppelin roadie piss-up, Cabous burst onto the SA rugby scene in the early 90’s, making the ‘wet-look’ his trademark.

Before Cabous (otherwise known as BC), rugby players all looked pretty much the same…a bit like cauliflowers really.

Cabous made it okay for players to step out of the John Frieda closet and express themselves in ways other than grunting and eye-gouging. In a similar vein, some players took even greater strides, going on to experiment with two-tone colour highlights and new-wave perm techniques.

Remember Percy Montgomery? That’s him on the left…(or is it the right!?)

In more recent years there’s been an attempt by some players to reclaim the uber-masculine image that rugby once had This can be seen by the number of beards on display in the modern game. Big Daddy highlighted 5 of the best in this post.

However, as with most things in life…the balance must be restored. For this very reason, the RBS 6 Nations is taking a break this weekend. Big sponsors realise that in the age of HD TV players need to look their best.

No one wants to see this kind of shit in HD…

So the players are getting a much needed rest weekend. Time for that trip to the spa to treat those split-ends, thread-veins and whatever else is required in order to look this bloody good…

Bonjour ladies!

And finally, for our more high-brow readers out there, here’s one of the many, many portraits that has attempted to capture the pure, innocent beauty of French player Dimitri Szarzewski in all his glory…. Enjoy.

The full colour version of this portrait was banned for causing multiple orgasms to female viewers.

After a long season in the flyhalf channel for the Stormers, prop Brok Harris likes to spend his time looking for a “new sound”.

You may know Brok Harris as the prop for the Stormers, the front rower reluctant to join rucks and mauls, preferring instead the limelight of the flyhalf channel, but you may not be aware that post-season he moonlights as indie folk rocker.

Our sources in the Stormers locker room tipped us off that Brok has been releasing a few indie folk singles on YouTube under the moniker “Bon Iver”.  The editorial team at Big Daddy Rugby just had to take a sneak peek and we have to stay we’re impressed!

With talent like this, no wonder Brok refuses to get involved at ruck time.  He could injure those magnificent musical hands of his.

Take a listen for yourself to what Brok has been up to: