Mallett demands Rob Andrew’s head on a plate…with a side order of Lady Gaga

Nick Mallett has confirmed that he may still be in the running as the new England coach, but only on the condition that Rob Andrew ‘eats twenty strawberry flavoured energy bars in the space of five minutes’. 

In addition to this he has also demanded that the Director of Elite Rugby at the RFU simultaneously perform a rendition of Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance in a ‘coherent fashion that is perceptibly akin to the spirit of the original recording’. 

Mallett’s somewhat bizarre requests have reportedly been taken into consideration by the RFU board, though it is still not known what Andrew’s thoughts are and whether he is even a Gaga fan or just considers himself to be a casual listener. 

Mallett is currently the strongest candidate for the job, but the former Italy and Boks coach has made his thoughts on the Director of Elite Rugby role very clear in the past, having referred to it as ‘a load of crusty old bollocks’ in a press statement earlier this week.

Time to start working on that Gaga reflex Rob!

Rob Andrew and Martin Johnson watch as their careers float away.

TwikiLeaks – the shocking English rugby revelations continue

The revelations from the leaked English rugby report are continuing to shake the English rugby world. Far more disturbing than the original revelations that the English coaching setup was a complete mess going into the World Cup, it has now also been confirmed that the rot runs even deeper.

The latest revelations from the English inquiry have shown that:

  • Moody insisted on wearing white socks when dressed in black suits, despite Martin Johnson severely reprimanding him at a post-match function.
  • Forwards coach John Mills “actually liked the 2nd and 3rd Matrix films better than the first one”.
  • Lewis Moody lost the respect of all his team mates at the first training camp when he asked for a Hunters Gold as his drink at the pub in full view of the entire front row.
  • English Rugby Director Rob Andrews’ “hasn’t really gotten into the Wire”.
  • Martin Johnson was seen reading the Twilight series in the hotel lobby one night after the players had come home early from a night out on the town.
  • The English forwards coach wished to be paid in Smarties and jellybabies rather than in cash.
  • Toby Flood when upon being told by Martin Johnson he was about to put on the field to replace Johnny Wilkinson, asked his coach how much a good performance was worth to him and threatened not to take the field unless Martin Johnson gave him 2,000 pounds in unmarked bills and the entire first season of the Sopranos.  During the later stages of the tournament, Flood’s demands increased to include Bob Dylan bootleg albums and the new Fleet Foxes album.

Australia spank the Barbarians good and proper

Australia totally outclassed the Baa-Baa’s at Twickenham yesterday, thrashing them 60-11.

It was a disappointing end to the international career of one of South Africa’s all-time greats Victor Matfield, who rather sheepishly admitted (see what I did there!) that the team were not quite up to the attacking flair shown by the Aussies.

Farewell Victor…you’ve had a fine career but unfortunately you don’t get the spoils this time.

There were concerns that the Baa-Baa's weren't taking the match as seriously as they should.

Leaked report reveals English players greed

A leaked RFU document has brought England’s woe-ridden rugby World-Cup campaign into the spotlight once more.

Just a week after Martin Johnson stepped-down as the Big Dog in charge, a shock report has now revealed that the England players were more focused on money than rugby during the tournament.

Whereas it was previously thought that the team was playing according to the code of The Order of Knights Templar, championing such noble ideals as chivalry and the protection of freedom and liberty – it turns out they were just in it for the cash.

Anonymous interviews with players revealed further shock revelations. For instance, during coaching sessions certain players reportedly refused to chase the ball unless it was painted gold and had a pound sign on it. Prop Matt Stevens was also made to dress-up as the ‘tax man’ in an attempt to encourage more ferocious tackling from the greed riddled players.

Senior players are said to have disputed the amount of money they were being paid on the eve of the tournament, with one squad member demanding  ‘at least 5 times as much as that cock Richie McCaw’.

Pay to play

RIP Solly Tyibilika

Former Bok Solly Tyibilika was murdered in Gugs this weekend.  Rest in Peace Solly, I’ll remember you for a particularly cracking game you had against the Ozzies in Oz and for having a quiet temperament no matter what grandstanding was being done by coaches and administrators around you. I don’t know what was happening in those final days but I hope you find some peace now.  Here’s to you Solly, a Springbok and a fighter.

 

The Mike Tindall scandal continues…

So the  big man with the gravity defying nose has been axed.

That’s axed as in dropped from the squad, and not just pissed out of his friggin mind again.

So toodaloo Mike! Now you’ll have an opportunity to spend some quality time with the new wife, maybe help clean out the stables and get to know the posh side of the family a bit more, or….

Head out on another bender and toss a few dwarves?!

Your call buddy.

No jacket required

White men can’t Haka…

We hate stereotypes here at Big Daddy Rugby.

For one thing, we’re a rugby blog that doesn’t have much to say about rugby – though does have an awful lot to say about facial hair and the various developmental stages of Gavin Henson’s spray tan.

But just every once in a while a stereotype sneaks up on you and slaps you on the ass like a Lycra-clad Gareth Thomas on poppers.

That’s why if you ever needed proof that white folk have no rhythm, just take a look at this Haka from way back in 1973.

It’s like a bunch of awkward fathers dancing to Status Quo at the local community centre disco while their kids try to bury their heads in the cement floor out of sheer embarrassment.

If  Boks coach Peter (till the bitter end) de Villiers thinks the Haka has lost some of  it’s potency then he obviously hasn’t seen this clip. Not too surprising when you consider tv was only introduced to South Africa in 1976 and that three years before that young Peter was hanging-out at the local shebeen getting pissed on homebrew.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0xn7RWcwVw&feature=player_embedded]

New Springbok Sevens kit revealed…and it’s something else!

Either SARU are on the cutting edge of fashion and are hoping that the ‘undies on the outside’ look is going to take-off at the next Paris fashion week – or they have just lost their minds completely.

The new Sevens kit revealed yesterday has raised a few eyebrows to say the least and it has already been dubbed the ‘diaper kit’ by the South African press.

In SARU’s defence, they have vowed that the players will take to the field in the more traditional ‘tighty whities’ (who comes up with these names?) to avoid national humiliation and shame.

Personally I think the kit works – all it needs is a bib and a bonnet to complete the overall look.

It takes real men to wear their pants on the outside

Lions fans can rub it in

Elton Jantjies brought down the house at the Four Ways mall Eagle Falls Spur restaurant after the Lions won the Currie Cup

Lions fans countrywide will be packing their middle finger for work on Monday after they smashed the Sharks to take home the Currie Cup.  In winning in emphatic fashion they have overcome all the criticism and cheap shots directed at them this season.

There were many who said the absence of the Boks during the World Cup favoured the Lions and for a while it looked like the early Springbok exit of the World Cup would be bad news for their supporters, but the Lions silenced their critics by putting away to teams laden with Boks in both the semi-finals and the final.

The Lions have had a shocking decade.  For a team that plays in the financial heart of South Africa, you’d expect them to be put out a team that conquers everything in front of it, New York Yankees style.  Sadly, instead, long-suffering Lions fans have been tortured with poor coaching, poor management and poor squads.

So seeing Elton Jantjies flaying the Sharks on Saturday evening must be sweet comfort to Lions supporters.  Elton was written off by many early in the season who tend to forget the basic rule of talent: that it needs to be nurtured with some experience. Jantjies looked the genuine article on Saturday getting his backs away and slotting his kicks – even with the disturbing spectre of having Hugh Bladen refer to him as a “boy” during the broadcast.  Clearly Hugh never took lessons on class and taste in the new South Africa. Elton looked on form and the future of Bok rugby looks good when you consider that we have Lambo, Jantjies and Steyn with years left in them all pushing for the Bok flyhalf spot.

Rumour has it, Elton was seen celebrating at the Eagle Falls Spur restaurant until all hours of the night.

Well done Lions fans, bring your coffee mugs, smug grins and your middle fingers to work and show them proudly all week. You deserve it.

Gavin Henson saves the day yet again!

Post World Cup blues? Nothing on tele worth rolling out of bed and finding the remote for?

Well the fun’s not over yet (at least for those of us in the UK),  as tonight is the finale of The Bachelor – the Channel 5 ‘reality’ show in which Gav, the host with the most, is on a quest to find his dream woman.

While his erstwhile Welsh team-mates have been putting their bodies on the line down in a cold, windswept New Zealand, Gav has had more important things on his hands – such as sunning himself in a luxury love-nest on the island of St Lucia.

Following a succession of romantic dates, he has now whittled a bevy of 25 beauties down to the final 2. But in the immortal words of the highlander ‘there can be only one’.

His most recent date with one of the two finalists ended with them both sipping champagne in a hot tub and her commenting that ‘I didn’t realise it would pop so quick!’….Oh dear, not what you want to hear at the end of a romantic evening! Let’s just blame the pressure of being on camera, hey Gav!?

If this still doesn’t wet your whistle, then there’s always a repeat of Weekend at Bernies over on the BBC.

Animals were harmed in the taking of this photo.

New Zealand vs France: Final Preview: Au revoir Marc!

Regardless of what you think of the French teams’ displays at this World Cup you’d be lying if you said Lievremonts’ presence didn’t add a little “joie de vivre” to the whole affair.

From a pure entertainment level we’re happy to give Marc a solid 8/10 for his efforts. In fact, for a coach who was informed that he would be out of a job before the tournament even began, we here at Big Daddy Rugby reckon that Marc has acted with considerable restraint and shown great courage in what must have been a rather testing time for him.

Bravo Monsieur! Bravo indeed!

With regards to a preview for “Le Big Game”, well I have it on good authority that Marc will be dressing appropriately for the occasion.

Here’s an exclusive sneak peak of his look for Sunday…

Marc Lievremont: ne regarde mes fesses grand en cela?

ALLEZ LES BLEUS!!!

Sam Warburton sees red….a nation continues to mourn

So it looks like this little talking point has not quite been put to rest…and I completely understand why.

I for one didn’t agree with the decision to send Warburton off in Saturday’s semi-final. Quite frankly I’ve seen worse tackles in football – and that’s a game played mostly by purse-snatchers and people who don’t know how to tie shoelaces.

But that’s just my opinion, and that doesn’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

On the other hand…the opinion of the British public does  (let’s remember the Poms did invent the game – even if they don’t play it very well) and they appear to agree with me for a change.

In a recent online opinion poll conducted by the Telegraph, their readers were asked if the Welsh captain deserved to be sent off for the offending tackle:

60% of people didn’t know what the question meant, 20% thought his performance as a paraplegic in Avatar was commendable, BUT more importantly, the remainder thought that the World Wrestling Federation’s loss was rugby union’s gain.

Pity that none of this changes the result though. Now we are left to watch a final in which the Kiwi’s will most likely make pate of the French.

Viva Alain Rolland!

Sam Warburton's tackle...the camera angle that the Welsh don't want you to see.

Dear Dr Jannie: The 6th Letter

Dear Dr Jannie,

I love my husband very much but lately it seems that his only interests in life are watching rugby and drinking beer.

We’ve just recently moved into a new house and there’s a lot that needs doing around the place, but with the games being on so early in the morning and with his insistence on having a few beers whilst watching them, absolutely nothing is getting done! It’s REALLY driving me mad!

Are all men like this Dr Jannie? What happened to the sensitive caring man I married?

Please help Dr Jannie! I want my sweet old Jermaine back!

Deeply Frustrated.  

Dear Deeply Frustrated,

When Bismarck and I were growing up on the farm the highlight of our school holidays was when Groot Oupa would take us on a trip into town for what he liked to call a “Cultural Experience”.

We’d get dressed up, which meant wearing something other than just PE shorts, and set off down the dirt road in the back of his Bakkie, whilst munching on some of Mummy’s special Pad Kos.

On one particular occasion we were especially excited to learn that we were headed for the Civic Theatre to see a student production of the famous musical “Cats”! Bismarck and I had never seen a musical before let alone set foot inside a theatre, so as I’m sure you can imagine we were a bundle of nerves beforehand.

As the first half of the show was drawing to a close Bismarck lent over to me and whispered in my ear: “Hey Jannie, you dick, check what I’ve got!”. I looked down towards his lap and there in his hand was Groot Oupa’s whiskey hip-flask. Before I could say anything he’d vanished from his seat and was making a beeline towards the mens’ bathroom.

About 25 minutes into the second half the auditorium doors flew open and Bismarck staggered in. He had a horrible brown stain down the front of his shirt and it was quite clear to all that he was blind drunk. Groot Oupa looked furious and tried to signal for him to leave the theatre but unfortunately Bismarck seemed hypnotized by the rhythms of the music and stumbled towards its source.

It was a crucial part of the show, just as Mr Mistoffelees was about to perform his dance solo when Bismarck stormed onto the stage and made a pathetic attempt to tackle him. Mr Mistoffelees stood unmoved as Bismarck fell to the floor laughing hysterically and shouting: “Jannie, you diiiiick! Look at me! I’m a staaar! I’m a staaar!”.

The crowd erupted in a chorus of boos and security was called to escort us from the building.

Naturally, we were banned from ever returning again and that put an end to our “Cultural Experience” trips with Groot Oupa.

I hope this story helps you to realise just how lucky you are to have a man like Jermaine in your life.

Go well,

Dr Jannie.

Tuilagi ferry jump…the catalogue of shame continues

Anyone following England’s world cup campaign could easily be forgiven for mistaking it with the most recent series of Big Brother.

What with the drunken tomfoolery, cheap pick-up lines, cavorting with local blonde floozies and even a bit of ball switching for good measure. Let’s not even get into the dwarf-tossing escapade!

Now that the team’s campaign has come to an end, the English tabloids are going to have to look elsewhere for their ingenious headlines. Well not just yet…as Manu Tuilagi has come to the rescue and shown the world he’s no fish out of water with a daring ferry jump in Auckland harbour.

Hooray! That’s the spirit Manu! You may be out of the World Cup but you can still ferry jump with the best of them! Go down fighting like a true British bulldog and give the great English public something to cheer about – even if it does get you fined £3000 and a nasty icecream headache.

Oh well…it’s just £3000 less you’ll have to spend at Spearmint Rhino when you get back to Blighty!

Manu earns his stripes (Image courtesy of Mail Online)

Pierre Spies: If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands!

Hiya peeps!

Firstly, I just want to express how totally humbled and honoured I am that the super hot guys over at Big Daddy Rugby have asked to me help out with some grooming tips for you, our beautiful readers. I’m soooo stoked!

It was such a bummer to lose to the Aussies on Sunday and their call couldn’t have come at a better time (I was in the middle of an intense pedicure – I know! Totally weird, hey?) I guess the Universe just works in mysterious ways!!

Anyways, it was a total no brainer for me and I said “YES!!! YESSSSSS BIG DADDY, YES!!!” immediately.

A lot of peeps label me as being rather one dimensional and a few folk even say some really nasty things about me like: “He’s a one trick pony”, or “He’s nothing but a fancy boy” and even “I wouldn’t let him near my sister”, so I’m grateful for this opportunity to set the record straight and to show just how much of an exotic creature I actually am!

Soooo, first up let’s deal with a question that I get asked all the time: “Pierre, how do you look so clean and fresh after playing a hard game of rugby?”

LOL!!! Silly Billy’s! It’s the oldest trick in the book, it’s sooo obvious! The key here beautiful readers, is to make yourself look busy, without actually doing anything;) Give off the illusion that you’re involved when in fact mentally you’re a thousand miles away, sipping a strawberry daiquiri under a palm tree wearing your favourite speedo whilst listening to a Michael Bolton box set. Easy peasy.

Mental visualisation really helps during boring old line outs...

Of course a lot depends on your work environment, but don’t fret my petals, set yourself small goals, don’t get flustered and I promise, soon you too will be doing absolutely zip whilst coming across as being an integral part of any team.

It really is that easy. Be brave, be bold, but most importantly…be ME!!!

I guess you’ll all need some time to digest this little nugget of wisdom, so let’s leave it at that for this week my darlings. I certainly don’t want to overwork you 😉

In closing I’d like to leave you with an inspirational quote from the great Shing Xiong, which has had a huge impact on my life: “In the end, it’s not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away”! Wow! Isn’t that just amazing?! Lets meditate on that for a moment…Ok, I’m done.

Shhhh! The coach thinks that these things are heavy!

Until next time…missing you already….


Mwah Mwah!

Pierre.

Classic Kiwi quotes…

In preparation for the NZ v Aus game this weekend I thought I’d getting things rolling with a few classic Kiwi quotes* from the last couple of years.

There’s some real beauties here, which should hopefully help with any foul moods that are still lingering from what shall now be referred to as “Black Sunday”

Tana Umaga – “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

Colin Cooper, Hurricanes head coach – “You guys line up alphabetically by height”. And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”

David Holwell – “I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first.”

Ma’a Nonu – “Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.”

Jerry Collins – “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”

Tony Brown – “That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.”

And then a couple of classics from everyone’s favourite Kiwi commentator Murray Mexted: 

Murray: Fighting hard against his natural instincts...

“Andy Ellis the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago”.

“He scored that try after only 22 seconds – totally against the run of play”.

“I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super14, but there are none better”.

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.”

And finally, the best for last…

“I don’t like these new rules because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him”.

* They probably said no such thing…but we don’t care. It’s kinda funny.

Why it’s always safe to write off France: England v France QF preview

Marc Lièvremont

No one to share a beer with... Lievremont picked up an expensive tab this weekend. Image via Wikipedia

The French rugby team is in complete disarray ahead of their quarterfinal showdown with the English.  “That’s so French…” we can all say to ourselves as we pour over the latest accounts of squad mutinies, broken down relationships and absurdist outbursts – but nothing quite sums it up the state of titsupness in the French camp like hearing the coach Marc Lievremont tear into his own players after their loss to Tonga:

“I thought I had experienced everything in terms of shame. But this time round, it’s been an extremely violent feeling again. Each missed pass, each missed tackle, I took them as a deep personal failure.”

“We live in a society where image matters,” Lievremont said. “I saw players with their agent on the eve and after the game instead of regrouping as a team”.

“I believe in the men, in a group who hopefully know how to pick themselves up,” he said. “I have got experienced and talented players. But maybe not as talented as I thought.

Nice one.  That’s classy Marc.  About as classy as a South African government employee handling a visa application from the Dalai Lama.  Yip, and further confirming Lièvremont status as a first class plank, he managed to channel his inner Rudolf Straueli when he suggested his solution for getting his team back on track to win the World Cup.  His idea? For the players to have a piss up, presumably followed by some sort of intimate bonding at a cross-dressing Japanese karaoke bar (because that’s how those kinds of evenings usually end):

“I’ve never been against sharing a few beers together, in order to get things out in the open, and that’s a possible option for us.”

Unfortunately for Lièvremont his hoped for post match bonding session didn’t materialise – it turns out his own players don’t like him much. The players took their beers and simply buggered off:

“I would have preferred it if we had shared a glass, spoken about it and just agreed that it is still a fine adventure,” he said.

Oh well. So much for that theory.  I would have loved to have seen CCTV footage of Lièvremont signing the credit card slip at the end of the night – having to pay for all the booze and no-one around to share the moment with him.

Speaking of CCTV footage, the English preparation is not a heck of a lot better.  Between dwarf-tossing, sexually harrassing waitresses and switching rugby balls (in other words a typical on week on tour with the English squad) there is much talk of the wheels coming off of English rugby.

The match is lining up to a clash of playing styles.  Wilkinson’s boot and versus French flair.  The English forwards rumble versus the French backs unpredictability.

So where should you be putting your money this weekend?  Well… if there is one thing I have learned from watching years of World Cup Rugby it is that you can safely and reliably write the French off.  If they have absolutely noooo chance of winning – you can bank on that.  In fact, I’d go so far to say that the French are so predictable, you can put your money down against them, not even bother to watch the game and head straight to your local bookie to collect your winnings.

France have neeeeeverrrrrrrrr surprised anybody…

Scotland’s two reactions to losing to England

For a brief and glorious 77 minutes it looked like Scotland might just have a day sweeter than winning the World Cup itself.  For 77 minutes it looked as though Scotland, in one swoop, were going to beat England, knock them out of the World Cup and do all of this with a coach that had been recently sacked by the English rugby union.  All of this was theirs, waiting on the table until Ashton scored in the 77th minute.  There were two reactions in Scotland at that moment.

Reaction A:

A Scottish aristocrat reacts violently to the sight of Ashton heading for the line.

or… you could just have the more traditional Scottish mindset, summed up by this text message I received from a Scottish fan during the game:

Reaction B:

“Don’t get your hopes up. I’m waiting for that traditional Scottish bad luck to show up.”

God bless ’em.

Genius Hugh Bladen Impersonation

So it looks like I’ve missed the boat by quite some margin with this little beauty…but believe me, if you haven’t already seen this gem of a clip it’s most definitely worth the effort of clicking that ol’ left mouse button…

It’s 100% hands down the best Hugh Bladen impersonation I’ve ever seen…(it’s also the only impersonation of Hugh Bladen that I’ve ever seen…but don’t let that stop you…seriously, this is good!)

I probably need to give credit to overtohugh.co.za although that website is no longer “up and running”…but regardless, there it is…

Also, if you’re offended by swearing, have small children near by, play in a worship band, or just generally don’t appreciate the fine art that is NSFW…then maybe it’s best to give this one a miss for now…

Over to Hugh…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLytfe79YyI]

Berlusconi promises to ‘treat’ Azzurri

Italian Prime Minister and self-confessed playboy Silvio Berlusconi has reportedly promised to throw an extravagant party for the Azzurri if they beat Ireland in their crunch match this Sunday – a gesture that seems particularly ill-timed in light of the current state of the Italian economy.

The eternally bronzed PM was overjoyed with the recent victory over the USA and despite his ‘special relationship’ with Vladimir Putin, he was particularly pleased with the result against Russia last week, saying:

 “I would’ve watched the match if only the plasma screen in the Jacuzzi room had been working, but the twins spilt some bubbly on it during a particularly frantic mud-fight.”

By promising the team a shindig that they won’t forget (or possibly remember) Berlusconi will be hoping to inspire them to secure a place in the quarter finals. There are even rumours that his wingman Putin may put in an appearance so the two can perform their infamous ‘Jagerbomb run’ routine, which is generally followed-up with his favourite ‘cook the cannelloni’ party-trick.

Berlusconi and 'friends'...air stewardess just out of shot

Bryce Lawrence: Endorsements 101

Oh dear…I think someone might need to have a quiet word with “Dean from Dublin”…

I’m no expert but surely asking someone who’s consistently wrong to endorse you or your product isn’t the best move in the book?

Or is this just another example of that saying “There’s no such thing as bad publicity” ?

At least Bryce looks pretty relaxed…must be that “Deep sports’ massage” he’s just had…which I suppose kind of means that Dean is actually doing a pretty decent job…

Way to go Silas, you knob…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WV5-dPauXoc]

Francois Hougaard: How it all began

As a young boy Francois had very little interest in rugby. In fact one could go as far as to say that he actually hated the game.

Growing up on a small holding just outside of Paarl Francois’ interests were heavily influenced by his four older sisters and it didn’t take long for him to find his true passion in life…cheerleading.

Soon Francois was dedicating all of his free time to learning everything he could about this much under appreciated art form. He spent ages studying the techniques of the past greats, focusing on champion cheerleaders such as “Kurt McCurdy”, “Leroy De Kous-kous” and “Little Jonny Johnson”. His hunger for knowledge was matched only by his ambition to succeed.

All of his hard work soon paid off and it came as no surprise when Francois was named as Captain of his schools’ elite cheerleading squad at the tender age of just 15. Further success followed in the form of an invitation to try out for the U17 “Wynland Regions”  squad, an opportunity he made full use of by being named “Most Flexible Newcomer” that year.

After completing Matric Francois knew that the only way he could do justice to his burgeoning cheerleading talents would be by joining up with a professional cheerleading outfit, so when he heard that the “Bulls Babes” were auditioning he packed up his Mazda 323 and made a bee-line north for Pretoria.

Unfortunately Francois hadn’t realised that he lacked the essential “physical attributes” necessary to become a successful “Bulls Babe” and the audition was a complete disaster.

Thankfully though, fate had other plans for him and it surely wasn’t just a coincidence that both Victor Matfield and Frans Ludeke were in attendance that day, checking out the quality of the new talent on offer. His energetic and abrasive audition routine so impressed the two men that they offered him a trial run with the Bulls that very same day. Having no other viable options available to him Francois accepted and the rest, as they say, is history.

Rugby has been kind to Francois and although he’s risen to the top of the game it’s a poorly kept secret that his heart still belongs to cheerleading.                    Keep an eye on him the next time he plays and you’ll more than likely notice him lustily staring at the cheerleaders as they go about their business…

Longing…wanting…sometimes even softly weeping…

Francois' favourite cheer: 1,2,3,4...Let me hear you scream some more...GO BULLE!!!

Big Daddy’s guide to a replacement Haka

Bok coach Peter de Villiers caused a bit of a stir this week by suggesting that the Haka was losing its respect due to its being performed too often.

Well, the Kiwis have no need to worry as here’s BDR’s guide to other potential pre-match challenges that could be just as effective.

The Macarena

Everybody’s favourite Latin dance sensation that allowed even geeks a chance to look good on the dance-floor.

Pros: Optional maracas could be a nice touch (we’re looking at you Sonny Bill!)

Cons: Opposing team are likely to join in, which would just get plain awkward

The Hokey-Pokey (Cokey)

Old school participation song-cum-dance that set the benchmark for others to follow.

Pros: So easy (the words are the moves) that even the most uncoordinated can do it…Colin ‘butter fingers’  Slade take note!

Cons: The ‘shake it all about’ section may not set the right tone for the match

The Time Warp

The indie S&M version of the Hokey Pokey featured in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

 

Pros: More edgy than the others, but just as addictive and the All-Black kit fits the mood perfectly

Cons: Tricky to sing and perform with some high vocal register parts – so lots of warm-up required

Y.M.C.A

Who doesn’t know the Y.M.C.A? The ultimate party dance made famous by the sports bar-loving Village People.

Pros: The element of surprise and a good excuse to be more adventurous with facial hair

Cons: Too many to mention

So there you have it…something for Graham Henry’s successor to mull over.

If BDR readers have any of their own suggestions  please feel free to try these out in the privacy of your own home.

Interview with ‘Grizzly’ Adam Kleeberger

In keeping with our (un)healthy obsession with facial hair, Big Daddy Rugby decided it was time to put a few questions to Canada’s Adam Kleeberger.

The first thing you notice about Kleeberger is the size of the man’s hands. My gosh they’re huge – like giant paddles. I was fortunate enough to track him down at the team’s hotel in Napier ahead of their big match against France.

Kleeberger has caused quite a stir at the tournament, with his ‘wild-man’ beard trending almost as much as Jay-Z’s love-child. The big man also had a massive game against the Tongans, with the Canucks having edged the Pacific Islanders by a whisker.

On entering the hotel lobby, Kleeberger was immediately noticeable by being shoe-less and sitting in the double lotus position. This was going to be interesting…

Big Daddy Rugby: Hi Adam, thanks for taking the time to meet with BDR today.

Adam Kleeberger: Don’t mention it. By the way, you made a lot of noise on your approach. I could hear you a mile off.

BDR: Oh right….is that a bad thing?

AK: If you want to last one night in the Canadian wilds it is. Your smell gives you away too.

BDR: Thanks, I guess…if I could ask you about the Tongan match. Was that more of a scare than you were hoping for?

AK: I don’t believe in fear. Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

BDR: That’s interesting. Didn’t Yoda say that?

AK: No.

BDR: Okay.

At this point in the interview Kleeberger closed his eyes and took a number of deep breaths

AK: Okay, I’m back!

BDR: Great. Will the team be trying a different approach in the match against the French?

AK: As a team we don’t believe in trying. Do or do not, there is no try.

BDR: Err..Isn’t that something else that….never mind. So the ‘growth’ is getting quite a bit of coverage at the moment? Do you…

AK: Don’t move! Stay perfectly still! A wasp has just landed on your shoulder and if you move he will strike you dead compadre!

BDR: I’m not so sure they’re THAT lethal…

AK: You weren’t THERE man!

BDR: Vietnam??

AK: British Columbia…1998. Swarm of wasps as thick as mud. I had to go to ground for three days straight.

Kleeberger springs from his seated position and swipes the wasp with one of  his mighty paws

BDR: Geez..thanks Adam! Close shave huh?!

AK: (Chuckles) I wouldn’t know my friend. I wouldn’t know.

BDR: Well anyway, enjoy the rest of the tournament and may the force be with you!

Swift exit BDR

'Grizzly' Adam Kleeberger....he knows what you did last summer!

Signs of reincarnation in the Bok squad…literally

At Big Daddy we take pride in asking the ‘big questions’ that matter, the questions that challenge the norm, and that others just don’t have the balls to ask.

  • is the ‘war on terror’ merely a smokescreen for a new wave of Western imperialism?
  • has the world financial crisis been stage managed for the benefit of a wealthy elite?
  • is Gurthro Steenkamp the reincarnation of ancient Egyptian high priest and polymath Imhotep?

Gurthro's response to the Fijian haka had Ancient Egyptian mythology written all over it

World Cup 2011 off with a bang…sort of

Well the opening match between the hosts and Tonga went pretty much as expected, but it was not the pasting that most were expecting and All Black’s coach Graham Henry rated his team’s performance a disappointing 5 out of 10 and only marginally better than Sex and the City 2.

Henry has a few selection quandaries for upcoming matches with ‘hot off the bench-press’ Sonny Bill Williams dazzling the Tongans with his complicated tattoos and single-handed layoffs….in fact I lost count of how many times the commentator used the words ‘layoff’ and Sonny Bill Williams in the same sentence and I started to suspect him of merely enjoying saying the Inside centre’s catchy name.

Let’s be honest, it is pretty fun to say….Sonny Bill Williams….give it go and tell me it doesn’t instantly make you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Call me cynic,  but I found the opening ceremony pretty underwhelming. Seeing Jonah Lomu gyrating to the ‘World in Union’ anthem (in what I can only imagine to be an attempt at dancing) was up there with ‘walking in on your parents’ on the awkwardness scale. I bet Sonny Bill Williams could show him a thing or two.

If you missed the  ceremony and match…no need to fret…as BDR has compiled a special highlights package that can be seen below. And before you ask…yes, it’s mostly clips of Sonny Bill Williams.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIMxTZr5mnY&feature=player_embedded#!]