Player profile pic of the week: Schalk ‘the hulk’ Burger



Has anyone else wondered where Schalk’s been hiding away this season?

I just assumed he was taking time out to wrestle livestock on his family’s wine estate? Or perhaps he had decided to ‘find himself’ by going feral for a few months – living in a cave, hunting by day and howling at the moon by night?

Well if the above profile pic on the Stormers’ website is anything to go by, it seems he’s actually been living the life of a social delinquent by frequenting the local bar and club scene, downing Jagerbombs and getting into bare-knuckle fistfights with anyone less hairy than himself.

Or he might just be injured.

Scotland wins first match in Australia since the release of Thriller

In a game that closely resembled the latter half of the film Titanic, in other words in which the ‘wet look’ tended to predominate, the brave Scots eked a narrow victory over the Wallabies on their home turf for the first time since 1982.

Yes…1982, that’s the same year that Thriller hit the airwaves. The same year that a loveable film about a young boy’s somewhat inappropriate relationship with an extra terrestrial resembling a dog-turd caused grown-men to cry the world over!

The feat is all the more impressive when you consider that Australia is currently ranked the 2nd best team in the world, and that the Scots lost everything but the shirts on their backs during the 6 Nations earlier this year.

 Good on you Scotland! Here’s to a few more upsets in the upcoming weeks…

Michael Jackson

30 years on and it’s still a doozie…

The boy wonder Patrick Lambie vs Old Man Stirling Mortlock

The Super 15 delivered yet again this weekend with a healthy dose of high-five moments.

One that stood-out for me personally was seeing old man Stirling Mortlock score his 50th try in Super Rugby in a surprising win for the Rebels over the Crusaders.

It was one of the those moments in sport when it felt like everyone was rooting  for the same guy…willing his tired legs over the line and allowing some of us to feel that 35 is not too old to get the boots out from under the bed and try out for selection in next year’s tournament.

The same match also saw Kurtley Beale getting flattened by a massive hit that temporarily wiped the smirk from under that ridiculous crumb-catcher of his. The guy’s a great player…but let’s face it – that tash makes him look like a someone who’s not allowed within 50 yards of a children’s playground.

Kurtley Beale

Kurtley Beale before and after his stint on ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’


At the other end of the age spectrum from ‘The Mortlocker’ is the cherub-faced boy wonder Pat Lambie…can this kid do no wrong?! He’s like Justin Bieber, but WITH talent!

Yet again he played a pivotal role in his team’s victory, but this time he graciously let some of his team mates get-in on the action – unlike last weekend where he scored all of the Sharks’ 28 points.

Just in case you missed that…here’s one that he finished-off in style with a little help from his friend Hosea Gear.


England name squad for South African tour de farce

England have named their 42-man squad for their tour to South Africa next month.

Stuart Lancaster, who was offered the head honcho role back in March, has stuck with a similar squad to the one that ended the 6 Nations on high by beating Ireland 30 – 9 and finishing in a respectable 2nd place.

The selectors have also chosen to bring back hell raising scrum-half Danny ‘Day’ Care, after his stint on the naughty step for repeated alcohol related benders (see previous BDR post).

Care commented:

“I’m really looking forward to being a part of this tour. I’ve heard the beaches and wine in South Africa are up there with the best! But this is no holiday, well…it’s kind of a holiday…I mean sure, we’re out there to play rugby, but you still got have time to unwind and let your hair down. When in Rome and all that!”

Stuart Lancaster…will want to keep a tight grip on his balls during the tour to SA.

5 reasons why you should never celebrate St Patrick’s Day in an Irish theme pub

Last month I had the pleasure of visiting Salzburg in Austria. As a historical centre of culture and tradition, as well as the birthplace of one of the world’s most loved composers, I thought it would be only fitting to visit the town’s one and only Irish pub.

Ireland also happened to be playing the English in a crucial 6 Nations encounter on St. Paddy’s Day – so it was likely that this would be the only place to catch the game, and quite possibly a STD going by the looks of the clientele upon arrival.

To cut a long story short, the game was a disappointment and the pub turned out to be the fifth circle of hell (that’s the one with all the drunks and other self-harmers), and so that  BDR readers can learn from my mistakes, here’s 5 reasons why you should avoid one at all costs:

1. No one is actually Irish

The first thing you tend to notice about most Irish theme pubs is that no one is actually Irish. See that big guy in the corner with the ‘Kiss me, I’m Irish t-shirt’…he’s NOT Irish. How about the one with the fake orange beard and the amusing leprechaun costume? Surely he’s… NO, he’s NOT Irish either! Just because you’re wearing a Pogues t-shirt, you’ve seen The Commitments five times, and your name happens to be Pat – does NOT make you Irish. But it does make you a TWAT if that’s any consolation.

Bring it ladeees...


2. Everyone will be younger than you

I am getting older….fact. There is nothing I can do about this irrefutable truth (for now…) and I realise that the odds of encountering someone younger and fleeter of foot than myself are greatly increasing. Despite this, I can’t help but feel that St Paddy’s day is increasingly being hijacked by gangs of youngsters who appear to resemble the entire cast from the Twilight films – just with slightly more green eyeshadow. Do they even care that St Patrick died for their sins, and rid the country of all its snakes in one fell swoop?! Shame on them I say!

"I'll paddywack your ass biatch!"


3. There will be lots, and I mean lots, of oversized Guinness hats

It’s just not St Paddy’s Day without those relentlessly funny oversized Guinness hats. Just when you think the world has finally succumbed to a depressing gloom of post-modern cynicism, some prankster dons the old oversized Guinness hat and makes it all okay. And it’s a good thing that most Irish pubs have a steady supply too! Even better… if your girlfriend shows the barman her knockers, he’ll give you extra to take home to all your ridiculously funny non-Irish friends. Score!

How can you not pull wearing one of these?


4. There will be singing…bad singing

Right, here’s the deal. I have nothing against singing…when it’s done well that is! For one thing The Sound Of Music was set in Salzburg, so you’d have to be a complete cynic, or Nazi, to not get into the spirit of song while in town. This however, does not give free license for a group of drunk and deliriously tone deaf punters to sing along to the chorus of  ‘Sunday, Bloody Sunday’ as if they lived and fought through ‘the troubles’. Do the rest of us a favour and save it for the shower or the karaoke game on your X-box.

Another rousing rendition of 'Whiskey in Jar'


5. The bar staff will relentlessly ignore you

I don’t know what it is about St Paddy’s Day…but suddenly everyone’s a charmer and has the gift of the gab. The bad news for anyone wanting a pint of the black stuff is that Pat (the sleazy barman with the pony tail and the tasteful shamrock tat on his arse) will be too busy chatting-up the local totty and reminiscing about the ‘old country’ – or at least his interpretation of it from having watched The Wind that Shakes the Barley. True story.

A real Irishman would drink those before half-time.

Wales are the champs – break out the Tom Jones!

Congrats to Wales.  With a comfortable 16-9 put down of France at Cardiff, they’ve taken the 6 Nations title and done it with a grand slam.  So while fans everywhere can bust out some Tom Jones and celebrate the Welsh coaching staff will have to get used to life without the underdog title.

As genuine northern hemisphere silverware owners, the Welsh now have a target on them.  Break out the sherbets for sure, but the southern hemisphere will now be gunning for them.

While it has been nauseating to read in the English press about losing to a “special generation” of players, a strong Welsh team really opens up the interest in that tournament.  It’s a far cry from the days of early Wilkinson when “Le Crunch” determined who would be the 6 Nations champion, or more specifically whether Le Crunch was played in England or France.

It was a pity to see Ireland get completely annihilated at scrum time against England, were it not for that pitiable forward pack you could say that four of the six nations would fancy themselves as realistic title contenders.  But for now, Wales have put on the crown and will be the new team to beat.   They’ve got three tantalising tests against Australia in June.  That’s going to be cracking.

Here’s to you Wales – worthy 6N champs.  Here’s hoping you send a full strength team to Oz this year.

Here's looking at you big guy!

England cause 6 Nations upset

Stuart Lancaster’s England team caused shockwaves throughout the rugby world on Sunday by turning up to their match in Paris completely sober. 

According to sources within the camp, the players had an early night-in on the Saturday, with some marshmallow-topped hot chocolates to accompany a DVD viewing of The Bodyguard

It was lights-out at 11pm, but not before the evening was topped-off with prop Matt Stevens (who reached the final of Celebrity X Factor in 2006) serenading the players to sleep with an emotional rendition of the Julie Garland classic Over the Rainbow. Bless.

The team also managed to beat 6 Nations contenders France, resulting in their first home defeat in 10 matches.

Matt Stevens' singing was said to cause 'man tears'

Danny Care makes it a hat-trick

Danny ‘Devil may care’ Care recently completed a remarkable hat-trick….of arrests!

The England and Harlequins scrum-half, who was dropped from the 6 Nations squad earlier this year for being pissed behind the wheel, was arrested in Leeds over the weekend  – this time for being caught pissing outside a hotel in the city centre.

Apparently Care was on his way home from a night out on the town when he was forced to ask the driver of the taxi he was in to pull over so that he could ‘release the Kraken’.

Care was later released with a caution (that he should wash his hands in future) and in a statement made after the incident said:

“I understand the link that will be made to previous offences but, as with my fine in December, the issue is more one of a small bladder than excessive drinking.”

So Danny’s the victim here people…overactive bladder syndrome’s no laughing matter, unless your Ben Youngs or Lee Dickson that is, in which case your laughing all the way into the No. 9 jersey!

Danny Care

Danny Care gets used to his new position in the England a spectator.

Scotland score try at Murrayfield…eyewitnesses continue to come forward

At least five eyewitnesses have come forward to confirm the sighting of a Scotland try at Murrayfield on Sunday.

The try was said to occur in the team’s narrow loss to the French during the recent 6 Nations clash, with some even claiming that there were up to two tries – though these reports are yet to be verified.

Spectator Alan McDougall, an honest straight-talking lawyer from Glasgow, said:

“I seen it with my own two eyes! I had just returned to my seat with an unobstructed view, having spent a mere five minutes buying inexpensive chilled beers from the conveniently located food and beverage kiosk, when I saw Hogg levitate over the line for the first try.

The second one came shortly after a clearly audible announcement over the ground’s Tannoy system that the next round of drinks were on the house courtesy of sponsors RBS – who wanted to give something back to ‘the people’.”

Stuart Hogg was seen to levitate over the line for Scotland's first try since the Jacobite rebellion.

England fullback not likely to holiday in Wales anytime soon

England player Ben Foden has been stoking the fire yet again ahead of the England v Wales showdown this Saturday.

The fullback has positioned himself right at the top of the ‘most hated man in Wales’ rankings by tipping England to take the 6 Nations title, despite their mediocre showing in the tournament so far.

This comes after his taunt prior to last year’s 6 Nations clash  in Cardiff when he said, ‘We are England, we are the big country, we are going to put these guys in their place.’

Clearly Ben didn’t get the memo that the days of the Empire are over. Last time I checked this was a rugby tournament, not a platform for invading someone else’s country to exploit their natural resources and claiming the right to sleep with their women.

Admittedly England went on to win that encounter (to be fair they probably did get some Welsh skirt too!), but the price Foden has had to pay since then is getting more hate mail than Michael Jackson’s prescription happy ex-doctor Colin Murray.

Wales will be looking to exact revenge for last year’s defeat – and if they do, they will be one step closer to the coveted Grand Slam as well as making Foden eat a big slice of humble pie along with his favourite chocolate protein shake.

Ben Foden gets a bit 'me' time

From Cricket With Balls: is it racist to hate South Africans?

Definitely not a rugby post, but there’s enough common ground between this gem of a cricket blog and BDR to merit a post.  Is it racist to hate Saffers?

This is the question I have often pondered over the years.

Sure they are evil, but to purely not like someone because they come from South Africa does have a racist slant on it.

What about if you can justify it purely on the cricket team?

Still racist, well its not monkey slur, but it’ll do.

So why do I hate South Africans, I can narrow it down to two events.

Kepler Wessels bagging Australia after going back to South Africa, even after they let the untalented pr1ck open for them.

And Brian McMillan’s hissy fit in the 92 world cup. Everyone knew it was going to rain num nuts, everyone knew the rain rule was flawed and favoured the side batting first. So why send the other side in and then sook about it.

These are trivial events that won’t sway a neutral person, so now I’ll use the big cannons.

South Africa’s opening bowler, and most popular sportsmen, Ntini, is a convicted rapist. Not alleged, but convicted, who was only let out of jail, after being found not guilty on a technicality.

Hansie Cronje ran over a small child and killed it. He says it was an accident, but he was heard to say ‘what were the odds of that happening” shortly afterwards.

Graham Smith is an @sshole. That is all.

Herchelle Gibbs accepted money to throw his innings, and sell out his country. Then he didn’t even do that right. You can’t trust him if youre a bookie or a cricket fan.

KP is South African.

Andre Nel is a serial killer. I have no proof, but look at his eyes.

Their ex coach, and a nice guy, Bob Woolmer was found dead in a hotel room. Coincidence that the South Africans were in the region at the same time, I’ll let you be the judge.

Tony Greig is South African, and a pervert.

Hansie Cronje was a match fixer, who then became a born again Christian (a worse crime?), before he faked his own death and is now living in a ménage a trois with Princess Di and 2pac.

Jacques Kallis is really boring.

And between you and I, an ex Victorian Legend suspects one of their players is a terrorist.

To top all this off, this week they beat an Australian domestic team savagely. New Zealand is the least populated state of Australia, they only have 300 residents, and so to embarrass them like that is quite unnecessary.

I think they made Daniel Vettori cry.

Cricket with Ball’s most excellent blog can be found here.

6 Nations going according to plan….except for that frozen pitch farce!

So just when you thought that everything was going according to plan in the 6 Nations (yes…the Italians did nearly beat the English, but their fullback soon took care of that with a shocker of a clearance kick that even Hodgson couldn’t botch), the French decide to pull the rug from under everyone’s feet by converting the Stade de France into the worlds biggest open-air ice rink.

The caretaker preps the Stade de France pitch for the big game.

I totally respect the decision to cancel a match when the safety of the players is at risk, but to do it 2 minutes prior to kick-off while the brass band is still playing and 80,000 expectant fans, who have travelled and patiently waited in frost-bitten conditions, are on the verge of still having a reason to live – is another thing.
Apparently most of the crowd refused to budge, whether this was in fact because they were actually frozen to the spot is a distinct possibility, until the French captain Thierry Dusautoir came out and told them to bugger-off home over the PA system….and don’t forgot to take your litter with you – ungrateful plebs!
Thanks Thierry!
I’m mildly irritated because I’d just opened a perfectly chilled lager and fluffed-up my favourite tv-watching pillow for the occassion…AND this was in the comfort of my own  centrally-heated home. God knows how pissed (in both senses of the word) the travelling Irish fans must’ve been!
So the upshot is they have rescheduled the match for early March, by which stage they hope the glacier will have retreated from Northern France. I reckon my lager’s going to be flat by then…Hmph!

This Irish supporter couldn't even be arsed to request a refund.

Dan Parks quits rugby…horse’s head rumours unfounded says coach

Parks was almost 100% sure that he’d had some high-points during his rugby career.
Dan Parks sent shockwaves through Scotland yesterday having announced that he was retiring from test rugby with immediate effect.
Street parties spontaneously erupted in some the nation’s bigger towns and cities, however there were those that came to the defence of the fly-half (despite his poor showing in the Calcutta Cup match on Saturday), with First Minister Alex Salmond reportedly having been put off his mutton stew dinner – deciding instead on a light snack of  deep-fried Mars Bars and a plate of dropped scones.
Scotland coach Andy Robinson was quick to reject rumours that the suddenness of Parks’ retirement had any links to the reports of a severed horse’s head having been discovered in his bed after returning home after Saturday’s match. At a recent press-conference Robinson said:
‘This horse’s head thing is really getting blown out of proportion…even if someone had put a horse’s head in Dan’s bed, that’s got nothing to do with his leaving the team – the Scottish Rugby Union in no way sanctions the placing of horse’s heads in players’ beds at any time.’
Parks was not available for comment and was said to be having a farewell piss-up with team-mates and close friends.

Parks enjoying a farewell drink with friends and supporters.

Another Scottish torture scene

Not again... not again...

FFS. This was the year for Scotland to take that English rugby jersey, rip it off the uncapped 12 year olds England had picked for this test, drag it through the mud of Murrayfield and send it back to Twickenham with the head of an crushed “London2012” stuffed toy.   England looked rubbish before the match, heck they even looked rubbish throughout the game.  Scotland dominated both territory and possession – but managed to absolutely hose this one anyway in true Scottish style.  I suppose that is what happen when Dan Parks is your flyhalf.

Every year I fall for it.  There is a rousing rendition of Flower of Scotland.  The Scottish rugby jersey is looking particularly sexy.  The English are looking weak and vulnerable, and I tell myself… this time, this time will be different.  Scotland can’t possibly ham it up again.  Surely everything that came before was simply to lull them into a false sense of security waiting for this moment.  But I tend to always forgot that special skill Scotland have of pulling defeat out of a certain win.  No credit to England (other than limiting the penalty count) this was a game entirely lost through Scotland’s own efforts. You can’t win test matches if you can’t clear the ball from your own tryline (Andre Pretorius anyone?).  You can’t win test matches if you don’t find touch with “pressure relieving” penalty touch kicks.  You can’t win test matches when you hose a three on one overlap because your big fella is going for glory against the English fullback.

Whenever the tv camera turned towards Andy Robinson I could feel my sympathetic pains rising.  Heck, I think I even had some kind of a spasm on his behalf when the tv ref wouldn’t award what probably should have been the decisive Scotland score.  But geez, Dan Parks had yet another shocker (missed World Cup drop goal anyone?) and that fella supporting him at number 9 must be the worst player to fill the scrumhalf position since Ollie Le Roux decided to wear Joost’s jersey at his own bachelor party.  You can’t win test matches if 9 and 10 are playing a shocker boys.  It doesn’t matter how much you’ve psyched the boys up in the changing room before hand with Mel Gibson clips.

It’s going to be another long cold year of Scotland getting savaged and plundered by their less incomprehensible neighbors.  Sigh.

Big Daddy’s Essential ‘All You Can Eat’ Guide to the 6 Nations 2012

There was alot of testosterone in the room that day.


So the big chill has finally descended on Europe (I am literally typing this while wearing a pair of gloves!)….and just when we thought we were going to get away with the mildest winter since the Jurassic period. This coupled with the post-Xmas blues has meant the only thing stopping half-frozen commuters from ending it all by hurtling themselves on to the railway-tracks (only to find that their train has been delayed by half an hour…awkward) has been a morbid fascination to see how the Eurozone debt crisis turns out.

The good news for us Northern Hemisphere folk is that there will be a reason to get out of bed this weekend (unless you have a TV in the bedroom, in which case you won’t have to move at all), as International Rugby is back on the menu with the start of the 6 Nations tournament! Yeeehaw….

And just so you can enjoy it all the more, here’s Big Daddy’s essential guide:



Coach: Stuart Lancaster – no pressure Stu, the RFU is right behind you…literally, so watch your back.

Captain: Chris Robshaw – has more syllables in his name than caps…experience isn’t everything, is it?

Man to watch: David Strettle – the Premiership’s in-form winger.

Strapline: A young, inexperienced side with a lot to prove but not much to live up to.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Policy of Truth or Condemnation (depending on how much the tabloids find out)

Team motto: ‘No news is good news’.

BDR’s Prediction: 4th



Coach: Philippe Saint-Andre, also known as ‘The Pig’…apparently.

Captain: Thierry Dusautoir – IRB player of the year.

Man to watch: Imanol Harinordoquy – you can’t pronounce his name and he hates you for it. A tour de force.

Strapline: The team to beat…if they decide to play.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Sometimes or A Question of Lust (depending on what mood they’re in)

Team motto: ‘Give it to Thierry’.

BDR’s Prediction: 1st



Coach: Declan Kidney – softly spoken number-cruncher.

Captain: Paul O’Connell – in the absence of injured golden-boy Brian O’Driscoll.

Man to watch: Stephen Ferris – a potato man-mountain with speed.

Strapline: Not as good as their provincial teams.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Never Let Me Down Again

Team motto: ‘Age before beauty.’

BDR’s Prediction: 3rd



Coach: Jacques Brunel – a Frenchman, a turncoat…a part-time amateur film-maker?!

Captain: Sergio Parisse – if they could clone him to make a whole team, they would.

Man to watch: Martin Castrogiovanni – powerful name, powerful man.

Strapline: The whipping-boys

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Dream On

Team motto: ‘Rome was not built in a day…or even 10 years’

BDR’s Prediction: 6th – at best.



Coach: Andy Robinson – lost his hair even before he started coaching Scotland.

Captain: Ross Ford – who?!…he’s replacing Kelly Brown…oh…wait… who?!

Man to watch: John Barclay – best flanker in the tournament, depending on who you’re talking to and if they’re Scottish.

Strapline:  If only they could score a try they might win something.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Everything Counts

Team motto: ‘The end justifies the means’.

BDR’s Prediction: 5th



Coach: Warren Gatland – Wales’ adopted son.

Captain: Sam Warburton – one of the players of the World Cup…when he stays on the field.

Man to watch: George North – “It’s alive!”…and it’s as fast as a friggin freight-train.

Strapline: Best of the Home Nations…could win it if they have belief.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: A Question of Time or Agent Orange (if Gavin Henson is in the squad)

Team motto: ‘Boys will be boys’.

BDR’s Prediction: 2nd

BDR’s wishlist for Heyneke Meyer

The Springboks have a new coach and there’s that familiar feeling that comes with clearing out the rubbish (by rubbish I mean you PdV).  Every time there is a new coach, the whole country gets that insane optimism that things are never going to be bad again.  So in the spirit of eternal hope and new starts, here are a few things we’d like to ask of the Springbok coach:

  • No more Bryan Habana.  Geez that guy is kak.  So unbelievably kak.  He is sooo kak.  Please don’t pick him again. ever. It’s not even funny kak like the days of Jorrie Muller when Rudolf used to pick his backline based on comedic impact.  Habana is just kak.  Only if he actually top the try scoring table should he be considered.  None of this, he has found his form “’cause he looked in the training facility playing ping-pong against Fourie du Preez”.
  • More Lambo, less Morne.  That could be tough for you, I know.
  • Get a restraining order on Earl Rose please.
  • Let’s not have three Bulls hookers in the squad.
  • Can you do something about that hair thingy you’ve got going on at the top of your head?  You represent me, I’m from Cape Town and we don’t do our hair like that.  I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve with that thing, but its embarrassing me son.
  • I don’t mind ugly rugby, I really don’t.  Heck, I’ll take a 6-5 scoreless victory over the All Blacks every Saturday, even if those 6 points were scored by two droppies from inside our own half.  I really don’t mind that sort of thing, just don’t talk about “passion”.  I like my rugby players cold, merciless and cruel.  Like Hannibal Lecter.  If I hear you say that the reason we lost on a particular Saturday is because our players “didn’t want it enough” I’m going to personally jump over the sponsors boards and embarrass you by weeping tears of blood at your next press conference.
  • Pick players based on the overall game, not just that one thing they really do well.  I know Wynand Olivier is hot with the girls and the metrosexuals, but he can’t tackle to save his life.  So there’s that.
  • I want you to swear at least one Supersport presenter.  To his face.  Call him f–king stupid or something like that when he asks you if you were disappointed to lose a game you lost in the dying seconds.  I’d love that.  Really, you can pick any of the presenters, but I’d really like it if it was Darren or Joel.  That would be great.  While you’re at it, you should tell Joel that he’s been milking that one drop kick for over fifteen years now.  Even Vanilla Ice has moved on from his one hit wonder.  Sure, there was coke and heroine involved… but still.  Also, ask Joel if he is the one paying DSTV to keep showing footage of that drop goal.  We get it, Joel.  Everyone has f–king seen it now.  I promise you, you’ll be recognized at the local Mugg & Bean.  You don’t have to worry about some oke in a Bok jersey not picking up your drinks tab.
  • Can you do something about those Cheetahs cheerleaders while you’re at it?
  • I’d really like to dominate the All Blacks – ever.  Despite them winning the World Cup they are still the weakest All Black side I’ve seen in a while.  Finish them Heyneke..

Candy in his heels…sponge in his brain

Will drop pants for place in Welsh squad.

Who can take a sunrise
Sprinkle it in dew
Cover it in chocolate
and a miracle or two?

The Gav-man
The Gav-man can
The Gav-man can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good

Who can take a rainbow
Wrap it as a sigh
Soak it in the sun
and make a strawberry lemon pie?

Children: The Gav-man?

The Gav-man
The Gav-man can
The Gav-man can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good

Bryce Lawrence ‘not welcome’ in South Africa

Sanzar recently confirmed that the controversial New Zealand referee has not been invited to officiate over any Super Rugby matches taking place in South Africa this year.

Sanzar’s referee boss Lyndon Bray stressed that the decision is in no way a reflection of Lawrence’s professionalism or linked to his clinical blindness, a condition he has suffered with since birth, but purely to avoid the medical bill and law suit associated with the obligatory pistol whipping as soon as the ref set foot on SA soil.

Lawrence was not available for comment, but his guide dog Kurtley is said to be very distraught by the decision, having repeatedly pooped on his favourite Kashmir rug – a gift from close friend Robbie Deans during the World Cup.

Bryce Lawrence's welcome committee gather at Oliver Tambo airport

Heyneke Meyer: New Bok Coach (uhoh’s already heard in Cape Town)

Heyneke Meyer - the former Bond Villain of SA rugby who coached the Bulls across space and time from his undersea lair deep in the Pacific Ocean.

Heyneke is the new man in the Springbok coach hotseat.  Victor Matfield’s wildest dreams just came true (too late for Vic though) and the man who built the Bulls powerhouse of the early 21st century is in now in charge of the green and gold Jersey.

So what does that mean for the Boks?  A few thoughts…

A return from international isolation isolation for Liefling?  Probably.  Helluva boring rugby consisting of drop goals from anywhere under 70 metres out and outside backs who are hired for their ability to take up and unders rather than then break the line should be the order of the day.

In other words, Morne Steyn’s stock just went up.  Lambo’s just went down.

All the young promising talent of other regions will suddenly find the move up north a lot more promising.  If you get in the good books of that oke with the funny haircut in the tracksuit who has been on the Bulls bench since apartheid, I am pretty sure he will put in a good word with Heyneke for you.

Low risk rugby? As they say in Wisconsin, “you betcha!”.  Hell, I’m probably okay with that, although the audible sighs are already eminating from Forries (and not just because the keg is broken again). The purists are already arguing about abolishing the drop goal and wanting “beautiful rugby”.

A Bulls quota system again *sigh*.  A minimum of three Bulls hookers in each Bok squad before any other team’s hooker gets a look in.

Oy, Western Province and the romantics… PeedeeVee set you back a century my friends.  It’s time for the anti-Snor.

Seperated at birth? (Part 19)

Percy has always been one of the more animated of South Africa’s rugby players, so it was not much of a surprise to see him turn-up in Dreamworks animated movie Shrek.

Some critics argued that his portrayal of Prince Charming was a bit OTT, though personally I think the white boots were a nice touch.

BDR reckons it’s just a matter of time before we see Monty playing the role he was born for…. the Danish King!

To be blonde, or not to be blonde...that is the question.

Pat Lambie sets his 2012 goal: the ability to grow facial hair

Our usually reliable source in Durban (the same one who said that Suarez was a nice guy, actually) has reliably informed us that young Patrick Lambie has been on a gruelling off season training routine trying to grow something resembling facial hair.  He has set himself the 2012 goal of a little pencil moustache before the end of the year and a career goal of trying to emulate the “grizzly bear on crack” look from Josh Strauss’ 2011 season.

Lambo’s motivation to achieve this 2012 goal came from a party after the World Cup, where he was openly mocked by several Stellenbosch groupies at the Acapulco Spur.  Insults like “Hey… Clean Shirt” and “Gillette Boy” were bandied about with much regularlarity until Lambie was seen bursting into tears only to be rescued by Victor Matfield who proceeded to stop the taunting by repeatedly smashing Bismark Du Plessis’ face into the bar counter.  Lambie spent the rest of the evening crouched in the fetal position in the corner of the bar, whispering to himself and sobbing gently every now and then.  Out of this dark evening was born Pat’s hunger to grow facial hair and to one day be able to imitate the two heroes in his life: Victor Matfield and Mark Lawrence.

His rigorous off season of “manning up” has included his first taste of alchohol, learning “lines” to use on girls at bars, a weekend camping at the Cedarberg without his Playstation 3 and his first trip to Mavericks (which ended badly, but he has vowed to try again).  Bismark has had to make things up to Lambie by helping him with his dress sense (no more Bugs Bunny ties at Springbok sporting functions Lambo!) and also by teaching him how to eye-gouge and apply the “one-incher” at the bottom of the ruck.  If things don’t improve before season end we understand he will be hiring Mike Tindale…

Lambie has been known to hide his shame by surrounding himself with complete knobs in a desparate attempt to appear likeable.

England training to involve regular AA meetings

England’s caretaker coach Stuart Lancaster is contemplating regular AA meetings as part of the team’s preparation ahead of the Six Nations next month.

This comes after scrum-half Danny Care was arrested twice in three weeks for drink‑related offences. The Harlequins player was stopped by police on New Year’s Eve for driving while twice over the limit, having previously been arrested for being drunk and disorderly.

Care has now been thrown-out of the squad and Lancaster is said to be extremely disappointed, reportedly saying ‘Danny is an embarrassment to the team, Tindall would’ve been at least five times over the limit and would still have had the sense to try and do a runner…he has a BMW 5-series for Christ’s sake!’

The recently appointed coach is insisting that there is not an endemic drinking problem within the England ranks and has defended the proposed AA meetings as being a motivational exercise in which the players will learn to have fun outside of a ‘24-hour drug fueled partython environment.’

The dramatically reduced risk of hepatitis of the liver would just be an added bonus.

Danny Care contemplates missing-out on the Six nations...over a stiff drink of course.

2012 and Big Daddy Rugby

As you may have noticed, things have been kind of quiet on Big Daddy Rugby.  We’ve taken a few days off for the holidays while we think about the way ahead for this site in 2012.  If you have any suggestions for what you’d like to see from us (or less of) in 2012, please feel free to send them to or comment below.

Jonny Wilkinson hangs up his kicking boots

It’s hard not to like Jonny Wilkinson.

A man more humble than the Dalai Lama, but far better looking and with a precision kicking game that took England to World Cup victory in 2003.

I hate him.

But that’s besides the point, and probably more to do with the fact that I secretely want to be him.

Wilko really was an asset to the sport and played rugby in the true spirit of the game…whatever that means.

He was arguably the best fly-half in the world a few years ago until he got more injuries than Wile E Coyote after a particualry bad run-in with the Road Runner.

Go forth and prosper Jonny! I look forward to getting the autobiography for Xmas and not reading it.

I bet the pictures will be great though.

Like a true gentleman, Jonny always took his shoes off before making love to you with his eyes.

Shane Williams…what a way to go!

Shane you beauty!

Scoring a cracker of a try in injury time in your last ever game for Wales….nice!

If the post-match interview with twinkle-toed Shane fighting back the tears while holding his hobbit-like offspring didn’t move you – either you’re a cynical fool without a heart or you have no tear ducts.

An emotional farewell from Shane Williams



Mallett demands Rob Andrew’s head on a plate…with a side order of Lady Gaga

Nick Mallett has confirmed that he may still be in the running as the new England coach, but only on the condition that Rob Andrew ‘eats twenty strawberry flavoured energy bars in the space of five minutes’. 

In addition to this he has also demanded that the Director of Elite Rugby at the RFU simultaneously perform a rendition of Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance in a ‘coherent fashion that is perceptibly akin to the spirit of the original recording’. 

Mallett’s somewhat bizarre requests have reportedly been taken into consideration by the RFU board, though it is still not known what Andrew’s thoughts are and whether he is even a Gaga fan or just considers himself to be a casual listener. 

Mallett is currently the strongest candidate for the job, but the former Italy and Boks coach has made his thoughts on the Director of Elite Rugby role very clear in the past, having referred to it as ‘a load of crusty old bollocks’ in a press statement earlier this week.

Time to start working on that Gaga reflex Rob!

Rob Andrew and Martin Johnson watch as their careers float away.