Most likely the 20th, possibly even 19th century…when a rugby ball was basically an animal’s lower intestine filled with porridge, which then conveniently doubled-up as a post-match haggis.

That’s unless you happened to catch the Hurricanes vs Stormers match yesterday in which Habana chased-down a 40th minute conversion, like a hungry beast released from a cage and eager for his half-time slice of orange.

Habana has come in for a lot of stick here on Big Daddy Rugby…but there’ll be a lot more carrot dangling (and NO, that’s not a euphemism!) if he continues show moments of genius like this…

TATAFU POLOTA-NAU (Photo credit: paddynapper)

NSW front rower Polota-Nau has released his new single “Nightcall” under the stage name of “Kavinsky”.  Rolling Stone magazine has hailed it as a tour de force of new wave electro-pop and our first listen gives it an enthusiastic double thumbs up.  Apparently most of the album was written during the Waratah’s tour of South Africa and in particular this track, Nightcall, was penned after a grueling scrumming session followed by ten laps around the field and a set of crunchies.

The track is available for a listen here:

His bursts of pace show particular disregard for Newton’s 2nd Law of Motion, namely:

The acceleration of a body…is inversely proportional to the mass m of the body.

Or in layman’s terms:

A fat blonde guy should not be able to move much faster than the rate of continental drift.

Despite this, week in and week out, opponents of the Cheetah’s are left scratching their heads as Strauss whizzes past them in a blonde streak of lightning.

Adriaan Strauss sets a new land speed record.

What part of Christchurch are you from, son?

After talking a good game in the office last week, Stormers fans will be pretending they’re “not that into” Super Rugby this week as they return to face their coworkers. It’s a time honored tradition in the Cape. All of a sudden there are lot more important things in life than rugby.

When faced with one of those irritating “kiwi” supporters here are a few lines to help you get through the week at office.

• Oh, did the Stormers lose? Oh… That must be nice for you, seeing as you follow rugby and all that. Yeah… I don’t really get to make time for rugby. Are the Crusaders a good team? Where are they from?
• Is your family from the North Island or the South Island?
• I don’t get to watch games as I spend every weekend volunteering at a soup kitchen for orphans. It’s important to get my priorities in life right.
• What part of Christchurch are you from, son? [then mutter in a soft whisper.... "C@ck!" as your coworker walks away.]. Note: if this coworker is in any way connected to paying your salary you should definitely say “Nothing” if they suddenly spin around and ask you to repeat what you just said.

If you are in a position of authority you don’t need any witty one liners at work this week. Just remember to put an incriminating note in the offending employee’s permanent HR file.

Allister “I’m much stronger now” Coetzee

Other comments heard from behind the scenes:

• What part of Canberra are you from?
• There are no rules!  It’s the Thunderdome baby!
• “We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got, cause it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not, we’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love” (quoting the Bon Jovi albums they used to listen to during Rugby World Cup 2007)
• “But quite frankly Jake your attitude appalls me. It’s not what you’re saying. It’s all this stuff you’re not saying. Insinnuendos” (having just watched Sexy Beast yet again).

I knew they were onto a good thing when they hired Tony Soprano to be their coach.  But even the most optimistic Cheetahs fan wouldn’t have predicted that they’d be destroying office betting pools everywhere by winning in New Zealand and Australia.  They even stand a decent chance of coming back from Australasia with a 75% win record.

They’ve got some electric backs in Raymond Rhule and Sarel Pretorius, the child of promise at flyhalf in Johan Goosen. Adriaan Strauss is in the form of his life at the moment, and any squad that has Heinrich Brussouw in it… say no more.

Things are looking up for the men from Bloemfontein.

Now the last thing they need to fix is those cheerleaders… and after this weekend’s performance there is a rumour doing the rounds on the interwebs that Heidi Klum has put in an application for the Cheetahs cheerleaders.  They’re almost a complete team now.

Naka Drotske discussing tactics over a glass of wine with the Cheetahs “Brains Trust” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• just how little Pierre Spies does in a rugby game, besides doing his impersonation of the movie poster “This is Sparta!”
• just how much I hate Hugh Bladen’s commentary
• that watching the Stormers play is like getting into an Ingmar Bergman existentialist 4 hour movie
• that Joel Stansky’s voice sounds like a camel being put through a woodchipper
• In office pools, always bet on the home team unless the Crusaders or the Lions (ooo too soon?) are involved
• Bryan Habana tends to go entire seasons without being able to catch a rugby ball
• Wynand Olivier’s hair never ceases to amaze me
• One can never overstate just how depressing and uninspiring the Cheetahs cheerleaders are
• Who the hell is doing the Vodacom advertising and what are they smoking?!
• My Nick Mallet man-crush (who else speaks truth to power?).
  

  2012 Super Rugby season (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

   

After viewing this, I can only say…

What the fuck?

In an attempt to restore some musical dignity to South African rugby franchises, the Southern Kings have released their own music video in response.  Most fans prefer the Kings’ track by a large margin.

Southern Kings (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Southern Kings unfortunately decided to switch their logo at their last minute before the 2013 season kicked off.  The more fitting image of a baby seal being clubbed to death was replaced with something resembling 4 Bic pens randomly sprouting towards the sky.

2013 is not going to pretty for this franchise.  You’ve got to feel for them.  Consider how the  South African rugby administration has set them up to fail.

• SARU dicking around for most 2011 and 2012 and not making it clear which teams would be participating (how do you recruit when you don’t know which teams will be in or out?)
• The Lions refusing to loan any players to the Kings, despite the fact that they were offered to all the other South African franchises.
• Only giving the Kings one season to stay afloat in the S15 (who wants to sign for a team that will finish last and be relegated?)
• SARU refusing to relax the foreign quota limit for the Kings in light of the above (it was waived for the Melbourne Rebels by the ARU).  Would have been great to see a few more Kenyans in this squad.

Yip, it’s pretty much a certainty they are going to be on the receiving end of some massive hidings.  Away from home, you’d be brave to bet against them conceding 100 points somewhere along the way.  The really irritating thing here, is that would have been great to see a good side playing out of P.E.

Players to watch this season: Luke Watson and … um… I am pretty sure there are one or two other decent players, aren’t there?

If they had a theme song by Leonard Cohen it would be: ”Never Any Good”.

Prospects for 2013: Nuclear holocaust.

After finding themselves on the wrong end of SARFU backroom dealings, the Lions will not be participating in this year’s Super 15.    This weekend saw them taking on the less fancied Russian national team at Ellis Park as part of a completely rejigged schedule for 2013.   Johan Ackermann  and management have had to scramble to organise “decent” opponents to keep the squad sharp for the promotion-relegation layoffs later this year.

They have cobbled together a tournament of sorts now being referred to as “the Game of Thrones”.

Here are the fixtures and opponents as far as we can tell:

• February 2, 2013:  Lions v Sweet Valley Primary School under 13B rugby team (“C” team not available that weekend)
• February 15, 2013: Lions v Meadowridge Baptist Youth Group (game moved to Friday to accommodate ”lift” arrangements with parents)
• March 8, 2013:  Lions v USA invitational (away game).
• March 15, 2013:  Lions v North America invitational (away game)
• April 13, 2013: Lions v car guards at Shoprite-Checkers (match to be played under “Southern Suburbs rules”)
• April 20, 2013: Lions v Peoples Republic of Korea followed by Lions v Peoples Republic of Hout Bay (a despot double header!)
• April 27, 2013: Lions v Wales.

Shooo… if you’re a season ticket holder best sell them now, before your potential buyers get a look at this fixture list.

Lions (rugby union) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hold me close don’t ever let me go Sonny.

A single malt: for most intimidating semi-final opponents to the Crusaders.  What would a Super Rugby tournament be without a trip to Christchurch for your annual ass-whooping?

A pink Smirnoff: to Hugh Bladen – for once again being the tournaments worst commentator, despite a strong challenge from newcomer Victor Matfield.  Hugh… where did that drink go?  It was here just a second go?

A single malt: The biggest upset?  Most definitely the Rebels tipping over the Crusaders.

A pink Smirnoff: to the ass who designed the Bulls away strip.  You might think you’re very clever sitting in your marketing studio, but you’re not.

A single malt: to Bryan Habana for having a pretty good comeback season despite being bagged non-stop by this website.

A pink Smirnoff: to Bobby Skinstad.  For being Bobby Skinstad.

A single malt: to Nick Mallet – the first Supersport analyst to actually contribute something to the viewing experience since the days of Jake White’s tenure.  Someone please tell Arnold Geerdts to stop using the phrase “it was a game of two halves”.

A pink Smirnoff: to John Mitchell for resurrecting the Rudolf Straeuli man management method.

A single malt: to the Stormers who despite their annual silverware choke pulled off a top of the table league finish despite having a non-existent pack and Brok Harris at flyhalf.

A single malt: to the Western Force for hiring the drummer from Def Leppard to play in their backline.  Nice!

A pink Smirnoff: to the Rebels franchise for continuing the Aussie tradition of naming their teams after George Lucas movie themes.

A single malt: to Dr Jannie du Plessis for managing to pull off the greasy hair look all season long of a roadie at a Metallica concert.  You make it look so easy and classy at the same time good doctor.

A pink Smirnoff: for Pierre Spies for show ponying it up all season long.

A single malt: Best commentator?  Phil “the mighty eagle” Kearnes.

A pink Smirnoff:  to the South African rugby administrators who managed to screw both the Lions and the Kings by acting like typical Saffer politicians.

A single malt: to the Chiefs for having a prop as their leading try scorer.  And for hiring him after completing his role as Odd Job in the Connery Bond movies.

Alistair Coetzee revealed how much work went into this game in the post match interview:

“I’m really proud of the boys today.  I know a lot of people in the media had written us off and said we weren’t capable of a choke again, but I knew all week long we could do it.  The boys put in a lot of work in the training ground making sure that Brok Harris would be first receiver in any situation where we get good quick ruck ball.  It was also drilled into the half backs that they need to kick possession aimlessly away whenever we get forward momentum.  I’m just so proud of those efforts”

The Stormer’s have a long history of choking in the Super Rugby tournament stretching back to the first famous choke against the Highlanders in their home semi-final back in 1999.   Concern mounted this year ahead of the playoffs that since getting rid of players generally concerned pivotal to the choking game, such as Nakalavuki and Naas Olivier (remember those days?) the Stormers might not be able to produce that all important choke when it was needed.  With Peter Grant in superb kicking form and even Bryan Habana looking good this season the odds were piling up against the Stormers.

A  relieved Newlands witnessed the cold fact that their beloved team still has the magic touch in the big games.

Vital to any choking strategy is the need to get Brok Harris good quality second phase ball to put him in the decision maker role in the backline.

There are several reasons why Bulls fans shouldn’t allow themselves to get their hopes up for this weekend’s knockout clash against the Crusaders in Christchurch:

• They are playing the Crusaders.  In Christchurch.
• Dan.  Fuckin’.  Carter.
• They are playing the Crusaders.  In Christchurch.
• Richie.  Fuckin’.  McCaw.
• Zane “The Crazy Train” Kirchner will be wearing a Blue Bulls jersey.
• History, science and the basic laws of physics.
• Bjorn Basson’s evil wizard goatee hasn’t actually given him any supernatural powers at all or even a casting role in the new Harry Potter movie.
• They are playing the Crusaders.  In Christchurch.

It can’t be done fellows.   Listening to Bulls fans talk optimistically is a little like hearing your best friend talk about how he thinks he can patch things up with his recently broken up girlfriend.  The writing is on the wall, and though it pains you  to see a fellow fan in a state of self-delusion, you haven’t the heart to quite give them the brutal bad news.  It’s why you never became a surgeon.   “But this time is different” they protest.   Soon enough, the argument starts to begin sounding like a creationist debating with an evolutionary biologist. Your heart goes out for the desparate clutching for hope, anything that will say things will be ok.

Zane “the Crazy Train” Kirchner. Is he the kakkest player to ever wear the Bulls 15 jersey?

Remember fans – if you aim low… you’ll never be disappointed.

This is assuming the Stormers can avoid choking in front of their home fans by defeating the Rebels, something that Stirling ‘Hurt Locker’ Mortlock will be trying his very best to avoid in his last match before retiring and having himself  cryogenically frozen.

Following the match, Coles is said to have received news that he is to be presented with the ‘Keys to the City’ by the Mayor of Cape Town, though it was later confirmed by the Mayor’s Office that it is in fact the keys to his daughter’s Citi Golf, who recently had her licence suspended for driving through a shopping mall at over 30mph.

In addition to this, the Hurricane player has apparently been gifted an open bar tab at pubs across the city as well as an offer of a home cooked sit-down meal at Stormer’s coach Allister Coetzee’s house.

Coles commented:  “I’m stoked with the news…Citi Golf’s are solid pieces of machinery and I look forward to taking the boys out for a free round next time we’re in Cape Town…though I may pass on the dinner offer!”

Dane Coles waves goodbye to his Ford sponsorship deal following his open praise of the Citi Golf range.

Not this season though.  In Saturday night’s come from behind miracle on ice last minute nail baiter the Bloemfontein boys held their nerve and clung to a desperate against the odds win over the Waratahs.  Willie Le Roux might have a name more suited to a career in the adult entertainment industry, but his ability to cross the try line this weekend meant that Cheetahs fans had something to celebrate on the drive home from the stadium this weekend.  With the win came confirmation that 2012 is the best Super Rugby season the franchise has had in its history.  Best at least in terms of wins and results – after all a few former Cheetahs front rowers will still tell you that 1999 edged this one in terms of ability to pull girls on tour…

Coenie “sex on legs” Oosthuizen set the ladies pulses racing this weekend with another sensual performance in the front row.

So tip of the hat to Cheetah’s coach Tony Soprano Naka Drotske.  The Cheetahs used to be everyone’s second favourite team simply because while they played a romantic idealist’s form of the game, they were never actually going to beat your number one team.   The Cheetahs now inspire genuine hate from anyone in a Lion’s supporters jersey and have strung together a record 5 wins against decent opponents making a trip to Bloemfontein far more nervous than it used to be.

Add to that, prospects for 2013 look even better.  While their season was ignited by uncovering wonderkid/boy genius/future flyhalf maestro/gift to mankind/anti-apartheid activist and former Robben Island struggle veteran Johan Goosen, some of these wins have been pulled off with Goosen still on the injury list.   Rumour has it he is the next Johnnie Wilkinson and not just in the looks department.   Not even the most one-eyed Lions fan could deny that the Cheetahs deserve their spot in the competition next year.

Hell… even their cheerleaders get the most improved badge of the year.

One that stood-out for me personally was seeing old man Stirling Mortlock score his 50th try in Super Rugby in a surprising win for the Rebels over the Crusaders.

It was one of the those moments in sport when it felt like everyone was rooting  for the same guy…willing his tired legs over the line and allowing some of us to feel that 35 is not too old to get the boots out from under the bed and try out for selection in next year’s tournament.

The same match also saw Kurtley Beale getting flattened by a massive hit that temporarily wiped the smirk from under that ridiculous crumb-catcher of his. The guy’s a great player…but let’s face it – that tash makes him look like a someone who’s not allowed within 50 yards of a children’s playground.

Kurtley Beale before and after his stint on ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’

At the other end of the age spectrum from ‘The Mortlocker’ is the cherub-faced boy wonder Pat Lambie…can this kid do no wrong?! He’s like Justin Bieber, but WITH talent!

Yet again he played a pivotal role in his team’s victory, but this time he graciously let some of his team mates get-in on the action – unlike last weekend where he scored all of the Sharks’ 28 points.

Just in case you missed that…here’s one that he finished-off in style with a little help from his friend Hosea Gear.

Those were the days if you were an Aucklander.   Seinfeld was still on tv, Biebermania hadn’t yet swept the nation and you could satisfy yourself that come Saturday whichever hapless baby seals were going to be offered up as opposition to the Blues would be clubbed to death mercilessly in front of a rabid crowd at Auckland Park.  There was even talk of visiting coaches deliberating picking understrength sides to face Auckland simply to avoid injuring key players in a game that was going to be a loss anyway.

Fast forward to 2012.  Pat Lam has already broken the franchise record for most defeats in a season and the season isn’t even half way.   Nine losses in a season?  I suspect my views will be unpopular here, but I have to say, I’ve never digged Pat Lam.  His post-match interview in the 95 World Cup after Samoa got spanked by the Boks was the stuff of complete knobs.

Pat has gone on record complaining about people criticising him on the “interwebs” and “the twitter”.   Sure, it’s over the top Pat.  Is that a surprise?  You’re the coach of a legendary franchise and during your tenure their name is being humiliated.  Didn’t you lose to the Melbourne Rebels?   You deserve to cop a lot of flack if you coach a top team and have a miserable record with them.  Just ask Harry Viljoen.   Don’t take the social media stuff personally.  You should see what they say about Barack Obama on there… dude, you’re not special in copping a bit of abuse.

p.s. Where is all the support from the railway stand at Newlands now for Auckland?

Ouch.   Reds coach, Knuckles, (who for the record is one of the nicest blokes you’ll meet on the Twittersphere) must be wondering how to pick up the pieces up this weekend.  At the half time mark a 16-3 lead looked comfortable enough and you’d expect Ludeke to be giving the Bulls the standard “let’s rest on our laurels boys” talk in the changing room.  But Steyn came out on fire with another 100%’er with the kicking boots and the back line seemed to grow in confidence with every passing minute.  That’s what you have to love about this Bulls side.  They bullies and they are excellent bullies. They sensed weakness and then didn’t just finish them.  They smashed them, humiliated them and dragged the Reds’ carcass all over Loftus for the second half.

Hell apparently with ten minutes to go, the Bulls front row demanded that their Reds counterparts immediately hand over the phone numbers of the Reds’ girlfriends.  Pierre Spies was heard to be dialling the phone numbers of each of the Reds forwards’ girlfriends during those last ten minutes, and after pointing out their score to the Brisbane lasses, recommending that they “hook up” on the Bulls overseas tour.

According to my sources things got really awkward after the final whistle, is all I am saying…