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America delivers a big wedgie to the Springbok reputation

12 May

Ahhh.  Somewhere in the States today, there sat a fellow in a faded green and gold jersey (circa 1995 or 2007?), slowly sipping on his Sierra Nevada, with the sudden realization that the Blitzbokke were about to lose twice in the same weekend to Team USA.    Clutching that beer very tightly, he eyed the exit of the local pub wondering if it would be possible to slip out before anyone noticed his Bok jersey.

First of all a 19-12 “sharp punch to the nose with the clenched fist” in the final round robin game of the London Sevens to announce to the world that nobody can take an Eagles sevens team lightly anymore (editors note: I saw many a post this weekend remarking that the Blitzbokke “need only beat the Eagles” to win their group).  Then the Eagles follow it up on Sunday with a “kneel on your chest and repeatedly slap you in the face whilst delivering a wedgie” 22-5 dismissal in the plate semi-final to deliver the one of the great David and Goliath feel-good victories.

They might have made a hose of Iraq, but they got Twickenham pretty right this weekend.

While other blogs might be writing about the England defeat, the real story is most definitely how the plucky Americanos managed to pull it over the Boks twice in one weekend.  Yes, once is pretty impressive and can happen in the game of Sevens, but twice in a weekend is a bitch slap to your reputation.

America.  Here’s to you and your Bruce Springsteen.

Post final whistle, Bok jerseys were very quickly pulled off before heading to the subway.

Post final whistle, Bok jerseys were very quickly pulled off before heading to the subway.

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Habana charge-down

27 Apr

When was the last time you saw a conversion charged-down?!

Most likely the 20th, possibly even 19th century…when a rugby ball was basically an animal’s lower intestine filled with porridge, which then conveniently doubled-up as a post-match haggis.

That’s unless you happened to catch the Hurricanes vs Stormers match yesterday in which Habana chased-down a 40th minute conversion, like a hungry beast released from a cage and eager for his half-time slice of orange.

Habana has come in for a lot of stick here on Big Daddy Rugby…but there’ll be a lot more carrot dangling (and NO, that’s not a euphemism!) if he continues show moments of genius like this…

 

 

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Waratahs’ hooker Polota-Nau releases his electro-pop EP on Soundcloud

23 Apr
TATAFU POLOTA-NAU

TATAFU POLOTA-NAU (Photo credit: paddynapper)

NSW front rower Polota-Nau has released his new single “Nightcall” under the stage name of “Kavinsky”.  Rolling Stone magazine has hailed it as a tour de force of new wave electro-pop and our first listen gives it an enthusiastic double thumbs up.  Apparently most of the album was written during the Waratah’s tour of South Africa and in particular this track, Nightcall, was penned after a grueling scrumming session followed by ten laps around the field and a set of crunchies.

The track is available for a listen here:

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Cheetah’s hooker defies modern science

14 Apr

Springbok and Cheetah’s hooker Adriaan Strauss continues to defy the laws of physics by consistently running faster than should be possible for a man of his weight and girth.

His bursts of pace show particular disregard for Newton’s 2nd Law of Motion, namely:

The acceleration of a body…is inversely proportional to the mass m of the body.

Or in layman’s terms:

A fat blonde guy should not be able to move much faster than the rate of continental drift.

Despite this, week in and week out, opponents of the Cheetah’s are left scratching their heads as Strauss whizzes past them in a blonde streak of lightning.

Adriaan Strauss sets a new land speed record.

Adriaan Strauss sets a new land speed record.

 

 

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Stormers fans to pretend they’re “not that into rugby” this week

31 Mar
What part of Christchurch are you from, son?

What part of Christchurch are you from, son?

After talking a good game in the office last week, Stormers fans will be pretending they’re “not that into” Super Rugby this week as they return to face their coworkers. It’s a time honored tradition in the Cape. All of a sudden there are lot more important things in life than rugby.

When faced with one of those irritating “kiwi” supporters here are a few lines to help you get through the week at office.

  • Oh, did the Stormers lose? Oh… That must be nice for you, seeing as you follow rugby and all that. Yeah… I don’t really get to make time for rugby. Are the Crusaders a good team? Where are they from?
  • Is your family from the North Island or the South Island?
  • I don’t get to watch games as I spend every weekend volunteering at a soup kitchen for orphans. It’s important to get my priorities in life right.
  • What part of Christchurch are you from, son? [then mutter in a soft whisper.... "C@ck!" as your coworker walks away.]. Note: if this coworker is in any way connected to paying your salary you should definitely say “Nothing” if they suddenly spin around and ask you to repeat what you just said.

If you are in a position of authority you don’t need any witty one liners at work this week. Just remember to put an incriminating note in the offending employee’s permanent HR file.

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Allister Coetzee has a message for Jake White

23 Mar

Seen in the Brumbies changing room after full time at Newlands on Saturday night….  Allister Coetzee confronting his former mentor Jake White:

Allister "I'm much stronger now" Coetzee

Allister “I’m much stronger now” Coetzee

Other comments heard from behind the scenes:

  • What part of Canberra are you from?
  • There are no rules!  It’s the Thunderdome baby!
  • “We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got, cause it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not, we’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love” (quoting the Bon Jovi albums they used to listen to during Rugby World Cup 2007)
  • “But quite frankly Jake your attitude appalls me. It’s not what you’re saying. It’s all this stuff you’re not saying. Insinnuendos” (having just watched Sexy Beast yet again).

What the hell happened to the Cheetahs?

17 Mar

Huh? Two consecutive wins in Australasia on tour.  The Cheetahs?  When did they become a team that wins comfortably on tour?

I knew they were onto a good thing when they hired Tony Soprano to be their coach.  But even the most optimistic Cheetahs fan wouldn’t have predicted that they’d be destroying office betting pools everywhere by winning in New Zealand and Australia.  They even stand a decent chance of coming back from Australasia with a 75% win record.

They’ve got some electric backs in Raymond Rhule and Sarel Pretorius, the child of promise at flyhalf in Johan Goosen. Adriaan Strauss is in the form of his life at the moment, and any squad that has Heinrich Brussouw in it… say no more.

Things are looking up for the men from Bloemfontein.

Now the last thing they need to fix is those cheerleaders… and after this weekend’s performance there is a rumour doing the rounds on the interwebs that Heidi Klum has put in an application for the Cheetahs cheerleaders.  They’re almost a complete team now.

Tony Soprano

Naka Drotske discussing tactics over a glass of wine with the Cheetahs “Brains Trust” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Les Miserables

8 Mar

If you thought the big-screen version of Victor Hugo’s famous novel was the must-see tear jerker event of the year…think again!

A tragedy of a much grander scale is likely to unfold this weekend if Les Bleus fail to beat Ireland in their 6 Nations encounter, leaving them just one step closer to the infamous wooden spoon and the prospect of facing all-out revolution when they return to home soil.

With the singing at this weekend’s match expected to be of only a slightly poorer quality than in the film (with the exception of Russell Crowe…in which case it will be exponentially better), the dramatic tension is likely to be far greater with the French team knowing their necks are literally on the line. Guillotines are being sharpened around Paris at this very moment.

It will take something pretty exceptional for Les ‘Miserables’ Bleus to save themselves from certain death at the hands of an angry French mob – like winning for instance, and if not that, then at the very least trans-mutating into fire-breathing parrots and flying-off into the sunset squawking a version of Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance.

They do like a good show-tune those Frenchies!

On a cheerier note, in their match against Wales this weekend, the Scots will be looking to get their first hat-trick of victories since the dawn of time – or the inception of the 6 Nations tournament to be a bit more precise.

Just goes to show you can’t predict anything when it comes to sport.

I just wish the same could be said for Hollywood.

Welcome home Les Bleus.!

Welcome home Les Bleus.!

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Things I forgot about Super Rugby during the off-season

1 Mar

With Round 2 of the 2013 Super 15 recently behind us, last weekend was when most of us got round to actually watching a game with a pint in hand. During the off-season, I forgot a few things that just one weekend of rugby brought back freshly to my mind. Here is my list:

  • just how little Pierre Spies does in a rugby game, besides doing his impersonation of the movie poster “This is Sparta!”
  • just how much I hate Hugh Bladen’s commentary
  • that watching the Stormers play is like getting into an Ingmar Bergman existentialist 4 hour movie
  • that Joel Stansky’s voice sounds like a camel being put through a woodchipper
  • In office pools, always bet on the home team unless the Crusaders or the Lions (ooo too soon?) are involved
  • Bryan Habana tends to go entire seasons without being able to catch a rugby ball
  • Wynand Olivier’s hair never ceases to amaze me
  • One can never overstate just how depressing and uninspiring the Cheetahs cheerleaders are
  • Who the hell is doing the Vodacom advertising and what are they smoking?!
  • My Nick Mallet man-crush (who else speaks truth to power?).
    2012 Super Rugby season

    2012 Super Rugby season (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

     

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Blue Bulls release musical crime against nature: Stand by Me

18 Feb

In what critics are calling “a crime against nature” the Bulls have released a version of themselves singing “Stand by Me”.  See the video below:

After viewing this, I can only say…

What the fuck?

In an attempt to restore some musical dignity to South African rugby franchises, the Southern Kings have released their own music video in response.  Most fans prefer the Kings’ track by a large margin.

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The beautiful game…

14 Feb

There was once a time (let’s call this period BC for reasons that will become clear later) when rugby players thought long hair was for girls. And possibly ponies, especially girl ponies.

Then this happened…

cabous

Yes…Cabous van der Westhuizen.

Remember him? Big Daddy Rugby does and publicised his current whereabouts here.

Looking like he’d just stepped out of a shower that was in fact a galactic wormhole that led straight to a Led Zeppelin roadie piss-up, Cabous burst onto the SA rugby scene in the early 90’s, making the ‘wet-look’ his trademark.

Before Cabous (otherwise known as BC), rugby players all looked pretty much the same…a bit like cauliflowers really.

Cabous made it okay for players to step out of the John Frieda closet and express themselves in ways other than grunting and eye-gouging. In a similar vein, some players took even greater strides, going on to experiment with two-tone colour highlights and new-wave perm techniques.

Remember Percy Montgomery? That’s him on the left…(or is it the right!?)

Percy Montgomery

In more recent years there’s been an attempt by some players to reclaim the uber-masculine image that rugby once had This can be seen by the number of beards on display in the modern game. Big Daddy highlighted 5 of the best in this post.

However, as with most things in life…the balance must be restored. For this very reason, the RBS 6 Nations is taking a break this weekend. Big sponsors realise that in the age of HD TV players need to look their best.

No one wants to see this kind of shit in HD…

Chris Jack

So the players are getting a much needed rest weekend. Time for that trip to the spa to treat those split-ends, thread-veins and whatever else is required in order to look this bloody good…

Bonjour ladies!

Bonjour ladies!

And finally, for our more high-brow readers out there, here’s one of the many, many portraits that has attempted to capture the pure, innocent beauty of French player Dimitri Szarzewski in all his glory…. Enjoy.

The full colour version of this portrait was banned for causing multiple orgasms to female viewers.

The full colour version of this portrait was banned for causing multiple orgasms to female viewers.

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Revenge is a dish best served cold…and washed down with Guinness

7 Feb

Everybody knows the Irish like nothing more than beating the English, which is exactly what they’ll be hoping to do this Sunday.

It doesn’t matter how, when, at what, or with what….as long as a pasty English backside is at the receiving end of a good old whipping -  Irish eyes will be smiling.

The only thing is…their a bit rubbish at it.

Ireland have only won 46 of the 126 rugby matches played against the poms. Fact.

Though that really isn’t all that bad when you consider the following:

  • England has roughly 2.5 million registered rugby players. Ireland has 150,000 (2011 figures)
  • The least a top-flight English professional player can expect to make in a year is 152,000 Euros. In Ireland its 85,000.
  • Ireland is ranked 4th in the world rankings for most beer consumed per person (104 litres pp per year – 2010)

Okay…I know that last one is not all that relevant, but you’ve got to wonder where they get the time to do anything other than imbibing the black stuff.

But all of this is besides the point.

If the Irish were to beat the English all the time, then the odd victory here and there wouldn’t have quite the same drama, the same David vs Goliath tension.

AND…there just wouldn’t be that same great feeling you get when Daniel-san ‘crane kicks’ the shit out of Johnny at the end of Karate Kid!

Karate Kid

Daniel-san doing that kick.

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S15 preview: Get ready for the Southern Kings screwjob

5 Feb
Southern Kings

Southern Kings (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Southern Kings unfortunately decided to switch their logo at their last minute before the 2013 season kicked off.  The more fitting image of a baby seal being clubbed to death was replaced with something resembling 4 Bic pens randomly sprouting towards the sky.

2013 is not going to pretty for this franchise.  You’ve got to feel for them.  Consider how the  South African rugby administration has set them up to fail.

  • SARU dicking around for most 2011 and 2012 and not making it clear which teams would be participating (how do you recruit when you don’t know which teams will be in or out?)
  • The Lions refusing to loan any players to the Kings, despite the fact that they were offered to all the other South African franchises.
  • Only giving the Kings one season to stay afloat in the S15 (who wants to sign for a team that will finish last and be relegated?)
  • SARU refusing to relax the foreign quota limit for the Kings in light of the above (it was waived for the Melbourne Rebels by the ARU).  Would have been great to see a few more Kenyans in this squad.

Yip, it’s pretty much a certainty they are going to be on the receiving end of some massive hidings.  Away from home, you’d be brave to bet against them conceding 100 points somewhere along the way.  The really irritating thing here, is that would have been great to see a good side playing out of P.E.

Players to watch this season: Luke Watson and … um… I am pretty sure there are one or two other decent players, aren’t there?

If they had a theme song by Leonard Cohen it would be: ”Never Any Good”.

Prospects for 2013: Nuclear holocaust.

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Thierry Dusautoir….the man who was raised by bears

3 Feb

Not many people know this about the former French captain Thierry Dusautoir, but he was raised by bears.

This hasn’t stopped him from becoming one of the greatest flankers the game has ever seen, but it has meant a challenging journey of self-discovery in which he has had to forego his previous life to adopt the confined existence of human society.

In the early stages of his rugby career, Dusautoir refused to wear clothes and instead of releasing after the tackle, he would rip all his opponents limbs off and then proceed to eat their liver. At times washed down with a nice Chianti. His interpretation of a maul was also at times…suspect.

As you can imagine, he spent more time in the sin-bin than on the playing field, but with support from his bear family (in particular his Uncle Joe – see pic below) and the encouragement of his trainer  - he overcame his primal urges to produce some truly great rugby and become IRB Player of the Year in 2011.

Now back from injury, he returns to the team in today’s 6 Nations clash against Italy, in which France will be hoping to avoid a repeat of their shock defeat two years ago – and you can bet Dusautoir will be pawing the ground in anticipation.

Thierry with Uncle Joe, who will be growling from the sidelines.

Thierry with Uncle Joe, who will be growling from the sidelines.

 

 

 

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The battle of the Celts

2 Feb

The 6 Nations tournament kicks-off today with a mouth-watering encounter between two Celtic nations who have really upped their game in recent years.

Since winning the grand slam last year, it’s fair to say Wales have not had a great run….in fact, it’s been more like a chain-smoker struggling to climb a flight of stairs weighed down by having an entire nation’s hopes and dreams on their back.

Ireland have also underwhelmed of late, but they have O’Driscoll back (could it be his last?!) to bolster their hopes of their first title since 2009.

Ireland are a good team so could give the Welsh a run for their money…but they’ll have the hulk that is George North to contend with first.

George North....don't make him angry.

George North….don’t make him angry.

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The Lions 2013: a game of thrones

20 Jan

 

 

After finding themselves on the wrong end of SARFU backroom dealings, the Lions will not be participating in this year’s Super 15.    This weekend saw them taking on the less fancied Russian national team at Ellis Park as part of a completely rejigged schedule for 2013.   Johan Ackermann  and management have had to scramble to organise “decent” opponents to keep the squad sharp for the promotion-relegation layoffs later this year.

They have cobbled together a tournament of sorts now being referred to as “the Game of Thrones”.

 

 

 

Here are the fixtures and opponents as far as we can tell:

 

 

 

  • February 2, 2013:  Lions v Sweet Valley Primary School under 13B rugby team (“C” team not available that weekend)
  • February 15, 2013: Lions v Meadowridge Baptist Youth Group (game moved to Friday to accommodate ”lift” arrangements with parents)
  • March 8, 2013:  Lions v USA invitational (away game).
  • March 15, 2013:  Lions v North America invitational (away game)
  • April 13, 2013: Lions v car guards at Shoprite-Checkers (match to be played under “Southern Suburbs rules”)
  • April 20, 2013: Lions v Peoples Republic of Korea followed by Lions v Peoples Republic of Hout Bay (a despot double header!)
  • April 27, 2013: Lions v Wales.

 

Shooo… if you’re a season ticket holder best sell them now, before your potential buyers get a look at this fixture list.

 

Lions (rugby union)

Lions (rugby union) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

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2013….the rugby year ahead!

18 Jan

Rugby 2013

Having survived the potential threat of a Mayan apocalypse, most people (well me anyway) are now merrily plotting their 2013 rugby-viewing calendar.

As always, there’s much to look forward to and in the spirit of Oscar season, here’s a brief BDR awards preview:

6 Nations – 02 Feb

 Best Actor Nominees:

Owen Farrell – the new(ish) golden-boy of England rugby, his performances and delivery have been deadly this season.

 Best Director nominees:

Rob Howley – the Welsh head coach is putting together an all-star cast, in an epic bid to retain the 6-Nations title.

 If it was a Spielberg film:

The Colour Purple – the Scottish thistle will be in full bloom if they manage to win, well….anything really.

Super rugby – 15 Feb

 Best Actor Nominees:

Schalk ‘the Hulk’ Burger – back from ‘injury’ (or what industry insiders call a cosmetic surgery getaway) to take a lead role in the The Stormers’ campaign.

Best Director nominees:

John Plumtree – he came painfully close to the ultimate prize last year with a stellar performance (remember this?), he has also brought in critically acclaimed assistant director Carlos ‘Twinkle Toes’ Spencer to help with this year’s production.

 If it was a Spielberg film:

Jaws – the Sharks will be hoping the sequel is better than the last one.

British & Irish Lions Tour Australia – 1 June

Best Actor Nominees:

Brain O’Driscoll – the man, the legend, will be hoping his rousing performances can help make amends for missing out in the 2001 awards…and who knows, maybe bag him a lifetime achievement award!?

Best Director nominees:

Robbie Deans – despite a rocky few months at the helm, the Wallaby coach is still Top-Gun…and some might say a bit of a rebel with a cause.

If it was a Spielberg film:

War of the Worlds – well okay, hemispheres…if you want to be picky about it!

4 Nations Rugby championship – 17 Aug

Best Actor Nominees:

Richie McCaw – he may be taking a sabbatical (trying out a new hair-style?), but really…is there any competition here?

Best Director nominees:

Santiago Phelan – the Argentine head-honcho will be hoping to make another impression with his portrayal of gritty realism, having taken the best foreign language accolade in last year’s competition.

If it was a Spielberg film:

The Terminal – there’ll be lots of time spent in these during the course of this competition.

Richie McCaw preparing his acceptance speech.

Richie McCaw preparing his acceptance speech.

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Heyneke shocks nation by not picking entire Bulls squad for Bok tour

29 Oct

Heyneke Meyer dropped a bombshell on the South African public this weekend by not picking the entire Bulls squad for the 30 man touring party to the UK.

When asked about why he made the controversial decision not to pick 30 Blue Bulls to tour, he had the following to say:

“Look, let’s be honest.  With the Bulls finishing 4th out of 6 teams and when you consider that one of the teams that finished above the Bulls doesn’t even qualify to play Super Rugby next year, you must know I was under a lot of pressure to pick all thirty Bulls players to represent South Africa.

I was quite close to picking Gio Aplon and Deon Fourie, I must admit, since they are technically much better than some of the current squad, but then I was talking to my assistant coaches and one of them pointed out that Jano Vermaak once dated one of the sisters of one of the other Bulls players, so how I could leave him out?  Also, Zane and Morne both have copies of those photos that were taken of me the night that Bulls won the Super Rugby title.  You know, where we had the after party… with the thing… and the other thing.  So I pretty much have to pick them.

But still.  I can squeak in a few non-Bulls players.  I mean, I am a Bulls, er, I mean Bok coach, after all.  That’s my right.  At least that’s what the Blue Bulls Rugby Union tells me I can do.”

Shocking.

Heyneke. Making a career out of pissing off Nick Mallett.

Eben Etzebeth footage from Currie Cup Final uncovered

28 Oct

The talk of the town in wine estates, fashion boutiques and French restaurants across the Cape Peninsula today is of Eben Etzebeth’s epic performance in the final against the Sharks.  One of our drinking buddies was lucky enough to be in attendance at the Shark tank and managed to capture this footage of Eben Etzebeth dismantling the Sharks:

Eben Etzebeth ensuring that the advantage line was not crossed by the Sharks in the second half. I think our cameraman was using that Instagram filter thingy.

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Currie Cup Final Matchup: Lambie vs Habana

25 Oct

BDR presents the key stats line up between the two major stars in Saturday’s Currie Cup final:

Bryan Habana

  • Position: Wing
  • Known by his teammates for:  Eating ten strawberry energy bars at his first Stormers camp to “prove his loyalty” to Cape Town.
  • Height: 1.80m
  • Favourite economist: John Maynard Keynes.
  • Weight: 94 kgs (when he sucks his belly in)
  • Favourite movie: Weekend at Bernies 2 (Jason Silverman)
  • Age:  29
  • Go to clutch move: Intercept try.
  • Philosopher he bases his backline play on: Hegel.
  • Career ambition: Shut that n#$b up on the railway stand with the NZ flag who shows up at all of Bryan’s games.
  • Song he listens to in order to get “amped”: Careless Whisper by George Michael.

Pat Lambie:

  • Position: Flyhalf
  • Known by his teammates for:  Refusing to pass to anyone in the squad who hasn’t watched all five seasons of The Wire.
  • Height: 1.77m
  • Favourite economist: Joseph Schumpeter.
  • Weight: 83 kgs
  • Favourite movie: Pistol Whipped (Steven Seagal)
  • Age: 22
  • Go to clutch move: Step and hand off (Schalk Burger, anyone?)
  • Philosopher he bases his backline play on: Aristotle
  • Career ambition:  Would like to be able to grow stubble just like his hero Mark Lawrence.
  • Song he listens to in order to get “amped”: La Isla Bonita by Madonna

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