Dean Greyling: please wee off

Dean Greyling, let me count the ways you hurt me.

  • 4 penalties in less than 20 minutes including one that robbed us of a bonus point
  • knocked the ball on with the try line in site
  • missed tackles
  • thuggish and cowardly flying forearm hit earning yourself a yellow card and the Boks the bad reputation of being sore and dirty losers.

Please.  I never asked for you to be picked for the Boks ever.  I despise your silly facial hair and your attempt to look tough.  You made me explore moral nihilism in my darkest moments today.   You should be locked in a room with only Nick Mallett and a blunt spoon.  You should also never, never play for the Springboks ever again .

Also according to Wikipedia your first name is MacGuyver and you were born in 1986.  So… please wee off.

Joshua Strauss and the Steak Machines – Concert Footage

As part of the Lions’ deal to release Joshua Strauss to play for the Glasgow Warriors some of his rare concert footage has finally been made available to fans of his stripped down electro-folk sound and his ability to clear out a ruck.

Big Daddy Rugby has been lucky enough to get a hold of him doing a solo version of his standout track “Flightless Bird”. Joshua Strauss fans, feast your eyes and ears on this!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYUFcxBq1y4&w=420&h=315]

Due to some difficulties with his record label his Steak Machines debut album is not currently available on iTunes or at most Musicas. But you can get your Joshua Strauss by looping the above video.

Things Heyneke Meyer believes

In light of Heyneke’s decision to defend his game plan against Argentina, we thought it appropriate to highlight some other controversial beliefs held by the current Bok coach.

  • When plan “A” isn’t working, you don’t need a plan “B”.  Do plan “A” again.  But this time try harder.
  • Players don’t need to run into space.  Ideally they should run straight at opposition players and collapse in a heap the moment anyone touches them.
  • The science on evolution isn’t “all in” yet.
  • It is not necessary to secure the ball at a break down.   One should pick players based on bicep measurements rather than ability on the floor.
  • Arcade Fire’s The Suburbs is “kinda overrated”.
  • Climate change is just a hoax.
  • The Boks played well in parts against Argentina.
  • Morne Steyn isn’t out of form.
  • Brussouw isn’t “all that”.
  • Zane “the Crazy Train” Kirchner is a better option at fullback than both Gio Aplon and the Lambo.

Ahhh, Heyneke.  Looks like the honeymoon is over.  Can you feel those screws turning yet?

Footage from training: Bok forward weaknesses exposed

After the Argentinians destroyed the Bok pack on Saturday much has been written about the poor showing of the supposed tough and powerful Springbok forwards.  But this leaked photo of the Bok forwards practising in the days before the Mendoza test may explain just why the Boks were bullied.

Image

Heyneke Meyer bossing the Springboks in training before the Mendoza test.

The beard is mightier than the sword

Hashim Amla’s outstanding performance in the recent SA v Eng Test cricket series got me thinking…is it all down to the beard?!

The association between hair and brute strength is nothing new (take Samson for instance), so would it be too far-fetched to assume that a beard gives an athlete an extra edge?

Let’s apply this scientifically-backed theory to the world of rugby by rating a few of the more distinctive soup-strainers out there:

Josh Strauss (SA)

 

 
Believe it or not: 
Some say he fertilises his facial hair with mixture of coffee grounds and chewed tobacco.

 BDR rating: 8/10 – Good solid growth with excellent shape and body, but we’ve seen better…

 

Adam Kleeburger (Canada)

 


Believe it or not:
Rumour has it that he was raised by a pack of huskies in the Canadian wilds.

BDR rating: 7/10 – Great coverage with some interesting hues, also a vast improvement over his previous ‘boy-band’ look.

 

Sebastien Chabal (Fra)

 


Believe it or not:
Apparently he can make a woman pregnant just by looking at her.

BDR rating: 9/10 – A solid contender and ranked highly based on its animal magnetism alone.

 

 Jason Eaton (NZ)

 


Believe it or not:
An Auckland newspaper once reported that an albatross nested in his face-rug for a whole week before he even noticed and had to call-out the RSPCA.

BDR rating: 9/10 – Just look at it for Christ’s sake! It’s practically a fully functioning eco-system.

Nightlife report: Argentinians on tour

Whenever a touring rugby team is in town there is some banter amongst the more predatory groupie females about the challenge of pulling in a visiting rugby player and consigning it to a special notch above the bedpost.

Connected as we are to the pulse of Cape Town, we know that some groupies ran into the Argentinian rugby team at that stellar institute of Plumstead nightlife Pirates.   While some of those female fans began the evening with high hopes for conquering their Latin fantasies, the feedback on how it went can probably best be described by these two pictures:

Latin fantasy:

A typical Argentinian rugby player as seen through the eyes of a female fan with tequila haze at Pirates.

Latin reality:

So very, very sober.

The not so little star of Bethlehem

The colussus that is Bismarck du Plessis will earn his 100th Super Rugby cap when he takes to the field in tomorrow’s  Super 15 Final.

Bismarck has always been a humble, family orientated type of guy (having grown up on a farm in the South African hinterland) who has always maintained his surprise at being considered one of the best hookers the game has ever seen.

Despite this, I would argue that his destiny has always been written in the stars for the following reasons:

  • He was born in Bethlehem…the one in the Orange Free State, but still…that’s got to count for something right?!
  • He has the same name as a kick-ass German battleship and weighs 113kg – he wasn’t exactly going to take-up improvised dance with those kinda credentials
  • He was born on 22/05/84 – add those up and you get 111…..Hello!! 3 wise men…see where I’m going with this?! Coincidence…I think not?
  • His favourite film is ‘Legends of the Fall’. It was a crap film, BUT it contains the word ‘Legend’…spooky
  • He’s the top Springbok try-scorer as a hooker, 6 in total – deal with that little info-nugget Sean Fitzpatrick! Oh wait, Fitzpatrick scored 12?! Well not for the Boks he didn’t!

Bismarck du Plessis…has been known to reinact the Batlle of Blood River in his spare time.

 

 

Nobody can eat 50 eggs….or can they?!

When a character in the classic film ‘Cool Hand Luke’ says to Paul Newman “Nobody can eat 50 eggs,”…he’d clearly never been round to SA cricket captain Graeme Smith’s house for breakfast.

To describe Smith as ‘gravitationally challenged’ would be fair, not to mention alot nicer than calling him ‘big fatty fat cake-eater boy’.

I don’t mean to poke fun at him (not that he’d feel it anyway!) and his cake-eating affliction,  and realise it must be extra tough now that Kallis has shed the weight of a small child and has great-looking new hair to boot.

I really just wanted an opportunity to crowbar the ’50 eggs’ quote into a blog post and just couldn’t  find a rugby player (or any other professional sportsman*) as fat as big fatty dough-boy Smith.

Sorry Graeme…I just can’t help myself sometimes and don’t know when to stop.

A bit like you really.

*including Sumo and Mexican wrestlers

Graeme Smith. Just happy to have his picture featured somewhere other than the WeightWatchers newsletter.

The many faces of John Plumtree

John Plumtree on a ‘good day’

Sharks head honcho John Plumtree looks harmless enough. He looks like the kind of guy you’d be happy to let your wife have a golf lesson with. The kind of guy you’d feel comfortable buying home insurance from. The kind of guy who just happens to have a surname that sounds like a new brand of air-freshener.

However, as we all know you can’t always judge a book by its cover (with the exception of ‘Lawrence Dallaglio – An Illustrated History’ which frankly WAS as shit as it looked!) and sources within the Shark-tank ‘circle of trust’ have recently revealed another, darker, General Kurtz-like side to the man.

Here’s part of a ‘conversation’ that was recently leaked to the Big Daddy team. It allegedly took place while the team was out celebrating their ‘game of two-halves’ victory over the Cheetahs, and immediately followed an amusing anecdote shared with the players:

Willem Alberts: You’re really funny. You’re really funny!

Plumtree: What do you mean I’m funny?

Willem Alberts: It’s funny, you know. It’s a good story, it’s funny, you’re a funny guy!

Plumtree: [dangerously] What do you mean? You mean the way I talk? What?

[Everyone becomes quiet]

Willem Alberts: It’s just, you know, you’re just funny. It’s funny, the way you tell the story and everything.

Plumtree: Funny how? I mean, what’s funny about it?

Jannie Du Plessis: Plumtree, no, you got it all wrong —

Plumtree: Oh, no, Du Plessis. He’s a big boy, he knows what he said. [to Willem Alberts] What did ya say? Funny how?

Willem Alberts: Just —

Plumtree: What?

Willem Alberts: Just, ya know, you’re funny.

Plumtree: You mean, let me understand this, ’cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little fucked up maybe, but I’m funny how? I mean funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?

Willem Alberts: Just… you know, how you tell the story, y’know — what?

Plumtree: No, no, I don’t know. You said it! How do I know? You said I’m funny. How the fuck am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about me?! Tell me, tell me what’s funny!

[Long pause]

Willem Alberts: Get the fuck out of here, Plumtree!

[Everyone laughs]

Plumtree: Ya motherfucker! I almost had him, I almost had him! You stuttering prick, you! Lambie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Alberts.

John Plumtree on a ‘bad day’

Player profile pic of the week: Schalk ‘the hulk’ Burger

Image

 

Has anyone else wondered where Schalk’s been hiding away this season?

I just assumed he was taking time out to wrestle livestock on his family’s wine estate? Or perhaps he had decided to ‘find himself’ by going feral for a few months – living in a cave, hunting by day and howling at the moon by night?

Well if the above profile pic on the Stormers’ website is anything to go by, it seems he’s actually been living the life of a social delinquent by frequenting the local bar and club scene, downing Jagerbombs and getting into bare-knuckle fistfights with anyone less hairy than himself.

Or he might just be injured.

50 Shades of Peter de Villiers

If you are the kind of reader who has his or her finger on the pulse of their generation, you may be aware that the latest rage about town is a book popularising BDSM and erotic fiction.  I’m not referring to Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James of course, but to Peter de Villiers’ authorised biography: Politically Incorrect.

Is your wife suddenly more secretive about her library collection?

Dubbed “mommy porn” by knowledgeable websites this work is the talk of happening book clubs and hip married women across the country relieved that BDSM, bondage and other forms of erotica are finally mainstream and can be spoken about in public.

Full confession here, I’ve not actually read Peter de Villiers autobiography (the NG Kerk banned it in my town), but I am told by reliable sources that it contains the following saucy chapters:

  • The End of Innocence – on tour with Bakkies Botha
  • The love that dare not speak its name – on selecting Zane Kirchner for the British and Irish Lions tour
  • Four more years of cruelty – life under John “Colonel Gadaffi” Smit (NSFW)
  • Softly, gently, tenderly – Pierre Spies’ approach to the ruck and maul

For those seeking further clarity on whether or not Politically Incorrect is a good read, it received the following glowing endorsement from Oregan Hoskins, de Villiers’ boss at SARFU during his tenure as Bok coach:

“I can confirm that Peter de Villiers was employed by the South African Rugby Football Union during the periods 2008 to 2011.  During that time he was in compliance with our absenteeism requirements and we can confirm that he was not found guilty of any category 3 offences by our Human Resources department.”

Steve Walsh: uncensored, unhinged, unleashed

Ever since Mark Lawrence and his three day stubble retired from refereeing test rugby, Steve Walsh has had his eye on rugby’s sexiest metrosexual title.  While we applaud his use of noveau-wave hair style, we were a bit concerned about some of the comments that were picked up on the on-the-field microphone and whether or not these will affect his public persona:

On 33 mins: (to De Villiers whilst showing him his tattoo) – “Can you speak Mandirin, Jean?  No?   Then shut the f^$k up!”

On 51 mins: (to Hartley) – “Who produced The Flaming Lips second album?  No, nothing?…    … Yellow card.”

On 68 mins: (at the breakdown) – “England… leave it!  I want to see if Spies will actually do anything if he is given the ball. Leave it!”

On 71 mins: (to Spies) – ‘Take that f$%king headband off your head son.  You’re not fooling anyone.  What are you pretending to be?  Someone hard?  We all know you haven’t been through a “thing”.  You’ve just been standing two paces off the ruck pretending to look involved.”

All Blacks, Sprinboks and Scotland (…yes Scotland!) all going for clean sweeps

All three teams will be hoping to end their June international tests on a high by inflicting another defeat on their respective opponents this weekend.

Scotland have been the real surprise package, having won all their matches on tour so far and with only the Samoans left to potentially spoil the party.

The All Blacks will be hoping to avoid another close-call against the plucky Irish, and the Springboks will be relishing the opportunity to send the English home with their tales between their legs.

Bring it on… is all I got to say.

“Place face here”….Manu Tuilagi demonstrates his favourite new party trick.

‘New look’ England to take on Barbarians

There’s a good chance you won’t recognise the England team taking to the field in today’s match with the Barbarians in Kimberley.

None of the players involved in Saturday’s loss to the Bokke will be in action, with head coach Stuart Lancaster allowing some ‘fresh-blood’ to show the first-team what their made of.

Lancaster said:

“I think this new batch of players are braced for the impact of today’s match. We have conducted many tests in training to ensure that the players can cope with the full demands and stresses of international rugby.

It’s a whole new scientific approach to the game, these guys are ready to take all the crash-tackles the Barbarians can throw at them!”

The new look England team ‘braced for the impact’.

Jonny who…?!?

England may have been out-gunned by the Bok pack yesterday, but they certainly have a few positives to take away from what was a bruising encounter.

All I can say is, this youngster certainly looks the part and I reckon Owen Farrell is a name you’re gonna here a lot more of in the future…

He may look like he’s just started puberty, but Owen Farrell is more than ready to play with the big boys.

It’s in the centre, Mr Venter…

There’s some mouth-watering international rugby on the cards this weekend with 3 big North vs South clashes…and if I’m gonna take this Civil War analogy to the next level (which I am) I reckon the exciting match-ups are going to be in the rear guard cavalry department – in other words in the centre Mr Venter (to nick the catch-phrase from an old SA tv ad from yesteryear)!

Here are the head-to-heads I’m looking forward to the most:

Game: Ireland v NZ

Match-up: Brian O’Driscoll v Sonny-Bill Williams

Who’s gonna come up trumps?

The old war-horse back to captain the side from his R&R in the stables versus the young ‘everbody likes to say his name’ filly who’s normally used as an impact player. It’s a tough one to call but I’m gonna go with experience over physical perfection on this one – as I reckon the old dog still has a few tricks up his sleeve!

Brian O'Driscoll

“Worried…who’s worried?!”

Game: Wales v Australia

Match-up: Sam Warburton v David Pocock

Who’s gonna come up trumps?

Who doesn’t like a good old battle of the generals (remember Robert E. Lee vs Ulysses S. Grant?!), especially between two teams with the recent history that these two have. I’m gonna go with Pocock on this, somewhat based on form but mostly because I don’t want to seem biased towards the Northern Hemisphere.

The Wallaby captain takes his defence seriously…maybe a bit too seriously.

Game: South Africa v England

Match-up: Jean De Villiers v Manu Tuilagi

Who’s gonna come up trumps?

The Springbok captain will want to do the new coach proud, so he’ll be adding a few extra highlights to his hair and more importantly he’ll be all over Tuilagi like stink on sh*t. Assuming Tuilagi doesn’t jump ship and get sent-off for silly tackles, he may give the Springbok backs a run for their money – but I still reckon De Villiers will nail him.

De Villiers gratefully accepts another hospital pass from Steyn.

Jean de Villiers’ captain speech leaked to the press

Big Daddy Rugby managed to get a copy of the speech that Jean de Villiers gave the new Bok squad in his first training session as Bok captain.  In the spirit of journalistic integrity, we reproduce it here, unedited, in its entirety:

“Well, boys it’s the first time that we’re all together since Colonel Gadaffi was ousted from power.  Some of you may have known him better by his street name, John Smit.  As your new Bok captain, Heyneke has asked me to impart some words of wisdom to the squad.  I’d like to start by telling all the Bulls players here (and there are a lot of you) that the most important thing I have learned in my years playing in the Cape is that it is poor form to put ice cubes in your wine, especially if it is a wooded chardonnay – it really messes with the tannins.  All right, enough with the life lessons.

Now that I am skipper, things are going to change around here.  I run a pretty tight ship.  First of all, no one, I repeat, NO ONE who has played less than 10 caps is allowed to give me direct eye contact.  You earn that right.  Until you have played New Zealand in New Zealand you don’t smile or wink at me in the corridors.

Secondly, I want the whole squad, including management to refer to me as “Proposition Jean” or “Prop J”.  If you call me Jean I will ignore you.  That includes if I am put away in space and you are on my outside with only one man to beat.  I also refuse to pass to anyone who doesn’t appreciate Springsteen’s Nebraska album.   Gadaffi may have been comfortable with you experimenting with that Marron 5 stuff but that ends now.

Stay humble, remember to practice ritual purity.  As Carel Du Plessis used to say, “guilty feet have got no rhythm”.

And lastly, before we go out there, remember: Nothing lasts forever… even cold November rain.”

Scotland wins first match in Australia since the release of Thriller

In a game that closely resembled the latter half of the film Titanic, in other words in which the ‘wet look’ tended to predominate, the brave Scots eked a narrow victory over the Wallabies on their home turf for the first time since 1982.

Yes…1982, that’s the same year that Thriller hit the airwaves. The same year that a loveable film about a young boy’s somewhat inappropriate relationship with an extra terrestrial resembling a dog-turd caused grown-men to cry the world over!

The feat is all the more impressive when you consider that Australia is currently ranked the 2nd best team in the world, and that the Scots lost everything but the shirts on their backs during the 6 Nations earlier this year.

 Good on you Scotland! Here’s to a few more upsets in the upcoming weeks…

Michael Jackson

30 years on and it’s still a doozie…

Don’t panic just yet: Zane is only in the squad not the starting line up

Okay, new coaches get to pick players with whom they are comfortable.  I get that.  But come on… Zane Kirchner?   When PdV picked Sideshow Bob Kirchner for the British Lions series in 2009 I was willing to put it down to the mad ramblings of an insane man – after all it was a dead rubber.

  • No Heinrich “God’s gift to rugby” Brussouw?
  • Wynand Olivier and JJ Engelbrecht (WTF is all I will say to this)
  • No Gio Aplon
  • Jano Vermaak

If we end up coughing up this series to the English there are going to be some seriously pissed off Stormers and Sharks fans in this country.  He could make this all okay by admitting he did it just to upset the Cape Town media cartel and that he will actually be picking Lambo at full back and that JJ Engelbrecht is nothing more than an alternative spelling for Heinrich Brussouw.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCCyvAwbbso?rel=0&w=560&h=315]

Heyneke.  I wanted you to be Bok coach, but not like this…

Cheetahs best season ever: the heartbreak kids come good

If this were any normal Super Rugby season when the Cheetahs go down by 14 points in the first half, you expect them to fight back only to cough it up in the last two minutes. Your pick of Coenie “sex on legs” Oosthuizen swan diving onto a ruck to give a penalty away in front of the posts or Hennie “I left my common sense with my fashion sense” Daniller with  a wild speculative pass inside his own in goal area to allow the visiting team to break Free State hearts once more.  Ear-splitting screams of “Vry-staaaat!” notwithstanding.

Not this season though.  In Saturday night’s come from behind miracle on ice last minute nail baiter the Bloemfontein boys held their nerve and clung to a desperate against the odds win over the Waratahs.  Willie Le Roux might have a name more suited to a career in the adult entertainment industry, but his ability to cross the try line this weekend meant that Cheetahs fans had something to celebrate on the drive home from the stadium this weekend.  With the win came confirmation that 2012 is the best Super Rugby season the franchise has had in its history.  Best at least in terms of wins and results – after all a few former Cheetahs front rowers will still tell you that 1999 edged this one in terms of ability to pull girls on tour…

Coenie “sex on legs” Oosthuizen set the ladies pulses racing this weekend with another sensual performance in the front row.

So tip of the hat to Cheetah’s coach Tony Soprano Naka Drotske.  The Cheetahs used to be everyone’s second favourite team simply because while they played a romantic idealist’s form of the game, they were never actually going to beat your number one team.   The Cheetahs now inspire genuine hate from anyone in a Lion’s supporters jersey and have strung together a record 5 wins against decent opponents making a trip to Bloemfontein far more nervous than it used to be.

Add to that, prospects for 2013 look even better.  While their season was ignited by uncovering wonderkid/boy genius/future flyhalf maestro/gift to mankind/anti-apartheid activist and former Robben Island struggle veteran Johan Goosen, some of these wins have been pulled off with Goosen still on the injury list.   Rumour has it he is the next Johnnie Wilkinson and not just in the looks department.   Not even the most one-eyed Lions fan could deny that the Cheetahs deserve their spot in the competition next year.

Hell… even their cheerleaders get the most improved badge of the year.

Standing up for freedom of speech

Try as I might, I couldn’t connect this painting to a story about the Lions being unable to stay up in the Super 15 competition.

Yip, this story has nothing to do with rugby.  I had a half baked attempt to write something about the Lions here… but I’ll just play it straight today.

So the ANC is legally bullying an art gallery and South African artist to  take down an unflattering portrait of president Zuma.   Apparently mocking Zuma is a violation of his human rights.

I don’t know Brett Murray from a bar of soap and I really have no opinion as to whether the “Hail to the Thief/Spear of the Nation” portrait depicted here is good art or bad art.  But I will say this.  I have huge respect and admiration for anyone who gets under the skin of the powerful.  And I have even bigger respect and admiration for someone who refuses to back down when the ruling government party starts blustering and threatening legal action.

So – to the knobs in government who don’t understand what free speech means…

Free speech isn’t about the easy stuff.  It’s easy to protect free speech when it stands up for something you believe in.  Protecting free speech is about the stuff that makes you uncomfortable, about the stuff you think is a bad idea, about the stuff that exposes what a hypocrite and a liar you may or may not be.

If you don’t like being made fun of, don’t run for public office.  If you don’t want people to mock you, don’t choose a life that puts you squarely in the public eye.  Your career has been built on the applause and adulation of the public.   You can’t have the praise without the blame.    If you’re upset about all the people who unjustly criticise you, you might also want to think about the people who unjustly praised you.

So here’s to freedom of speech and to here’s to all the artists, cartoonists, journalists and writers who annoy the powerful.

Also – anyone who makes an oblique Radiohead reference in a public art gallery is alright in my book.

Dr Jannie responds to our angry fan mail

[Editors note: We received the following feedback from a concerned bulls fan about our article on the new Bulls pink jersey.  Given the gravity of the accusations, we have requested resident medical expert Dr Jannie to respond our behalf]

“Wow, Big daddy, you sir / ma’m / Moron are obviously gay and only reached std 4 coz you cribbed off of Malema’s paper.

Seriously, You and this little band of “after church service litle gathering by the creek” people need help. non of you barring the one or two bulls supporters on here know EF_ALL about rugby. You go on about a “fashion statements” and bloody info commercials but you seem to have forgotten that the sport being played is RUGBY, not the runway walk, RUGBY. No matter what colour a team wears they al still play rugby and the last time I checked the Bulls have the most respected record in SA over the last few decades. You should rather voice your anal-retentive thought s on places like the View where someone might listen to your crap. You sir / ma’am / moron, are a tur dingbat ad deserve to be punched in the face repeatedly with your own fist.”

Concerned Bulls follower.

Dear Concerned Bulls follower

I have taken time out of my busy schedule working on the first great novel of the 21st century to respond to these  rather serious accusations levelled at the Big Daddy Rugby writing team.

You do realise that is actually is NOT an insult to call someone from Cape Town gay, right?   I often play up that card as it is very popular with the Cape Townian ladies (see picture above).

If you do an accurate fact-check on local rugby team records, you’ll discover that the Bulls as impressive as they were in the last few seasons were not in fact the dominant domestic team in terms of winning records.  Ever since they signed that freak from Boland Agricultural as their tighthead and found a way to skirt the age eligibility rules the Sweet Valley Primary School under 10 team has been dominating local teams, season in, season out, with a record that trumps any other domestic team.

Last point, it if it is wrong to look good while winning, then I don’t want to be right.  Just ask Brok Harris.

England name squad for South African tour de farce

England have named their 42-man squad for their tour to South Africa next month.

Stuart Lancaster, who was offered the head honcho role back in March, has stuck with a similar squad to the one that ended the 6 Nations on high by beating Ireland 30 – 9 and finishing in a respectable 2nd place.

The selectors have also chosen to bring back hell raising scrum-half Danny ‘Day’ Care, after his stint on the naughty step for repeated alcohol related benders (see previous BDR post).

Care commented:

“I’m really looking forward to being a part of this tour. I’ve heard the beaches and wine in South Africa are up there with the best! But this is no holiday, well…it’s kind of a holiday…I mean sure, we’re out there to play rugby, but you still got have time to unwind and let your hair down. When in Rome and all that!”

Stuart Lancaster…will want to keep a tight grip on his balls during the tour to SA.

Matfield to return for Boks?

Matfield perfects his "Ice Blue" look for the new GQ Fall season.

Ahhh f$%k no.   Tell me it isn’t true.  The rumour mill is swarming this week with tales of Victor Matfield turning down his job as resident sex icon on the Supersport commentary team (a title long held by Hugh Bladen) to join Heyneke Meyer’s June Bok squad.

I like Heyneke, I want to like Heyneke more.   I love a man that crushed an Aussie side at Loftus and left them in tatters for about four seasons afterwards.  That’s a man I want coaching the Boks.  But not like this.   Not at this price.

We’ve done four years of this “loyalty to the old gaurd” horsesh%t with PdV.  Let’s not replace the Bismarck-Smit saga with a Bekker-Matfield saga and a Hougaard-Du Preez one.

A wise rugby scholar once told me, if you ever see a Bok coach pick Zane Kirchner for a test match, you know the Boks will be screwed for the next two seasons.  This has a ring of familiarity.

Please Heyneke… I know you’re one of our most loyal readers… Let’s not have the usual geriatric squad come June.

Here’s hoping the return of Matfield is limited to a role as a line out consultant and hair stylist for a squad of young deserving players.

Peter de Villiers ‘Will work for food!’

I’ll be the first to admit that Big Daddy Rugby is occasionally guilty of  using a pinch of artistic licence  to help spice-up the odd post or two. Why wouldn’t we…the rugby world needs a bit of help in loosening its jockstrap every so often.

There are exceptions of course! Anything involving Gavin Henson, Peter de Villiers and the entire England rugby squad for instance. When it comes to these particular cats, the sh*t just writes itself.

Take for example our friend and former Springbok coach Peter de Villiers. He’s obviously been smoking a bit more crack than usual, apparent by his recent comments to the press. With even less capacity to ‘forgive and forget’ than Tony Soprano, he’s still ranting on about Bryce Lawrence’s performance in the match that dare not speak its name.

The ex-Springbok coach 'hard at work' in better times.

He’s clearly been putting his time out-of-work to good use by crunching the figures in a special Excel spreadsheet, having recently claimed:

“Bryce Lawrence makes, on average, six mistakes a game, which is a good average for a referee. In that game he made 48 mistakes, six of which were match-costing.”

I’d just love to see a Gantt chart representation of that, wouldn’t you?! So there you have it ladies and gentlemen of the jury, as clear evidence of match-fixing as you would want. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not trying to defend Lawrence! Oh no…that would be like trying to defend Hitler for espousing an over-enthusiastic birth control policy. But PdV trying to blame the Aussie ref for the demise of his subsequent coaching career and backing that up with a weird ‘Da Vinci code type theory’ is just plain foolish.

Soprano…I mean, de Villiers, went on to say:

“So, Bryce mumbled an apology to the world. This means nothing! Did he really apologise for exactly what he did? He needs to tell South Africa exactly what it is that he is apologising for. For match-fixing? For inefficiency? For what?? How am I supposed to forgive him if I don’t know exactly what for?”

Well said sir! If South Africa as a nation has learnt anything from the Truth & Reconciliation hearings, it was that you can’t forgive and ‘move on’ until you know what exactly it is you’re forgiving someone for. If I poked you in the eye for no apparent reason, you’re not going to be content with a ‘sorry mate’. Lawrence needs to be hauled in front of Archbishop Tutu so that he can confess his sins; so that Saffa rugby fans can forget the past; so that our buddy Peter can finally bury the hatchet. Deep in Bryce Lawrence’s back.

You gotta feel for PdV though. The poor guy’s obviously going through a bit of a low patch. I certainly struggled to keep a stiff upper lip when he opened-up all ‘Oprah-like’ by saying:

“I feel a bit useless at the moment. Sitting back home and nobody shows interest in trying to draw from experience that I do have.” 

Bless his little rugby socks. To be honest though Pete (and we know he appreciates honesty), I wouldn’t hold my breath for the phone to ring off the hook with top-notch coaching offers. Having said that, I do hear they’re looking to hire a Chico the Clown mascot down at the local Spur steak ranch. So it’s not looking all bad!

If only he'd just read the coaching manual it could've all been so different.