Andries Strauss has been injecting a little Rick Grimes into his half time pep talks with the Southern Kings. This is not a democracy!
After talking a good game in the office last week, Stormers fans will be pretending they’re “not that into” Super Rugby this week as they return to face their coworkers. It’s a time honored tradition in the Cape. All of a sudden there are lot more important things in life than rugby.
When faced with one of those irritating “kiwi” supporters here are a few lines to help you get through the week at office.
- Oh, did the Stormers lose? Oh… That must be nice for you, seeing as you follow rugby and all that. Yeah… I don’t really get to make time for rugby. Are the Crusaders a good team? Where are they from?
- Is your family from the North Island or the South Island?
- I don’t get to watch games as I spend every weekend volunteering at a soup kitchen for orphans. It’s important to get my priorities in life right.
- What part of Christchurch are you from, son? [then mutter in a soft whisper…. “C@ck!” as your coworker walks away.]. Note: if this coworker is in any way connected to paying your salary you should definitely say “Nothing” if they suddenly spin around and ask you to repeat what you just said.
If you are in a position of authority you don’t need any witty one liners at work this week. Just remember to put an incriminating note in the offending employee’s permanent HR file.
Remember Robbie Fleck?!
Well neither did I…until I caught a glimpse of him high-fiving Stormers’ coach Alistair Coetzee during their win over the Brumbies this weekend.
From memory Fleck was a fairly decent, if not exciting, centre for the Boks back when grunge music was still popular. His slightly cocky rich-kid demeanour always made me think he’d look more at home in an episode of Beverley Hills 90210, rather than chasing a ball around a rugby field with a bunch of plebs.
See what I mean…
You can imagine my surprise to find that Robbie has not gone on to be the MD of a trendy new media start-up company, and is in fact the assistant back-line coach for the Stormers. This is probably popular knowledge among most Super Rugby aficionados, but it came as a shock to me. I had higher hopes for young Robbie.
I can only assume it’s been a bit of a shock for him too, cos he’s gone completely grey. When did that happen?! Not that it’s a bad thing, I mean look at Richard Gere and that fellow Gandalf. They’ve done pretty well for themselves!
Good for you Flecky…no need to hide your true colours.
You may want to try a touch of sunblock from time to time though…
Seen in the Brumbies changing room after full time at Newlands on Saturday night…. Allister Coetzee confronting his former mentor Jake White:
Other comments heard from behind the scenes:
- What part of Canberra are you from?
- There are no rules! It’s the Thunderdome baby!
- “We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got, cause it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not, we’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love” (quoting the Bon Jovi albums they used to listen to during Rugby World Cup 2007)
- “But quite frankly Jake your attitude appalls me. It’s not what you’re saying. It’s all this stuff you’re not saying. Insinnuendos” (having just watched Sexy Beast yet again).
21 March 2013
I seem to be appearing in the press quite a bit recently. Normally I quite like that. Wait, who am I kidding…I friggin love it! But this time it’s my reffing and not my sexuality that’s being questioned, and I just won’t stand for that shit.
I’m probably the best flippin ref in the world today. At the very least it’s a tie with that Saffa with the weird name, but he’ll probably be tried for attempted murder or robbery by the end of the year leaving me top dog again.
It’s bloody ridiculous thinking I favoured the red team on Saturday. I don’t even know who they were. I didn’t penalise the guys in white any more than necessary. Except the scrum-half Ben Youngs. His hair was just plain silly – he’s lucky I didn’t send him straight to the bin. I can’t stand people who don’t take care of themselves, it’s just bloody selfish if you ask me.
So it looks like I’m gonna have to defend myself against the IRB, whoever the hell they are! Maybe there’ll be some good looking girls on the panel.
That would be nice.
Huh? Two consecutive wins in Australasia on tour. The Cheetahs? When did they become a team that wins comfortably on tour?
I knew they were onto a good thing when they hired Tony Soprano to be their coach. But even the most optimistic Cheetahs fan wouldn’t have predicted that they’d be destroying office betting pools everywhere by winning in New Zealand and Australia. They even stand a decent chance of coming back from Australasia with a 75% win record.
They’ve got some electric backs in Raymond Rhule and Sarel Pretorius, the child of promise at flyhalf in Johan Goosen. Adriaan Strauss is in the form of his life at the moment, and any squad that has Heinrich Brussouw in it… say no more.
Things are looking up for the men from Bloemfontein.
Now the last thing they need to fix is those cheerleaders… and after this weekend’s performance there is a rumour doing the rounds on the interwebs that Heidi Klum has put in an application for the Cheetahs cheerleaders. They’re almost a complete team now.
Ever wondered why Springbok and Stormers No.8 Duane Vermeulen always has that perplexed look on his face?
It’s because he can’t figure out why people keep asking him where his hammer is and why he let Iron Man kick his ass in the Avengers movie…
In what critics are calling “a crime against nature” the Bulls have released a version of themselves singing “Stand by Me”. See the video below:
After viewing this, I can only say…
What the fuck?
In an attempt to restore some musical dignity to South African rugby franchises, the Southern Kings have released their own music video in response. Most fans prefer the Kings’ track by a large margin.
You may know Brok Harris as the prop for the Stormers, the front rower reluctant to join rucks and mauls, preferring instead the limelight of the flyhalf channel, but you may not be aware that post-season he moonlights as indie folk rocker.
Our sources in the Stormers locker room tipped us off that Brok has been releasing a few indie folk singles on YouTube under the moniker “Bon Iver”. The editorial team at Big Daddy Rugby just had to take a sneak peek and we have to stay we’re impressed!
With talent like this, no wonder Brok refuses to get involved at ruck time. He could injure those magnificent musical hands of his.
Take a listen for yourself to what Brok has been up to:
Not many people know this about the former French captain Thierry Dusautoir, but he was raised by bears.
This hasn’t stopped him from becoming one of the greatest flankers the game has ever seen, but it has meant a challenging journey of self-discovery in which he has had to forego his previous life to adopt the confined existence of human society.
In the early stages of his rugby career, Dusautoir refused to wear clothes and instead of releasing after the tackle, he would rip all his opponents limbs off and then proceed to eat their liver. At times washed down with a nice Chianti. His interpretation of a maul was also at times…suspect.
As you can imagine, he spent more time in the sin-bin than on the playing field, but with support from his bear family (in particular his Uncle Joe – see pic below) and the encouragement of his trainer – he overcame his primal urges to produce some truly great rugby and become IRB Player of the Year in 2011.
Now back from injury, he returns to the team in today’s 6 Nations clash against Italy, in which France will be hoping to avoid a repeat of their shock defeat two years ago – and you can bet Dusautoir will be pawing the ground in anticipation.
The Springbok season is over and it is time to pull out the scorecard.
Duane Vermeulen, who is rapidly approaching “players who may not be criticized on this blog” status.
Jannie “Eagles Roadie” Du Plessis.
Player who looked best in shorts:
Andries Strauss (pulling off the naughty standard 6 schoolboy look)
Player who looked worst in shorts:
Flip Van der Merwe.
The annual “Hansie Cronje” award for embarrassing your country:
Dean MacGyver Greyling. Not just for the most atrocious “impact” performance seen on a rugby field, but also for having the middle name MacGyver (editor: this one we didn’t make up).
Moment we knew the Boks were going to have a rubbish season:
Pick any of the following:
(a) When Zane Kirchner was picked in the starting line up for the first test
(b) Half time against Argentina in Argentina
(c) When you saw Heyneke still had his GI Joe haircut at the first press conference
(d) When Heyneke uttered the words “if you execute plan A well enough, you don’t need a plan B.”
The Percy Montgomery “booed by your own fans” award:
Nick Mallet. He may just be my new hero. Please just bring up ticket prices for international matches one more time, Nick.
Arnie “A game of two halves/strangely orange” Geerdts.
Match that put everything in perspective:
Tonga beat Scotland by roughly the same margin as the Boks did the week before. That should shut up the “a win is a win” brigade.
Overall assessment: “E” for a Fail. With the talent available to the Boks, 2012 was not good enough. We also call BS on the “this was a relatively young team” excuse. That’s second only to “judge me on the World Cup” in terms of desperation.
The Kiwis shows that it isn’t just the Boks who can disgrace their nation on the rugby field. Hang in for 30 seconds to see the dirty deed. Yip, that’s not on.
An under-performing Welsh team have welcomed back Warren Gatland with open arms this week as he seeks to plot a miraculous victory against his home nation.
Gatland has taken a back seat over the last few months with disastrous consequences for the Welsh team, who are slipping down the IRB world rankings faster than Richie McCaw can undo a cheerleader’s brassiere*.
Apparently Gatland’s tactics to counter the formidable Kiwi attack this weekend include slowing the ball at the breakdown, tactical kicking and the use of heavy artillery by arming full-back Leigh Halfpenny with a 6-barrel Gatling gun.
* Currently this stands at 3.4 seconds…with one hand.
With their last match of the season against England this weekend, Bok coach Heyneke Meyer has admitted the team is not quite 100%.
Judging by recent performances and a leaked pic (below) of a recent training session, I’m not going to argue with that…
That was embarrassing. Watching Pat Lambie forced to imitate Morne Steyn and the Boks playing such dull and uninspiring brand of rugby really got me depressed. I can’t have been the only one who found myself switching the channel away from the Bok match.
Heyneke Meyer has been blessed with the most talented pool of players to pick from, probably in Bok history. Which former coach has had the ability to choose a flyhalf from between Goosen, Lambie and Jantjies? Can you imagine what Mallet would have done with those players? Which coach would have been so idiotic as to look at this list of talent and then pick Morne “the revolving turnstile” Steyn for half a season?
At first it was kind of funny to see Meyer persist with Zane Kirchner at fullback, now seeing Zane Kirchner lining up during the anthems is just sad, depressing and lonely. Ruan Pienaar clears the ball from a ruck about as fast as a pensioner at the Meadowridge Park n Shop ATM.
We should be putting fifty on the Scots. Not talking about how a “win is a win”. Pathetic.
We start with current Springbok tighthead, Dr Jannie and that hard to get “Eagles Roadie” look that Jannie has been pulling off all year:
- Obtain ironic “80’s metal band” tshirt for use on nights on the town.
- Apply day old chip fat and rub liberally in your hair (alternatively a litre of day old peanut oil will do)
- Lean casually against a wall in any situation
- Drop cryptic references to “life on the farm” in any conversation
- Faded denims (torn at the knee)
- A pair of Doc Martins
- Axe Body Spray
Scotland’s coach Andy Robinson is reportedly furious after his coaching blueprint to take on the heavily favoured world champion All Blacks was leaked to the press this week after one of the players left a copy in a nightclub after a bender.
Here is what Scotland are planning to do to counter NZ this weekend:
- Braveheart marathon on Friday night (yeah!)
- Morning of the game: squad listens to Metallica’s Master of Puppets album
- Energy bars and espressos for everyone
- First twenty minutes of the game: “take ’em on up front!” (coach’s words)
- Rest of the game: … (we have nothing. Impovise potentially?)
Andy is not pleased. Now NZ know how to prepare for Scotland.
There are growing concerns surrounding Pat Lambie’s personal safety during the Bok’s visit to Ireland next week as part of their Northern Hemisphere tour.
The in-form Lambie, known for his boyish good looks and lack of facial hair, has apparently been singled out by entertainment mogul and X Factor judge Louis Walsh as an ideal candidate for his new boy-band concept Studs Aloud.
Walsh plans to create an all-male version of the hit-churning money-machine Girls Aloud, and believes ‘Lambrini’ (as he likes to call him) could successfully transfer his fleet-footed dancing skills from rugby field to pop stadium glory.
Sources have revealed that Walsh will lure the boy-wonder to his Dublin bachelor pad, where he intends to ply him with a concoction of beer shandies and humorously-shaped jello-shots in the hope of getting him to sign a ten-year contract in his own blood.
Despite languishing in a perpetual state of puberty, Lambie is said to not require the presence of a legal guardian when signing his life away.
Bok coach Heyneke Meyer is reportedly taking the claims very seriously, assigning a minder for the duration of the tour and equipping the youngster with an emergency whistle and prepaid phonecard in the event that he gets lost or seperated from the rest of the team.
Heyneke Meyer dropped a bombshell on the South African public this weekend by not picking the entire Bulls squad for the 30 man touring party to the UK.
When asked about why he made the controversial decision not to pick 30 Blue Bulls to tour, he had the following to say:
“Look, let’s be honest. With the Bulls finishing 4th out of 6 teams and when you consider that one of the teams that finished above the Bulls doesn’t even qualify to play Super Rugby next year, you must know I was under a lot of pressure to pick all thirty Bulls players to represent South Africa.
I was quite close to picking Gio Aplon and Deon Fourie, I must admit, since they are technically much better than some of the current squad, but then I was talking to my assistant coaches and one of them pointed out that Jano Vermaak once dated one of the sisters of one of the other Bulls players, so how I could leave him out? Also, Zane and Morne both have copies of those photos that were taken of me the night that Bulls won the Super Rugby title. You know, where we had the after party… with the thing… and the other thing. So I pretty much have to pick them.
But still. I can squeak in a few non-Bulls players. I mean, I am a Bulls, er, I mean Bok coach, after all. That’s my right. At least that’s what the Blue Bulls Rugby Union tells me I can do.”
BDR presents the key stats line up between the two major stars in Saturday’s Currie Cup final:
- Position: Wing
- Known by his teammates for: Eating ten strawberry energy bars at his first Stormers camp to “prove his loyalty” to Cape Town.
- Height: 1.80m
- Favourite economist: John Maynard Keynes.
- Weight: 94 kgs (when he sucks his belly in)
- Favourite movie: Weekend at Bernies 2 (Jason Silverman)
- Age: 29
- Go to clutch move: Intercept try.
- Philosopher he bases his backline play on: Hegel.
- Career ambition: Shut that n#$b up on the railway stand with the NZ flag who shows up at all of Bryan’s games.
- Song he listens to in order to get “amped”: Careless Whisper by George Michael.
- Position: Flyhalf
- Known by his teammates for: Refusing to pass to anyone in the squad who hasn’t watched all five seasons of The Wire.
- Height: 1.77m
- Favourite economist: Joseph Schumpeter.
- Weight: 83 kgs
- Favourite movie: Pistol Whipped (Steven Seagal)
- Age: 22
- Go to clutch move: Step and hand off (Schalk Burger, anyone?)
- Philosopher he bases his backline play on: Aristotle
- Career ambition: Would like to be able to grow stubble just like his hero Mark Lawrence.
- Song he listens to in order to get “amped”: La Isla Bonita by Madonna
Toks van der Linde is currently making a D list celebrity appearance at the Fish Hoek main road pharmacy in case anyone would like to approach him and ask him why he was sent home from a Bok tour for using a racial epithet in a nightclub after a few too many “sherbets”.
If you thought Josh Strauss talents were consigned to the base of a rugby scrum…then think again.
It has recently been confirmed that in addition to joining the Glasgow Warriors on a new contract, he has signed a 3-year deal with Warner Bros. Pictures and is set to appear in the blockbuster film Argo, which was released in the US last week.
Strauss has already received rave reviews over his powerful performance, with some critics going so far as to compare him to an early Ben Affleck, only with more hair. And talent.
Playing a former CIA Officer involved in a clandestine operation during the Iranian Revolution, Strauss apparently drew on his experiences as part of the 2011 Currie Cup Final to bring a gritty realism to the role.
He has cited Will Ferrell as a big influence and says his biggest regret is not having had the opportunity to play Dumbledore in the Harry Potter franchise.
Need a game to amuse kids at a party? Need a replacement for a Supersport rugby studio guest when one of the current “analysts” is unavailable?
Write the following phrases on separate pieces of paper, put in a tin and shake up, read out in whichever order you drew them and “hey Presto” you’ve just pulled off a DSTV Supersport Rugby broadcast – with the same quality you’ve come to expect from years of abuse at the hands of Naas Botha and co.
- “This one will be decided up front”
- “I think they just didn’t want it enough”
- “It was a game of two halves”
- “He just took his eyes off the ball there when he dropped it”
- “It’s all about who wants it the most”
- “No one works harder in training than [insert name of player who is woefully out of form]”
- “electricifying pace”/”the atmosphere is electric”
- “are these guys even practising anything in training” (reserved for where one of the participants is pretending to be Nick Mallett”
- “Whatever the coach said at half time has worked”
- “He’s been a great servant of the game”
If you caught the All Blacks’ convincing win (16th consecutive and counting…) over the Boks this weekend, you probably noticed Richie McCaw nursing a lovely shiner after the match.
So what?!…you might say. It’s not surprising when you consider the intensity of the clashes between these two great rivals as well as McCaw’s ‘once more unto the breach’ leadership style?
Aah, but wait!…I would retort. The surprising bit is that he later admitted the injury was a result of ‘friendly fire’ and not at the hands of a marauding Bok forward as you might suspect!
Big wank! You may jest. That happens all the time, just ask Quade Cooper who’s been sidelined after Kurtlocker Beale kneecapped him in the showers for stealing his brylcreem.
Touché, but in this case it was McCaw who punched himself in the face just to show how little he respected the Bok attack on Saturday. Just plain arrogant.
Fair enough. The All Blacks ended the debate and speculation as to whether or not any other nations are in the same league as them at the moment. The Kiwis are best the side on the planet by quite a long way. Worthy champs and all that. But that doesn’t change the fact that that one “supporter” in the stands at Soccer City still deserves a full size naartjie delivered at high speed to the back of the head. You know who I am talking about.
As if the clubbing at the hands of the Springboks wasn’t enough, the Australian rugby team now faces additional medical challenges in the run up to the final test against the Pumas this weekend.
Shortly after the final whistle against South Africa the Wallabies injury list read as follows:
- Berrick Barnes – punctured lung
- Adam Ashley Cooper – concussion
- Digby Ioane – injured knee
- Tatafu Polota-Nau – shoulder
- Quade Cooper – left in Oz with “a broken heart”
- Radike Samo – shoulder (again)
- Nick Phipps – bruised ego
Sources from within the camp are now reporting instances of an outbreak of the zombie “rage” virus. Word is that having a touch of the zombie virus hasn’t affected Kurtley Beale’s hair though.
Any takers on the Pumas pulling a “Shane” this weekend?
The All Blacks’ tail-between-legs thrashing of the Pumas this weekend may not have come as a big surprise to many, but revelations that replacement fly-half Aaron Cruden was abducted by extra-terrestrials during the match has raised a few eyebrows.
Despite there having been reports of other-worldly lights on the field towards the end of the match, many believed this to be a bizarre anomaly caused by the floodlights reflecting off Richie McCaw’s pearly-white teeth. Another explanation being offered is the possibility of refracted beams of sunshine, which have been known to occasionally shine out of Dan Carter’s arsehole.
However it was only following the completion of the match that a clearly shaken Cruden revealed that he’d been targeted by lasers in the lead-up to taking a conversion kick, and stranger still, that he’d been beamed aboard a UFO and probed about All Black tactical domination and the ritualistic meanings behind the Haka.
Cruden, who has no known history of substance misuse, also went on to claim that Ma’a Nonu is in fact an extra terrestrial from a planetary system roughly located within the Andromeda spiral galaxy.
The outspoken Aussie fly-half is in the dog house once again with the Australian Rugby Union.
This time it’s for a series of stroppy teenager-like tweets voicing his disapproval of the Wallaby management, with his accusations ranging from the existential to the just plain ludicrous.
In one he claims that he is being ‘destroyed’ as a player and a person. In another he says he is not being allowed to play the type of rugby HE wants to play….Butt-naked rugby? Underwater rugby? Quality rugby?!….who knows!
Another tweet just gets downright weird with what appears to be a reference to the classic Alice Cooper track Poison:
I want to love you but I better not touch (#don’t touch?)
I want to hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (#too much?)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
We can only assume these angst-ridden words are directed at his off-the-field bromance with Sonny-Bill Williams, with whom he has threatened to elope to rugby league at the end of the season unless he is provided with the following:
- his own changing-room with wall-to-wall mirrors
- personalised number plates reading ‘QC69 4EVA’
- a pet anaconda
In honour of Nick Mallett’s glorious performances as a studio guest for Supersport this test season, we’ve decided to run a few articles letting our readers know some obscure things about South Africa’s golden manchild. We begin with his under appreciated role in shaping American pop music.
In 1983 Nick was languishing in obscurity after a less than stellar season as a loose-forward with Western Province. Having taken a break from rugby, he was working on a concept album that he described to friends at the time as “a new kind of sound – the sound of electric postmodern lightning”. Most studios were not ready for Mallett’s revolutionary sound and he did not find a willing audience or lucrative record deal. A trip to the United States in late 1983 changed all that.
After finding himself watching a game of street basketball in Minnesota and as is customary whenever Nick Mallett is in the vicinity of a sports contest, he was unable to stop himself from screaming obscenities at the participants. Nick accused the basketball of lacking heart and not trying hard enough. Unknown to him, he had interrupted a game involving musicians from the Revolution, Prince’s support group at the time. Few would know it at the time but this chance encounter between Nick Mallett and the Revolution would change American musical history. They were able to resolve their differences when Nick Mallett showed the Revolution the correct way to pump fake and alley-oop and all involved soon formed a bond that would lead to musical partnership.
Within days Prince had joined the team and together with Nick Mallett they collaborated on early recordings of what would later become Prince’s seminal album Purple Rain.
For those collectors lucky enough to have the original vinyl 1984 print, Nick Mallett has partial writing credits for a number of songs including “Let’s Go Crazy“. Arguably his most famous contribution to the Purple Rain album is his line:
“This is what feels like when doves cry”.
When Nick isn’t found at primary schools yelling at under 10 age group rugby kids playing rugby who happen to be unrelated to him, he can be found in Supersport adding insight, pathos and tragedy to South African rugby broadcasts.