Raise your arms in the air like you just don’t care y’all!
Troubled Wallabies and Rebels player Kurtley ‘Crumb-catcher’ Beale has decided to take some much needed time out from rugby for personal reasons.
It is likely he will miss the upcoming Lions’ Tour to Australia in order to spend more quality time with close friends and family, namely Jim Beam, Jack Daniels and Tia Maria.
Kurtley’s half-time rider request started to raise a few eyebrows among the Rebels’ back room staff
If you’ve watched any amount of Super Rugby this year, you’ll know that the rolling maul is the hot-topic of the moment. And more specifically, just how the hell is a team meant to defend against it?
In particular it has been the South African conference teams that have used it to such deadly effect and who seem to be forming them more frequently than they can churn out new Fast & Furious films.
For this very reason Big Daddy Rugby has consulted some of the worlds most highly respected and completely fictitious military experts to come up with 5 ways to stop the dreaded rolling maul.
We can do nothing about Vin Diesel films though. Sorry.
1. Scorched Earth Policy
When it comes to wreaking havoc and general destruction, a crazy cat by the name of Stalin had a few tricks (and most likely a poison-tipped dagger) up his sleeve. As a tactic used by the Russians on the German army during WW2 and the US in Vietnam, the idea is to destroy the turf to such an extent that the rolling maul won’t function effectively.
Downside: Not suitable for home matches, i.e. don’t shit where you eat.
“Charlie don’t form rolling mauls!”
2. Propaganda campaign
Not to be outdone by a crazy Russian, the Germans used this slightly more subtle form of military strategy to instil fear and doubt among their enemies. The defending team could make use of an online social media campaign to belittle the image of the rolling maul, utilising slogans such as ‘Rolling mauls cause cancer’ or ‘Rugby is for Girls‘ – or even a video viral showing rolling mauls being formed by fans at a Justin Bieber concert.
Downside: Getting Bieber’s agent to agree to this could take some time.
It’s not subtle or politically correct…but it will work.
3. Horns of the bull
Cunning military strategy invented by Shaka Zulu. He’s that guy who made his troops run on thorns just because he could. The rolling maul is initially hit head-on, with supporting players flanking both sides (the horns) and then employing short stabbing movements with sharp instruments to inflict injuries on the unsuspecting attacking forwards.
Downside: Not only are Saffa players familiar with it, but it can lead to at least half the team being sin-binned.
Even the most dim-witted of tight-heads will understand this one.
4. Divide and conquer
If it worked for the Romans, it can work for you. Simple yet effective technique in which you turn your opponents against each other, leaving them weak and vulnerable. All the defending team needs to do is make the tight-heads believe their doing all the hard work while the loose-head trio are getting all the girls and glory and BAM…the rolling maul collapses like a deck of cards.
Downside: Hard to convince tight-heads of anything unless it’s done with simplified drawings and pictures.
We come in peace…..hee hee!
5. Trench warfare technique
This one involves a bit of planning, but with some bulldozers, a bit of barbed wire and a full-back with a Gatling Gun – that rolling maul isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
Downside: In addition to logistical issues, can lead to stalemate and a sudden urge for players to breakout into a jovial football match while singing Paul McCartney’s ‘Pipes of Peace’
Gatling Gun….all good full-backs should have one.
Cheetahs and Springbok forward Heinrich Brussow is to have his name added to a lexicon of terms and as means of describing the act of dispossessing the opposing team of the ball contrary to the run of play.
Otherwise to be known as the Heinrich Manoeuvre.
The decision has been made due to the freakishly large amount of times Brussow is responsible for turnover ball at the ruck and his God-like ability to appear in many places at once.
All hail Heinrich…for he is a plentiful and generous giver of turnover ball.
When was the last time you saw a conversion charged-down?!
Most likely the 20th, possibly even 19th century…when a rugby ball was basically an animal’s lower intestine filled with porridge, which then conveniently doubled-up as a post-match haggis.
That’s unless you happened to catch the Hurricanes vs Stormers match yesterday in which Habana chased-down a 40th minute conversion, like a hungry beast released from a cage and eager for his half-time slice of orange.
Habana has come in for a lot of stick here on Big Daddy Rugby…but there’ll be a lot more carrot dangling (and NO, that’s not a euphemism!) if he continues show moments of genius like this…
TATAFU POLOTA-NAU (Photo credit: paddynapper)
NSW front rower Polota-Nau has released his new single “Nightcall” under the stage name of “Kavinsky”. Rolling Stone magazine has hailed it as a tour de force of new wave electro-pop and our first listen gives it an enthusiastic double thumbs up. Apparently most of the album was written during the Waratah’s tour of South Africa and in particular this track, Nightcall, was penned after a grueling scrumming session followed by ten laps around the field and a set of crunchies.
The track is available for a listen here:
Half time against the Brumbies is no time to lose your faith in humanity.
Andries Strauss has been injecting a little Rick Grimes into his half time pep talks with the Southern Kings. This is not a democracy!
What part of Christchurch are you from, son?
After talking a good game in the office last week, Stormers fans will be pretending they’re “not that into” Super Rugby this week as they return to face their coworkers. It’s a time honored tradition in the Cape. All of a sudden there are lot more important things in life than rugby.
When faced with one of those irritating “kiwi” supporters here are a few lines to help you get through the week at office.
If you are in a position of authority you don’t need any witty one liners at work this week. Just remember to put an incriminating note in the offending employee’s permanent HR file.
Remember Robbie Fleck?!
Well neither did I…until I caught a glimpse of him high-fiving Stormers’ coach Alistair Coetzee during their win over the Brumbies this weekend.
From memory Fleck was a fairly decent, if not exciting, centre for the Boks back when grunge music was still popular. His slightly cocky rich-kid demeanour always made me think he’d look more at home in an episode of Beverley Hills 90210, rather than chasing a ball around a rugby field with a bunch of plebs.
See what I mean…
Surf’s up…plus daddy’s shares in Indonesian palm-oil are looking good too! Awesome.
You can imagine my surprise to find that Robbie has not gone on to be the MD of a trendy new media start-up company, and is in fact the assistant back-line coach for the Stormers. This is probably popular knowledge among most Super Rugby aficionados, but it came as a shock to me. I had higher hopes for young Robbie.
I can only assume it’s been a bit of a shock for him too, cos he’s gone completely grey. When did that happen?! Not that it’s a bad thing, I mean look at Richard Gere and that fellow Gandalf. They’ve done pretty well for themselves!
Good for you Flecky…no need to hide your true colours.
You may want to try a touch of sunblock from time to time though…
Robbie ‘Salt ‘n Peppa’ Fleck
Seen in the Brumbies changing room after full time at Newlands on Saturday night…. Allister Coetzee confronting his former mentor Jake White:
Allister “I’m much stronger now” Coetzee
Other comments heard from behind the scenes:
‘He who controls himself, controls the game’….the tat says it all really.
21 March 2013
Dear diary,
I seem to be appearing in the press quite a bit recently. Normally I quite like that. Wait, who am I kidding…I friggin love it! But this time it’s my reffing and not my sexuality that’s being questioned, and I just won’t stand for that shit.
I’m probably the best flippin ref in the world today. At the very least it’s a tie with that Saffa with the weird name, but he’ll probably be tried for attempted murder or robbery by the end of the year leaving me top dog again.
It’s bloody ridiculous thinking I favoured the red team on Saturday. I don’t even know who they were. I didn’t penalise the guys in white any more than necessary. Except the scrum-half Ben Youngs. His hair was just plain silly – he’s lucky I didn’t send him straight to the bin. I can’t stand people who don’t take care of themselves, it’s just bloody selfish if you ask me.
So it looks like I’m gonna have to defend myself against the IRB, whoever the hell they are! Maybe there’ll be some good looking girls on the panel.
That would be nice.
‘What would Cartman do?’ – the philosophy on which Walsh bases most of his reffing decisions.
Huh? Two consecutive wins in Australasia on tour. The Cheetahs? When did they become a team that wins comfortably on tour?
I knew they were onto a good thing when they hired Tony Soprano to be their coach. But even the most optimistic Cheetahs fan wouldn’t have predicted that they’d be destroying office betting pools everywhere by winning in New Zealand and Australia. They even stand a decent chance of coming back from Australasia with a 75% win record.
They’ve got some electric backs in Raymond Rhule and Sarel Pretorius, the child of promise at flyhalf in Johan Goosen. Adriaan Strauss is in the form of his life at the moment, and any squad that has Heinrich Brussouw in it… say no more.
Things are looking up for the men from Bloemfontein.
Now the last thing they need to fix is those cheerleaders… and after this weekend’s performance there is a rumour doing the rounds on the interwebs that Heidi Klum has put in an application for the Cheetahs cheerleaders. They’re almost a complete team now.
Naka Drotske discussing tactics over a glass of wine with the Cheetahs “Brains Trust” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Duane ‘Dazed and Confused’ Vermeulen
Ever wondered why Springbok and Stormers No.8 Duane Vermeulen always has that perplexed look on his face?
It’s because he can’t figure out why people keep asking him where his hammer is and why he let Iron Man kick his ass in the Avengers movie…
Chris Hemsworth, otherwise known as Thor
In what critics are calling “a crime against nature” the Bulls have released a version of themselves singing “Stand by Me”. See the video below:
After viewing this, I can only say…
What the fuck?
In an attempt to restore some musical dignity to South African rugby franchises, the Southern Kings have released their own music video in response. Most fans prefer the Kings’ track by a large margin.
After a long season in the flyhalf channel for the Stormers, prop Brok Harris likes to spend his time looking for a “new sound”.
You may know Brok Harris as the prop for the Stormers, the front rower reluctant to join rucks and mauls, preferring instead the limelight of the flyhalf channel, but you may not be aware that post-season he moonlights as indie folk rocker.
Our sources in the Stormers locker room tipped us off that Brok has been releasing a few indie folk singles on YouTube under the moniker “Bon Iver”. The editorial team at Big Daddy Rugby just had to take a sneak peek and we have to stay we’re impressed!
With talent like this, no wonder Brok refuses to get involved at ruck time. He could injure those magnificent musical hands of his.
Take a listen for yourself to what Brok has been up to:
Not many people know this about the former French captain Thierry Dusautoir, but he was raised by bears.
This hasn’t stopped him from becoming one of the greatest flankers the game has ever seen, but it has meant a challenging journey of self-discovery in which he has had to forego his previous life to adopt the confined existence of human society.
In the early stages of his rugby career, Dusautoir refused to wear clothes and instead of releasing after the tackle, he would rip all his opponents limbs off and then proceed to eat their liver. At times washed down with a nice Chianti. His interpretation of a maul was also at times…suspect.
As you can imagine, he spent more time in the sin-bin than on the playing field, but with support from his bear family (in particular his Uncle Joe – see pic below) and the encouragement of his trainer - he overcame his primal urges to produce some truly great rugby and become IRB Player of the Year in 2011.
Now back from injury, he returns to the team in today’s 6 Nations clash against Italy, in which France will be hoping to avoid a repeat of their shock defeat two years ago – and you can bet Dusautoir will be pawing the ground in anticipation.
Thierry with Uncle Joe, who will be growling from the sidelines.
The Springbok season is over and it is time to pull out the scorecard.
Best Player:
Duane Vermeulen, who is rapidly approaching “players who may not be criticized on this blog” status.
Best Hair:
Jannie “Eagles Roadie” Du Plessis.
Player who looked best in shorts:
Andries Strauss (pulling off the naughty standard 6 schoolboy look)
Player who looked worst in shorts:
Flip Van der Merwe.
The annual “Hansie Cronje” award for embarrassing your country:
Dean MacGyver Greyling. Not just for the most atrocious “impact” performance seen on a rugby field, but also for having the middle name MacGyver (editor: this one we didn’t make up).
Moment we knew the Boks were going to have a rubbish season:
Pick any of the following:
(a) When Zane Kirchner was picked in the starting line up for the first test
(b) Half time against Argentina in Argentina
(c) When you saw Heyneke still had his GI Joe haircut at the first press conference
(d) When Heyneke uttered the words “if you execute plan A well enough, you don’t need a plan B.”
The Percy Montgomery “booed by your own fans” award:
Morne Steyn.
Best commentator/analyst:
Nick Mallet. He may just be my new hero. Please just bring up ticket prices for international matches one more time, Nick.
Worst commentator/analyst:
Arnie “A game of two halves/strangely orange” Geerdts.
Match that put everything in perspective:
Tonga beat Scotland by roughly the same margin as the Boks did the week before. That should shut up the “a win is a win” brigade.
Overall assessment: “E” for a Fail. With the talent available to the Boks, 2012 was not good enough. We also call BS on the “this was a relatively young team” excuse. That’s second only to “judge me on the World Cup” in terms of desperation.
It has been rumoured that as a child Duane Vermeulen wrote the original screenplay that David Lynch went on to use as “Twin Peaks”.
The Kiwis shows that it isn’t just the Boks who can disgrace their nation on the rugby field. Hang in for 30 seconds to see the dirty deed. Yip, that’s not on.
Ouch.
An under-performing Welsh team have welcomed back Warren Gatland with open arms this week as he seeks to plot a miraculous victory against his home nation.
Gatland has taken a back seat over the last few months with disastrous consequences for the Welsh team, who are slipping down the IRB world rankings faster than Richie McCaw can undo a cheerleader’s brassiere*.
Apparently Gatland’s tactics to counter the formidable Kiwi attack this weekend include slowing the ball at the breakdown, tactical kicking and the use of heavy artillery by arming full-back Leigh Halfpenny with a 6-barrel Gatling gun.
* Currently this stands at 3.4 seconds…with one hand.
If this won’t stop the All Blacks, nothing will.
With their last match of the season against England this weekend, Bok coach Heyneke Meyer has admitted the team is not quite 100%.
Judging by recent performances and a leaked pic (below) of a recent training session, I’m not going to argue with that…
The Boks looked ‘below par’ at a recent training session.
That was embarrassing. Watching Pat Lambie forced to imitate Morne Steyn and the Boks playing such dull and uninspiring brand of rugby really got me depressed. I can’t have been the only one who found myself switching the channel away from the Bok match.
Heyneke Meyer has been blessed with the most talented pool of players to pick from, probably in Bok history. Which former coach has had the ability to choose a flyhalf from between Goosen, Lambie and Jantjies? Can you imagine what Mallet would have done with those players? Which coach would have been so idiotic as to look at this list of talent and then pick Morne “the revolving turnstile” Steyn for half a season?
At first it was kind of funny to see Meyer persist with Zane Kirchner at fullback, now seeing Zane Kirchner lining up during the anthems is just sad, depressing and lonely. Ruan Pienaar clears the ball from a ruck about as fast as a pensioner at the Meadowridge Park n Shop ATM.
We should be putting fifty on the Scots. Not talking about how a “win is a win”. Pathetic.
