Andries Strauss has been injecting a little Rick Grimes into his half time pep talks with the Southern Kings. This is not a democracy!
After talking a good game in the office last week, Stormers fans will be pretending they’re “not that into” Super Rugby this week as they return to face their coworkers. It’s a time honored tradition in the Cape. All of a sudden there are lot more important things in life than rugby.
When faced with one of those irritating “kiwi” supporters here are a few lines to help you get through the week at office.
- Oh, did the Stormers lose? Oh… That must be nice for you, seeing as you follow rugby and all that. Yeah… I don’t really get to make time for rugby. Are the Crusaders a good team? Where are they from?
- Is your family from the North Island or the South Island?
- I don’t get to watch games as I spend every weekend volunteering at a soup kitchen for orphans. It’s important to get my priorities in life right.
- What part of Christchurch are you from, son? [then mutter in a soft whisper…. “C@ck!” as your coworker walks away.]. Note: if this coworker is in any way connected to paying your salary you should definitely say “Nothing” if they suddenly spin around and ask you to repeat what you just said.
If you are in a position of authority you don’t need any witty one liners at work this week. Just remember to put an incriminating note in the offending employee’s permanent HR file.
Seen in the Brumbies changing room after full time at Newlands on Saturday night…. Allister Coetzee confronting his former mentor Jake White:
Other comments heard from behind the scenes:
- What part of Canberra are you from?
- There are no rules! It’s the Thunderdome baby!
- “We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got, cause it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not, we’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love” (quoting the Bon Jovi albums they used to listen to during Rugby World Cup 2007)
- “But quite frankly Jake your attitude appalls me. It’s not what you’re saying. It’s all this stuff you’re not saying. Insinnuendos” (having just watched Sexy Beast yet again).
Huh? Two consecutive wins in Australasia on tour. The Cheetahs? When did they become a team that wins comfortably on tour?
I knew they were onto a good thing when they hired Tony Soprano to be their coach. But even the most optimistic Cheetahs fan wouldn’t have predicted that they’d be destroying office betting pools everywhere by winning in New Zealand and Australia. They even stand a decent chance of coming back from Australasia with a 75% win record.
They’ve got some electric backs in Raymond Rhule and Sarel Pretorius, the child of promise at flyhalf in Johan Goosen. Adriaan Strauss is in the form of his life at the moment, and any squad that has Heinrich Brussouw in it… say no more.
Things are looking up for the men from Bloemfontein.
Now the last thing they need to fix is those cheerleaders… and after this weekend’s performance there is a rumour doing the rounds on the interwebs that Heidi Klum has put in an application for the Cheetahs cheerleaders. They’re almost a complete team now.
With Round 2 of the 2013 Super 15 recently behind us, last weekend was when most of us got round to actually watching a game with a pint in hand. During the off-season, I forgot a few things that just one weekend of rugby brought back freshly to my mind. Here is my list:
- just how little Pierre Spies does in a rugby game, besides doing his impersonation of the movie poster “This is Sparta!”
- just how much I hate Hugh Bladen’s commentary
- that watching the Stormers play is like getting into an Ingmar Bergman existentialist 4 hour movie
- that Joel Stansky’s voice sounds like a camel being put through a woodchipper
- In office pools, always bet on the home team unless the Crusaders or the Lions (ooo too soon?) are involved
- Bryan Habana tends to go entire seasons without being able to catch a rugby ball
- Wynand Olivier’s hair never ceases to amaze me
- One can never overstate just how depressing and uninspiring the Cheetahs cheerleaders are
- Who the hell is doing the Vodacom advertising and what are they smoking?!
- My Nick Mallet man-crush (who else speaks truth to power?).
In what critics are calling “a crime against nature” the Bulls have released a version of themselves singing “Stand by Me”. See the video below:
After viewing this, I can only say…
What the fuck?
In an attempt to restore some musical dignity to South African rugby franchises, the Southern Kings have released their own music video in response. Most fans prefer the Kings’ track by a large margin.
You may know Brok Harris as the prop for the Stormers, the front rower reluctant to join rucks and mauls, preferring instead the limelight of the flyhalf channel, but you may not be aware that post-season he moonlights as indie folk rocker.
Our sources in the Stormers locker room tipped us off that Brok has been releasing a few indie folk singles on YouTube under the moniker “Bon Iver”. The editorial team at Big Daddy Rugby just had to take a sneak peek and we have to stay we’re impressed!
With talent like this, no wonder Brok refuses to get involved at ruck time. He could injure those magnificent musical hands of his.
Take a listen for yourself to what Brok has been up to:
The Southern Kings unfortunately decided to switch their logo at their last minute before the 2013 season kicked off. The more fitting image of a baby seal being clubbed to death was replaced with something resembling 4 Bic pens randomly sprouting towards the sky.
2013 is not going to pretty for this franchise. You’ve got to feel for them. Consider how the South African rugby administration has set them up to fail.
- SARU dicking around for most 2011 and 2012 and not making it clear which teams would be participating (how do you recruit when you don’t know which teams will be in or out?)
- The Lions refusing to loan any players to the Kings, despite the fact that they were offered to all the other South African franchises.
- Only giving the Kings one season to stay afloat in the S15 (who wants to sign for a team that will finish last and be relegated?)
- SARU refusing to relax the foreign quota limit for the Kings in light of the above (it was waived for the Melbourne Rebels by the ARU). Would have been great to see a few more Kenyans in this squad.
Yip, it’s pretty much a certainty they are going to be on the receiving end of some massive hidings. Away from home, you’d be brave to bet against them conceding 100 points somewhere along the way. The really irritating thing here, is that would have been great to see a good side playing out of P.E.
Players to watch this season: Luke Watson and … um… I am pretty sure there are one or two other decent players, aren’t there?
If they had a theme song by Leonard Cohen it would be: “Never Any Good”.
Prospects for 2013: Nuclear holocaust.
After finding themselves on the wrong end of SARFU backroom dealings, the Lions will not be participating in this year’s Super 15. This weekend saw them taking on the less fancied Russian national team at Ellis Park as part of a completely rejigged schedule for 2013. Johan Ackermann and management have had to scramble to organise “decent” opponents to keep the squad sharp for the promotion-relegation layoffs later this year.
They have cobbled together a tournament of sorts now being referred to as “the Game of Thrones”.
Here are the fixtures and opponents as far as we can tell:
- February 2, 2013: Lions v Sweet Valley Primary School under 13B rugby team (“C” team not available that weekend)
- February 15, 2013: Lions v Meadowridge Baptist Youth Group (game moved to Friday to accommodate “lift” arrangements with parents)
- March 8, 2013: Lions v USA invitational (away game).
- March 15, 2013: Lions v North America invitational (away game)
- April 13, 2013: Lions v car guards at Shoprite-Checkers (match to be played under “Southern Suburbs rules”)
- April 20, 2013: Lions v Peoples Republic of Korea followed by Lions v Peoples Republic of Hout Bay (a despot double header!)
- April 27, 2013: Lions v Wales.
Shooo… if you’re a season ticket holder best sell them now, before your potential buyers get a look at this fixture list.
The Springbok season is over and it is time to pull out the scorecard.
Duane Vermeulen, who is rapidly approaching “players who may not be criticized on this blog” status.
Jannie “Eagles Roadie” Du Plessis.
Player who looked best in shorts:
Andries Strauss (pulling off the naughty standard 6 schoolboy look)
Player who looked worst in shorts:
Flip Van der Merwe.
The annual “Hansie Cronje” award for embarrassing your country:
Dean MacGyver Greyling. Not just for the most atrocious “impact” performance seen on a rugby field, but also for having the middle name MacGyver (editor: this one we didn’t make up).
Moment we knew the Boks were going to have a rubbish season:
Pick any of the following:
(a) When Zane Kirchner was picked in the starting line up for the first test
(b) Half time against Argentina in Argentina
(c) When you saw Heyneke still had his GI Joe haircut at the first press conference
(d) When Heyneke uttered the words “if you execute plan A well enough, you don’t need a plan B.”
The Percy Montgomery “booed by your own fans” award:
Nick Mallet. He may just be my new hero. Please just bring up ticket prices for international matches one more time, Nick.
Arnie “A game of two halves/strangely orange” Geerdts.
Match that put everything in perspective:
Tonga beat Scotland by roughly the same margin as the Boks did the week before. That should shut up the “a win is a win” brigade.
Overall assessment: “E” for a Fail. With the talent available to the Boks, 2012 was not good enough. We also call BS on the “this was a relatively young team” excuse. That’s second only to “judge me on the World Cup” in terms of desperation.
The Kiwis shows that it isn’t just the Boks who can disgrace their nation on the rugby field. Hang in for 30 seconds to see the dirty deed. Yip, that’s not on.
That was embarrassing. Watching Pat Lambie forced to imitate Morne Steyn and the Boks playing such dull and uninspiring brand of rugby really got me depressed. I can’t have been the only one who found myself switching the channel away from the Bok match.
Heyneke Meyer has been blessed with the most talented pool of players to pick from, probably in Bok history. Which former coach has had the ability to choose a flyhalf from between Goosen, Lambie and Jantjies? Can you imagine what Mallet would have done with those players? Which coach would have been so idiotic as to look at this list of talent and then pick Morne “the revolving turnstile” Steyn for half a season?
At first it was kind of funny to see Meyer persist with Zane Kirchner at fullback, now seeing Zane Kirchner lining up during the anthems is just sad, depressing and lonely. Ruan Pienaar clears the ball from a ruck about as fast as a pensioner at the Meadowridge Park n Shop ATM.
We should be putting fifty on the Scots. Not talking about how a “win is a win”. Pathetic.
We start with current Springbok tighthead, Dr Jannie and that hard to get “Eagles Roadie” look that Jannie has been pulling off all year:
- Obtain ironic “80’s metal band” tshirt for use on nights on the town.
- Apply day old chip fat and rub liberally in your hair (alternatively a litre of day old peanut oil will do)
- Lean casually against a wall in any situation
- Drop cryptic references to “life on the farm” in any conversation
- Faded denims (torn at the knee)
- A pair of Doc Martins
- Axe Body Spray
Scotland’s coach Andy Robinson is reportedly furious after his coaching blueprint to take on the heavily favoured world champion All Blacks was leaked to the press this week after one of the players left a copy in a nightclub after a bender.
Here is what Scotland are planning to do to counter NZ this weekend:
- Braveheart marathon on Friday night (yeah!)
- Morning of the game: squad listens to Metallica’s Master of Puppets album
- Energy bars and espressos for everyone
- First twenty minutes of the game: “take ’em on up front!” (coach’s words)
- Rest of the game: … (we have nothing. Impovise potentially?)
Andy is not pleased. Now NZ know how to prepare for Scotland.
Heyneke Meyer dropped a bombshell on the South African public this weekend by not picking the entire Bulls squad for the 30 man touring party to the UK.
When asked about why he made the controversial decision not to pick 30 Blue Bulls to tour, he had the following to say:
“Look, let’s be honest. With the Bulls finishing 4th out of 6 teams and when you consider that one of the teams that finished above the Bulls doesn’t even qualify to play Super Rugby next year, you must know I was under a lot of pressure to pick all thirty Bulls players to represent South Africa.
I was quite close to picking Gio Aplon and Deon Fourie, I must admit, since they are technically much better than some of the current squad, but then I was talking to my assistant coaches and one of them pointed out that Jano Vermaak once dated one of the sisters of one of the other Bulls players, so how I could leave him out? Also, Zane and Morne both have copies of those photos that were taken of me the night that Bulls won the Super Rugby title. You know, where we had the after party… with the thing… and the other thing. So I pretty much have to pick them.
But still. I can squeak in a few non-Bulls players. I mean, I am a Bulls, er, I mean Bok coach, after all. That’s my right. At least that’s what the Blue Bulls Rugby Union tells me I can do.”
The talk of the town in wine estates, fashion boutiques and French restaurants across the Cape Peninsula today is of Eben Etzebeth’s epic performance in the final against the Sharks. One of our drinking buddies was lucky enough to be in attendance at the Shark tank and managed to capture this footage of Eben Etzebeth dismantling the Sharks:
BDR presents the key stats line up between the two major stars in Saturday’s Currie Cup final:
- Position: Wing
- Known by his teammates for: Eating ten strawberry energy bars at his first Stormers camp to “prove his loyalty” to Cape Town.
- Height: 1.80m
- Favourite economist: John Maynard Keynes.
- Weight: 94 kgs (when he sucks his belly in)
- Favourite movie: Weekend at Bernies 2 (Jason Silverman)
- Age: 29
- Go to clutch move: Intercept try.
- Philosopher he bases his backline play on: Hegel.
- Career ambition: Shut that n#$b up on the railway stand with the NZ flag who shows up at all of Bryan’s games.
- Song he listens to in order to get “amped”: Careless Whisper by George Michael.
- Position: Flyhalf
- Known by his teammates for: Refusing to pass to anyone in the squad who hasn’t watched all five seasons of The Wire.
- Height: 1.77m
- Favourite economist: Joseph Schumpeter.
- Weight: 83 kgs
- Favourite movie: Pistol Whipped (Steven Seagal)
- Age: 22
- Go to clutch move: Step and hand off (Schalk Burger, anyone?)
- Philosopher he bases his backline play on: Aristotle
- Career ambition: Would like to be able to grow stubble just like his hero Mark Lawrence.
- Song he listens to in order to get “amped”: La Isla Bonita by Madonna
Toks van der Linde is currently making a D list celebrity appearance at the Fish Hoek main road pharmacy in case anyone would like to approach him and ask him why he was sent home from a Bok tour for using a racial epithet in a nightclub after a few too many “sherbets”.
The preliminary fluff of domestic South African rugby is over and we’ve got a few weeks of “real” Currie Cup rugby with the return of the Springboks and the start of the post-season knock-outs. It’s time for a look at the final four teams left standing.
Player to look out for: Elton Jantjies. Watch him here before he gets set up by Heyneke to fail on the northern hemisphere tour.
Best known for: It’s an odd team strategy to base your chances of winning silverware by having the most rubbish squad available so that none of your players get picked for Bok duty. This allows you to then clean up against weakened opponents while the Boks are away on tour. The key is to then try to ride the momentum through to the final. Also known for half time talks from the coach that involve hazing rituals, mental and physical abuse of the current scrumhalf.
Bob Dylan song that best describes them: “Beyond Here Lies Nothing”
Player to look out for: Bryan Habana. Those evenings spent around the campfire with Heyneke Meyer during the Bok season has allowed him to regain his form.
Best known for: The ability to be on fire during the regular season but then fail to put together anything resembling decent rugby in the knock-out stages thus ensuring that their own fans boo them at home as they get knocked out of a tournament they once led. The “Proteas” of South African rugby.
Bob Dylan song that best describes them: “Everything is Broken”
Player to look out for: Pat Lambie. It’s getting to be one of the last few times for Lambo to roll the dice to become the next big Springbok flyhalf hope. He’s in danger of becoming another false hope.
Best known for: Good cheerleaders, not so good backline play.
Bob Dylan song that best describes them: “Just Like A Woman”
Player to look out for: Morne Steyn. He’s not going to come good just in time for the final, is he?
Best known for: With Heyneke Meyer’s mad King Lear like insistence on picking all things Bulls (including his lunch box), many parts of the country are turning against the Bulls franchise. Some may go as far as to hope for a convenient injury to unpopular players.
Bob Dylan song that best describes them: “With God On Our Side”.
Need a game to amuse kids at a party? Need a replacement for a Supersport rugby studio guest when one of the current “analysts” is unavailable?
Write the following phrases on separate pieces of paper, put in a tin and shake up, read out in whichever order you drew them and “hey Presto” you’ve just pulled off a DSTV Supersport Rugby broadcast – with the same quality you’ve come to expect from years of abuse at the hands of Naas Botha and co.
- “This one will be decided up front”
- “I think they just didn’t want it enough”
- “It was a game of two halves”
- “He just took his eyes off the ball there when he dropped it”
- “It’s all about who wants it the most”
- “No one works harder in training than [insert name of player who is woefully out of form]”
- “electricifying pace”/”the atmosphere is electric”
- “are these guys even practising anything in training” (reserved for where one of the participants is pretending to be Nick Mallett”
- “Whatever the coach said at half time has worked”
- “He’s been a great servant of the game”
Fair enough. The All Blacks ended the debate and speculation as to whether or not any other nations are in the same league as them at the moment. The Kiwis are best the side on the planet by quite a long way. Worthy champs and all that. But that doesn’t change the fact that that one “supporter” in the stands at Soccer City still deserves a full size naartjie delivered at high speed to the back of the head. You know who I am talking about.
As if the clubbing at the hands of the Springboks wasn’t enough, the Australian rugby team now faces additional medical challenges in the run up to the final test against the Pumas this weekend.
Shortly after the final whistle against South Africa the Wallabies injury list read as follows:
- Berrick Barnes – punctured lung
- Adam Ashley Cooper – concussion
- Digby Ioane – injured knee
- Tatafu Polota-Nau – shoulder
- Quade Cooper – left in Oz with “a broken heart”
- Radike Samo – shoulder (again)
- Nick Phipps – bruised ego
Sources from within the camp are now reporting instances of an outbreak of the zombie “rage” virus. Word is that having a touch of the zombie virus hasn’t affected Kurtley Beale’s hair though.
Any takers on the Pumas pulling a “Shane” this weekend?
In honour of Nick Mallett’s glorious performances as a studio guest for Supersport this test season, we’ve decided to run a few articles letting our readers know some obscure things about South Africa’s golden manchild. We begin with his under appreciated role in shaping American pop music.
In 1983 Nick was languishing in obscurity after a less than stellar season as a loose-forward with Western Province. Having taken a break from rugby, he was working on a concept album that he described to friends at the time as “a new kind of sound – the sound of electric postmodern lightning”. Most studios were not ready for Mallett’s revolutionary sound and he did not find a willing audience or lucrative record deal. A trip to the United States in late 1983 changed all that.
After finding himself watching a game of street basketball in Minnesota and as is customary whenever Nick Mallett is in the vicinity of a sports contest, he was unable to stop himself from screaming obscenities at the participants. Nick accused the basketball of lacking heart and not trying hard enough. Unknown to him, he had interrupted a game involving musicians from the Revolution, Prince’s support group at the time. Few would know it at the time but this chance encounter between Nick Mallett and the Revolution would change American musical history. They were able to resolve their differences when Nick Mallett showed the Revolution the correct way to pump fake and alley-oop and all involved soon formed a bond that would lead to musical partnership.
Within days Prince had joined the team and together with Nick Mallett they collaborated on early recordings of what would later become Prince’s seminal album Purple Rain.
For those collectors lucky enough to have the original vinyl 1984 print, Nick Mallett has partial writing credits for a number of songs including “Let’s Go Crazy“. Arguably his most famous contribution to the Purple Rain album is his line:
“This is what feels like when doves cry”.
When Nick isn’t found at primary schools yelling at under 10 age group rugby kids playing rugby who happen to be unrelated to him, he can be found in Supersport adding insight, pathos and tragedy to South African rugby broadcasts.
Dean Greyling, let me count the ways you hurt me.
- 4 penalties in less than 20 minutes including one that robbed us of a bonus point
- knocked the ball on with the try line in site
- missed tackles
- thuggish and cowardly flying forearm hit earning yourself a yellow card and the Boks the bad reputation of being sore and dirty losers.
Please. I never asked for you to be picked for the Boks ever. I despise your silly facial hair and your attempt to look tough. You made me explore moral nihilism in my darkest moments today. You should be locked in a room with only Nick Mallett and a blunt spoon. You should also never, never play for the Springboks ever again .
Also according to Wikipedia your first name is MacGuyver and you were born in 1986. So… please wee off.
As part of the Lions’ deal to release Joshua Strauss to play for the Glasgow Warriors some of his rare concert footage has finally been made available to fans of his stripped down electro-folk sound and his ability to clear out a ruck.
Big Daddy Rugby has been lucky enough to get a hold of him doing a solo version of his standout track “Flightless Bird”. Joshua Strauss fans, feast your eyes and ears on this!
Due to some difficulties with his record label his Steak Machines debut album is not currently available on iTunes or at most Musicas. But you can get your Joshua Strauss by looping the above video.
Jannie du Plessis and Andries Bekker working on Heyneke’s “primal” lineout technique. If Heyneke’s methods continue to go according to plan, soon the Springboks will lose the use of their opposable thumbs:
In light of Heyneke’s decision to defend his game plan against Argentina, we thought it appropriate to highlight some other controversial beliefs held by the current Bok coach.
- When plan “A” isn’t working, you don’t need a plan “B”. Do plan “A” again. But this time try harder.
- Players don’t need to run into space. Ideally they should run straight at opposition players and collapse in a heap the moment anyone touches them.
- The science on evolution isn’t “all in” yet.
- It is not necessary to secure the ball at a break down. One should pick players based on bicep measurements rather than ability on the floor.
- Arcade Fire’s The Suburbs is “kinda overrated”.
- Climate change is just a hoax.
- The Boks played well in parts against Argentina.
- Morne Steyn isn’t out of form.
- Brussouw isn’t “all that”.
- Zane “the Crazy Train” Kirchner is a better option at fullback than both Gio Aplon and the Lambo.
Ahhh, Heyneke. Looks like the honeymoon is over. Can you feel those screws turning yet?
After the Argentinians destroyed the Bok pack on Saturday much has been written about the poor showing of the supposed tough and powerful Springbok forwards. But this leaked photo of the Bok forwards practising in the days before the Mendoza test may explain just why the Boks were bullied.
Whenever a touring rugby team is in town there is some banter amongst the more predatory groupie females about the challenge of pulling in a visiting rugby player and consigning it to a special notch above the bedpost.
Connected as we are to the pulse of Cape Town, we know that some groupies ran into the Argentinian rugby team at that stellar institute of Plumstead nightlife Pirates. While some of those female fans began the evening with high hopes for conquering their Latin fantasies, the feedback on how it went can probably best be described by these two pictures: