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That familiar sinking Springbok feeling: 2013 edition

16 Jun

It’s early days, but I’ve got Springbok deja vu all over again.  That feeling in the pit of your stomach that despite all of this amazing talent available to the Bok rugby team, somehow between the coaching staff and the administrators they’ve managed to screw it up – again.

You know that one where you watch the Junior World Championships and you get all excited thinking about that talent that is available to future Bok squads?   You start selecting your “dream team” Springbok squad in April and start to picture a Bok team putting 50 on New Zealand.  You see Heinrich Brussouw in all the glorious splendor that is his natural wonder and you think to yourself… “Yes… this can happen”.

There’s a flash of inspiration from some newcomer to the scene.  A young Francois Steyn or Pat Lambie.  A new looseforward capable of scrounging possession away from Richie McCaw in a Super 15 game and also capable of smuggling an entire array of donuts and cigarettes from Pollsmoor Prison.   A backline player so fast, with a step so vicious….  Maybe it is the complete flyhalf

And then…

You see the team they pick.  It usually starts with Zane “the Crazy Train” Kirchner getting a first mention.  They pick a few of the flash players to keep your spirits alive (like a hopeless romantic in the weeks before the matric dance), but the administrators also baffle you by refusing to pick a supremely talented player because he is a “fetcher” and not a “ball carrier”.  The coach persists in selecting an old fart who is way past his sell by date.   The pre-match interviews with the Bok coach resemble the deranged droolings of a mad man.  You start to worry.

Game day…

The player that you always wanted to see in a Bok jersey, that you made a fool of yourself for at that pub after work, is now wearing the Green and Gold.  But it is not the thing of beauty you wanted it to be.  No… it is an abomination.  There is no silky footwork to be seen.  Only a relentless charging up the middle like something out of BlackAdder (that’s exactly why they’ll never expect it again!).

The Boks struggle and stutter against a very mediocre opposition.   In fact, it appears as though they have never practiced together but met at a Live Action Role Playing conference for fans of Harry Potter the day before the test match.

And then you know… it’s going to be a long cold winter of discontent.

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Gupta scandal rocks SA rugby

26 May

Frank the Tank” Gupta plays loosehead prop at Gupta family rugby games.

 

In further developments in the “Gupta-gate” scandal, our sources tell us that the Guptas’ tentacles extended into rugby administration. Even the Bok has succumbed to the charms of president Zuma’s sugar daddy family.

By virtue of their “close relationship” with president Zuma, the Guptas were provided with the following “special favours”, courtesy of South African rugby administrators:

- A few Guptas were given a guided tour of the SARFU offices in Cape Town where they were presented with an autographed poster signed by Coenie Oosthuizen himself.

- A pair of Jannie Du Plessis’ shorts that he wore against the All Blacks

- Actual replica tshirt of the Cheetahs 2012 Super 15 jersey

- An impromptu “ball skills” demonstration on how to be an effective fly-half by Brok Harris.

Is nothing sacred anymore?

Cartoon by Zapiro

America delivers a big wedgie to the Springbok reputation

12 May

Ahhh.  Somewhere in the States today, there sat a fellow in a faded green and gold jersey (circa 1995 or 2007?), slowly sipping on his Sierra Nevada, with the sudden realization that the Blitzbokke were about to lose twice in the same weekend to Team USA.    Clutching that beer very tightly, he eyed the exit of the local pub wondering if it would be possible to slip out before anyone noticed his Bok jersey.

First of all a 19-12 “sharp punch to the nose with the clenched fist” in the final round robin game of the London Sevens to announce to the world that nobody can take an Eagles sevens team lightly anymore (editors note: I saw many a post this weekend remarking that the Blitzbokke “need only beat the Eagles” to win their group).  Then the Eagles follow it up on Sunday with a “kneel on your chest and repeatedly slap you in the face whilst delivering a wedgie” 22-5 dismissal in the plate semi-final to deliver the one of the great David and Goliath feel-good victories.

They might have made a hose of Iraq, but they got Twickenham pretty right this weekend.

While other blogs might be writing about the England defeat, the real story is most definitely how the plucky Americanos managed to pull it over the Boks twice in one weekend.  Yes, once is pretty impressive and can happen in the game of Sevens, but twice in a weekend is a bitch slap to your reputation.

America.  Here’s to you and your Bruce Springsteen.

Post final whistle, Bok jerseys were very quickly pulled off before heading to the subway.

Post final whistle, Bok jerseys were very quickly pulled off before heading to the subway.

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Waratahs’ hooker Polota-Nau releases his electro-pop EP on Soundcloud

23 Apr
TATAFU POLOTA-NAU

TATAFU POLOTA-NAU (Photo credit: paddynapper)

NSW front rower Polota-Nau has released his new single “Nightcall” under the stage name of “Kavinsky”.  Rolling Stone magazine has hailed it as a tour de force of new wave electro-pop and our first listen gives it an enthusiastic double thumbs up.  Apparently most of the album was written during the Waratah’s tour of South Africa and in particular this track, Nightcall, was penned after a grueling scrumming session followed by ten laps around the field and a set of crunchies.

The track is available for a listen here:

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Separated at Birth 19: Andries Strauss

8 Apr
Half time against the Brumbies is no time to lose your faith in humanity.

Half time against the Brumbies is no time to lose your faith in humanity.

Andries Strauss has been injecting a little Rick Grimes into his half time pep talks with the Southern Kings.  This is not a democracy!

Stormers fans to pretend they’re “not that into rugby” this week

31 Mar
What part of Christchurch are you from, son?

What part of Christchurch are you from, son?

After talking a good game in the office last week, Stormers fans will be pretending they’re “not that into” Super Rugby this week as they return to face their coworkers. It’s a time honored tradition in the Cape. All of a sudden there are lot more important things in life than rugby.

When faced with one of those irritating “kiwi” supporters here are a few lines to help you get through the week at office.

  • Oh, did the Stormers lose? Oh… That must be nice for you, seeing as you follow rugby and all that. Yeah… I don’t really get to make time for rugby. Are the Crusaders a good team? Where are they from?
  • Is your family from the North Island or the South Island?
  • I don’t get to watch games as I spend every weekend volunteering at a soup kitchen for orphans. It’s important to get my priorities in life right.
  • What part of Christchurch are you from, son? [then mutter in a soft whisper.... "C@ck!" as your coworker walks away.]. Note: if this coworker is in any way connected to paying your salary you should definitely say “Nothing” if they suddenly spin around and ask you to repeat what you just said.

If you are in a position of authority you don’t need any witty one liners at work this week. Just remember to put an incriminating note in the offending employee’s permanent HR file.

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Allister Coetzee has a message for Jake White

23 Mar

Seen in the Brumbies changing room after full time at Newlands on Saturday night….  Allister Coetzee confronting his former mentor Jake White:

Allister "I'm much stronger now" Coetzee

Allister “I’m much stronger now” Coetzee

Other comments heard from behind the scenes:

  • What part of Canberra are you from?
  • There are no rules!  It’s the Thunderdome baby!
  • “We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got, cause it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not, we’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love” (quoting the Bon Jovi albums they used to listen to during Rugby World Cup 2007)
  • “But quite frankly Jake your attitude appalls me. It’s not what you’re saying. It’s all this stuff you’re not saying. Insinnuendos” (having just watched Sexy Beast yet again).

What the hell happened to the Cheetahs?

17 Mar

Huh? Two consecutive wins in Australasia on tour.  The Cheetahs?  When did they become a team that wins comfortably on tour?

I knew they were onto a good thing when they hired Tony Soprano to be their coach.  But even the most optimistic Cheetahs fan wouldn’t have predicted that they’d be destroying office betting pools everywhere by winning in New Zealand and Australia.  They even stand a decent chance of coming back from Australasia with a 75% win record.

They’ve got some electric backs in Raymond Rhule and Sarel Pretorius, the child of promise at flyhalf in Johan Goosen. Adriaan Strauss is in the form of his life at the moment, and any squad that has Heinrich Brussouw in it… say no more.

Things are looking up for the men from Bloemfontein.

Now the last thing they need to fix is those cheerleaders… and after this weekend’s performance there is a rumour doing the rounds on the interwebs that Heidi Klum has put in an application for the Cheetahs cheerleaders.  They’re almost a complete team now.

Tony Soprano

Naka Drotske discussing tactics over a glass of wine with the Cheetahs “Brains Trust” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Things I forgot about Super Rugby during the off-season

1 Mar

With Round 2 of the 2013 Super 15 recently behind us, last weekend was when most of us got round to actually watching a game with a pint in hand. During the off-season, I forgot a few things that just one weekend of rugby brought back freshly to my mind. Here is my list:

  • just how little Pierre Spies does in a rugby game, besides doing his impersonation of the movie poster “This is Sparta!”
  • just how much I hate Hugh Bladen’s commentary
  • that watching the Stormers play is like getting into an Ingmar Bergman existentialist 4 hour movie
  • that Joel Stansky’s voice sounds like a camel being put through a woodchipper
  • In office pools, always bet on the home team unless the Crusaders or the Lions (ooo too soon?) are involved
  • Bryan Habana tends to go entire seasons without being able to catch a rugby ball
  • Wynand Olivier’s hair never ceases to amaze me
  • One can never overstate just how depressing and uninspiring the Cheetahs cheerleaders are
  • Who the hell is doing the Vodacom advertising and what are they smoking?!
  • My Nick Mallet man-crush (who else speaks truth to power?).
    2012 Super Rugby season

    2012 Super Rugby season (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

     

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Blue Bulls release musical crime against nature: Stand by Me

18 Feb

In what critics are calling “a crime against nature” the Bulls have released a version of themselves singing “Stand by Me”.  See the video below:

After viewing this, I can only say…

What the fuck?

In an attempt to restore some musical dignity to South African rugby franchises, the Southern Kings have released their own music video in response.  Most fans prefer the Kings’ track by a large margin.

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Brok Harris releases his Indie Folk album on YouTube

9 Feb
After a long season in the flyhalf channel for the Stormers, prop Brok Harris likes to spend his time looking for a "new sound".

After a long season in the flyhalf channel for the Stormers, prop Brok Harris likes to spend his time looking for a “new sound”.

You may know Brok Harris as the prop for the Stormers, the front rower reluctant to join rucks and mauls, preferring instead the limelight of the flyhalf channel, but you may not be aware that post-season he moonlights as indie folk rocker.

Our sources in the Stormers locker room tipped us off that Brok has been releasing a few indie folk singles on YouTube under the moniker “Bon Iver”.  The editorial team at Big Daddy Rugby just had to take a sneak peek and we have to stay we’re impressed!

With talent like this, no wonder Brok refuses to get involved at ruck time.  He could injure those magnificent musical hands of his.

Take a listen for yourself to what Brok has been up to:

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S15 preview: Get ready for the Southern Kings screwjob

5 Feb
Southern Kings

Southern Kings (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Southern Kings unfortunately decided to switch their logo at their last minute before the 2013 season kicked off.  The more fitting image of a baby seal being clubbed to death was replaced with something resembling 4 Bic pens randomly sprouting towards the sky.

2013 is not going to pretty for this franchise.  You’ve got to feel for them.  Consider how the  South African rugby administration has set them up to fail.

  • SARU dicking around for most 2011 and 2012 and not making it clear which teams would be participating (how do you recruit when you don’t know which teams will be in or out?)
  • The Lions refusing to loan any players to the Kings, despite the fact that they were offered to all the other South African franchises.
  • Only giving the Kings one season to stay afloat in the S15 (who wants to sign for a team that will finish last and be relegated?)
  • SARU refusing to relax the foreign quota limit for the Kings in light of the above (it was waived for the Melbourne Rebels by the ARU).  Would have been great to see a few more Kenyans in this squad.

Yip, it’s pretty much a certainty they are going to be on the receiving end of some massive hidings.  Away from home, you’d be brave to bet against them conceding 100 points somewhere along the way.  The really irritating thing here, is that would have been great to see a good side playing out of P.E.

Players to watch this season: Luke Watson and … um… I am pretty sure there are one or two other decent players, aren’t there?

If they had a theme song by Leonard Cohen it would be: ”Never Any Good”.

Prospects for 2013: Nuclear holocaust.

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The Lions 2013: a game of thrones

20 Jan

 

 

After finding themselves on the wrong end of SARFU backroom dealings, the Lions will not be participating in this year’s Super 15.    This weekend saw them taking on the less fancied Russian national team at Ellis Park as part of a completely rejigged schedule for 2013.   Johan Ackermann  and management have had to scramble to organise “decent” opponents to keep the squad sharp for the promotion-relegation layoffs later this year.

They have cobbled together a tournament of sorts now being referred to as “the Game of Thrones”.

 

 

 

Here are the fixtures and opponents as far as we can tell:

 

 

 

  • February 2, 2013:  Lions v Sweet Valley Primary School under 13B rugby team (“C” team not available that weekend)
  • February 15, 2013: Lions v Meadowridge Baptist Youth Group (game moved to Friday to accommodate ”lift” arrangements with parents)
  • March 8, 2013:  Lions v USA invitational (away game).
  • March 15, 2013:  Lions v North America invitational (away game)
  • April 13, 2013: Lions v car guards at Shoprite-Checkers (match to be played under “Southern Suburbs rules”)
  • April 20, 2013: Lions v Peoples Republic of Korea followed by Lions v Peoples Republic of Hout Bay (a despot double header!)
  • April 27, 2013: Lions v Wales.

 

Shooo… if you’re a season ticket holder best sell them now, before your potential buyers get a look at this fixture list.

 

Lions (rugby union)

Lions (rugby union) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

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2012 A Springbok Scorecard

28 Nov

The Springbok season is over and it is time to pull out the scorecard.

Best Player:

Duane Vermeulen, who is rapidly approaching “players who may not be criticized on this blog” status.

Best Hair:

Jannie “Eagles Roadie” Du Plessis.

Player who looked best in shorts:

Andries Strauss (pulling off the naughty standard 6 schoolboy look)

Player who looked worst in shorts:

Flip Van der Merwe.

The annual “Hansie Cronje” award for embarrassing your country:

Dean MacGyver Greyling.  Not just for the most atrocious “impact” performance seen on a rugby field, but also for having the middle name MacGyver (editor: this one we didn’t make up).

Moment we knew the Boks were going to have a rubbish season:

Pick any of the following:

(a) When Zane Kirchner was picked in the starting line up for the first test

(b) Half time against Argentina in Argentina

(c) When you saw Heyneke still had his GI Joe haircut at the first press conference

(d) When Heyneke uttered the words “if you execute plan A well enough, you don’t need a plan B.”

The Percy Montgomery “booed by your own fans” award:

Morne Steyn.

Best commentator/analyst:

Nick Mallet.  He may just be my new hero.  Please just bring up ticket prices for international matches one more time, Nick.

Worst commentator/analyst:

Arnie “A game of two halves/strangely orange” Geerdts.

Match that put everything in perspective:

Tonga beat Scotland by roughly the same margin as the Boks did the week before.  That should shut up the “a win is a win” brigade.

Overall assessment: “E” for a Fail.  With the talent available to the Boks, 2012 was not good enough.  We also call BS on the “this was a relatively young team” excuse.  That’s second only to “judge me on the World Cup” in terms of desperation.

It has been rumoured that as a child Duane Vermeulen wrote the original screenplay that David Lynch went on to use as “Twin Peaks”.

Andrew Hore shows his dirty side

27 Nov

The Kiwis shows that it isn’t just the Boks who can disgrace their nation on the rugby field.   Hang in for 30 seconds to see the dirty deed.  Yip, that’s not on.

 

Ouch.

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Scotland v South Africa

18 Nov

That was embarrassing.  Watching Pat Lambie forced to imitate Morne Steyn and the Boks playing such dull and uninspiring brand of rugby really got me depressed.  I can’t have been the only one who found myself switching the channel away from the Bok match.

Heyneke Meyer has been blessed with the most talented pool of players to pick from, probably in Bok history.  Which former coach has had the ability to choose a flyhalf from between Goosen, Lambie and Jantjies?  Can you imagine what Mallet would have done with those players?  Which coach would have been so idiotic as to look at this list of talent and then pick Morne “the revolving turnstile” Steyn for half a season?

At first it was kind of funny to see Meyer persist with Zane Kirchner at fullback, now seeing Zane Kirchner lining up during the anthems is just sad, depressing and lonely.  Ruan Pienaar clears the ball from a ruck about as fast as a pensioner at the Meadowridge Park n Shop ATM.

We should be putting fifty on the Scots.  Not talking about how a “win is a win”.  Pathetic.

BDR Fashion – The Jannie du Plessis look

13 Nov

In a new series on BDR we discuss how to get that look of iconic players.

We start with current Springbok tighthead, Dr Jannie and that hard to get “Eagles Roadie” look that Jannie has been pulling off all year:

  • Obtain ironic “80′s metal band” tshirt for use on nights on the town.
  • Apply day old chip fat and rub liberally in your hair (alternatively a litre of day old peanut oil will do)
  • Lean casually against a wall in any situation
  • Drop cryptic references to “life on the farm” in any conversation
  • Faded denims (torn at the knee)
  • A pair of Doc Martins
  • Axe Body Spray

 

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The inner thoughts of Duane Vermeulen

11 Nov

During the national anthem:

  • The end of “Inception”.  I just got it!
  • Barbecue sauce… or pepperoni?
  • Sooo… Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time?  WTF?
  • Quantum Leap.  Now THAT was a great show.

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Scotland’s blueprint to take on the All Blacks leaked to the press

8 Nov

Scotland’s coach Andy Robinson is reportedly furious after his coaching blueprint to take on the heavily favoured world champion All Blacks was leaked  to the press this week after one of the players left a copy in a nightclub after a bender.

Here is what Scotland are planning to do to counter NZ this weekend:

  • Braveheart marathon on Friday night (yeah!)
  • Morning of the game: squad listens to Metallica’s Master of Puppets album
  • Energy bars and espressos for everyone
  • First twenty minutes of the game: “take ‘em on up front!” (coach’s words)
  • Rest of the game: … (we have nothing.  Impovise potentially?)

Andy is not pleased.  Now NZ know how to prepare for Scotland.

Damnit! They stole my ideas!

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Heyneke shocks nation by not picking entire Bulls squad for Bok tour

29 Oct

Heyneke Meyer dropped a bombshell on the South African public this weekend by not picking the entire Bulls squad for the 30 man touring party to the UK.

When asked about why he made the controversial decision not to pick 30 Blue Bulls to tour, he had the following to say:

“Look, let’s be honest.  With the Bulls finishing 4th out of 6 teams and when you consider that one of the teams that finished above the Bulls doesn’t even qualify to play Super Rugby next year, you must know I was under a lot of pressure to pick all thirty Bulls players to represent South Africa.

I was quite close to picking Gio Aplon and Deon Fourie, I must admit, since they are technically much better than some of the current squad, but then I was talking to my assistant coaches and one of them pointed out that Jano Vermaak once dated one of the sisters of one of the other Bulls players, so how I could leave him out?  Also, Zane and Morne both have copies of those photos that were taken of me the night that Bulls won the Super Rugby title.  You know, where we had the after party… with the thing… and the other thing.  So I pretty much have to pick them.

But still.  I can squeak in a few non-Bulls players.  I mean, I am a Bulls, er, I mean Bok coach, after all.  That’s my right.  At least that’s what the Blue Bulls Rugby Union tells me I can do.”

Shocking.

Heyneke. Making a career out of pissing off Nick Mallett.

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