New Zealand vs France: Final Preview: Au revoir Marc!

Regardless of what you think of the French teams’ displays at this World Cup you’d be lying if you said Lievremonts’ presence didn’t add a little “joie de vivre” to the whole affair.

From a pure entertainment level we’re happy to give Marc a solid 8/10 for his efforts. In fact, for a coach who was informed that he would be out of a job before the tournament even began, we here at Big Daddy Rugby reckon that Marc has acted with considerable restraint and shown great courage in what must have been a rather testing time for him.

Bravo Monsieur! Bravo indeed!

With regards to a preview for “Le Big Game”, well I have it on good authority that Marc will be dressing appropriately for the occasion.

Here’s an exclusive sneak peak of his look for Sunday…

Marc Lievremont: ne regarde mes fesses grand en cela?


Dear Dr Jannie: The 6th Letter

Dear Dr Jannie,

I love my husband very much but lately it seems that his only interests in life are watching rugby and drinking beer.

We’ve just recently moved into a new house and there’s a lot that needs doing around the place, but with the games being on so early in the morning and with his insistence on having a few beers whilst watching them, absolutely nothing is getting done! It’s REALLY driving me mad!

Are all men like this Dr Jannie? What happened to the sensitive caring man I married?

Please help Dr Jannie! I want my sweet old Jermaine back!

Deeply Frustrated.  

Dear Deeply Frustrated,

When Bismarck and I were growing up on the farm the highlight of our school holidays was when Groot Oupa would take us on a trip into town for what he liked to call a “Cultural Experience”.

We’d get dressed up, which meant wearing something other than just PE shorts, and set off down the dirt road in the back of his Bakkie, whilst munching on some of Mummy’s special Pad Kos.

On one particular occasion we were especially excited to learn that we were headed for the Civic Theatre to see a student production of the famous musical “Cats”! Bismarck and I had never seen a musical before let alone set foot inside a theatre, so as I’m sure you can imagine we were a bundle of nerves beforehand.

As the first half of the show was drawing to a close Bismarck lent over to me and whispered in my ear: “Hey Jannie, you dick, check what I’ve got!”. I looked down towards his lap and there in his hand was Groot Oupa’s whiskey hip-flask. Before I could say anything he’d vanished from his seat and was making a beeline towards the mens’ bathroom.

About 25 minutes into the second half the auditorium doors flew open and Bismarck staggered in. He had a horrible brown stain down the front of his shirt and it was quite clear to all that he was blind drunk. Groot Oupa looked furious and tried to signal for him to leave the theatre but unfortunately Bismarck seemed hypnotized by the rhythms of the music and stumbled towards its source.

It was a crucial part of the show, just as Mr Mistoffelees was about to perform his dance solo when Bismarck stormed onto the stage and made a pathetic attempt to tackle him. Mr Mistoffelees stood unmoved as Bismarck fell to the floor laughing hysterically and shouting: “Jannie, you diiiiick! Look at me! I’m a staaar! I’m a staaar!”.

The crowd erupted in a chorus of boos and security was called to escort us from the building.

Naturally, we were banned from ever returning again and that put an end to our “Cultural Experience” trips with Groot Oupa.

I hope this story helps you to realise just how lucky you are to have a man like Jermaine in your life.

Go well,

Dr Jannie.

Wales vs France Semi Final Preview

I really want Wales to win the whole damn thing now…but ever since Lievremont started sporting his fabulous ‘tache I’m finding myself rather confused…and now he’s gone and shaved his head! Merde Marc, merde!

I shudder to think what he’s got in store for us if France reach the final…

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

 Wales by 10.

Pierre Spies: If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands!

Hiya peeps!

Firstly, I just want to express how totally humbled and honoured I am that the super hot guys over at Big Daddy Rugby have asked to me help out with some grooming tips for you, our beautiful readers. I’m soooo stoked!

It was such a bummer to lose to the Aussies on Sunday and their call couldn’t have come at a better time (I was in the middle of an intense pedicure – I know! Totally weird, hey?) I guess the Universe just works in mysterious ways!!

Anyways, it was a total no brainer for me and I said “YES!!! YESSSSSS BIG DADDY, YES!!!” immediately.

A lot of peeps label me as being rather one dimensional and a few folk even say some really nasty things about me like: “He’s a one trick pony”, or “He’s nothing but a fancy boy” and even “I wouldn’t let him near my sister”, so I’m grateful for this opportunity to set the record straight and to show just how much of an exotic creature I actually am!

Soooo, first up let’s deal with a question that I get asked all the time: “Pierre, how do you look so clean and fresh after playing a hard game of rugby?”

LOL!!! Silly Billy’s! It’s the oldest trick in the book, it’s sooo obvious! The key here beautiful readers, is to make yourself look busy, without actually doing anything;) Give off the illusion that you’re involved when in fact mentally you’re a thousand miles away, sipping a strawberry daiquiri under a palm tree wearing your favourite speedo whilst listening to a Michael Bolton box set. Easy peasy.

Mental visualisation really helps during boring old line outs...

Of course a lot depends on your work environment, but don’t fret my petals, set yourself small goals, don’t get flustered and I promise, soon you too will be doing absolutely zip whilst coming across as being an integral part of any team.

It really is that easy. Be brave, be bold, but most importantly…be ME!!!

I guess you’ll all need some time to digest this little nugget of wisdom, so let’s leave it at that for this week my darlings. I certainly don’t want to overwork you 😉

In closing I’d like to leave you with an inspirational quote from the great Shing Xiong, which has had a huge impact on my life: “In the end, it’s not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away”! Wow! Isn’t that just amazing?! Lets meditate on that for a moment…Ok, I’m done.

Shhhh! The coach thinks that these things are heavy!

Until next time…missing you already….

Mwah Mwah!


Classic Kiwi quotes…

In preparation for the NZ v Aus game this weekend I thought I’d getting things rolling with a few classic Kiwi quotes* from the last couple of years.

There’s some real beauties here, which should hopefully help with any foul moods that are still lingering from what shall now be referred to as “Black Sunday”

Tana Umaga – “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

Colin Cooper, Hurricanes head coach – “You guys line up alphabetically by height”. And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”

David Holwell – “I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first.”

Ma’a Nonu – “Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.”

Jerry Collins – “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”

Tony Brown – “That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.”

And then a couple of classics from everyone’s favourite Kiwi commentator Murray Mexted: 

Murray: Fighting hard against his natural instincts...

“Andy Ellis the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago”.

“He scored that try after only 22 seconds – totally against the run of play”.

“I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super14, but there are none better”.

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.”

And finally, the best for last…

“I don’t like these new rules because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him”.

* They probably said no such thing…but we don’t care. It’s kinda funny.

Wales v Ireland QF preview: You may as well just toss a coin…

Of all the quarter final matches this weekend I reckon the Wales v Ireland game is the toughest to call.

Quite simply both teams have looked “fecking great” so far, something I wasn’t expecting to being saying at this stage of the tournament.

I mean, before the first ball was kicked, how many of you would have put money on:

                    a) Ireland beating Australia?

                    b) Wales beating Fiji 66 – 0?

I’m guessing not a lot. I certainly didn’t.

To be honest Ireland looked fairly hopeless in their warm up games. They lost 4 from 4 remember? Seems a long way away from the rugby they’re playing now.

And what about the Welsh…well they did beat a somewhat experimental English team in Cardiff, but the question marks about their ability to mix it with the “Big Boys” and maybe more accurately, to mix it with “Big Boys” when it mattered still remained.

Fast forward a few weeks and what we have is an Irish team who basically “bitch slapped” the Aussies into submission (yes Aussie fans I realise there was no Pocock or Moore!!) and a Welsh side who have not only stepped up to the plate in terms of physicality (within 1 point of the Boks) but who have also managed to combine that with, gasp!, a little bit of attacking flair. Sexy Rugby, if you like.

These two sides are just so evenly matched and both have that not so insignificant factor the pros like to call “momentum”, that I just can’t decide which way I think it’s going to go.

What I can say though is that in Sean O’Brien and in Sam Warburton, in Brian O’Driscoll and in Jamie Roberts, in Tommy Bowe and in Shane Williams there are going to be some rather special players out on the field. Game of the weekend I reckon.

Is it too much of a cop-out to say that whatever the result, at end of the day as long as “rugby is the real winner” I’ll be happy? 😉

(Off the record: if I had a gun to my head and was forced to pick a winner I’d go with Ireland…only because my mate Mike is Irish and he’d be pissed if I tipped the Welsh).

It'll be tears for one of these two on Saturday...(don't let the Brazilian flag on her bosom fool you...she's a massive O'gara fan!)

Genius Hugh Bladen Impersonation

So it looks like I’ve missed the boat by quite some margin with this little beauty…but believe me, if you haven’t already seen this gem of a clip it’s most definitely worth the effort of clicking that ol’ left mouse button…

It’s 100% hands down the best Hugh Bladen impersonation I’ve ever seen…(it’s also the only impersonation of Hugh Bladen that I’ve ever seen…but don’t let that stop you…seriously, this is good!)

I probably need to give credit to although that website is no longer “up and running”…but regardless, there it is…

Also, if you’re offended by swearing, have small children near by, play in a worship band, or just generally don’t appreciate the fine art that is NSFW…then maybe it’s best to give this one a miss for now…

Over to Hugh…


Bryce Lawrence: Endorsements 101

Oh dear…I think someone might need to have a quiet word with “Dean from Dublin”…

I’m no expert but surely asking someone who’s consistently wrong to endorse you or your product isn’t the best move in the book?

Or is this just another example of that saying “There’s no such thing as bad publicity” ?

At least Bryce looks pretty relaxed…must be that “Deep sports’ massage” he’s just had…which I suppose kind of means that Dean is actually doing a pretty decent job…

Way to go Silas, you knob…


Francois Hougaard: How it all began

As a young boy Francois had very little interest in rugby. In fact one could go as far as to say that he actually hated the game.

Growing up on a small holding just outside of Paarl Francois’ interests were heavily influenced by his four older sisters and it didn’t take long for him to find his true passion in life…cheerleading.

Soon Francois was dedicating all of his free time to learning everything he could about this much under appreciated art form. He spent ages studying the techniques of the past greats, focusing on champion cheerleaders such as “Kurt McCurdy”, “Leroy De Kous-kous” and “Little Jonny Johnson”. His hunger for knowledge was matched only by his ambition to succeed.

All of his hard work soon paid off and it came as no surprise when Francois was named as Captain of his schools’ elite cheerleading squad at the tender age of just 15. Further success followed in the form of an invitation to try out for the U17 “Wynland Regions”  squad, an opportunity he made full use of by being named “Most Flexible Newcomer” that year.

After completing Matric Francois knew that the only way he could do justice to his burgeoning cheerleading talents would be by joining up with a professional cheerleading outfit, so when he heard that the “Bulls Babes” were auditioning he packed up his Mazda 323 and made a bee-line north for Pretoria.

Unfortunately Francois hadn’t realised that he lacked the essential “physical attributes” necessary to become a successful “Bulls Babe” and the audition was a complete disaster.

Thankfully though, fate had other plans for him and it surely wasn’t just a coincidence that both Victor Matfield and Frans Ludeke were in attendance that day, checking out the quality of the new talent on offer. His energetic and abrasive audition routine so impressed the two men that they offered him a trial run with the Bulls that very same day. Having no other viable options available to him Francois accepted and the rest, as they say, is history.

Rugby has been kind to Francois and although he’s risen to the top of the game it’s a poorly kept secret that his heart still belongs to cheerleading.                    Keep an eye on him the next time he plays and you’ll more than likely notice him lustily staring at the cheerleaders as they go about their business…

Longing…wanting…sometimes even softly weeping…

Francois' favourite cheer: 1,2,3,4...Let me hear you scream some more...GO BULLE!!!

Ronan O’Gara tells it like it is

Are you tired of clichéd post match interviews?                                                                  Tired of hearing the same old regurgitated lines match after match?

Well then click away and allow Ronan O’Gara to change your perception of how moving and honest a post match interview can actually be.

Fantastic display by the Irish on Saturday morning! Those boys pretty much made my weekend, even taking the Boks clinical performance against the Fijians into account.

High Five to you Ronan for letting your guard down and allowing yourself to come across like an actual human being instead of just another media trained, PR managed, vacuous sports playing bore.

I’ll have some more of this please…


The real Mike Tindall scandal

As I’m sure you all know, we here at Big Daddy Rugby pride ourselves on journalistic integrity and only cover stories that we know to be 100% factually true.

We’re more than happy to leave the sensationalism and mud-slinging to the tabloids and to rather just focus on delivering you, our readers, with accurate, informative rugby related articles.

That’s why we’re not doing a piece on how Mike Tindall had a few “sherberts” and then entertained himself with a little bit of harmless dwarf tossing in Queenstown the other night.  We see no point in mentioning that the recently royal wedded English Captain was also spotted deep in “conversation” with a rather fetching, young, busty blonde on that very same night. (And no, it wasn’t Lewis Moody).

We’re really not interested. Our standards are higher than that. Much higher.

Instead we’d like to focus on the state of his nose. Have you seen that conker?! My word! That’s a real “deal breaker” right there. I’m guessing it’ll be “touched up” when his rugby playing days finally come to an end? Surely?

Watch out you Georgians, that thing could do some serious damage out on the field!

Is that a nose on your face or are you just happy to see me?

John “Comandante” Smit: My people love me…

After the roller-coaster ride that was Sundays’ game Big Daddy Rugby was fortunate enough to be granted a private audience with none other than the Springbok Captain, John “Comandante” Smit.

The informal chat took place in a bunker deep below the Wellington “Cake Tin” stadium where the beleaguered Captain was holed up with a few of his bodyguards and a couple of bottles of his favourite Old Brown Sherry.

The atmosphere in the room was tense and we were instructed beforehand that eye contact was to be kept to an absolute minimum and to ensure that we addressed him as “Comandante” at all times.

It’s been a tough last few months for the 2007 World Cup winning Captain, with a growing number of fans back home becoming more and more disgruntled with the state of the national team, and in particular his dismissal of mounting global pressure to step down from the team and head off into exile.

When asked about his suitability to lead the Springboks at this World Cup he laughed loudly and said “We put our fingers in the eyes of those who doubt that the Boks are ruled by anyone other than its people”.

Asked to clarify this statement he shot back: “They love me. All my people with me. They love me all. They would die to protect me”.

He seemed unconcerned about the pressure being applied by Bismarck du Plessis for a starting place in the team, and spoke of fans calling for his retirement as “It is betrayal, they have no morals! Let them be eaten by hungry dogs!”

The “Comandante” also alleged that those questioning his importance to the team “were under the influence of drugs supplied by outsiders” and that they are unable to think like “normal rational human beings”.

Unfortunately, that was pretty much all we were able to get from the “Comandante” on this occasion. As the mood lightened and the conversation started to flow so to did the Old Brown Sherry. Lots and lots of Old Brown Sherry in fact. We’re still not entirely sure if it was Smokeys’ attempt at the Macarena or Silas’s challenge to a “stare down” that tipped him over the edge, but regardless the “Comandante” was not impressed and our nice little chat came to a rather abrupt end…which is maybe something that the “Comandante” might want to consider for himself, no?

Comandante Smit: Taking half time team talks to the next level...

The secret to the Wallabies success

So, a lot is being said and written about the Wallabies at the moment with rugby journalists world-wide giving their opinions on what makes this bunch of players a seriously formidable unit.

The Reds were worthy Super 15 winners and now with the Tri-Nations in the bag I think it’s safe to say that our Aussie friends are clearly doing something right.

The thing is though I’m not in agreement with all this talk of how Robbie Deans has instilled a sense of “Kiwi discipline” in the side nor do I buy into the theory that handing the captaincy to James Horwill has somehow given the team that extra bit of mongrel that was apparently lacking under Elsom’s reign.

I think it’s a whole simpler than that.

Anyone else notice that our friends in yellow (it’s not gold guys) have stopped singing the campfire favourite that is “Waltzing Matilda” at their home games?
Gone is the fellow with the bright yellow scarf and acoustic guitar who I’m sure had the best of intentions, but unfortunately managed to suck any life and intensity out of a game just minutes before kick off.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the tune, it’s catchy, but it’s certainly not rousing or inspirational, is it? Compare it with “Ireland’s Call” and you’ll see what I mean.

“Waltzing Matilda” kind of makes me feel like putting my feet up, cracking open another beer and hanging out with some good friends, something the Aussie boys clearly love doing, but maybe not the best idea right before a game of test match rugby, no?

I don’t know, it’s clearly an Aussie thing (evidenced in the video clip below),  all I know is that they’re playing some awesome rugby at the moment, and managing to do so without the help of a little waltz before hand.


Private Conversations: Dick Muir & Gary Gold

If you keep an eye on International news you’ll know that there’s been a bit of a “skandaal” over in the UK recently regarding some naughty “journalists” hacking into people’s’ phones and recording the conversations. It’s a bold move, sure,  but it’s also an old move. Phone Hacking has been an integral part of our operations at Big Daddy Rugby for a while now and we like to think of ourselves as pioneers in the field.

So, after very little discussion and largely due to the current piss poor state of SA Rugby we’ve decided to get our own back and release some of the transcripts of the many conversations we’ve recorded.
The people have a right to know!

We kick things off with an intimate chat between Gary Gold and Dick Muir on the eve of the Durban Test against the Aussies:

Dick Muir: Hey, what’s up, Golden Child?

Gary Gold: Hey Dickhead, not a lot really, just checking in to see what you’re up to? I’m pretty bored.

DM: Ja, me too. Not much happening here, man. I should be working on my team talk but I can’t really be arsed. Think I’m just gonna say the same thing as always and feed the guys the line about having “pride in the jersey” blah, blah, blah.

GG: Ja, that’ll work. Most of the guys put their headphones on when you speak anyways, so I don’t think it really matters what you say.

DM: Ja, I suppose you’re right, the ungrateful punks. I mean I’m the backline coach, the bloody BACKLINE COACH, and these guys all think that they know better!? Well they can learn the hard way then. Don’t tell Div, but I’ve put a few Rands on the Aussies doing us tomorrow.

GG: Don’t worry about it Dickhead, Div and I did the same thing, nothing too extreme though. There’s no harm in a little wager every now and then is there?

DM: Listen Golden Child, um, do you mind not calling me Dickhead anymore?

GG: What?!

DM: Ja, I don’t know man, it’s kind of a bit rude isn’t it? And it also sort of undermines me in front of the players, you know?

GG: No ways!! The guys love it! I thought you did too?

DM: Nah, not really man.

GG:Agh, ok, I suppose. How about Mr Dickhead then?

Just plain ol' Dick...

DM:umm, no.                        

GG:Little Dickie?  

DM: No, no.

GG: Me ol’ Cocker? 

DM: What?                                     

GG: Cock of the walk?

DM: What?! What are you talking about?

GG: Johnson? Shaft? Woody-Wood Pecker?

DM: Ja, look, I’m not really that keen on any of those names hey. I think just call me Dick. That’ll be fine.

GG: Just plain ol’ Dick?

DM: Ja, just plain ol’ Dick, that’s cool.

GG: Hmm, Ok man, whatever you say. Listen, I gotta bust, Showgirls is about to start and I really don’t want to miss the beginning.

DM: OK, Golden Child, catch you at breakfast tomorrow.

GG: Cool, cheers Dickhead. Oh, sorry….Dick.

Call ended.

15 reasons to feel positive about the Boks

For those of us who are tired of all the negativity surrounding the Springboks at the moment, I thought I’d put on my limited edition SuperSport presenters shirt and give us fans a list of the positives that can be taken from Saturdays game.

I’ll approach this from a player level and hopefully show that it’s not all doom and gloom for the Boks at the World Cup just yet.

– 15 France Steyn – (see what I did there?) Sporting his fabulous new avant-garde cinema nouveau look, we’re at least guaranteed not to be the ugliest team in the competition. It’s edgy and mysterious and I like it! Fingers crossed Dick pulls him aside and mentions the “weight” issue though. Fattie and Arty may rhyme but that doesn’t mean it’s a good combo looks-wise for a Springbok.

– 14 JP – I’m pretty sure he played. In my Corenza C / Black Label induced haze I remember him being pinged for holding on, but other than that he was a ghost. If you’re not involved it’s hard to be penalised right? Good thinking by the coaching staff…next up the “stealth try!”

– 13 Jaque – Looked like he was actually trying. Good use of hand signals and shouting instructions at team mates. Attempted the “Element of Surprise” move fairly well by running from his own in-goal area in the first half, which almost had Dick choking on his boerie roll.

– 12 JDV – Great display of passion when singing the National Anthem. He’s also taller than Pat McCabe.

– 11 Habana – Good tackle on the little Aussie number 9 in the 2nd half. Also managed to break one himself in the first 40, something he hasn’t done in the last 8 tests. Looks better with a little stubble too. It almost makes the opposition take him seriously.

– 10 Butch – Only missed one kick AND managed not to get a yellow card. Bonus! Also managed to keep things predictably simple for his fellow back line players by doing pretty much the same thing whenever he got the ball.

– 9  FdP – Picked up from where he left off by being more interested in talking to the ref than actually playing the game. Continued in conversation with Bryce on Twitter afterwards too. All part of the bigger picture and the Boks “Ref Management” strategy for the World Cup.

-8  Spies – Was an animal out there! A medium-sized domesticated animal sure, but still! Had a couple of good runs whilst we had a scrum. Get ready for those energy drink ads again.

– 7  Danie – Helped a lot of the guys carry their kit bags from the bus to the changing rooms. No one does donkey work quite like our Danie.

– 6  Heinrich – Made a turnover, didn’t get injured and scared the crap out of the Aussies with his best Tasmanian Devil impression.

– 5  Big Vic – Clearly all the hard work done on his kicking has paid off! Slotted into the backline seamlessly. Also managed to sound marginally better than Stransky in the post match interview.

– 4  Bakkies – Didn’t get carded or cited after the game. Responded to being spear tackled early on with great restraint and only the use of his elbow.

– 3  The Good Doctor – Looked WAAAAY better than John at prop when he came back on late in the 2nd half. And people say he can’t really scrum?! Kept Bryce guessing as to who was going to ground first in the early engagements. Job done.

– 2  Gaddafi – Smit – line-out throwing was good. selflessly allowed the team to almost get going again by going off injured towards the end of the game.

– 1   The Beast – Kept the crowd interested, made a few tackles, made a few runs, looked the best in the new BMW shorts.

Add to that the fact that we “only lost on the scoreboard” and, well, we’re surely on the right track folks. Glory is just around the corner.

A glimpse into the future: John Smit at the 2015 World Cup

Dear Dr Jannie: The 5th Letter

Dear Dr Jannie, 

I’m not sure if you can help me but I’ve no one else to turn to.

My Father is something of a control freak and added to that he’s an extremely successful lawyer. I’ve had my entire life mapped out for me since I can remember and now find myself in a very unsatisfying position of climbing the ladder in a career that I neither care about nor have any interest in whatsoever.

I’m tired of trying to be someone who my Father wants me to be. I can’t live up to his standards. I’m 99% sure that if I open up to him he won’t understand and that our already rocky relationship will cease to exist completely.

Help me Dr Jannie, please help me!

Aching to be free.


Dear Aching to be free,

When Bismarck and I were growing up on the farm Mummy used to keep track of our good behaviour with a star chat which she kept pinned to the kitchen wall. The concept was simple: 5 gold stars would result in a reward for the well-behaved son, but on the flip side even the most minor of indiscretions would lead to a star being removed from the offending bad boys’ total.

For a number of reasons, one being his uncontrolled rage, Bismarck never quite managed to crack the magic number of 5 gold Stars, and I knew it was starting to bug him. I can clearly remember seeing the burning jealousy on his face one evening as I enjoyed the prize of an extra plate of meat at supper: “Eat up Fatty” he hissed at me before storming off from the table in a huff.

After that Bismarck really made an effort to keep his anger bottled up and to appear like a normal boy. Eventually his hard work paid off in the form of 4 gold stars, his best achievement yet. One more star and he would’ve been seen as the “Good Son”, something I wasn’t about to let happen.

Now I knew that the easiest way to get Bismarck to snap would be by mentioning something saucy about “Antjie” and decided that the supper table would be the perfect place for this happen. That night, to get things rolling I gave his shin a sharp kick under the table and followed it up with a cheeky extended index finger. Then, when Mummy wasn’t looking I turned to Bismarck and whispered: “I saw Anjtie in her bikini down at the dam“, sat back and waited for the fireworks to begin. About 5 seconds passed before he suddenly shot up from his seat, grabbed a fistful of mashed potato and slammed it into my face whilst screaming: “Eat this Jannie, you dick!!! Eat this!”. Mummy cried out in horror and before I knew it Groot Opua had wrestled Bismarck into a “Camel Clutch Headlock”,  which as I’m sure you can imagine brought  about a swift end to our supper.

Needless to say Bismarck never made the step up to the “Good Son”, and although I’m not particularly proud of my actions, I do believe that sometimes good boys do need to play dirty.

Be who you need to be “Aching to be free”, and go well!

Dr Jannie

On the road with Chilli Boy: 3

My best "Pretending to be listening to Dick" face...

Hi gang,

Well firstly, sorry about Saturday’s game. 40-7 isn’t pretty, is it? And while we’re at it 33 missed tackles isn’t great either, right? Yeah, we know…but as Coach Div says, sh&t happens…

But do you really want to know what isn’t pretty? Do you want to know what’s 1000 times worse than 33 missed tackles? Do you??

How does having Crowded House playing 24 / 7 sound to you? I’m talking about Crowded House playing on every radio station, Crowded House playing in every restaurant, in our hotel lobby, in our hotel rooms, on every TV channel,  when I switch the bathroom lights on, when I flush the toilet, outside my window at night when I’m trying to fall asleep…everywhere you go in this country it’s FRICKIN’ CROWDED HOUSE !!!

I know the Kiwi’s love to moan about the whole “Susie” fiasco back in ’95, but this is really taking things to the next level. Honestly, a lot of the boys were really quite upset by it, so much so in fact that Dean Greyling almost didn’t take to the field on Saturday. He was badly shook up and only an impromptu acoustic performance of “Hier kom die Bokke” by Gary in the changing room minutes before kick-off managed to snap him out of his zombie like trance. (By the way, Gary also does a pretty mean version of “Toxic” by Britney, which is available for download at his myspace page ). It’s not an excuse for our performance, but our fans back home have a right to know just how challenging it is to play rugby in New Zealand.

I’m not going to lie to you folks, it’s been a tough old tour, but on the plus side there have been a few valuable lessons learnt, for example:

  •  If John asks you at dinner whether you’re done with your chips, you say “Yes”.
  • Always allow the air to settle for a  full 15 minutes before using the bathroom after Flip.
  • Never take what Coach Div says literally.
  • Always have your headphones handy when it’s Dicks’ turn to speak.
  • Don’t allow Ruan to get started talking about his “European Awakening”. He’ll never shut up.
  • Don’t challenge Danie at SingStar or Wynand at Twister.
  • Don’t allow Ashley to borrow any hair products.
  • Don’t lock yourself out of your hotel room wearing only a pair of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles underpants.
  • And possibly the most important one of all, delete all Crowded House tracks from any portable music players immediately!

Well folks, it’s been a pleasure writing to you all over the last few weeks. We’re really excited about getting back home and catching up on what we’ve missed in Binnelanders. Apologies again for not being able to sneak a win on the road. We tried. Sort of.

Until next time,


On the road with Chilli Boy: 2

Aagh, sies man Flip!

Howdy folk…

Let’s not beat around the bush here shall we, Saturdays’ game was a complete and utter cock up on our behalf.

The boys were all totally gutted afterwards and the locker room was a pretty somber place to be, at least that was the case until Flip let rip with the biggest fart that I have ever heard in my life! It wasn’t intentional, I think it had something to do with all those supplements they make us take in the build up to a big game.
Anyways, whatever the cause was it certainly lightened the mood and soon everyone was laughing and joking around again. Even Coach Div and Dick got into the spirit of things by seeing who could make the best fart sounds with their mouths. They had us all in stitches we were laughing so hard! If there’s one thing that this coaching team has taught us it’s to not let a Test Match loss stop us from having a good time.

The post match function that night was held at a really fancy hotel overlooking the Sydney Harbour. I’ve known some of the Aussie boys for awhile now so I had a pretty good idea of how much booze would be available and thus prepared myself before hand by eating a loaf of bread.
Poor old Hargreaves wasn’t as smart as me and had a rather unfortunate “accident” in the gents, which actually I probably shouldn’t even be mentioning here. (Don’t worry Ally, I’m sure that stain will come right out).

It had been a long week and alot of the younger players were exhausted and so opted for bed straight after dinner. Those of us who still had a little energy left headed straight up to Wynand and Danies’ room for the traditional “Boks on tour” game of SingStar.
You might not believe it but Danie is pretty much untouchable when it comes to the game and has been the reigning Bok champ since SingStar “Take That” was released back in 2009. Although he’ll never admit to it his rendition of “Back for good” once brought Bakkies to tears. Yes, he’s that good.

Well readers, I think that’s about it  from me for now. All is well here in Wellington, if you discount the fact that we’re playing the All Blacks in a few days time. I’m sooo not looking forward to this one.

Until next time!


On the road with Chilli Boy

Greetings all from a cold and wet Sydney!

It’s a great feeling to be part of the Bok set up again and the boys are all really excited about Saturdays game. Although there’s a number of new faces in the squad everyone is getting on just fine, with tempers flaring only when a decision had to be made about who would share a room with Ashley. He’s a nice enough guy and all, but there’s something very upsetting about his hair. Plus, he doesn’t shut up about it either!
It’s a pity Kirchner’s not on tour as he could have made himself useful for once by bunking up with him and taking one for the team. Oh well…

We had a great practice session yesterday with a lot of intensity on display. Us forwards finished up a little earlier but I stayed on behind to watch the backs go through some of their training drills.
Dick really is an amazing backline coach. He’s come up with this crazy, fresh new move where the guys run forward in a straight line whilst passing the ball. It was pretty amazing to watch and there were a lot of high fives when they eventually pulled it off. Needless to say we were all on a massive high after that!

Everyone knows that one of the key elements of a successful tour is for the players to bond together as a group, so after dinner we usually have a team building excercise. Last night Gary suggested that we watch “Braveheart” in the hope that seeing each other weep would bind us together like nothing else. A couple of the guys weren’t so keen and suggested the Bruce Willis film “Armageddon” instead, but John refused as it was the film the team watched just before the World Cup final, and he likes to save it for “special occasions”.

Well, I think I better leave it at that for the moment. I’ve just heard that Wynand and Danie are having a game of Twister up in their room. Those guys rock!

Until next week!

Chilli Boy.

The “Golf Boys” get things rolling

A little while ago Big Daddy Rugby put together a list of potential “playas” who could make up Rugby Unions’ very first boy band.

Well it looks like a number of golfers from the PGA read that piece and decided that they best act quickly in order to beat the rugby boys and get their single out into the market place first.

It’s an excellent first effort from the “Golf Boys”, but I believe that the first single, “Straight into touch” from our boys“Quick Ball” – will put them in the shade.

Look out for it folks, it’s going to be ground breaking stuff!


Dear Dr Jannie: The 4th Letter

Dear Dr Jannie,

I’ve probably made the biggest mistake of my life and I really need your help!

A couple of weeks ago my best friend was out of the country on business. I was home alone one evening when his girlfriend of 6 years stopped by to pick up some DVD’s. Now there’s always been a bit of chemistry between the two of us but nothing’s ever happened and I never expected anything to.
I don’t know what it was that night Dr Jannie, maybe it was the combination of a few glasses of red wine and the Bobby van Jaarsveld CD that I had playing on the stereo, but regardless, one thing led to another and the next thing I knew we were having intimate relations on the couch.

I feel sick to my stomach with guilt and have been avoiding my friend ever since he returned. I’m worried that if I tell him our friendship will be over, but at the same time I cannot continue to live in this state of anguish.

Please help!

Racked with guilt.


Dear Racked with guilt,

When Bismarck and I were growing up on the farm we were both secretly in love with the neighbouring farmers’ eldest daughter, Antjie.

She was a beautiful girl with lovely strawberry blonde hair and a real skill for operating a combine harvester. It was love at first sight for the both of us and I still remember the moment we first laid eyes on her like it was yesterday.

One afternoon as Bismarck and I were walking back from choir practice we saw Anjtie out in the field battling to get the harvester started. Bismarck dropped his satchel and turned to me and said: “Get lost Jannie you dick, I’ll take care of this one“, before disappearing in a cloud of dust.

Now normally I would have listened to Bismarck and just made my way back to the farmhouse, but love can make you do funny things and I wasn’t about to let him steal the show.

I tucked in my shirt, picked up his satchel and made my way over to Blitzkrieg’s enclosure, where I carefully placed the largest of his poops into Bismarcks’ bag. Initially, the idea was to let Bismarck find the nasty surprise for himself, but when I saw that he had taken off his shirt to help Antjie with the harvester I knew that that wouldn’t be enough. I walked over to where they were, said “Hi” to Antjie, gave her the satchel and asked her to let Bismarck know that Mummy wanted him home in 10 minutes for “bath time”.

Do what you need to do, Racked with guilt, and go well.

Dr Jannie.