All Black fly-half abducted by extra terrestrials in Buenos Aires

The All Blacks’ tail-between-legs thrashing of the Pumas this weekend may not have come as a big surprise to many, but revelations that replacement fly-half Aaron Cruden was abducted by extra-terrestrials during the match has raised a few eyebrows.

Despite there having been reports of other-worldly lights on the field towards the end of the match, many believed this to be a bizarre anomaly caused by the floodlights reflecting off Richie McCaw’s pearly-white teeth. Another explanation being offered is the possibility of refracted beams of sunshine, which have been known to occasionally shine out of Dan Carter’s arsehole.

However it was only following the completion of the match that a clearly shaken Cruden revealed that he’d been targeted by lasers in the lead-up to taking a conversion kick, and stranger still, that he’d been beamed aboard a UFO and probed about All Black tactical domination and the ritualistic meanings behind the Haka.

Cruden, who has no known history of substance misuse, also went on to claim  that Ma’a Nonu is in fact an extra terrestrial from a planetary system roughly located within the Andromeda spiral galaxy.

Ma’a Nonu. Could be from the Andromeda spiral galaxy.

 

Quade Cooper sidelined with ‘broken heart’

The outspoken Aussie fly-half is in the dog house once again with the Australian Rugby Union.

This time it’s for a series of stroppy teenager-like tweets voicing his disapproval of the Wallaby management, with his accusations ranging from the existential to the just plain ludicrous.

In one he claims that he is being ‘destroyed’ as a player and a person. In another he says he is not being allowed to play the type of rugby HE wants to play….Butt-naked rugby? Underwater rugby? Quality rugby?!….who knows!

Another tweet just gets downright weird with what appears to be a reference to the classic Alice Cooper track Poison:

I want to love you but I better not touch (#don’t touch?)
I want to hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (#too much?)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison

We can only assume these angst-ridden words are directed at his off-the-field bromance with Sonny-Bill Williams, with whom he has threatened to elope to rugby league  at the end of the season unless he is provided with the following:

  • his own changing-room with wall-to-wall mirrors
  • personalised number plates reading ‘QC69 4EVA’
  • a pet anaconda

Quade and Sonny-Bill in better times…Sonny never quite got the basic principles of rock,scissors, paper.

The beard is mightier than the sword

Hashim Amla’s outstanding performance in the recent SA v Eng Test cricket series got me thinking…is it all down to the beard?!

The association between hair and brute strength is nothing new (take Samson for instance), so would it be too far-fetched to assume that a beard gives an athlete an extra edge?

Let’s apply this scientifically-backed theory to the world of rugby by rating a few of the more distinctive soup-strainers out there:

Josh Strauss (SA)

 

 
Believe it or not: 
Some say he fertilises his facial hair with mixture of coffee grounds and chewed tobacco.

 BDR rating: 8/10 – Good solid growth with excellent shape and body, but we’ve seen better…

 

Adam Kleeburger (Canada)

 


Believe it or not:
Rumour has it that he was raised by a pack of huskies in the Canadian wilds.

BDR rating: 7/10 – Great coverage with some interesting hues, also a vast improvement over his previous ‘boy-band’ look.

 

Sebastien Chabal (Fra)

 


Believe it or not:
Apparently he can make a woman pregnant just by looking at her.

BDR rating: 9/10 – A solid contender and ranked highly based on its animal magnetism alone.

 

 Jason Eaton (NZ)

 


Believe it or not:
An Auckland newspaper once reported that an albatross nested in his face-rug for a whole week before he even noticed and had to call-out the RSPCA.

BDR rating: 9/10 – Just look at it for Christ’s sake! It’s practically a fully functioning eco-system.

The not so little star of Bethlehem

The colussus that is Bismarck du Plessis will earn his 100th Super Rugby cap when he takes to the field in tomorrow’s  Super 15 Final.

Bismarck has always been a humble, family orientated type of guy (having grown up on a farm in the South African hinterland) who has always maintained his surprise at being considered one of the best hookers the game has ever seen.

Despite this, I would argue that his destiny has always been written in the stars for the following reasons:

  • He was born in Bethlehem…the one in the Orange Free State, but still…that’s got to count for something right?!
  • He has the same name as a kick-ass German battleship and weighs 113kg – he wasn’t exactly going to take-up improvised dance with those kinda credentials
  • He was born on 22/05/84 – add those up and you get 111…..Hello!! 3 wise men…see where I’m going with this?! Coincidence…I think not?
  • His favourite film is ‘Legends of the Fall’. It was a crap film, BUT it contains the word ‘Legend’…spooky
  • He’s the top Springbok try-scorer as a hooker, 6 in total – deal with that little info-nugget Sean Fitzpatrick! Oh wait, Fitzpatrick scored 12?! Well not for the Boks he didn’t!

Bismarck du Plessis…has been known to reinact the Batlle of Blood River in his spare time.

 

 

Nobody can eat 50 eggs….or can they?!

When a character in the classic film ‘Cool Hand Luke’ says to Paul Newman “Nobody can eat 50 eggs,”…he’d clearly never been round to SA cricket captain Graeme Smith’s house for breakfast.

To describe Smith as ‘gravitationally challenged’ would be fair, not to mention alot nicer than calling him ‘big fatty fat cake-eater boy’.

I don’t mean to poke fun at him (not that he’d feel it anyway!) and his cake-eating affliction,  and realise it must be extra tough now that Kallis has shed the weight of a small child and has great-looking new hair to boot.

I really just wanted an opportunity to crowbar the ’50 eggs’ quote into a blog post and just couldn’t  find a rugby player (or any other professional sportsman*) as fat as big fatty dough-boy Smith.

Sorry Graeme…I just can’t help myself sometimes and don’t know when to stop.

A bit like you really.

*including Sumo and Mexican wrestlers

Graeme Smith. Just happy to have his picture featured somewhere other than the WeightWatchers newsletter.

The many faces of John Plumtree

John Plumtree on a ‘good day’

Sharks head honcho John Plumtree looks harmless enough. He looks like the kind of guy you’d be happy to let your wife have a golf lesson with. The kind of guy you’d feel comfortable buying home insurance from. The kind of guy who just happens to have a surname that sounds like a new brand of air-freshener.

However, as we all know you can’t always judge a book by its cover (with the exception of ‘Lawrence Dallaglio – An Illustrated History’ which frankly WAS as shit as it looked!) and sources within the Shark-tank ‘circle of trust’ have recently revealed another, darker, General Kurtz-like side to the man.

Here’s part of a ‘conversation’ that was recently leaked to the Big Daddy team. It allegedly took place while the team was out celebrating their ‘game of two-halves’ victory over the Cheetahs, and immediately followed an amusing anecdote shared with the players:

Willem Alberts: You’re really funny. You’re really funny!

Plumtree: What do you mean I’m funny?

Willem Alberts: It’s funny, you know. It’s a good story, it’s funny, you’re a funny guy!

Plumtree: [dangerously] What do you mean? You mean the way I talk? What?

[Everyone becomes quiet]

Willem Alberts: It’s just, you know, you’re just funny. It’s funny, the way you tell the story and everything.

Plumtree: Funny how? I mean, what’s funny about it?

Jannie Du Plessis: Plumtree, no, you got it all wrong —

Plumtree: Oh, no, Du Plessis. He’s a big boy, he knows what he said. [to Willem Alberts] What did ya say? Funny how?

Willem Alberts: Just —

Plumtree: What?

Willem Alberts: Just, ya know, you’re funny.

Plumtree: You mean, let me understand this, ’cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little fucked up maybe, but I’m funny how? I mean funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?

Willem Alberts: Just… you know, how you tell the story, y’know — what?

Plumtree: No, no, I don’t know. You said it! How do I know? You said I’m funny. How the fuck am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about me?! Tell me, tell me what’s funny!

[Long pause]

Willem Alberts: Get the fuck out of here, Plumtree!

[Everyone laughs]

Plumtree: Ya motherfucker! I almost had him, I almost had him! You stuttering prick, you! Lambie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Alberts.

John Plumtree on a ‘bad day’

The drinks are on the city of Cape Town Dane Coles…

Hurricane hooker Dane Coles’ match winning try against the Chiefs  has set-up a potential Super 15 home final for the Stormers.

This is assuming the Stormers can avoid choking in front of their home fans by defeating the Rebels, something that Stirling ‘Hurt Locker’ Mortlock will be trying his very best to avoid in his last match before retiring and having himself  cryogenically frozen.

Following the match, Coles is said to have received news that he is to be presented with the ‘Keys to the City’ by the Mayor of Cape Town, though it was later confirmed by the Mayor’s Office that it is in fact the keys to his daughter’s Citi Golf, who recently had her licence suspended for driving through a shopping mall at over 30mph.

In addition to this, the Hurricane player has apparently been gifted an open bar tab at pubs across the city as well as an offer of a home cooked sit-down meal at Stormer’s coach Allister Coetzee’s house.

Coles commented:  “I’m stoked with the news…Citi Golf’s are solid pieces of machinery and I look forward to taking the boys out for a free round next time we’re in Cape Town…though I may pass on the dinner offer!”

Dane Coles waves goodbye to his Ford sponsorship deal following his open praise of the Citi Golf range.

Player profile pic of the week: Schalk ‘the hulk’ Burger

Image

 

Has anyone else wondered where Schalk’s been hiding away this season?

I just assumed he was taking time out to wrestle livestock on his family’s wine estate? Or perhaps he had decided to ‘find himself’ by going feral for a few months – living in a cave, hunting by day and howling at the moon by night?

Well if the above profile pic on the Stormers’ website is anything to go by, it seems he’s actually been living the life of a social delinquent by frequenting the local bar and club scene, downing Jagerbombs and getting into bare-knuckle fistfights with anyone less hairy than himself.

Or he might just be injured.

All Blacks, Sprinboks and Scotland (…yes Scotland!) all going for clean sweeps

All three teams will be hoping to end their June international tests on a high by inflicting another defeat on their respective opponents this weekend.

Scotland have been the real surprise package, having won all their matches on tour so far and with only the Samoans left to potentially spoil the party.

The All Blacks will be hoping to avoid another close-call against the plucky Irish, and the Springboks will be relishing the opportunity to send the English home with their tales between their legs.

Bring it on… is all I got to say.

“Place face here”….Manu Tuilagi demonstrates his favourite new party trick.

‘New look’ England to take on Barbarians

There’s a good chance you won’t recognise the England team taking to the field in today’s match with the Barbarians in Kimberley.

None of the players involved in Saturday’s loss to the Bokke will be in action, with head coach Stuart Lancaster allowing some ‘fresh-blood’ to show the first-team what their made of.

Lancaster said:

“I think this new batch of players are braced for the impact of today’s match. We have conducted many tests in training to ensure that the players can cope with the full demands and stresses of international rugby.

It’s a whole new scientific approach to the game, these guys are ready to take all the crash-tackles the Barbarians can throw at them!”

The new look England team ‘braced for the impact’.

Jonny who…?!?

England may have been out-gunned by the Bok pack yesterday, but they certainly have a few positives to take away from what was a bruising encounter.

All I can say is, this youngster certainly looks the part and I reckon Owen Farrell is a name you’re gonna here a lot more of in the future…

He may look like he’s just started puberty, but Owen Farrell is more than ready to play with the big boys.

It’s in the centre, Mr Venter…

There’s some mouth-watering international rugby on the cards this weekend with 3 big North vs South clashes…and if I’m gonna take this Civil War analogy to the next level (which I am) I reckon the exciting match-ups are going to be in the rear guard cavalry department – in other words in the centre Mr Venter (to nick the catch-phrase from an old SA tv ad from yesteryear)!

Here are the head-to-heads I’m looking forward to the most:

Game: Ireland v NZ

Match-up: Brian O’Driscoll v Sonny-Bill Williams

Who’s gonna come up trumps?

The old war-horse back to captain the side from his R&R in the stables versus the young ‘everbody likes to say his name’ filly who’s normally used as an impact player. It’s a tough one to call but I’m gonna go with experience over physical perfection on this one – as I reckon the old dog still has a few tricks up his sleeve!

Brian O'Driscoll

“Worried…who’s worried?!”

Game: Wales v Australia

Match-up: Sam Warburton v David Pocock

Who’s gonna come up trumps?

Who doesn’t like a good old battle of the generals (remember Robert E. Lee vs Ulysses S. Grant?!), especially between two teams with the recent history that these two have. I’m gonna go with Pocock on this, somewhat based on form but mostly because I don’t want to seem biased towards the Northern Hemisphere.

The Wallaby captain takes his defence seriously…maybe a bit too seriously.

Game: South Africa v England

Match-up: Jean De Villiers v Manu Tuilagi

Who’s gonna come up trumps?

The Springbok captain will want to do the new coach proud, so he’ll be adding a few extra highlights to his hair and more importantly he’ll be all over Tuilagi like stink on sh*t. Assuming Tuilagi doesn’t jump ship and get sent-off for silly tackles, he may give the Springbok backs a run for their money – but I still reckon De Villiers will nail him.

De Villiers gratefully accepts another hospital pass from Steyn.

Scotland wins first match in Australia since the release of Thriller

In a game that closely resembled the latter half of the film Titanic, in other words in which the ‘wet look’ tended to predominate, the brave Scots eked a narrow victory over the Wallabies on their home turf for the first time since 1982.

Yes…1982, that’s the same year that Thriller hit the airwaves. The same year that a loveable film about a young boy’s somewhat inappropriate relationship with an extra terrestrial resembling a dog-turd caused grown-men to cry the world over!

The feat is all the more impressive when you consider that Australia is currently ranked the 2nd best team in the world, and that the Scots lost everything but the shirts on their backs during the 6 Nations earlier this year.

 Good on you Scotland! Here’s to a few more upsets in the upcoming weeks…

Michael Jackson

30 years on and it’s still a doozie…

The boy wonder Patrick Lambie vs Old Man Stirling Mortlock

The Super 15 delivered yet again this weekend with a healthy dose of high-five moments.

One that stood-out for me personally was seeing old man Stirling Mortlock score his 50th try in Super Rugby in a surprising win for the Rebels over the Crusaders.

It was one of the those moments in sport when it felt like everyone was rooting  for the same guy…willing his tired legs over the line and allowing some of us to feel that 35 is not too old to get the boots out from under the bed and try out for selection in next year’s tournament.

The same match also saw Kurtley Beale getting flattened by a massive hit that temporarily wiped the smirk from under that ridiculous crumb-catcher of his. The guy’s a great player…but let’s face it – that tash makes him look like a someone who’s not allowed within 50 yards of a children’s playground.

Kurtley Beale

Kurtley Beale before and after his stint on ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’

 

At the other end of the age spectrum from ‘The Mortlocker’ is the cherub-faced boy wonder Pat Lambie…can this kid do no wrong?! He’s like Justin Bieber, but WITH talent!

Yet again he played a pivotal role in his team’s victory, but this time he graciously let some of his team mates get-in on the action – unlike last weekend where he scored all of the Sharks’ 28 points.

Just in case you missed that…here’s one that he finished-off in style with a little help from his friend Hosea Gear.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAyfJkFmZuM]

England name squad for South African tour de farce

England have named their 42-man squad for their tour to South Africa next month.

Stuart Lancaster, who was offered the head honcho role back in March, has stuck with a similar squad to the one that ended the 6 Nations on high by beating Ireland 30 – 9 and finishing in a respectable 2nd place.

The selectors have also chosen to bring back hell raising scrum-half Danny ‘Day’ Care, after his stint on the naughty step for repeated alcohol related benders (see previous BDR post).

Care commented:

“I’m really looking forward to being a part of this tour. I’ve heard the beaches and wine in South Africa are up there with the best! But this is no holiday, well…it’s kind of a holiday…I mean sure, we’re out there to play rugby, but you still got have time to unwind and let your hair down. When in Rome and all that!”

Stuart Lancaster…will want to keep a tight grip on his balls during the tour to SA.

Peter de Villiers ‘Will work for food!’

I’ll be the first to admit that Big Daddy Rugby is occasionally guilty of  using a pinch of artistic licence  to help spice-up the odd post or two. Why wouldn’t we…the rugby world needs a bit of help in loosening its jockstrap every so often.

There are exceptions of course! Anything involving Gavin Henson, Peter de Villiers and the entire England rugby squad for instance. When it comes to these particular cats, the sh*t just writes itself.

Take for example our friend and former Springbok coach Peter de Villiers. He’s obviously been smoking a bit more crack than usual, apparent by his recent comments to the press. With even less capacity to ‘forgive and forget’ than Tony Soprano, he’s still ranting on about Bryce Lawrence’s performance in the match that dare not speak its name.

The ex-Springbok coach 'hard at work' in better times.

He’s clearly been putting his time out-of-work to good use by crunching the figures in a special Excel spreadsheet, having recently claimed:

“Bryce Lawrence makes, on average, six mistakes a game, which is a good average for a referee. In that game he made 48 mistakes, six of which were match-costing.”

I’d just love to see a Gantt chart representation of that, wouldn’t you?! So there you have it ladies and gentlemen of the jury, as clear evidence of match-fixing as you would want. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not trying to defend Lawrence! Oh no…that would be like trying to defend Hitler for espousing an over-enthusiastic birth control policy. But PdV trying to blame the Aussie ref for the demise of his subsequent coaching career and backing that up with a weird ‘Da Vinci code type theory’ is just plain foolish.

Soprano…I mean, de Villiers, went on to say:

“So, Bryce mumbled an apology to the world. This means nothing! Did he really apologise for exactly what he did? He needs to tell South Africa exactly what it is that he is apologising for. For match-fixing? For inefficiency? For what?? How am I supposed to forgive him if I don’t know exactly what for?”

Well said sir! If South Africa as a nation has learnt anything from the Truth & Reconciliation hearings, it was that you can’t forgive and ‘move on’ until you know what exactly it is you’re forgiving someone for. If I poked you in the eye for no apparent reason, you’re not going to be content with a ‘sorry mate’. Lawrence needs to be hauled in front of Archbishop Tutu so that he can confess his sins; so that Saffa rugby fans can forget the past; so that our buddy Peter can finally bury the hatchet. Deep in Bryce Lawrence’s back.

You gotta feel for PdV though. The poor guy’s obviously going through a bit of a low patch. I certainly struggled to keep a stiff upper lip when he opened-up all ‘Oprah-like’ by saying:

“I feel a bit useless at the moment. Sitting back home and nobody shows interest in trying to draw from experience that I do have.” 

Bless his little rugby socks. To be honest though Pete (and we know he appreciates honesty), I wouldn’t hold my breath for the phone to ring off the hook with top-notch coaching offers. Having said that, I do hear they’re looking to hire a Chico the Clown mascot down at the local Spur steak ranch. So it’s not looking all bad!

If only he'd just read the coaching manual it could've all been so different.

5 reasons why you should never celebrate St Patrick’s Day in an Irish theme pub

Last month I had the pleasure of visiting Salzburg in Austria. As a historical centre of culture and tradition, as well as the birthplace of one of the world’s most loved composers, I thought it would be only fitting to visit the town’s one and only Irish pub.

Ireland also happened to be playing the English in a crucial 6 Nations encounter on St. Paddy’s Day – so it was likely that this would be the only place to catch the game, and quite possibly a STD going by the looks of the clientele upon arrival.

To cut a long story short, the game was a disappointment and the pub turned out to be the fifth circle of hell (that’s the one with all the drunks and other self-harmers), and so that  BDR readers can learn from my mistakes, here’s 5 reasons why you should avoid one at all costs:

1. No one is actually Irish

The first thing you tend to notice about most Irish theme pubs is that no one is actually Irish. See that big guy in the corner with the ‘Kiss me, I’m Irish t-shirt’…he’s NOT Irish. How about the one with the fake orange beard and the amusing leprechaun costume? Surely he’s… NO, he’s NOT Irish either! Just because you’re wearing a Pogues t-shirt, you’ve seen The Commitments five times, and your name happens to be Pat – does NOT make you Irish. But it does make you a TWAT if that’s any consolation.

Bring it ladeees...

 

2. Everyone will be younger than you

I am getting older….fact. There is nothing I can do about this irrefutable truth (for now…) and I realise that the odds of encountering someone younger and fleeter of foot than myself are greatly increasing. Despite this, I can’t help but feel that St Paddy’s day is increasingly being hijacked by gangs of youngsters who appear to resemble the entire cast from the Twilight films – just with slightly more green eyeshadow. Do they even care that St Patrick died for their sins, and rid the country of all its snakes in one fell swoop?! Shame on them I say!

"I'll paddywack your ass biatch!"

 

3. There will be lots, and I mean lots, of oversized Guinness hats

It’s just not St Paddy’s Day without those relentlessly funny oversized Guinness hats. Just when you think the world has finally succumbed to a depressing gloom of post-modern cynicism, some prankster dons the old oversized Guinness hat and makes it all okay. And it’s a good thing that most Irish pubs have a steady supply too! Even better… if your girlfriend shows the barman her knockers, he’ll give you extra to take home to all your ridiculously funny non-Irish friends. Score!

How can you not pull wearing one of these?

 

4. There will be singing…bad singing

Right, here’s the deal. I have nothing against singing…when it’s done well that is! For one thing The Sound Of Music was set in Salzburg, so you’d have to be a complete cynic, or Nazi, to not get into the spirit of song while in town. This however, does not give free license for a group of drunk and deliriously tone deaf punters to sing along to the chorus of  ‘Sunday, Bloody Sunday’ as if they lived and fought through ‘the troubles’. Do the rest of us a favour and save it for the shower or the karaoke game on your X-box.

Another rousing rendition of 'Whiskey in Jar'

 

5. The bar staff will relentlessly ignore you

I don’t know what it is about St Paddy’s Day…but suddenly everyone’s a charmer and has the gift of the gab. The bad news for anyone wanting a pint of the black stuff is that Pat (the sleazy barman with the pony tail and the tasteful shamrock tat on his arse) will be too busy chatting-up the local totty and reminiscing about the ‘old country’ – or at least his interpretation of it from having watched The Wind that Shakes the Barley. True story.

A real Irishman would drink those before half-time.

England cause 6 Nations upset

Stuart Lancaster’s England team caused shockwaves throughout the rugby world on Sunday by turning up to their match in Paris completely sober. 

According to sources within the camp, the players had an early night-in on the Saturday, with some marshmallow-topped hot chocolates to accompany a DVD viewing of The Bodyguard

It was lights-out at 11pm, but not before the evening was topped-off with prop Matt Stevens (who reached the final of Celebrity X Factor in 2006) serenading the players to sleep with an emotional rendition of the Julie Garland classic Over the Rainbow. Bless.

The team also managed to beat 6 Nations contenders France, resulting in their first home defeat in 10 matches.

Matt Stevens' singing was said to cause 'man tears'

Danny Care makes it a hat-trick

Danny ‘Devil may care’ Care recently completed a remarkable hat-trick….of arrests!

The England and Harlequins scrum-half, who was dropped from the 6 Nations squad earlier this year for being pissed behind the wheel, was arrested in Leeds over the weekend  – this time for being caught pissing outside a hotel in the city centre.

Apparently Care was on his way home from a night out on the town when he was forced to ask the driver of the taxi he was in to pull over so that he could ‘release the Kraken’.

Care was later released with a caution (that he should wash his hands in future) and in a statement made after the incident said:

“I understand the link that will be made to previous offences but, as with my fine in December, the issue is more one of a small bladder than excessive drinking.”

So Danny’s the victim here people…overactive bladder syndrome’s no laughing matter, unless your Ben Youngs or Lee Dickson that is, in which case your laughing all the way into the No. 9 jersey!

Danny Care

Danny Care gets used to his new position in the England squad...as a spectator.

Scotland score try at Murrayfield…eyewitnesses continue to come forward

At least five eyewitnesses have come forward to confirm the sighting of a Scotland try at Murrayfield on Sunday.

The try was said to occur in the team’s narrow loss to the French during the recent 6 Nations clash, with some even claiming that there were up to two tries – though these reports are yet to be verified.

Spectator Alan McDougall, an honest straight-talking lawyer from Glasgow, said:

“I seen it with my own two eyes! I had just returned to my seat with an unobstructed view, having spent a mere five minutes buying inexpensive chilled beers from the conveniently located food and beverage kiosk, when I saw Hogg levitate over the line for the first try.

The second one came shortly after a clearly audible announcement over the ground’s Tannoy system that the next round of drinks were on the house courtesy of sponsors RBS – who wanted to give something back to ‘the people’.”

Stuart Hogg was seen to levitate over the line for Scotland's first try since the Jacobite rebellion.

England fullback not likely to holiday in Wales anytime soon

England player Ben Foden has been stoking the fire yet again ahead of the England v Wales showdown this Saturday.

The fullback has positioned himself right at the top of the ‘most hated man in Wales’ rankings by tipping England to take the 6 Nations title, despite their mediocre showing in the tournament so far.

This comes after his taunt prior to last year’s 6 Nations clash  in Cardiff when he said, ‘We are England, we are the big country, we are going to put these guys in their place.’

Clearly Ben didn’t get the memo that the days of the Empire are over. Last time I checked this was a rugby tournament, not a platform for invading someone else’s country to exploit their natural resources and claiming the right to sleep with their women.

Admittedly England went on to win that encounter (to be fair they probably did get some Welsh skirt too!), but the price Foden has had to pay since then is getting more hate mail than Michael Jackson’s prescription happy ex-doctor Colin Murray.

Wales will be looking to exact revenge for last year’s defeat – and if they do, they will be one step closer to the coveted Grand Slam as well as making Foden eat a big slice of humble pie along with his favourite chocolate protein shake.

Ben Foden gets a bit 'me' time

6 Nations going according to plan….except for that frozen pitch farce!

So just when you thought that everything was going according to plan in the 6 Nations (yes…the Italians did nearly beat the English, but their fullback soon took care of that with a shocker of a clearance kick that even Hodgson couldn’t botch), the French decide to pull the rug from under everyone’s feet by converting the Stade de France into the worlds biggest open-air ice rink.

The caretaker preps the Stade de France pitch for the big game.

 
I totally respect the decision to cancel a match when the safety of the players is at risk, but to do it 2 minutes prior to kick-off while the brass band is still playing and 80,000 expectant fans, who have travelled and patiently waited in frost-bitten conditions, are on the verge of still having a reason to live – is another thing.
 
Apparently most of the crowd refused to budge, whether this was in fact because they were actually frozen to the spot is a distinct possibility, until the French captain Thierry Dusautoir came out and told them to bugger-off home over the PA system….and don’t forgot to take your litter with you – ungrateful plebs!
 
Thanks Thierry!
 
I’m mildly irritated because I’d just opened a perfectly chilled lager and fluffed-up my favourite tv-watching pillow for the occassion…AND this was in the comfort of my own  centrally-heated home. God knows how pissed (in both senses of the word) the travelling Irish fans must’ve been!
 
So the upshot is they have rescheduled the match for early March, by which stage they hope the glacier will have retreated from Northern France. I reckon my lager’s going to be flat by then…Hmph!
 

This Irish supporter couldn't even be arsed to request a refund.

Dan Parks quits rugby…horse’s head rumours unfounded says coach

Parks was almost 100% sure that he’d had some high-points during his rugby career.
 
Dan Parks sent shockwaves through Scotland yesterday having announced that he was retiring from test rugby with immediate effect.
 
Street parties spontaneously erupted in some the nation’s bigger towns and cities, however there were those that came to the defence of the fly-half (despite his poor showing in the Calcutta Cup match on Saturday), with First Minister Alex Salmond reportedly having been put off his mutton stew dinner – deciding instead on a light snack of  deep-fried Mars Bars and a plate of dropped scones.
 
Scotland coach Andy Robinson was quick to reject rumours that the suddenness of Parks’ retirement had any links to the reports of a severed horse’s head having been discovered in his bed after returning home after Saturday’s match. At a recent press-conference Robinson said:
 
‘This horse’s head thing is really getting blown out of proportion…even if someone had put a horse’s head in Dan’s bed, that’s got nothing to do with his leaving the team – the Scottish Rugby Union in no way sanctions the placing of horse’s heads in players’ beds at any time.’
 
Parks was not available for comment and was said to be having a farewell piss-up with team-mates and close friends.
 

Parks enjoying a farewell drink with friends and supporters.

Big Daddy’s Essential ‘All You Can Eat’ Guide to the 6 Nations 2012

There was alot of testosterone in the room that day.

 

So the big chill has finally descended on Europe (I am literally typing this while wearing a pair of gloves!)….and just when we thought we were going to get away with the mildest winter since the Jurassic period. This coupled with the post-Xmas blues has meant the only thing stopping half-frozen commuters from ending it all by hurtling themselves on to the railway-tracks (only to find that their train has been delayed by half an hour…awkward) has been a morbid fascination to see how the Eurozone debt crisis turns out.

The good news for us Northern Hemisphere folk is that there will be a reason to get out of bed this weekend (unless you have a TV in the bedroom, in which case you won’t have to move at all), as International Rugby is back on the menu with the start of the 6 Nations tournament! Yeeehaw….

And just so you can enjoy it all the more, here’s Big Daddy’s essential guide:

 

ENGLAND

Coach: Stuart Lancaster – no pressure Stu, the RFU is right behind you…literally, so watch your back.

Captain: Chris Robshaw – has more syllables in his name than caps…experience isn’t everything, is it?

Man to watch: David Strettle – the Premiership’s in-form winger.

Strapline: A young, inexperienced side with a lot to prove but not much to live up to.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Policy of Truth or Condemnation (depending on how much the tabloids find out)

Team motto: ‘No news is good news’.

BDR’s Prediction: 4th

 

FRANCE

Coach: Philippe Saint-Andre, also known as ‘The Pig’…apparently.

Captain: Thierry Dusautoir – IRB player of the year.

Man to watch: Imanol Harinordoquy – you can’t pronounce his name and he hates you for it. A tour de force.

Strapline: The team to beat…if they decide to play.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Sometimes or A Question of Lust (depending on what mood they’re in)

Team motto: ‘Give it to Thierry’.

BDR’s Prediction: 1st

 

IRELAND

Coach: Declan Kidney – softly spoken number-cruncher.

Captain: Paul O’Connell – in the absence of injured golden-boy Brian O’Driscoll.

Man to watch: Stephen Ferris – a potato man-mountain with speed.

Strapline: Not as good as their provincial teams.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Never Let Me Down Again

Team motto: ‘Age before beauty.’

BDR’s Prediction: 3rd

 

ITALY

Coach: Jacques Brunel – a Frenchman, a turncoat…a part-time amateur film-maker?!

Captain: Sergio Parisse – if they could clone him to make a whole team, they would.

Man to watch: Martin Castrogiovanni – powerful name, powerful man.

Strapline: The whipping-boys

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Dream On

Team motto: ‘Rome was not built in a day…or even 10 years’

BDR’s Prediction: 6th – at best.

 

SCOTLAND

Coach: Andy Robinson – lost his hair even before he started coaching Scotland.

Captain: Ross Ford – who?!…he’s replacing Kelly Brown…oh…wait… who?!

Man to watch: John Barclay – best flanker in the tournament, depending on who you’re talking to and if they’re Scottish.

Strapline:  If only they could score a try they might win something.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Everything Counts

Team motto: ‘The end justifies the means’.

BDR’s Prediction: 5th

 

WALES

Coach: Warren Gatland – Wales’ adopted son.

Captain: Sam Warburton – one of the players of the World Cup…when he stays on the field.

Man to watch: George North – “It’s alive!”…and it’s as fast as a friggin freight-train.

Strapline: Best of the Home Nations…could win it if they have belief.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: A Question of Time or Agent Orange (if Gavin Henson is in the squad)

Team motto: ‘Boys will be boys’.

BDR’s Prediction: 2nd

Candy in his heels…sponge in his brain

Will drop pants for place in Welsh squad.

Who can take a sunrise
Sprinkle it in dew
Cover it in chocolate
and a miracle or two?

The Gav-man
The Gav-man can
The Gav-man can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good

Who can take a rainbow
Wrap it as a sigh
Soak it in the sun
and make a strawberry lemon pie?

Children: The Gav-man?

The Gav-man
The Gav-man can
The Gav-man can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good

Bryce Lawrence ‘not welcome’ in South Africa

Sanzar recently confirmed that the controversial New Zealand referee has not been invited to officiate over any Super Rugby matches taking place in South Africa this year.

Sanzar’s referee boss Lyndon Bray stressed that the decision is in no way a reflection of Lawrence’s professionalism or linked to his clinical blindness, a condition he has suffered with since birth, but purely to avoid the medical bill and law suit associated with the obligatory pistol whipping as soon as the ref set foot on SA soil.

Lawrence was not available for comment, but his guide dog Kurtley is said to be very distraught by the decision, having repeatedly pooped on his favourite Kashmir rug – a gift from close friend Robbie Deans during the World Cup.

Bryce Lawrence's welcome committee gather at Oliver Tambo airport

Seperated at birth? (Part 19)

Percy has always been one of the more animated of South Africa’s rugby players, so it was not much of a surprise to see him turn-up in Dreamworks animated movie Shrek.

Some critics argued that his portrayal of Prince Charming was a bit OTT, though personally I think the white boots were a nice touch.

BDR reckons it’s just a matter of time before we see Monty playing the role he was born for…. the Danish King!

To be blonde, or not to be blonde...that is the question.