Raise your arms in the air like you just don’t care y’all!
Troubled Wallabies and Rebels player Kurtley ‘Crumb-catcher’ Beale has decided to take some much needed time out from rugby for personal reasons.
It is likely he will miss the upcoming Lions’ Tour to Australia in order to spend more quality time with close friends and family, namely Jim Beam, Jack Daniels and Tia Maria.
Kurtley’s half-time rider request started to raise a few eyebrows among the Rebels’ back room staff
If you’ve watched any amount of Super Rugby this year, you’ll know that the rolling maul is the hot-topic of the moment. And more specifically, just how the hell is a team meant to defend against it?
In particular it has been the South African conference teams that have used it to such deadly effect and who seem to be forming them more frequently than they can churn out new Fast & Furious films.
For this very reason Big Daddy Rugby has consulted some of the worlds most highly respected and completely fictitious military experts to come up with 5 ways to stop the dreaded rolling maul.
We can do nothing about Vin Diesel films though. Sorry.
1. Scorched Earth Policy
When it comes to wreaking havoc and general destruction, a crazy cat by the name of Stalin had a few tricks (and most likely a poison-tipped dagger) up his sleeve. As a tactic used by the Russians on the German army during WW2 and the US in Vietnam, the idea is to destroy the turf to such an extent that the rolling maul won’t function effectively.
Downside: Not suitable for home matches, i.e. don’t shit where you eat.
“Charlie don’t form rolling mauls!”
2. Propaganda campaign
Not to be outdone by a crazy Russian, the Germans used this slightly more subtle form of military strategy to instil fear and doubt among their enemies. The defending team could make use of an online social media campaign to belittle the image of the rolling maul, utilising slogans such as ‘Rolling mauls cause cancer’ or ‘Rugby is for Girls‘ – or even a video viral showing rolling mauls being formed by fans at a Justin Bieber concert.
Downside: Getting Bieber’s agent to agree to this could take some time.
It’s not subtle or politically correct…but it will work.
3. Horns of the bull
Cunning military strategy invented by Shaka Zulu. He’s that guy who made his troops run on thorns just because he could. The rolling maul is initially hit head-on, with supporting players flanking both sides (the horns) and then employing short stabbing movements with sharp instruments to inflict injuries on the unsuspecting attacking forwards.
Downside: Not only are Saffa players familiar with it, but it can lead to at least half the team being sin-binned.
Even the most dim-witted of tight-heads will understand this one.
4. Divide and conquer
If it worked for the Romans, it can work for you. Simple yet effective technique in which you turn your opponents against each other, leaving them weak and vulnerable. All the defending team needs to do is make the tight-heads believe their doing all the hard work while the loose-head trio are getting all the girls and glory and BAM…the rolling maul collapses like a deck of cards.
Downside: Hard to convince tight-heads of anything unless it’s done with simplified drawings and pictures.
We come in peace…..hee hee!
5. Trench warfare technique
This one involves a bit of planning, but with some bulldozers, a bit of barbed wire and a full-back with a Gatling Gun – that rolling maul isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
Downside: In addition to logistical issues, can lead to stalemate and a sudden urge for players to breakout into a jovial football match while singing Paul McCartney’s ‘Pipes of Peace’
Gatling Gun….all good full-backs should have one.
Cheetahs and Springbok forward Heinrich Brussow is to have his name added to a lexicon of terms and as means of describing the act of dispossessing the opposing team of the ball contrary to the run of play.
Otherwise to be known as the Heinrich Manoeuvre.
The decision has been made due to the freakishly large amount of times Brussow is responsible for turnover ball at the ruck and his God-like ability to appear in many places at once.
All hail Heinrich…for he is a plentiful and generous giver of turnover ball.
When was the last time you saw a conversion charged-down?!
Most likely the 20th, possibly even 19th century…when a rugby ball was basically an animal’s lower intestine filled with porridge, which then conveniently doubled-up as a post-match haggis.
That’s unless you happened to catch the Hurricanes vs Stormers match yesterday in which Habana chased-down a 40th minute conversion, like a hungry beast released from a cage and eager for his half-time slice of orange.
Habana has come in for a lot of stick here on Big Daddy Rugby…but there’ll be a lot more carrot dangling (and NO, that’s not a euphemism!) if he continues show moments of genius like this…
Springbok and Cheetah’s hooker Adriaan Strauss continues to defy the laws of physics by consistently running faster than should be possible for a man of his weight and girth.
His bursts of pace show particular disregard for Newton’s 2nd Law of Motion, namely:
The acceleration of a body…is inversely proportional to the mass m of the body.
Or in layman’s terms:
A fat blonde guy should not be able to move much faster than the rate of continental drift.
Despite this, week in and week out, opponents of the Cheetah’s are left scratching their heads as Strauss whizzes past them in a blonde streak of lightning.
Adriaan Strauss sets a new land speed record.
Remember Robbie Fleck?!
Well neither did I…until I caught a glimpse of him high-fiving Stormers’ coach Alistair Coetzee during their win over the Brumbies this weekend.
From memory Fleck was a fairly decent, if not exciting, centre for the Boks back when grunge music was still popular. His slightly cocky rich-kid demeanour always made me think he’d look more at home in an episode of Beverley Hills 90210, rather than chasing a ball around a rugby field with a bunch of plebs.
See what I mean…
Surf’s up…plus daddy’s shares in Indonesian palm-oil are looking good too! Awesome.
You can imagine my surprise to find that Robbie has not gone on to be the MD of a trendy new media start-up company, and is in fact the assistant back-line coach for the Stormers. This is probably popular knowledge among most Super Rugby aficionados, but it came as a shock to me. I had higher hopes for young Robbie.
I can only assume it’s been a bit of a shock for him too, cos he’s gone completely grey. When did that happen?! Not that it’s a bad thing, I mean look at Richard Gere and that fellow Gandalf. They’ve done pretty well for themselves!
Good for you Flecky…no need to hide your true colours.
You may want to try a touch of sunblock from time to time though…
Robbie ‘Salt ‘n Peppa’ Fleck
‘He who controls himself, controls the game’….the tat says it all really.
21 March 2013
Dear diary,
I seem to be appearing in the press quite a bit recently. Normally I quite like that. Wait, who am I kidding…I friggin love it! But this time it’s my reffing and not my sexuality that’s being questioned, and I just won’t stand for that shit.
I’m probably the best flippin ref in the world today. At the very least it’s a tie with that Saffa with the weird name, but he’ll probably be tried for attempted murder or robbery by the end of the year leaving me top dog again.
It’s bloody ridiculous thinking I favoured the red team on Saturday. I don’t even know who they were. I didn’t penalise the guys in white any more than necessary. Except the scrum-half Ben Youngs. His hair was just plain silly – he’s lucky I didn’t send him straight to the bin. I can’t stand people who don’t take care of themselves, it’s just bloody selfish if you ask me.
So it looks like I’m gonna have to defend myself against the IRB, whoever the hell they are! Maybe there’ll be some good looking girls on the panel.
That would be nice.
‘What would Cartman do?’ – the philosophy on which Walsh bases most of his reffing decisions.
12 March 2013
Not much on today, so watched replay of the England vs Ireland match from last weekend. Crikey it was cold that day, so cold you could see the steam coming off the bodies of the players. It looks great on the tele though, it’s like something you’d see in a movie. I think I should be in a movie.
I don’t like reffing in the cold, but my tan looked good. Especially when in the same shot as those pasty Irish. I wonder if people noticed that? If I could change one thing about my body it would be my fat ankles. Jimmy Cordax used to tease me about them in school. There’s a word for them isn’t there…is it cankles? Yes cankles, I must wikipedia that later. Maybe there’s a treatment for them.
After the match I decided to go to the gym. On the way I stopped in at the cafe with the pretty cashier to pick up a soya mochachino. I think that cashier likes me. I like me, so why wouldn’t she? I don’t go to Starbucks anymore. Not until they start paying those Costa Rican farmers a decent wage. Is it the Costa Ricans or Nicaraguans?! Who cares…all I know is I don’t like seeing the little guy getting trod on. Not on my watch!
While waiting for the coffee some chump decided to jump the queue. I sorted that shit out though. I never leave home without my whistle, so I blew him up for an intentional offside violation. Made him stand in the corner for 10 minutes while I chatted-up the cashier. We’ll see if he tries that little stunt again. Not likely.
Not on Walsh time.
Steve Walsh….he knows where you live. Not really.
Duane ‘Dazed and Confused’ Vermeulen
Ever wondered why Springbok and Stormers No.8 Duane Vermeulen always has that perplexed look on his face?
It’s because he can’t figure out why people keep asking him where his hammer is and why he let Iron Man kick his ass in the Avengers movie…
Chris Hemsworth, otherwise known as Thor
If you thought the big-screen version of Victor Hugo’s famous novel was the must-see tear jerker event of the year…think again!
A tragedy of a much grander scale is likely to unfold this weekend if Les Bleus fail to beat Ireland in their 6 Nations encounter, leaving them just one step closer to the infamous wooden spoon and the prospect of facing all-out revolution when they return to home soil.
With the singing at this weekend’s match expected to be of only a slightly poorer quality than in the film (with the exception of Russell Crowe…in which case it will be exponentially better), the dramatic tension is likely to be far greater with the French team knowing their necks are literally on the line. Guillotines are being sharpened around Paris at this very moment.
It will take something pretty exceptional for Les ‘Miserables’ Bleus to save themselves from certain death at the hands of an angry French mob – like winning for instance, and if not that, then at the very least trans-mutating into fire-breathing parrots and flying-off into the sunset squawking a version of Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance.
They do like a good show-tune those Frenchies!
On a cheerier note, in their match against Wales this weekend, the Scots will be looking to get their first hat-trick of victories since the dawn of time – or the inception of the 6 Nations tournament to be a bit more precise.
Just goes to show you can’t predict anything when it comes to sport.
I just wish the same could be said for Hollywood.
Welcome home Les Bleus.!
There was once a time (let’s call this period BC for reasons that will become clear later) when rugby players thought long hair was for girls. And possibly ponies, especially girl ponies.
Then this happened…
Yes…Cabous van der Westhuizen.
Remember him? Big Daddy Rugby does and publicised his current whereabouts here.
Looking like he’d just stepped out of a shower that was in fact a galactic wormhole that led straight to a Led Zeppelin roadie piss-up, Cabous burst onto the SA rugby scene in the early 90’s, making the ‘wet-look’ his trademark.
Before Cabous (otherwise known as BC), rugby players all looked pretty much the same…a bit like cauliflowers really.
Cabous made it okay for players to step out of the John Frieda closet and express themselves in ways other than grunting and eye-gouging. In a similar vein, some players took even greater strides, going on to experiment with two-tone colour highlights and new-wave perm techniques.
Remember Percy Montgomery? That’s him on the left…(or is it the right!?)
In more recent years there’s been an attempt by some players to reclaim the uber-masculine image that rugby once had This can be seen by the number of beards on display in the modern game. Big Daddy highlighted 5 of the best in this post.
However, as with most things in life…the balance must be restored. For this very reason, the RBS 6 Nations is taking a break this weekend. Big sponsors realise that in the age of HD TV players need to look their best.
No one wants to see this kind of shit in HD…
So the players are getting a much needed rest weekend. Time for that trip to the spa to treat those split-ends, thread-veins and whatever else is required in order to look this bloody good…
Bonjour ladies!
And finally, for our more high-brow readers out there, here’s one of the many, many portraits that has attempted to capture the pure, innocent beauty of French player Dimitri Szarzewski in all his glory…. Enjoy.
The full colour version of this portrait was banned for causing multiple orgasms to female viewers.
Everybody knows the Irish like nothing more than beating the English, which is exactly what they’ll be hoping to do this Sunday.
It doesn’t matter how, when, at what, or with what….as long as a pasty English backside is at the receiving end of a good old whipping - Irish eyes will be smiling.
The only thing is…their a bit rubbish at it.
Ireland have only won 46 of the 126 rugby matches played against the poms. Fact.
Though that really isn’t all that bad when you consider the following:
Okay…I know that last one is not all that relevant, but you’ve got to wonder where they get the time to do anything other than imbibing the black stuff.
But all of this is besides the point.
If the Irish were to beat the English all the time, then the odd victory here and there wouldn’t have quite the same drama, the same David vs Goliath tension.
AND…there just wouldn’t be that same great feeling you get when Daniel-san ‘crane kicks’ the shit out of Johnny at the end of Karate Kid!
Daniel-san doing that kick.
Not many people know this about the former French captain Thierry Dusautoir, but he was raised by bears.
This hasn’t stopped him from becoming one of the greatest flankers the game has ever seen, but it has meant a challenging journey of self-discovery in which he has had to forego his previous life to adopt the confined existence of human society.
In the early stages of his rugby career, Dusautoir refused to wear clothes and instead of releasing after the tackle, he would rip all his opponents limbs off and then proceed to eat their liver. At times washed down with a nice Chianti. His interpretation of a maul was also at times…suspect.
As you can imagine, he spent more time in the sin-bin than on the playing field, but with support from his bear family (in particular his Uncle Joe – see pic below) and the encouragement of his trainer - he overcame his primal urges to produce some truly great rugby and become IRB Player of the Year in 2011.
Now back from injury, he returns to the team in today’s 6 Nations clash against Italy, in which France will be hoping to avoid a repeat of their shock defeat two years ago – and you can bet Dusautoir will be pawing the ground in anticipation.
Thierry with Uncle Joe, who will be growling from the sidelines.
The 6 Nations tournament kicks-off today with a mouth-watering encounter between two Celtic nations who have really upped their game in recent years.
Since winning the grand slam last year, it’s fair to say Wales have not had a great run….in fact, it’s been more like a chain-smoker struggling to climb a flight of stairs weighed down by having an entire nation’s hopes and dreams on their back.
Ireland have also underwhelmed of late, but they have O’Driscoll back (could it be his last?!) to bolster their hopes of their first title since 2009.
Ireland are a good team so could give the Welsh a run for their money…but they’ll have the hulk that is George North to contend with first.
George North….don’t make him angry.
Having survived the potential threat of a Mayan apocalypse, most people (well me anyway) are now merrily plotting their 2013 rugby-viewing calendar.
As always, there’s much to look forward to and in the spirit of Oscar season, here’s a brief BDR awards preview:
6 Nations – 02 Feb
Best Actor Nominees:
Owen Farrell – the new(ish) golden-boy of England rugby, his performances and delivery have been deadly this season.
Best Director nominees:
Rob Howley – the Welsh head coach is putting together an all-star cast, in an epic bid to retain the 6-Nations title.
If it was a Spielberg film:
The Colour Purple – the Scottish thistle will be in full bloom if they manage to win, well….anything really.
Super rugby – 15 Feb
Best Actor Nominees:
Schalk ‘the Hulk’ Burger – back from ‘injury’ (or what industry insiders call a cosmetic surgery getaway) to take a lead role in the The Stormers’ campaign.
Best Director nominees:
John Plumtree – he came painfully close to the ultimate prize last year with a stellar performance (remember this?), he has also brought in critically acclaimed assistant director Carlos ‘Twinkle Toes’ Spencer to help with this year’s production.
If it was a Spielberg film:
Jaws – the Sharks will be hoping the sequel is better than the last one.
British & Irish Lions Tour Australia – 1 June
Best Actor Nominees:
Brain O’Driscoll – the man, the legend, will be hoping his rousing performances can help make amends for missing out in the 2001 awards…and who knows, maybe bag him a lifetime achievement award!?
Best Director nominees:
Robbie Deans – despite a rocky few months at the helm, the Wallaby coach is still Top-Gun…and some might say a bit of a rebel with a cause.
If it was a Spielberg film:
War of the Worlds – well okay, hemispheres…if you want to be picky about it!
4 Nations Rugby championship – 17 Aug
Best Actor Nominees:
Richie McCaw – he may be taking a sabbatical (trying out a new hair-style?), but really…is there any competition here?
Best Director nominees:
Santiago Phelan – the Argentine head-honcho will be hoping to make another impression with his portrayal of gritty realism, having taken the best foreign language accolade in last year’s competition.
If it was a Spielberg film:
The Terminal – there’ll be lots of time spent in these during the course of this competition.
Richie McCaw preparing his acceptance speech.
An under-performing Welsh team have welcomed back Warren Gatland with open arms this week as he seeks to plot a miraculous victory against his home nation.
Gatland has taken a back seat over the last few months with disastrous consequences for the Welsh team, who are slipping down the IRB world rankings faster than Richie McCaw can undo a cheerleader’s brassiere*.
Apparently Gatland’s tactics to counter the formidable Kiwi attack this weekend include slowing the ball at the breakdown, tactical kicking and the use of heavy artillery by arming full-back Leigh Halfpenny with a 6-barrel Gatling gun.
* Currently this stands at 3.4 seconds…with one hand.
If this won’t stop the All Blacks, nothing will.
With their last match of the season against England this weekend, Bok coach Heyneke Meyer has admitted the team is not quite 100%.
Judging by recent performances and a leaked pic (below) of a recent training session, I’m not going to argue with that…
The Boks looked ‘below par’ at a recent training session.
There are growing concerns surrounding Pat Lambie’s personal safety during the Bok’s visit to Ireland next week as part of their Northern Hemisphere tour.
The in-form Lambie, known for his boyish good looks and lack of facial hair, has apparently been singled out by entertainment mogul and X Factor judge Louis Walsh as an ideal candidate for his new boy-band concept Studs Aloud.
Walsh plans to create an all-male version of the hit-churning money-machine Girls Aloud, and believes ‘Lambrini’ (as he likes to call him) could successfully transfer his fleet-footed dancing skills from rugby field to pop stadium glory.
Sources have revealed that Walsh will lure the boy-wonder to his Dublin bachelor pad, where he intends to ply him with a concoction of beer shandies and humorously-shaped jello-shots in the hope of getting him to sign a ten-year contract in his own blood.
Despite languishing in a perpetual state of puberty, Lambie is said to not require the presence of a legal guardian when signing his life away.
Bok coach Heyneke Meyer is reportedly taking the claims very seriously, assigning a minder for the duration of the tour and equipping the youngster with an emergency whistle and prepaid phonecard in the event that he gets lost or seperated from the rest of the team.
Studs Aloud…coming to a bargain-bin basement sale near you soon!
Josh Strauss as you know him now…
If you thought Josh Strauss talents were consigned to the base of a rugby scrum…then think again.
It has recently been confirmed that in addition to joining the Glasgow Warriors on a new contract, he has signed a 3-year deal with Warner Bros. Pictures and is set to appear in the blockbuster film Argo, which was released in the US last week.
Strauss has already received rave reviews over his powerful performance, with some critics going so far as to compare him to an early Ben Affleck, only with more hair. And talent.
Playing a former CIA Officer involved in a clandestine operation during the Iranian Revolution, Strauss apparently drew on his experiences as part of the 2011 Currie Cup Final to bring a gritty realism to the role.
He has cited Will Ferrell as a big influence and says his biggest regret is not having had the opportunity to play Dumbledore in the Harry Potter franchise.
Josh Strauss as you will know him from now on…a friggin Hollywood star!!!
If you caught the All Blacks’ convincing win (16th consecutive and counting…) over the Boks this weekend, you probably noticed Richie McCaw nursing a lovely shiner after the match.
So what?!…you might say. It’s not surprising when you consider the intensity of the clashes between these two great rivals as well as McCaw’s ‘once more unto the breach’ leadership style?
Aah, but wait!…I would retort. The surprising bit is that he later admitted the injury was a result of ‘friendly fire’ and not at the hands of a marauding Bok forward as you might suspect!
Big wank! You may jest. That happens all the time, just ask Quade Cooper who’s been sidelined after Kurtlocker Beale kneecapped him in the showers for stealing his brylcreem.
Touché, but in this case it was McCaw who punched himself in the face just to show how little he respected the Bok attack on Saturday. Just plain arrogant.
Richie McCaw….punch drunk on the taste of victory.
