After the Argentinians destroyed the Bok pack on Saturday much has been written about the poor showing of the supposed tough and powerful Springbok forwards. But this leaked photo of the Bok forwards practising in the days before the Mendoza test may explain just why the Boks were bullied.
Hashim Amla’s outstanding performance in the recent SA v Eng Test cricket series got me thinking…is it all down to the beard?!
The association between hair and brute strength is nothing new (take Samson for instance), so would it be too far-fetched to assume that a beard gives an athlete an extra edge?
Let’s apply this scientifically-backed theory to the world of rugby by rating a few of the more distinctive soup-strainers out there:
Josh Strauss (SA)
Believe it or not: Some say he fertilises his facial hair with mixture of coffee grounds and chewed tobacco.
BDR rating: 8/10 – Good solid growth with excellent shape and body, but we’ve seen better…
Adam Kleeburger (Canada)
Believe it or not: Rumour has it that he was raised by a pack of huskies in the Canadian wilds.
BDR rating: 7/10 – Great coverage with some interesting hues, also a vast improvement over his previous ‘boy-band’ look.
Sebastien Chabal (Fra)
Believe it or not: Apparently he can make a woman pregnant just by looking at her.
BDR rating: 9/10 – A solid contender and ranked highly based on its animal magnetism alone.
Jason Eaton (NZ)
Believe it or not: An Auckland newspaper once reported that an albatross nested in his face-rug for a whole week before he even noticed and had to call-out the RSPCA.
BDR rating: 9/10 – Just look at it for Christ’s sake! It’s practically a fully functioning eco-system.
Whenever a touring rugby team is in town there is some banter amongst the more predatory groupie females about the challenge of pulling in a visiting rugby player and consigning it to a special notch above the bedpost.
Connected as we are to the pulse of Cape Town, we know that some groupies ran into the Argentinian rugby team at that stellar institute of Plumstead nightlife Pirates. While some of those female fans began the evening with high hopes for conquering their Latin fantasies, the feedback on how it went can probably best be described by these two pictures:
Looks like Heyneke Meyer has succumbed to the Bok coach disease of irrational loyalty to players. This week on the interview circuit all was revealed on the DSTV tragicomedy referred to as Boots ‘n All.
As the only guest in studio not willing to kiss anyone in a bok blazer’s ass and in his “speaking truth to power” mode, Nick Mallet called out Heyneke on the continued selection of Morne Steyn at flyhalf despite his lack of form. Morne is in the team to kick goals, since he doesn’t exactly give you anything else. And he isn’t exactly kicking goals is he?
Hearing Heyneke defend his selection was painful. He mumbled something about Morne’s form not actually being that bad and that if you switched to Afrikaans commentary during the game he actually plays quite well.
This kind of irrational disease seems to overcome South African’s in positions of power. It also has its counter in the insane refusal to pick a player who is clearly better than “coach’s favourite”. Is the Heyneke Meyer – Morne Steyn clouded thinking going to be up there amongst the following:
- John “Colonel Gadaffi” Smit’s stranglehold over the De Villiers coaching tenure.
- Jake White and “the fetcher” debacle, circa 2004, 2005 and 2006.
- Tiaan Strauss not being selected against the touring Kiwis in post-isolation South Africa.
- The ANC insisting that Julius Malema “wasn’t a complete shit”, at least until he turned his idiot hose onto Jacob Zuma that is.
- Nick Mallet and the Gary Teichmann.
- Bryan Habana and all of his coaches during 2008 to 2011.
- Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn not beating the shit out of Jar Jar Binks in every scene in which they appear together.
Perhaps Pat Lambie needs to start showing up to coaching sessions wearing his Morne Steyn mask. Is that what it is going to take? Or a miracle cure for Johan Goosen?
Here’s to the Chiefs for pulling off an emphatic victory over the weekend. Far more impressive than clubbing to death the baby seals that arrived from Durban was their semi-final win over Grim Reapers of Super Rugby. In BDR fashion we present the annual Single Malt and Pink Smirnoff 2012 season recap.
A single malt: for most intimidating semi-final opponents to the Crusaders. What would a Super Rugby tournament be without a trip to Christchurch for your annual ass-whooping?
A pink Smirnoff: to Hugh Bladen – for once again being the tournaments worst commentator, despite a strong challenge from newcomer Victor Matfield. Hugh… where did that drink go? It was here just a second go?
A single malt: The biggest upset? Most definitely the Rebels tipping over the Crusaders.
A pink Smirnoff: to the ass who designed the Bulls away strip. You might think you’re very clever sitting in your marketing studio, but you’re not.
A single malt: to Bryan Habana for having a pretty good comeback season despite being bagged non-stop by this website.
A pink Smirnoff: to Bobby Skinstad. For being Bobby Skinstad.
A single malt: to Nick Mallet – the first Supersport analyst to actually contribute something to the viewing experience since the days of Jake White’s tenure. Someone please tell Arnold Geerdts to stop using the phrase “it was a game of two halves”.
A pink Smirnoff: to John Mitchell for resurrecting the Rudolf Straeuli man management method.
A single malt: to the Stormers who despite their annual silverware choke pulled off a top of the table league finish despite having a non-existent pack and Brok Harris at flyhalf.
A single malt: to the Western Force for hiring the drummer from Def Leppard to play in their backline. Nice!
A pink Smirnoff: to the Rebels franchise for continuing the Aussie tradition of naming their teams after George Lucas movie themes.
A single malt: to Dr Jannie du Plessis for managing to pull off the greasy hair look all season long of a roadie at a Metallica concert. You make it look so easy and classy at the same time good doctor.
A pink Smirnoff: for Pierre Spies for show ponying it up all season long.
A single malt: Best commentator? Phil “the mighty eagle” Kearnes.
A pink Smirnoff: to the South African rugby administrators who managed to screw both the Lions and the Kings by acting like typical Saffer politicians.
A single malt: to the Chiefs for having a prop as their leading try scorer. And for hiring him after completing his role as Odd Job in the Connery Bond movies.
The colussus that is Bismarck du Plessis will earn his 100th Super Rugby cap when he takes to the field in tomorrow’s Super 15 Final.
Bismarck has always been a humble, family orientated type of guy (having grown up on a farm in the South African hinterland) who has always maintained his surprise at being considered one of the best hookers the game has ever seen.
Despite this, I would argue that his destiny has always been written in the stars for the following reasons:
- He was born in Bethlehem…the one in the Orange Free State, but still…that’s got to count for something right?!
- He has the same name as a kick-ass German battleship and weighs 113kg – he wasn’t exactly going to take-up improvised dance with those kinda credentials
- He was born on 22/05/84 – add those up and you get 111…..Hello!! 3 wise men…see where I’m going with this?! Coincidence…I think not?
- His favourite film is ‘Legends of the Fall’. It was a crap film, BUT it contains the word ‘Legend’…spooky
- He’s the top Springbok try-scorer as a hooker, 6 in total – deal with that little info-nugget Sean Fitzpatrick! Oh wait, Fitzpatrick scored 12?! Well not for the Boks he didn’t!