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Archive | July, 2012

Stormers re-enact the annual traditional choke

29 Jul

Against all odds, the Stormers managed to pull off a fantastic 26-19 choke against the Sharks at home.  Amazingly, this choke came after finishing first on the log, breaking the record for regular season wins and after a bye week.   The Stormers really had to dig deep to find a way to restore the faith that their fans have in them, namely that they can choke a season from any position of strength.

Alistair Coetzee revealed how much work went into this game in the post match interview:

“I’m really proud of the boys today.  I know a lot of people in the media had written us off and said we weren’t capable of a choke again, but I knew all week long we could do it.  The boys put in a lot of work in the training ground making sure that Brok Harris would be first receiver in any situation where we get good quick ruck ball.  It was also drilled into the half backs that they need to kick possession aimlessly away whenever we get forward momentum.  I’m just so proud of those efforts”

The Stormer’s have a long history of choking in the Super Rugby tournament stretching back to the first famous choke against the Highlanders in their home semi-final back in 1999.   Concern mounted this year ahead of the playoffs that since getting rid of players generally concerned pivotal to the choking game, such as Nakalavuki and Naas Olivier (remember those days?) the Stormers might not be able to produce that all important choke when it was needed.  With Peter Grant in superb kicking form and even Bryan Habana looking good this season the odds were piling up against the Stormers.

A  relieved Newlands witnessed the cold fact that their beloved team still has the magic touch in the big games.

Vital to any choking strategy is the need to get Brok Harris good quality second phase ball to put him in the decision maker role in the backline.

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Nobody can eat 50 eggs….or can they?!

20 Jul

When a character in the classic film ‘Cool Hand Luke’ says to Paul Newman “Nobody can eat 50 eggs,”…he’d clearly never been round to SA cricket captain Graeme Smith’s house for breakfast.

To describe Smith as ’gravitationally challenged’ would be fair, not to mention alot nicer than calling him ‘big fatty fat cake-eater boy’.

I don’t mean to poke fun at him (not that he’d feel it anyway!) and his cake-eating affliction,  and realise it must be extra tough now that Kallis has shed the weight of a small child and has great-looking new hair to boot.

I really just wanted an opportunity to crowbar the ’50 eggs’ quote into a blog post and just couldn’t  find a rugby player (or any other professional sportsman*) as fat as big fatty dough-boy Smith.

Sorry Graeme…I just can’t help myself sometimes and don’t know when to stop.

A bit like you really.

*including Sumo and Mexican wrestlers

Graeme Smith. Just happy to have his picture featured somewhere other than the WeightWatchers newsletter.

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Why the Bulls don’t have an effing prayer

19 Jul

During play off time it is the same story every year.  Teams travelling across the Indian Ocean to play in an away knock out game talk a good game.  You’ll heard the words “quietly confident”, “happy to be underdogs”, and “this time it feels different”.  In the words of the Nobel Prize winning economist Milton Friedman: “Bullshit”.

There are several reasons why Bulls fans shouldn’t allow themselves to get their hopes up for this weekend’s knockout clash against the Crusaders in Christchurch:

  • They are playing the Crusaders.  In Christchurch.
  • Dan.  Fuckin’.  Carter.
  • They are playing the Crusaders.  In Christchurch.
  • Richie.  Fuckin’.  McCaw.
  • Zane “The Crazy Train” Kirchner will be wearing a Blue Bulls jersey.
  • History, science and the basic laws of physics.
  • Bjorn Basson’s evil wizard goatee hasn’t actually given him any supernatural powers at all or even a casting role in the new Harry Potter movie.
  • They are playing the Crusaders.  In Christchurch.

It can’t be done fellows.   Listening to Bulls fans talk optimistically is a little like hearing your best friend talk about how he thinks he can patch things up with his recently broken up girlfriend.  The writing is on the wall, and though it pains you  to see a fellow fan in a state of self-delusion, you haven’t the heart to quite give them the brutal bad news.  It’s why you never became a surgeon.   “But this time is different” they protest.   Soon enough, the argument starts to begin sounding like a creationist debating with an evolutionary biologist. Your heart goes out for the desparate clutching for hope, anything that will say things will be ok.

Zane “the Crazy Train” Kirchner. Is he the kakkest player to ever wear the Bulls 15 jersey?

Remember fans – if you aim low… you’ll never be disappointed.

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The many faces of John Plumtree

17 Jul

John Plumtree on a ‘good day’

Sharks head honcho John Plumtree looks harmless enough. He looks like the kind of guy you’d be happy to let your wife have a golf lesson with. The kind of guy you’d feel comfortable buying home insurance from. The kind of guy who just happens to have a surname that sounds like a new brand of air-freshener.

However, as we all know you can’t always judge a book by its cover (with the exception of ‘Lawrence Dallaglio – An Illustrated History’ which frankly WAS as shit as it looked!) and sources within the Shark-tank ‘circle of trust’ have recently revealed another, darker, General Kurtz-like side to the man.

Here’s part of a ‘conversation’ that was recently leaked to the Big Daddy team. It allegedly took place while the team was out celebrating their ‘game of two-halves’ victory over the Cheetahs, and immediately followed an amusing anecdote shared with the players:

Willem Alberts: You’re really funny. You’re really funny!

Plumtree: What do you mean I’m funny?

Willem Alberts: It’s funny, you know. It’s a good story, it’s funny, you’re a funny guy!

Plumtree: [dangerously] What do you mean? You mean the way I talk? What?

[Everyone becomes quiet]

Willem Alberts: It’s just, you know, you’re just funny. It’s funny, the way you tell the story and everything.

Plumtree: Funny how? I mean, what’s funny about it?

Jannie Du Plessis: Plumtree, no, you got it all wrong —

Plumtree: Oh, no, Du Plessis. He’s a big boy, he knows what he said. [to Willem Alberts] What did ya say? Funny how?

Willem Alberts: Just —

Plumtree: What?

Willem Alberts: Just, ya know, you’re funny.

Plumtree: You mean, let me understand this, ’cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little fucked up maybe, but I’m funny how? I mean funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?

Willem Alberts: Just… you know, how you tell the story, y’know — what?

Plumtree: No, no, I don’t know. You said it! How do I know? You said I’m funny. How the fuck am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about me?! Tell me, tell me what’s funny!

[Long pause]

Willem Alberts: Get the fuck out of here, Plumtree!

[Everyone laughs]

Plumtree: Ya motherfucker! I almost had him, I almost had him! You stuttering prick, you! Lambie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Alberts.

John Plumtree on a ‘bad day’

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The drinks are on the city of Cape Town Dane Coles…

14 Jul

Hurricane hooker Dane Coles’ match winning try against the Chiefs  has set-up a potential Super 15 home final for the Stormers.

This is assuming the Stormers can avoid choking in front of their home fans by defeating the Rebels, something that Stirling ‘Hurt Locker’ Mortlock will be trying his very best to avoid in his last match before retiring and having himself  cryogenically frozen.

Following the match, Coles is said to have received news that he is to be presented with the ‘Keys to the City’ by the Mayor of Cape Town, though it was later confirmed by the Mayor’s Office that it is in fact the keys to his daughter’s Citi Golf, who recently had her licence suspended for driving through a shopping mall at over 30mph.

In addition to this, the Hurricane player has apparently been gifted an open bar tab at pubs across the city as well as an offer of a home cooked sit-down meal at Stormer’s coach Allister Coetzee’s house.

Coles commented:  “I’m stoked with the news…Citi Golf’s are solid pieces of machinery and I look forward to taking the boys out for a free round next time we’re in Cape Town…though I may pass on the dinner offer!”

Dane Coles waves goodbye to his Ford sponsorship deal following his open praise of the Citi Golf range.

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Player profile pic of the week: Schalk ‘the hulk’ Burger

11 Jul

Image

 

Has anyone else wondered where Schalk’s been hiding away this season?

I just assumed he was taking time out to wrestle livestock on his family’s wine estate? Or perhaps he had decided to ’find himself’ by going feral for a few months – living in a cave, hunting by day and howling at the moon by night?

Well if the above profile pic on the Stormers’ website is anything to go by, it seems he’s actually been living the life of a social delinquent by frequenting the local bar and club scene, downing Jagerbombs and getting into bare-knuckle fistfights with anyone less hairy than himself.

Or he might just be injured.

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Best of the June tests…

7 Jul

Just in case you missed any of the action during the June international tests, here’s a little a highlights package that includes Richie McCaw getting a particularly tasty ‘stink-bomb’ courtesy of a sweaty Irishman.

I could watch that all day…

 

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50 Shades of Peter de Villiers

3 Jul

If you are the kind of reader who has his or her finger on the pulse of their generation, you may be aware that the latest rage about town is a book popularising BDSM and erotic fiction.  I’m not referring to Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James of course, but to Peter de Villiers’ authorised biography: Politically Incorrect.

Is your wife suddenly more secretive about her library collection?

Dubbed “mommy porn” by knowledgeable websites this work is the talk of happening book clubs and hip married women across the country relieved that BDSM, bondage and other forms of erotica are finally mainstream and can be spoken about in public.

Full confession here, I’ve not actually read Peter de Villiers autobiography (the NG Kerk banned it in my town), but I am told by reliable sources that it contains the following saucy chapters:

  • The End of Innocence – on tour with Bakkies Botha
  • The love that dare not speak its name – on selecting Zane Kirchner for the British and Irish Lions tour
  • Four more years of cruelty – life under John “Colonel Gadaffi” Smit (NSFW)
  • Softly, gently, tenderly – Pierre Spies’ approach to the ruck and maul

For those seeking further clarity on whether or not Politically Incorrect is a good read, it received the following glowing endorsement from Oregan Hoskins, de Villiers’ boss at SARFU during his tenure as Bok coach:

“I can confirm that Peter de Villiers was employed by the South African Rugby Football Union during the periods 2008 to 2011.  During that time he was in compliance with our absenteeism requirements and we can confirm that he was not found guilty of any category 3 offences by our Human Resources department.”

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