About these ads
Archive | February, 2012

Scotland score try at Murrayfield…eyewitnesses continue to come forward

28 Feb

At least five eyewitnesses have come forward to confirm the sighting of a Scotland try at Murrayfield on Sunday.

The try was said to occur in the team’s narrow loss to the French during the recent 6 Nations clash, with some even claiming that there were up to two tries – though these reports are yet to be verified.

Spectator Alan McDougall, an honest straight-talking lawyer from Glasgow, said:

“I seen it with my own two eyes! I had just returned to my seat with an unobstructed view, having spent a mere five minutes buying inexpensive chilled beers from the conveniently located food and beverage kiosk, when I saw Hogg levitate over the line for the first try.

The second one came shortly after a clearly audible announcement over the ground’s Tannoy system that the next round of drinks were on the house courtesy of sponsors RBS – who wanted to give something back to ‘the people’.”

Stuart Hogg was seen to levitate over the line for Scotland's first try since the Jacobite rebellion.

About these ads

Tags: ,

Separated at birth? (Part 20)

26 Feb

Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum.
I smell the blood of an Englishman,
Be he living, or be he dead,
I’ll grind his bones to mix my bread.

 

 

 

Tags:

How to win your office bet/superbru pool

25 Feb

These golden rules only work for the Super 15. Follow them and you simply can’t lose your office pool.
1. Always back the home team
2. Unless the Crusaders are playing away
3. Or, the Lions are playing at home
4. Never, ever, back the Stormers to win a crucial game. They can’t even spell BMT.

Follow these and you’ll be the envy of your fantasy league/Superbru pool.

England fullback not likely to holiday in Wales anytime soon

24 Feb

England player Ben Foden has been stoking the fire yet again ahead of the England v Wales showdown this Saturday.

The fullback has positioned himself right at the top of the ‘most hated man in Wales’ rankings by tipping England to take the 6 Nations title, despite their mediocre showing in the tournament so far.

This comes after his taunt prior to last year’s 6 Nations clash  in Cardiff when he said, ‘We are England, we are the big country, we are going to put these guys in their place.’

Clearly Ben didn’t get the memo that the days of the Empire are over. Last time I checked this was a rugby tournament, not a platform for invading someone else’s country to exploit their natural resources and claiming the right to sleep with their women.

Admittedly England went on to win that encounter (to be fair they probably did get some Welsh skirt too!), but the price Foden has had to pay since then is getting more hate mail than Michael Jackson’s prescription happy ex-doctor Colin Murray.

Wales will be looking to exact revenge for last year’s defeat – and if they do, they will be one step closer to the coveted Grand Slam as well as making Foden eat a big slice of humble pie along with his favourite chocolate protein shake.

Ben Foden gets a bit 'me' time

Tags: , ,

Super 15 preview: SA conference

22 Feb

It’s that time of the year again.  Time to start skipping varsity lectures, updating your Superbru during work hours, and generally losing every bet you can because of your unreasonable faith in South African teams somehow being able to “pull of a surprise playing in Christchurch”.

STORMERS

Coach: Super Rugby’s cuddliest coach, Allister Coetzee, has a lot to prove after being passed over for the Bok coach.  His biggest problem?  A trophy cabinet as empty and hollow as the latest Maroon Five album.  If the cuddle monster can’t win trophy’s he won’t be putting on that Bok coaching jersey any time soon.

Captain: The man. The legend.  Terror of all you can eat buffet bars everywhere. Schalk Burger. Beautiful freak.

Man to watch: Andries Bekker. An 8 foot tall freak of a man, capable of two carrying basket balls in one hand (try that) while simultaneously running like a winger and calling in his stock market trades from his Bluetooth headset.  New Zealanders are in awe of him, girls love him, and fashionistas everywhere are horrified by his mullet.  With Big Vic finally leaving the Bok scene, this is Bekker’s year to shine.

Summary: Every year it is the same old story.  The Stormers look good in pre-season.  The local Cape Times and Argus report that Habana is “back to his best form” in the training facilities.  Unfortunately by that they mean his table tennis skills because they can’t possibly be referring to his rugby form can they?  Round about midway through the season the Stormers put on a display of rugby that is everything you ever want in a team.  They whip the Blues 65 to 0 in New Zealand.  People start fantasizing about a Newlands final.  Then they cock it up somehow when it really matters.  Everybody gets wasted at that really disgusting bar in the Grand Stand.  Don’t put me through that again, I just don’t think I can handle it.

If they had a Bruce Springsteen theme tune:  Your Own Worst Enemy.

BULLS

Coach: Frans Ludeke. What a career plan, follow on the coat tails of Heyneke Meyer.  Don’t change anything. Use the structures and players your predecessor put in place. Watch the trophies come rolling in.

Captain: Pierre Spies.  Underwear model.  Former hurdles champion.  The man your girlfriend really wants to have sex with when she pretends she’s into you.  But he hasn’t actually done anything remotely resembling a rugby play in the last 3 years.  But he does look good in a tight shirt. So there’s that.

Man to watch: Johann Sadie.  As is usually the case with players who transfer to the Bulls something about the setup brings out the best in them.  This promising backline player will be sorely missed by the Stormers.  Especially when they check Jean de Villiers ID document and discover that Jean is actually 82 years old.

Summary:  There’s one slight problem with Ludeke’s grand plan of not changing anything that Heyneke Meyer put in place, including allowing Victor Matfield to coach himself and be in charge of his own disciplinary hearings.  Eventually people get old and leave.  Then you’re royally screwed.  The Bulls starting line up this weekend is missing a host of the regulars.  No Bakkies, Du Preez or Matfield.   It doesn’t bode well for the season ahead.

If they had a Bruce Springsteen theme tune: Wages of Sin.  You just know big ol’ Vic gave them a talking to about getting right with the Right.

CHEETAHS

Coach: Naka Drotske has been honing his Tony Soprano impersonation all summer long.  A grizzled veteran with a face straight out of New Jersey and a trophy cabinet as empty as ….

Captain: Adrian Strauss– has more syllables in his name than caps…experience isn’t everything, is it?

Man to watch: Heinrich  Brussouw.  Big Daddy Rugby’s personal hero.  The Lobster Boy is everything you want in a loose forward. Intelligent, scrappy with an unbelievable ability to sneak turnovers out of nowhere.  If you were stuck in a Shawshank Redemption prison and badly needed a nail file, a box of playing cards and two nylon guitar strings for your escape, Heinrich “Scrounger” Brussouw would be your man.

Summary: The Cheetah’s are well and truly screwed this year as they are every year.  They are a talent farm for the rest of the country with the Sharks in particular waving big coastal money in the bright eyes of promising farm boys while Cheetah’s talent scouts look on helplessly.  They can’t retain the depth needed to be an effective team, so despite the flashiness of the odd upset, they are on their way out.  They’re not politically connected enough either to keep themselves from being replaced by the Kings next season.  Enjoy it while it lasts fellows.

If they had a Bruce Springsteen theme tune: I’m Goin’ Down

SHARKS

Coach: John Plumtree.  What is up with those ears John?  I can’t stop staring at them.

Captain: Keegan Daniel.  I got nothing here.  There’s not much to say about a captain who allows his coach to recruit Marius Joubert.   Marius Joubert.  Wasn’t he in his glory days before they invented the internet?

Player to watch:  Pat Lambie.  The man most rugby fans south of Pretoria want to dislodge Morne Steyn from the Green and Gold number 10 jersey.  If only he didn’t look like he just got done playing soccer for the Sweet Valley under 10s.  Maybe it’s the band-aid on his knee, or the fluffy do on his head.  He doesn’t exactly instil fear with his looks.  But he’s the closest thing South Africa have had to a complete flyhalf since the days I hacked by my Playstation and built that fake player on EA Sports Rugby.

Summary: The team known more for its cheerleaders and its slavish devotion to John Smit than for its trophy winning ability will again put out the best squad this year out of the Saffer franchises.  Oh, you meant the rugby team not the cheerleaders?  In that case, don’t get your hopes up just yet.

If they had a Bruce Springsteen theme tune: My Best Was Never Good Enough.  (That one’s for you Bismarck.)

LIONS

Coach: John Mitchell.  He is scary enough that you’d probably want to play your best so that he doesn’t give you “that look” in the dressing room after the game.

Captain: Josh Strauss.  Will he? Won’t he?  Shave his beard?  Release a new four track indie-folk record?  Lions management must love having this hippie folk rocker on their payroll.  He is Google gold-dust.

Player to watch: Elton Jantjies.  Webster himself.  Mini Carlos Spencer.  Except he can kick.

Summary:  For some reason it takes years between a South African rugby team winning the Currie Cup and becoming a decent Super Rugby team.  I’ve never quite figured that out.  Like the Cheetahs, depth is a problem.  It’s all very well winning domestic trophies while the Boks are away, but you get exposed at Super Rugby level if you don’t have enough quality players to call on.  Luckily for Lions there is far too much money sloshing around Ellis Park for them to ever be allowed to be relegated.

If they had a Bruce Springsteen theme tune: Don’t Look Back.  (Best sung as you’re bulletting straight out of Ellis Park.  Whatever you do.  Don’t. Look. Back.)

The cuddle monster wants a trophy so bad he can almost taste it.

Tags: , , , , ,

From Cricket With Balls: is it racist to hate South Africans?

18 Feb

Definitely not a rugby post, but there’s enough common ground between this gem of a cricket blog and BDR to merit a post.  Is it racist to hate Saffers?

This is the question I have often pondered over the years.

Sure they are evil, but to purely not like someone because they come from South Africa does have a racist slant on it.

What about if you can justify it purely on the cricket team?

Still racist, well its not monkey slur, but it’ll do.

So why do I hate South Africans, I can narrow it down to two events.

Kepler Wessels bagging Australia after going back to South Africa, even after they let the untalented pr1ck open for them.

And Brian McMillan’s hissy fit in the 92 world cup. Everyone knew it was going to rain num nuts, everyone knew the rain rule was flawed and favoured the side batting first. So why send the other side in and then sook about it.

These are trivial events that won’t sway a neutral person, so now I’ll use the big cannons.

South Africa’s opening bowler, and most popular sportsmen, Ntini, is a convicted rapist. Not alleged, but convicted, who was only let out of jail, after being found not guilty on a technicality.

Hansie Cronje ran over a small child and killed it. He says it was an accident, but he was heard to say ‘what were the odds of that happening” shortly afterwards.

Graham Smith is an @sshole. That is all.

Herchelle Gibbs accepted money to throw his innings, and sell out his country. Then he didn’t even do that right. You can’t trust him if youre a bookie or a cricket fan.

KP is South African.

Andre Nel is a serial killer. I have no proof, but look at his eyes.

Their ex coach, and a nice guy, Bob Woolmer was found dead in a hotel room. Coincidence that the South Africans were in the region at the same time, I’ll let you be the judge.

Tony Greig is South African, and a pervert.

Hansie Cronje was a match fixer, who then became a born again Christian (a worse crime?), before he faked his own death and is now living in a ménage a trois with Princess Di and 2pac.

Jacques Kallis is really boring.

And between you and I, an ex Victorian Legend suspects one of their players is a terrorist.

To top all this off, this week they beat an Australian domestic team savagely. New Zealand is the least populated state of Australia, they only have 300 residents, and so to embarrass them like that is quite unnecessary.

I think they made Daniel Vettori cry.

Cricket with Ball’s most excellent blog can be found here.

The Bulls Pink Jersey – another fashion nightmare in Pretoria

17 Feb

When I first saw the Bulls new pink away strip, after choking back the nausea, I had a moment’s thought.  Well… at least it is for a worthy cause.  I guess the Bulls must be following the lead of university rugby clubs like UCT and making a stand against violence against women and are donning pink for the cause.  Or perhaps they’ve had a touch of the JP Duminy and would like to draw the attention of the Loftus faithful to the advantages of early screening in detecting breast cancer.  Hell, maybe they’ve gone all out and would like the rugby world to stop being such a homophobic place.  I had visions of Wynand Olivier, donning pink and going on Supersport challenging the conventions of most of the Darren Scott brigade.   But… the truth of the matter is, that the Blue Bulls rugby union are wearing this ghastly pink monstrosity to serve the cause of their sponsors Puma.  Puma had some vague mention about pink jacarandas, but the pinkness is about getting people to talk about Puma.  The concept behind the new strip was apparently “Bull in a china shop”.  I can just picture the stupid f^%k at some ad house in Cape Town who came up with this one.

Bull in a china shop?  More like 7 year old eats too many strawberry energy bars and throws up over himself.

Do the suits at Loftus not know that SA is in the midst of a fashion crisis? Not only are Croc sandles all over the suburbs, but worse, Die Antwoord are making a name for themselves in the United States and Americans are looking at those mullets and wondering just how representative Die Antwoord are of the general SA population.  Can I just remind SA rugby, that English football has David Beckham?  David Beckham for pete’s sake.  This guy models Calvin Klein underwear.  What do we have?  We have Jacques Kallis selling anti-dandruff shampoo on tv.  *sigh*

So, in the spirit of accepting our new-found status as pole-cats of the fashion world, the away strip jerseys of the other SA franchises will be revealed as:

  • Cheetahs – puke yellow, inspired by an Ollie le Roux night-out in Bloemfontein
  • Lions – A “fake gunshot spray” of red splattering over white, a tribute to all the fallen car highjack victims Ellis Park has accounted for over the years
  • Stormers – As an ode to glory gone by, the Stormers rugby union will be getting an x-ray of Bobby Skinstads knee the night after his traffic accident blown up and put on their shirts.
  • Sharks – let’s just be honest, the only reason anyone cares about the Sharks is those Sharks girls.  So just put the damn cheerleaders on your shirt and be done with it.  Also, change your franchise name to “the one with the hot cheerleaders”.

You can just hear the laughter coming from the French rugby supporters.  How can I show my face at Pastis again?

Tags: , ,

6 Nations going according to plan….except for that frozen pitch farce!

15 Feb

So just when you thought that everything was going according to plan in the 6 Nations (yes…the Italians did nearly beat the English, but their fullback soon took care of that with a shocker of a clearance kick that even Hodgson couldn’t botch), the French decide to pull the rug from under everyone’s feet by converting the Stade de France into the worlds biggest open-air ice rink.

The caretaker preps the Stade de France pitch for the big game.

 
I totally respect the decision to cancel a match when the safety of the players is at risk, but to do it 2 minutes prior to kick-off while the brass band is still playing and 80,000 expectant fans, who have travelled and patiently waited in frost-bitten conditions, are on the verge of still having a reason to live – is another thing.
 
Apparently most of the crowd refused to budge, whether this was in fact because they were actually frozen to the spot is a distinct possibility, until the French captain Thierry Dusautoir came out and told them to bugger-off home over the PA system….and don’t forgot to take your litter with you – ungrateful plebs!
 
Thanks Thierry!
 
I’m mildly irritated because I’d just opened a perfectly chilled lager and fluffed-up my favourite tv-watching pillow for the occassion…AND this was in the comfort of my own  centrally-heated home. God knows how pissed (in both senses of the word) the travelling Irish fans must’ve been!
 
So the upshot is they have rescheduled the match for early March, by which stage they hope the glacier will have retreated from Northern France. I reckon my lager’s going to be flat by then…Hmph!
 

This Irish supporter couldn't even be arsed to request a refund.

Tags: , , ,

Dan Parks quits rugby…horse’s head rumours unfounded says coach

8 Feb
Parks was almost 100% sure that he’d had some high-points during his rugby career.
 
Dan Parks sent shockwaves through Scotland yesterday having announced that he was retiring from test rugby with immediate effect.
 
Street parties spontaneously erupted in some the nation’s bigger towns and cities, however there were those that came to the defence of the fly-half (despite his poor showing in the Calcutta Cup match on Saturday), with First Minister Alex Salmond reportedly having been put off his mutton stew dinner – deciding instead on a light snack of  deep-fried Mars Bars and a plate of dropped scones.
 
Scotland coach Andy Robinson was quick to reject rumours that the suddenness of Parks’ retirement had any links to the reports of a severed horse’s head having been discovered in his bed after returning home after Saturday’s match. At a recent press-conference Robinson said:
 
‘This horse’s head thing is really getting blown out of proportion…even if someone had put a horse’s head in Dan’s bed, that’s got nothing to do with his leaving the team – the Scottish Rugby Union in no way sanctions the placing of horse’s heads in players’ beds at any time.’
 
Parks was not available for comment and was said to be having a farewell piss-up with team-mates and close friends.
 

Parks enjoying a farewell drink with friends and supporters.

Tags: , , ,

Another Scottish torture scene

5 Feb

Not again... not again...

FFS. This was the year for Scotland to take that English rugby jersey, rip it off the uncapped 12 year olds England had picked for this test, drag it through the mud of Murrayfield and send it back to Twickenham with the head of an crushed “London2012″ stuffed toy.   England looked rubbish before the match, heck they even looked rubbish throughout the game.  Scotland dominated both territory and possession – but managed to absolutely hose this one anyway in true Scottish style.  I suppose that is what happen when Dan Parks is your flyhalf.

Every year I fall for it.  There is a rousing rendition of Flower of Scotland.  The Scottish rugby jersey is looking particularly sexy.  The English are looking weak and vulnerable, and I tell myself… this time, this time will be different.  Scotland can’t possibly ham it up again.  Surely everything that came before was simply to lull them into a false sense of security waiting for this moment.  But I tend to always forgot that special skill Scotland have of pulling defeat out of a certain win.  No credit to England (other than limiting the penalty count) this was a game entirely lost through Scotland’s own efforts. You can’t win test matches if you can’t clear the ball from your own tryline (Andre Pretorius anyone?).  You can’t win test matches if you don’t find touch with “pressure relieving” penalty touch kicks.  You can’t win test matches when you hose a three on one overlap because your big fella is going for glory against the English fullback.

Whenever the tv camera turned towards Andy Robinson I could feel my sympathetic pains rising.  Heck, I think I even had some kind of a spasm on his behalf when the tv ref wouldn’t award what probably should have been the decisive Scotland score.  But geez, Dan Parks had yet another shocker (missed World Cup drop goal anyone?) and that fella supporting him at number 9 must be the worst player to fill the scrumhalf position since Ollie Le Roux decided to wear Joost’s jersey at his own bachelor party.  You can’t win test matches if 9 and 10 are playing a shocker boys.  It doesn’t matter how much you’ve psyched the boys up in the changing room before hand with Mel Gibson clips.

It’s going to be another long cold year of Scotland getting savaged and plundered by their less incomprehensible neighbors.  Sigh.

Big Daddy’s Essential ‘All You Can Eat’ Guide to the 6 Nations 2012

2 Feb

There was alot of testosterone in the room that day.

 

So the big chill has finally descended on Europe (I am literally typing this while wearing a pair of gloves!)….and just when we thought we were going to get away with the mildest winter since the Jurassic period. This coupled with the post-Xmas blues has meant the only thing stopping half-frozen commuters from ending it all by hurtling themselves on to the railway-tracks (only to find that their train has been delayed by half an hour…awkward) has been a morbid fascination to see how the Eurozone debt crisis turns out.

The good news for us Northern Hemisphere folk is that there will be a reason to get out of bed this weekend (unless you have a TV in the bedroom, in which case you won’t have to move at all), as International Rugby is back on the menu with the start of the 6 Nations tournament! Yeeehaw….

And just so you can enjoy it all the more, here’s Big Daddy’s essential guide:

 

ENGLAND

Coach: Stuart Lancaster – no pressure Stu, the RFU is right behind you…literally, so watch your back.

Captain: Chris Robshaw – has more syllables in his name than caps…experience isn’t everything, is it?

Man to watch: David Strettle – the Premiership’s in-form winger.

Strapline: A young, inexperienced side with a lot to prove but not much to live up to.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Policy of Truth or Condemnation (depending on how much the tabloids find out)

Team motto: ‘No news is good news’.

BDR’s Prediction: 4th

 

FRANCE

Coach: Philippe Saint-Andre, also known as ‘The Pig’…apparently.

Captain: Thierry Dusautoir – IRB player of the year.

Man to watch: Imanol Harinordoquy – you can’t pronounce his name and he hates you for it. A tour de force.

Strapline: The team to beat…if they decide to play.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Sometimes or A Question of Lust (depending on what mood they’re in)

Team motto: ‘Give it to Thierry’.

BDR’s Prediction: 1st

 

IRELAND

Coach: Declan Kidney – softly spoken number-cruncher.

Captain: Paul O’Connell – in the absence of injured golden-boy Brian O’Driscoll.

Man to watch: Stephen Ferris – a potato man-mountain with speed.

Strapline: Not as good as their provincial teams.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Never Let Me Down Again

Team motto: ‘Age before beauty.’

BDR’s Prediction: 3rd

 

ITALY

Coach: Jacques Brunel – a Frenchman, a turncoat…a part-time amateur film-maker?!

Captain: Sergio Parisse – if they could clone him to make a whole team, they would.

Man to watch: Martin Castrogiovanni – powerful name, powerful man.

Strapline: The whipping-boys

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Dream On

Team motto: ‘Rome was not built in a day…or even 10 years’

BDR’s Prediction: 6th – at best.

 

SCOTLAND

Coach: Andy Robinson – lost his hair even before he started coaching Scotland.

Captain: Ross Ford – who?!…he’s replacing Kelly Brown…oh…wait… who?!

Man to watch: John Barclay – best flanker in the tournament, depending on who you’re talking to and if they’re Scottish.

Strapline:  If only they could score a try they might win something.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: Everything Counts

Team motto: ‘The end justifies the means’.

BDR’s Prediction: 5th

 

WALES

Coach: Warren Gatland – Wales’ adopted son.

Captain: Sam Warburton – one of the players of the World Cup…when he stays on the field.

Man to watch: George North – “It’s alive!”…and it’s as fast as a friggin freight-train.

Strapline: Best of the Home Nations…could win it if they have belief.

If they had a Depeche Mode theme tune: A Question of Time or Agent Orange (if Gavin Henson is in the squad)

Team motto: ‘Boys will be boys’.

BDR’s Prediction: 2nd

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 430 other followers