The Springboks have a new coach and there’s that familiar feeling that comes with clearing out the rubbish (by rubbish I mean you PdV). Every time there is a new coach, the whole country gets that insane optimism that things are never going to be bad again. So in the spirit of eternal hope and new starts, here are a few things we’d like to ask of the Springbok coach:
- No more Bryan Habana. Geez that guy is kak. So unbelievably kak. He is sooo kak. Please don’t pick him again. ever. It’s not even funny kak like the days of Jorrie Muller when Rudolf used to pick his backline based on comedic impact. Habana is just kak. Only if he actually top the try scoring table should he be considered. None of this, he has found his form “’cause he looked in the training facility playing ping-pong against Fourie du Preez”.
- More Lambo, less Morne. That could be tough for you, I know.
- Get a restraining order on Earl Rose please.
- Let’s not have three Bulls hookers in the squad.
- Can you do something about that hair thingy you’ve got going on at the top of your head? You represent me, I’m from Cape Town and we don’t do our hair like that. I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve with that thing, but its embarrassing me son.
- I don’t mind ugly rugby, I really don’t. Heck, I’ll take a 6-5 scoreless victory over the All Blacks every Saturday, even if those 6 points were scored by two droppies from inside our own half. I really don’t mind that sort of thing, just don’t talk about “passion”. I like my rugby players cold, merciless and cruel. Like Hannibal Lecter. If I hear you say that the reason we lost on a particular Saturday is because our players “didn’t want it enough” I’m going to personally jump over the sponsors boards and embarrass you by weeping tears of blood at your next press conference.
- Pick players based on the overall game, not just that one thing they really do well. I know Wynand Olivier is hot with the girls and the metrosexuals, but he can’t tackle to save his life. So there’s that.
- I want you to swear at least one Supersport presenter. To his face. Call him f–king stupid or something like that when he asks you if you were disappointed to lose a game you lost in the dying seconds. I’d love that. Really, you can pick any of the presenters, but I’d really like it if it was Darren or Joel. That would be great. While you’re at it, you should tell Joel that he’s been milking that one drop kick for over fifteen years now. Even Vanilla Ice has moved on from his one hit wonder. Sure, there was coke and heroine involved… but still. Also, ask Joel if he is the one paying DSTV to keep showing footage of that drop goal. We get it, Joel. Everyone has f–king seen it now. I promise you, you’ll be recognized at the local Mugg & Bean. You don’t have to worry about some oke in a Bok jersey not picking up your drinks tab.
- Can you do something about those Cheetahs cheerleaders while you’re at it?
- I’d really like to dominate the All Blacks – ever. Despite them winning the World Cup they are still the weakest All Black side I’ve seen in a while. Finish them Heyneke.
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