The Springboks have a new coach and there’s that familiar feeling that comes with clearing out the rubbish (by rubbish I mean you PdV). Every time there is a new coach, the whole country gets that insane optimism that things are never going to be bad again. So in the spirit of eternal hope and new starts, here are a few things we’d like to ask of the Springbok coach:
- No more Bryan Habana. Geez that guy is kak. So unbelievably kak. He is sooo kak. Please don’t pick him again. ever. It’s not even funny kak like the days of Jorrie Muller when Rudolf used to pick his backline based on comedic impact. Habana is just kak. Only if he actually top the try scoring table should he be considered. None of this, he has found his form “’cause he looked in the training facility playing ping-pong against Fourie du Preez”.
- More Lambo, less Morne. That could be tough for you, I know.
- Get a restraining order on Earl Rose please.
- Let’s not have three Bulls hookers in the squad.
- Can you do something about that hair thingy you’ve got going on at the top of your head? You represent me, I’m from Cape Town and we don’t do our hair like that. I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve with that thing, but its embarrassing me son.
- I don’t mind ugly rugby, I really don’t. Heck, I’ll take a 6-5 scoreless victory over the All Blacks every Saturday, even if those 6 points were scored by two droppies from inside our own half. I really don’t mind that sort of thing, just don’t talk about “passion”. I like my rugby players cold, merciless and cruel. Like Hannibal Lecter. If I hear you say that the reason we lost on a particular Saturday is because our players “didn’t want it enough” I’m going to personally jump over the sponsors boards and embarrass you by weeping tears of blood at your next press conference.
- Pick players based on the overall game, not just that one thing they really do well. I know Wynand Olivier is hot with the girls and the metrosexuals, but he can’t tackle to save his life. So there’s that.
- I want you to swear at least one Supersport presenter. To his face. Call him f–king stupid or something like that when he asks you if you were disappointed to lose a game you lost in the dying seconds. I’d love that. Really, you can pick any of the presenters, but I’d really like it if it was Darren or Joel. That would be great. While you’re at it, you should tell Joel that he’s been milking that one drop kick for over fifteen years now. Even Vanilla Ice has moved on from his one hit wonder. Sure, there was coke and heroine involved… but still. Also, ask Joel if he is the one paying DSTV to keep showing footage of that drop goal. We get it, Joel. Everyone has f–king seen it now. I promise you, you’ll be recognized at the local Mugg & Bean. You don’t have to worry about some oke in a Bok jersey not picking up your drinks tab.
- Can you do something about those Cheetahs cheerleaders while you’re at it?
- I’d really like to dominate the All Blacks – ever. Despite them winning the World Cup they are still the weakest All Black side I’ve seen in a while. Finish them Heyneke..
Will drop pants for place in Welsh squad.
Who can take a sunrise
Sprinkle it in dew
Cover it in chocolate
and a miracle or two?
The Gav-man can
The Gav-man can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good
Who can take a rainbow
Wrap it as a sigh
Soak it in the sun
and make a strawberry lemon pie?
Children: The Gav-man?
The Gav-man can
The Gav-man can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good
Sanzar recently confirmed that the controversial New Zealand referee has not been invited to officiate over any Super Rugby matches taking place in South Africa this year.
Sanzar’s referee boss Lyndon Bray stressed that the decision is in no way a reflection of Lawrence’s professionalism or linked to his clinical blindness, a condition he has suffered with since birth, but purely to avoid the medical bill and law suit associated with the obligatory pistol whipping as soon as the ref set foot on SA soil.
Lawrence was not available for comment, but his guide dog Kurtley is said to be very distraught by the decision, having repeatedly pooped on his favourite Kashmir rug – a gift from close friend Robbie Deans during the World Cup.
Bryce Lawrence's welcome committee gather at Oliver Tambo airport
Heyneke Meyer - the former Bond Villain of SA rugby who coached the Bulls across space and time from his undersea lair deep in the Pacific Ocean.
Heyneke is the new man in the Springbok coach hotseat. Victor Matfield’s wildest dreams just came true (too late for Vic though) and the man who built the Bulls powerhouse of the early 21st century is in now in charge of the green and gold Jersey.
So what does that mean for the Boks? A few thoughts…
A return from international isolation isolation for Liefling? Probably. Helluva boring rugby consisting of drop goals from anywhere under 70 metres out and outside backs who are hired for their ability to take up and unders rather than then break the line should be the order of the day.
In other words, Morne Steyn’s stock just went up. Lambo’s just went down.
All the young promising talent of other regions will suddenly find the move up north a lot more promising. If you get in the good books of that oke with the funny haircut in the tracksuit who has been on the Bulls bench since apartheid, I am pretty sure he will put in a good word with Heyneke for you.
Low risk rugby? As they say in Wisconsin, “you betcha!”. Hell, I’m probably okay with that, although the audible sighs are already eminating from Forries (and not just because the keg is broken again). The purists are already arguing about abolishing the drop goal and wanting “beautiful rugby”.
A Bulls quota system again *sigh*. A minimum of three Bulls hookers in each Bok squad before any other team’s hooker gets a look in.
Oy, Western Province and the romantics… PeedeeVee set you back a century my friends. It’s time for the anti-Snor.
Yip – it is true. Rassie Erasmus has left the Western Province building and is off to presumably greener pastures than the 70-inspired cement decor of the Newlands back offices. Interestingly enough, he hasn’t said where he is going. As a man with a family, it is unlikely he is just “winging it”. He’s got a plan in place. So why is he keeping mum about it?
Here are latest theories doing the rounds as to what his career holds for him after Western Province:
- The bok coaching job is in the bag. He is trying to do the right thing by Western Province by letting them know to start looking for a new Director sooner rather than later.
- A coaching stint in France with Biarritz. He’s trading in the funny money in his Saffer wallet for that nice steady smell of the freshly printed Euro and talk of Eurozone fiscal policy rather than Malema and the colour of your wings’ skin.
- Lil’ Rassie (as his family calls him) was given an iPhone this Christmas and he’s not looking back. After making a little amusing movie involving his Jack Russell wearing a silly hat and sunglasses, Rassie decided rugby coaching was just not his passion anymore. He will be off to Paris first to immerse himself in French theatre before he searches the depths of German Existentialist drama. Young Rassie, cap in hand, iPhone in pocket and recently downloaded iPhone Movie Maker app has big dreams, little ears and a plan to rock the indie cinema world.
- After a few heated discussions with Alistair Coetzee in the Stormers pre-season camp it became obvious that one of them was going to have to go. Coetzee is holding Erasmus back from pursuing his dancing talent as was made oh so clear at the staff party at Forries pub.
- Rassie has been working on a script and is off to Hollywood to float it. It involves two Americans, one a former cop who left the service under disgrace, the other a beautiful scientist, in a race against time to uncover massive corruption at the European Union Statistics Office and the manner in which they report debt to GDP ratios.
Percy has always been one of the more animated of South Africa’s rugby players, so it was not much of a surprise to see him turn-up in Dreamworks animated movie Shrek.
Some critics argued that his portrayal of Prince Charming was a bit OTT, though personally I think the white boots were a nice touch.
BDR reckons it’s just a matter of time before we see Monty playing the role he was born for…. the Danish King!
To be blonde, or not to be blonde...that is the question.
Our usually reliable source in Durban (the same one who said that Suarez was a nice guy, actually) has reliably informed us that young Patrick Lambie has been on a gruelling off season training routine trying to grow something resembling facial hair. He has set himself the 2012 goal of a little pencil moustache before the end of the year and a career goal of trying to emulate the “grizzly bear on crack” look from Josh Strauss’ 2011 season.
Lambo’s motivation to achieve this 2012 goal came from a party after the World Cup, where he was openly mocked by several Stellenbosch groupies at the Acapulco Spur. Insults like “Hey… Clean Shirt” and “Gillette Boy” were bandied about with much regularlarity until Lambie was seen bursting into tears only to be rescued by Victor Matfield who proceeded to stop the taunting by repeatedly smashing Bismark Du Plessis’ face into the bar counter. Lambie spent the rest of the evening crouched in the fetal position in the corner of the bar, whispering to himself and sobbing gently every now and then. Out of this dark evening was born Pat’s hunger to grow facial hair and to one day be able to imitate the two heroes in his life: Victor Matfield and Mark Lawrence.
His rigorous off season of “manning up” has included his first taste of alchohol, learning “lines” to use on girls at bars, a weekend camping at the Cedarberg without his Playstation 3 and his first trip to Mavericks (which ended badly, but he has vowed to try again). Bismark has had to make things up to Lambie by helping him with his dress sense (no more Bugs Bunny ties at Springbok sporting functions Lambo!) and also by teaching him how to eye-gouge and apply the “one-incher” at the bottom of the ruck. If things don’t improve before season end we understand he will be hiring Mike Tindale…
Lambie has been known to hide his shame by surrounding himself with complete knobs in a desparate attempt to appear likeable.
England’s caretaker coach Stuart Lancaster is contemplating regular AA meetings as part of the team’s preparation ahead of the Six Nations next month.
This comes after scrum-half Danny Care was arrested twice in three weeks for drink‑related offences. The Harlequins player was stopped by police on New Year’s Eve for driving while twice over the limit, having previously been arrested for being drunk and disorderly.
Care has now been thrown-out of the squad and Lancaster is said to be extremely disappointed, reportedly saying ‘Danny is an embarrassment to the team, Tindall would’ve been at least five times over the limit and would still have had the sense to try and do a runner…he has a BMW 5-series for Christ’s sake!’
The recently appointed coach is insisting that there is not an endemic drinking problem within the England ranks and has defended the proposed AA meetings as being a motivational exercise in which the players will learn to have fun outside of a ‘24-hour drug fueled partython environment.’
The dramatically reduced risk of hepatitis of the liver would just be an added bonus.
Danny Care contemplates missing-out on the Six nations...over a stiff drink of course.
As you may have noticed, things have been kind of quiet on Big Daddy Rugby. We’ve taken a few days off for the holidays while we think about the way ahead for this site in 2012. If you have any suggestions for what you’d like to see from us (or less of) in 2012, please feel free to send them to email@example.com or comment below.