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Archive | September, 2011

Genius Hugh Bladen Impersonation

30 Sep

So it looks like I’ve missed the boat by quite some margin with this little beauty…but believe me, if you haven’t already seen this gem of a clip it’s most definitely worth the effort of clicking that ol’ left mouse button…

It’s 100% hands down the best Hugh Bladen impersonation I’ve ever seen…(it’s also the only impersonation of Hugh Bladen that I’ve ever seen…but don’t let that stop you…seriously, this is good!)

I probably need to give credit to overtohugh.co.za although that website is no longer “up and running”…but regardless, there it is…

Also, if you’re offended by swearing, have small children near by, play in a worship band, or just generally don’t appreciate the fine art that is NSFW…then maybe it’s best to give this one a miss for now…

Over to Hugh…

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Berlusconi promises to ‘treat’ Azzurri

28 Sep

Italian Prime Minister and self-confessed playboy Silvio Berlusconi has reportedly promised to throw an extravagant party for the Azzurri if they beat Ireland in their crunch match this Sunday – a gesture that seems particularly ill-timed in light of the current state of the Italian economy.

The eternally bronzed PM was overjoyed with the recent victory over the USA and despite his ‘special relationship’ with Vladimir Putin, he was particularly pleased with the result against Russia last week, saying:

 “I would’ve watched the match if only the plasma screen in the Jacuzzi room had been working, but the twins spilt some bubbly on it during a particularly frantic mud-fight.”

By promising the team a shindig that they won’t forget (or possibly remember) Berlusconi will be hoping to inspire them to secure a place in the quarter finals. There are even rumours that his wingman Putin may put in an appearance so the two can perform their infamous ‘Jagerbomb run’ routine, which is generally followed-up with his favourite ‘cook the cannelloni’ party-trick.

Berlusconi and 'friends'...air stewardess just out of shot

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Bryce Lawrence: Endorsements 101

27 Sep

Oh dear…I think someone might need to have a quiet word with “Dean from Dublin”…

I’m no expert but surely asking someone who’s consistently wrong to endorse you or your product isn’t the best move in the book?

Or is this just another example of that saying “There’s no such thing as bad publicity” ?

At least Bryce looks pretty relaxed…must be that “Deep sports’ massage” he’s just had…which I suppose kind of means that Dean is actually doing a pretty decent job…

Way to go Silas, you knob…

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The Beard of Josh Strauss Speaks – World Cup Update

26 Sep

We are three games in to the world cup and it’s time to catch up with our special correspondent – the beard of Josh Strauss (note: for legal and financial reasons we were unable to attain the services of Josh Strauss himself, we could only afford his beard).

BDR: Josh’s beard, there have been a few close games and one or two upsets. Who has impressed you?

The Beard: Of course – everyone’s favourite at this stage is the All Blacks. How they will bottle yet another World Cup from here remains a mystery to even me.  The Wallabies in the semis?  The Boks?  The French again in the final would be a very funny if unoriginal way of choking this one though.  There are so many options available to Henry to once again let down his entire nation.

Ireland are looking to be the surprise package for me. I’m thinking it may very well be a good thing that South Africa will get to avoid them in the quarterfinals.  Taking on Australia is not as daunting as it looked four weeks ago.  I’ve spoken to Dick Muir and the Boks are taking plenty of precautions in their preparation for the Wallaby Match.  It looks as though Robbie Deans will keep faith in his selection of Quade Cooper, so all the Bok players have been issued cable locks to prevent their laptops from being stolen.

BDR: Any heartbreakers for you?

The Beard: Scotland.  What were they thinking?  I’ve seen Braveheart a few times, I know that the world is a cold cruel place but Dan Parks… eesshhh…  How could his team shaft him like that? They set him up to fail by transferring all the pressure onto him for that final drop goal attempt.  A shovelled pass with no protection from the loosies.  I was just gutted to see Scotland through that game away.

BDR: Any minnows that you have taken a shining to?

The Beard: For me the USA have been plucky in all their outings thus far. Having the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels, I mean Todd Cleaver, as their captain has allowed them a certain insight into southern hemisphere rugby they’ve lacked in the past.  They have show steady improvement over the last few tournaments.

BDR: And the Boks chances?

The Beard: Hmmm…. (a strand of hair reaches into the beard and thoughtfully and disturbingly strokes the beard).  I’m not optimistic. We looked good in patches against Fiji. But that’s Fiji, we have a tough road to the trophy and it will require consistently playing to the best of our ability.  Consistency has not been a feature of this current Bok squad and that’s going to bite us.   The replacements for our injuries have done well and have made a strong case for keeping the original players out of the starting line up.  But I just don’t think we are consistently playing at the level required to win World Cups.  That being said, I must give credit to the coaches – De Villiers’ management of Bismark has been pure genius.

BDR: Really?  He has come in for a lot of stick for selecting Smit ahead of him. Why do you say that?

The Beard: Don’t you see…?  It is part of the master strategy.  By selecting Smit ahead of Bismark they’re just making Bismark really, really, really angry. And you wouldn’t want to see him when he’s really, really, really angry…

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Zinzan Brooke: “Them’s fighting words!”

24 Sep

Zinzan – you’ll always be a legend in South Africa because of your audacious drop-goal, but I’m not sure how to intepret this Twitter bio:

Zinzan proving that real New Zealander's can be knobs too - not just the supporters at Newlands.

Is this tribute to the greatness of the Bok team in that “we only hate players and teams who are truly epic” vibe, or are you still gutted that the closest your nation has gotten to the Webb Ellis trophy since 1987 is the day when you watched Francois Pienaar carrying it past you in the tunnel at Ellis Park?

It must sting just a little knowing that had you scored one more point on that fateful day you might have had Clint Eastwood making a moving about you starring Matt Damon.

Geez dude… it was one drop goal, even Joel Stransky doesn’t go on about his that much.  Seriously, get a life.

Francois Hougaard: How it all began

23 Sep

As a young boy Francois had very little interest in rugby. In fact one could go as far as to say that he actually hated the game.

Growing up on a small holding just outside of Paarl Francois’ interests were heavily influenced by his four older sisters and it didn’t take long for him to find his true passion in life…cheerleading.

Soon Francois was dedicating all of his free time to learning everything he could about this much under appreciated art form. He spent ages studying the techniques of the past greats, focusing on champion cheerleaders such as “Kurt McCurdy”, “Leroy De Kous-kous” and “Little Jonny Johnson”. His hunger for knowledge was matched only by his ambition to succeed.

All of his hard work soon paid off and it came as no surprise when Francois was named as Captain of his schools’ elite cheerleading squad at the tender age of just 15. Further success followed in the form of an invitation to try out for the U17 ”Wynland Regions”  squad, an opportunity he made full use of by being named “Most Flexible Newcomer” that year.

After completing Matric Francois knew that the only way he could do justice to his burgeoning cheerleading talents would be by joining up with a professional cheerleading outfit, so when he heard that the “Bulls Babes” were auditioning he packed up his Mazda 323 and made a bee-line north for Pretoria.

Unfortunately Francois hadn’t realised that he lacked the essential “physical attributes” necessary to become a successful “Bulls Babe” and the audition was a complete disaster.

Thankfully though, fate had other plans for him and it surely wasn’t just a coincidence that both Victor Matfield and Frans Ludeke were in attendance that day, checking out the quality of the new talent on offer. His energetic and abrasive audition routine so impressed the two men that they offered him a trial run with the Bulls that very same day. Having no other viable options available to him Francois accepted and the rest, as they say, is history.

Rugby has been kind to Francois and although he’s risen to the top of the game it’s a poorly kept secret that his heart still belongs to cheerleading.                    Keep an eye on him the next time he plays and you’ll more than likely notice him lustily staring at the cheerleaders as they go about their business…

Longing…wanting…sometimes even softly weeping…

Francois' favourite cheer: 1,2,3,4...Let me hear you scream some more...GO BULLE!!!

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Big Daddy’s guide to a replacement Haka

22 Sep

Bok coach Peter de Villiers caused a bit of a stir this week by suggesting that the Haka was losing its respect due to its being performed too often.

Well, the Kiwis have no need to worry as here’s BDR’s guide to other potential pre-match challenges that could be just as effective.

The Macarena

Everybody’s favourite Latin dance sensation that allowed even geeks a chance to look good on the dance-floor.

Pros: Optional maracas could be a nice touch (we’re looking at you Sonny Bill!)

Cons: Opposing team are likely to join in, which would just get plain awkward

The Hokey-Pokey (Cokey)

Old school participation song-cum-dance that set the benchmark for others to follow.

Pros: So easy (the words are the moves) that even the most uncoordinated can do it…Colin ‘butter fingers’  Slade take note!

Cons: The ‘shake it all about’ section may not set the right tone for the match

The Time Warp

The indie S&M version of the Hokey Pokey featured in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

 

Pros: More edgy than the others, but just as addictive and the All-Black kit fits the mood perfectly

Cons: Tricky to sing and perform with some high vocal register parts – so lots of warm-up required

Y.M.C.A

Who doesn’t know the Y.M.C.A? The ultimate party dance made famous by the sports bar-loving Village People.

Pros: The element of surprise and a good excuse to be more adventurous with facial hair

Cons: Too many to mention

So there you have it…something for Graham Henry’s successor to mull over.

If BDR readers have any of their own suggestions  please feel free to try these out in the privacy of your own home.

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Things you didn’t know about the Welsh squad

21 Sep

Not many people know that Peter Jackson first conceived of his Lord of the Rings Trilogy project while on tour with the Welsh squad to New Zealand in the mid-90s.  In between filling in at tight-head, Peter Jackson was able to scope out locations, meet with special effects studios and generally sketch out his blue print for the trilogy that would go on to break box office records.

In order to prevent being harassed by Lord of The Rings fanboys, Peter goes by his stage name "Adam Jones" when playing for Wales.

 

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Ronan O’Gara tells it like it is

20 Sep

Are you tired of clichéd post match interviews?                                                                  Tired of hearing the same old regurgitated lines match after match?

Well then click away and allow Ronan O’Gara to change your perception of how moving and honest a post match interview can actually be.

Fantastic display by the Irish on Saturday morning! Those boys pretty much made my weekend, even taking the Boks clinical performance against the Fijians into account.

High Five to you Ronan for letting your guard down and allowing yourself to come across like an actual human being instead of just another media trained, PR managed, vacuous sports playing bore.

I’ll have some more of this please…

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Should the Boks throw a game to get the easier final route?

19 Sep

Would you want this man taking responsibility for your team's goal kicks?

The Irish upset of the more fancied Wallabies has caused a significant change the shape of the knockout finals.  On current form – it looks like the Southern Hemisphere teams are now all lining up on one (tougher) side of the knockout draw with the Northern Hemisphere sides lining up on the other.

As of today, it looks like we can expect the following results from the pool stages:

  • Pool A: 1st New Zealand 2nd France
  • Pool B: 1st England 2nd Argentina
  • Pool C: 1st Ireland 2nd Australia
  • Pool D: 1st South Africa 2nd Wales (though Fiji can still squeak in 2nd)

Which means that we can expect the following draw in the knockout stages

  • New Zealand v Argentina
  • South Africa v Australia
  • England v France
  • Ireland v Wales

The winner of SA vs Aus game will face the winner of NZ vs Arg (i.e. New Zealand).  Hell… what a road to take for South Africa to get to the final.

Ireland and Wales on the other hand have secured themselves an all “6-Nations” route to the final.  Right now, Wales’ one point loss to the Boks is looking like  a stroke of genius if there ever was one.  So should the Boks strategically lose the game against Namibia to secure the “easier route” to the Final?

I can see how this could be very easily done.  Bakkies Botha can be given the goal kicking responsibilities, they can pick Ruan Pienaar and Adi Jacobs as props and give as much ball as possible to Bryan Habana (in space preferably).

There’s only one flaw with this system – that the World Cup always throws the proverbial “box of tarantulas” into the mix in the final round of pool matches. There’s no guarantee that results will go according to the form book. Just ask anyone who has left a World Cup match between France and New Zealand with the Kiwi’s up at half time.

If you ask me, the Boks are most likely better taking the advice of Tom Beringer in Major League:

So Bryan Habana – it looks like you’re going to have to stay “injured” after all.

Interview with ‘Grizzly’ Adam Kleeberger

18 Sep

In keeping with our (un)healthy obsession with facial hair, Big Daddy Rugby decided it was time to put a few questions to Canada’s Adam Kleeberger.

The first thing you notice about Kleeberger is the size of the man’s hands. My gosh they’re huge – like giant paddles. I was fortunate enough to track him down at the team’s hotel in Napier ahead of their big match against France.

Kleeberger has caused quite a stir at the tournament, with his ‘wild-man’ beard trending almost as much as Jay-Z’s love-child. The big man also had a massive game against the Tongans, with the Canucks having edged the Pacific Islanders by a whisker.

On entering the hotel lobby, Kleeberger was immediately noticeable by being shoe-less and sitting in the double lotus position. This was going to be interesting…

Big Daddy Rugby: Hi Adam, thanks for taking the time to meet with BDR today.

Adam Kleeberger: Don’t mention it. By the way, you made a lot of noise on your approach. I could hear you a mile off.

BDR: Oh right….is that a bad thing?

AK: If you want to last one night in the Canadian wilds it is. Your smell gives you away too.

BDR: Thanks, I guess…if I could ask you about the Tongan match. Was that more of a scare than you were hoping for?

AK: I don’t believe in fear. Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

BDR: That’s interesting. Didn’t Yoda say that?

AK: No.

BDR: Okay.

At this point in the interview Kleeberger closed his eyes and took a number of deep breaths

AK: Okay, I’m back!

BDR: Great. Will the team be trying a different approach in the match against the French?

AK: As a team we don’t believe in trying. Do or do not, there is no try.

BDR: Err..Isn’t that something else that….never mind. So the ‘growth’ is getting quite a bit of coverage at the moment? Do you…

AK: Don’t move! Stay perfectly still! A wasp has just landed on your shoulder and if you move he will strike you dead compadre!

BDR: I’m not so sure they’re THAT lethal…

AK: You weren’t THERE man!

BDR: Vietnam??

AK: British Columbia…1998. Swarm of wasps as thick as mud. I had to go to ground for three days straight.

Kleeberger springs from his seated position and swipes the wasp with one of  his mighty paws

BDR: Geez..thanks Adam! Close shave huh?!

AK: (Chuckles) I wouldn’t know my friend. I wouldn’t know.

BDR: Well anyway, enjoy the rest of the tournament and may the force be with you!

Swift exit BDR

'Grizzly' Adam Kleeberger....he knows what you did last summer!

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Ireland 15 – Australia 6

17 Sep

I think I could be happy.

 

James tries his best not to get his hair wet.

 

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Signs of reincarnation in the Bok squad…literally

17 Sep

At Big Daddy we take pride in asking the ‘big questions’ that matter, the questions that challenge the norm, and that others just don’t have the balls to ask.

  • is the ‘war on terror’ merely a smokescreen for a new wave of Western imperialism?
  • has the world financial crisis been stage managed for the benefit of a wealthy elite?
  • is Gurthro Steenkamp the reincarnation of ancient Egyptian high priest and polymath Imhotep?

Gurthro's response to the Fijian haka had Ancient Egyptian mythology written all over it

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The real Mike Tindall scandal

16 Sep

As I’m sure you all know, we here at Big Daddy Rugby pride ourselves on journalistic integrity and only cover stories that we know to be 100% factually true.

We’re more than happy to leave the sensationalism and mud-slinging to the tabloids and to rather just focus on delivering you, our readers, with accurate, informative rugby related articles.

That’s why we’re not doing a piece on how Mike Tindall had a few “sherberts” and then entertained himself with a little bit of harmless dwarf tossing in Queenstown the other night.  We see no point in mentioning that the recently royal wedded English Captain was also spotted deep in ”conversation” with a rather fetching, young, busty blonde on that very same night. (And no, it wasn’t Lewis Moody).

We’re really not interested. Our standards are higher than that. Much higher.

Instead we’d like to focus on the state of his nose. Have you seen that conker?! My word! That’s a real “deal breaker” right there. I’m guessing it’ll be “touched up” when his rugby playing days finally come to an end? Surely?

Watch out you Georgians, that thing could do some serious damage out on the field!

Is that a nose on your face or are you just happy to see me?

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The top reasons to be embarrassed about being a South African

15 Sep

Our countdown of the top three reasons to be embarrassed about being a South African:

3:

Julius Malema

2:

Apartheid

1:

Our nation's shame.

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Russia versus America – the cold war is back!

14 Sep

"It's suicide. You've seen him, you know how strong he is. You can't win."

Thursday’s match between Russia and the USA is shaping up to be one of the epic contests in this year’s World Cup. It’s the stuff of cold war fantasies and for a generation who grew up watching Rambo III, Miracle on Ice and Weekend at Bernies 2, it is a chance to rekindle the greatest rivalry of the late 20th century: the cold war.

America and Russia are not known as traditional rugby playing nations, so some readers may not be familiar with back story to this grudge match and why so much is at stake in this encounter.  We thought we’d bring you up to speed:

The build up to Thursday’s game began two years ago during the campaign to qualify for the World Cup, when star Russian player, Alexey Travkin, first arrived in the USA. Travkin who at 6 foot 5 and 261 pounds bears an uncanny resemblance to Dolph Lundgren, arrived with his coach Nicolay Nerush and a team of trainers to challenge the best American rugby players.  At their first training session the Russians showed off plenty of high-tech training equipment to a mesmerised American public.

Motivated by a misguided sense of American patriotism and too many DSTV reruns, former heavyweight champion and USA Eagles rugby player, Apollo Creed, emerged from retirement to take on Travkin at a game of touch rugby at San Diego beach. Despite his reservations,  Eagles captain Todd Cleaver agreed to train Apollo for the match “one last time” only to see him savagely torn apart by Travkin. Travkin was heard muttering “if he dies… he dies” at the press conference later that evening.

Driven by a deep sense of guilt Todd Cleaver and the rest of the USA Eagles team decided to avenge Apollo Creed’s death by agreeing to make their World Cup clash with Russia a “match of honour” . To prepare for the encounter, the Russians have been extensively evaluated and coached by a team of trainers and doctors with scientific instruments. The Americans however have used a Spartan approach: they threw heavy logs, chopped wood and jogged in heavy snow past icicles in the cold tundra of the Northern Hemisphere.

It all comes down to this Thursday.  Russia versus America. Who will prevail?

In the words of Survivor: “Is it East versus West or Man versus Man?”

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John “Comandante” Smit: My people love me…

13 Sep

After the roller-coaster ride that was Sundays’ game Big Daddy Rugby was fortunate enough to be granted a private audience with none other than the Springbok Captain, John “Comandante” Smit.

The informal chat took place in a bunker deep below the Wellington “Cake Tin” stadium where the beleaguered Captain was holed up with a few of his bodyguards and a couple of bottles of his favourite Old Brown Sherry.

The atmosphere in the room was tense and we were instructed beforehand that eye contact was to be kept to an absolute minimum and to ensure that we addressed him as “Comandante” at all times.

It’s been a tough last few months for the 2007 World Cup winning Captain, with a growing number of fans back home becoming more and more disgruntled with the state of the national team, and in particular his dismissal of mounting global pressure to step down from the team and head off into exile.

When asked about his suitability to lead the Springboks at this World Cup he laughed loudly and said “We put our fingers in the eyes of those who doubt that the Boks are ruled by anyone other than its people”.

Asked to clarify this statement he shot back: “They love me. All my people with me. They love me all. They would die to protect me”.

He seemed unconcerned about the pressure being applied by Bismarck du Plessis for a starting place in the team, and spoke of fans calling for his retirement as “It is betrayal, they have no morals! Let them be eaten by hungry dogs!”

The “Comandante” also alleged that those questioning his importance to the team “were under the influence of drugs supplied by outsiders” and that they are unable to think like “normal rational human beings”.

Unfortunately, that was pretty much all we were able to get from the “Comandante” on this occasion. As the mood lightened and the conversation started to flow so to did the Old Brown Sherry. Lots and lots of Old Brown Sherry in fact. We’re still not entirely sure if it was Smokeys’ attempt at the Macarena or Silas’s challenge to a “stare down” that tipped him over the edge, but regardless the “Comandante” was not impressed and our nice little chat came to a rather abrupt end…which is maybe something that the “Comandante” might want to consider for himself, no?

Comandante Smit: Taking half time team talks to the next level...

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The Return of the Minnows

12 Sep

Japanese coach John Kirwan takes his star player Tomoki Yoshida through his paces in training last week.

The first weekend of the World Cup 2011 is over and it was an absolute scorcher! This is going to be a great World Cup if the opening matches are anything to go by.  There was nail-baiting tension, isolated incidents of brawling and epic victories – and we’re just talking about John Smit’s attempts to get to the food buffet ahead of Dr Jannie.

But most pleasing of all was the fact that this weekend the smaller rugby nations stood toe-to-toe with the traditional rugby powerhouses and looked all the better for it.  Two stand out minnow performances this weekend were Romania almost pulling off an upset against Scotland and Italy holding Australia 6-6 at half time.

It’s a far cry from earlier tournaments when teams like Japan and Uruguay used to get absolutely annihilated and it makes for a far better tournament.  Historically we’ve had to put up with a snooze-fest before the real contest begins with the quarters, but this World Cup looks like it is offering a lot for fans in the early stages.

Seeing the passion in the faces of the Americans before kickoff was something special – if you were a neutral and the American efforts didn’t tug on your heartstrings there is something wrong with you.  Not to be forgotten in the display of the minnows  a new and improved Japanese team set the North Harbour crowd on fire with some electric backplay.

Big Daddy Rugby was fortunate enough to gain some exclusive footage of the Japanese rugby team in training before the World Cup showpiece:

So a lot will be said about special players and outrageous reffing calls but for me, the tip of the hat goes to the the minnows’ coaches who deserve credit for turning the smaller teams into giants for a few short moments – moments that will live on for years in the pubs of their respective countries.

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World Cup 2011 off with a bang…sort of

9 Sep

Well the opening match between the hosts and Tonga went pretty much as expected, but it was not the pasting that most were expecting and All Black’s coach Graham Henry rated his team’s performance a disappointing 5 out of 10 and only marginally better than Sex and the City 2.

Henry has a few selection quandaries for upcoming matches with ‘hot off the bench-press’ Sonny Bill Williams dazzling the Tongans with his complicated tattoos and single-handed layoffs….in fact I lost count of how many times the commentator used the words ‘layoff’ and Sonny Bill Williams in the same sentence and I started to suspect him of merely enjoying saying the Inside centre’s catchy name.

Let’s be honest, it is pretty fun to say….Sonny Bill Williams….give it go and tell me it doesn’t instantly make you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Call me cynic,  but I found the opening ceremony pretty underwhelming. Seeing Jonah Lomu gyrating to the ‘World in Union’ anthem (in what I can only imagine to be an attempt at dancing) was up there with ‘walking in on your parents’ on the awkwardness scale. I bet Sonny Bill Williams could show him a thing or two.

If you missed the  ceremony and match…no need to fret…as BDR has compiled a special highlights package that can be seen below. And before you ask…yes, it’s mostly clips of Sonny Bill Williams.

 

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World Cup preview: The rarely seen double haka!

8 Sep

The World Cup is an opportunity to see that rare treasure in rugby union – the double haka.  Here’s a clip of Tonga facing off against New Zealand with both teams performing simultaneous hakas.  If this is a sneak peek of what we’re going to be able to witness tomorrow, then I’m officially ready for the World Cup!

 

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