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Archive | August, 2011

Wallabies vs Springboks preview: Return of the Pensioners

12 Aug

So now that the overseas leg of the Tri-Nations is over, 13 of the 15 first choice players made a *cough* miraculous recovery in time to be selected for Saturday’s test match against Australia. With only Schalk Burger and Juan Smit of the first choice Boks remaining crocked, the team that takes the field tomorrow is pretty much the team that will be representing the nation at the Rugby World Cup.

The pressure is on. If the Boks get their BMW shorts handed to them by the Aussies this Saturday, it will expose all of Peter de Villier’s preparations and talk about “judge us at the World Cup” as a sham.   For the last four years he’s been playing the “I got this under control” card.  But it will seriously be derailed if they lose on Saturday. It’s time for the returning pensioners to front up if they have any hope of winning the World Cup.

Heinrich is back from filming the remake of "The Little Rascals" and is raring to go on Saturday.

One of the most exciting team announcements is the return of Heinrich “Lobster Boy” Brussow to the starting line up (imagine my disappointment at realising my inability to find the two little .. things you’re supposed to put over the “o” in his name).  He’s been gone a while from the Bok test match set up, first recovering from an injury and then taking a small rugby sabbatical to act as Alfalfa in the Hollywood remake of the Little Rascals, but his return on Saturday will raise the interest levels of even the neutrals.

For loose forward purists, watching Brussow in action evokes the kind of emotions and interest usually reserved for discoveries of previously unreleased Heidi Klum Victoria Secret catalogues.  In other words, eyes will be glued to television sets on Saturday.

Given the rapidly approaching retirement age of most of the Bok squad there aren’t a whole lot of names in the team that still strike fear into the hearts of Wallabies players.  Fourie du Preez is one of them, Victor Matfield is another, and Heinrich Brussow should be one of them.   If the return of the veterans isn’t enough to turn this season around – well… we’re truly screwed. You may as well not bother to watch the World Cup, because they’re only going to break your hearts.

So we’re calling a win for the Boks.  Probably not out of reason, judgement or experience. But perhaps out of sincere desperation. If we can’t take the Wallabies in the Republic with a full strength team, we don’t have a prayer in Kiwiland.

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Separated at Birth? (Part 18)

11 Aug

Look! It’s moving. It’s alive. It’s alive… It’s alive, it’s moving, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, IT’S ALIVE! 

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Peter de Villiers 90% sure that Boks will win World Cup – that’s comforting…

9 Aug

Yes! Big Daddy Rugby always enjoys it when Peter de Villiers gives an interview. These posts just write themselves. So big ol’ PdV went on record yesterday stating that he was “90% sure that the Boks will win the World Cup”.  That’s comforting…

I guess we can just ignore the really bad 2010 season and the start to the 2011 campaign.  We’ve got an assurance from the man himself.  Just to make really, really sure that we can relax ahead of the big trip down under, I thought I’d do a little research (thank you Google search bar) on previous predictions Peter de Villiers has made to the media.

So according to my very reliable research Peter de Villiers has gone on record with some famous predictions before:

  • PdV was 90% sure that when George Lucas made Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace in 1999 that it was going to be “way better than the first Star Wars films”
  • PdV was 90% sure that Buster Douglas didn’t stand a chance against Mike Tyson
  • PdV was 90% sure that South Africa didn’t stand a chance in the 438 Wanderers game, so much so that he switched off the tv after Ponting’s knock, proclaiming the Proteas performance to be “bullsh@t”.
  • PdV was 90% sure that Ricky Januarie was telling the truth about that new Atkins diet he was on
  • PdV also took out a massive subprime mortgage investment at the start of 2008 – proclaiming the American real estate market to be “as safe as houses”.
Alrighty PdV, thanks for making my day. I’m going to miss you after you’re sacked after the World Cup – just like all Bok coaches.
Peter de Villiers

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Dear Dr Jannie: The 5th Letter

8 Aug

Dear Dr Jannie, 

I’m not sure if you can help me but I’ve no one else to turn to.

My Father is something of a control freak and added to that he’s an extremely successful lawyer. I’ve had my entire life mapped out for me since I can remember and now find myself in a very unsatisfying position of climbing the ladder in a career that I neither care about nor have any interest in whatsoever.

I’m tired of trying to be someone who my Father wants me to be. I can’t live up to his standards. I’m 99% sure that if I open up to him he won’t understand and that our already rocky relationship will cease to exist completely.

Help me Dr Jannie, please help me!

Aching to be free.

 

Dear Aching to be free,

When Bismarck and I were growing up on the farm Mummy used to keep track of our good behaviour with a star chat which she kept pinned to the kitchen wall. The concept was simple: 5 gold stars would result in a reward for the well-behaved son, but on the flip side even the most minor of indiscretions would lead to a star being removed from the offending bad boys’ total.

For a number of reasons, one being his uncontrolled rage, Bismarck never quite managed to crack the magic number of 5 gold Stars, and I knew it was starting to bug him. I can clearly remember seeing the burning jealousy on his face one evening as I enjoyed the prize of an extra plate of meat at supper: “Eat up Fatty” he hissed at me before storming off from the table in a huff.

After that Bismarck really made an effort to keep his anger bottled up and to appear like a normal boy. Eventually his hard work paid off in the form of 4 gold stars, his best achievement yet. One more star and he would’ve been seen as the “Good Son”, something I wasn’t about to let happen.

Now I knew that the easiest way to get Bismarck to snap would be by mentioning something saucy about “Antjie” and decided that the supper table would be the perfect place for this happen. That night, to get things rolling I gave his shin a sharp kick under the table and followed it up with a cheeky extended index finger. Then, when Mummy wasn’t looking I turned to Bismarck and whispered: “I saw Anjtie in her bikini down at the dam“, sat back and waited for the fireworks to begin. About 5 seconds passed before he suddenly shot up from his seat, grabbed a fistful of mashed potato and slammed it into my face whilst screaming: “Eat this Jannie, you dick!!! Eat this!”. Mummy cried out in horror and before I knew it Groot Opua had wrestled Bismarck into a “Camel Clutch Headlock”,  which as I’m sure you can imagine brought  about a swift end to our supper.

Needless to say Bismarck never made the step up to the “Good Son”, and although I’m not particularly proud of my actions, I do believe that sometimes good boys do need to play dirty.

Be who you need to be “Aching to be free”, and go well!

Dr Jannie

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Wallabies vs All Blacks – detailed game analysis

6 Aug

How tiny are Richie Mccaw’s ears? I’ve never seen anything like it. I can’t look away from the screen – they have drawn me in, like hypnotic circling cobras…

I think this may be why he is so effective at the ruck and maul – opponents and referees are simply mesmerized by how small those ears are.

20110806-112119.jpg

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England v Wales: World Cup warm-up preview

4 Aug

So what can we expect from Saturday’s clash between these two great Northern Hemisphere rivals? Well, the pundits will certainly be backing the men in white (black?) with their home ground advantage and recent resurgence in form. England have been on a steady upward climb, having triumphed in the 6 nations earlier this year and only narrowly losing out on the Grand Slam with a defeat at the hands of the Irish. Oh yes…the black stuff flowed freely on the streets of Dublin that day! Looking at the England line-up you’d be forgiven for thinking it was the Barbarians taking to the field, with the likes of Manusamoa Tuilagi set to make his debut.

Define 'regulation tackle'

Warren Gatland’s Welsh team have not been at their best of late, but they hate the English as much as everyone else so will be trying their darndest to cause an upset. The team has also struggled with their off-field discipline, with the likes of Gavin Henson focusing on his career in reality tv (not having to do his own make up makes a nice change) and scrum-half Mike ‘Burger Boy’ Phillips having been suspended indefinitely for a late-night fracas outside a McDonalds in Cardiff. Phillips’ happy-meal soon turned sad when a bouncer refused him entry and he was forced to eat the pavement instead. I know what you’re thinking…bouncers at McDonalds? How bloody ‘hard’ is Cardiff??

There’s also more at stake than mere pride, with both nations making their final RWC team selections later this month, there are a number of players who will be out to impress the selectors. In particular Charlie Hodgson at No.10 (or the guy least likely to be the new face of Wilkinson Sword) will be hoping to book a place in the first class lounge with Wilkinson and Toby Flood. England find themselves in a relatively easy RWC group, with potentially only Argentina or Scotland set to give them a hard time. Whereas, Wales have the likes of the Boks, Samoa and Fiji to look forward to….happy daze!

The other Northern Hemisphere clash this weekend will be the Scots hosting the Irish…well that one’s a no brainer really.

Mike Phillips gets a taste of late-night Cardiff.

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An appeal to Jacob Zuma – Save BDR, Save the Nation

4 Aug
CAPE TOWN/SOUTH AFRICA, 10JUN2009 - Jacob Zuma...

JZ's move to replace the singing of 'Bring me my machine gun' with Katy Perry's 'I kissed a girl' has been well received by most South Africans. Image via Wikipedia

This week has not been a pretty one for South African politics. After eyeing the mind-boggling valuations of Facebook and LinkedIn, Julius Malema has been in the news for repeating the call to nationalise the Big Daddy Rugby website – declaring it a valuable resource which will assist in shoring up his ambitions. Not content with upsetting the SACP, COSATU and a host of Helen Zille supporters, Malema has now decided to target media in general and Big Daddy Rugby in particular.

Since anyone who criticises a politician seems to get investigated by the Hawks, South African Police Services and the local library for overdue Asterix comics, we’ll address our response in an appeal to the President: Jacob Zuma.

Jacob Zuma, I know you’re one of our biggest readers, slipping in that quick Big Daddy Rugby fix between those achingly dull cabinet meetings, and so we have a few requests. Given that some of our readership are Afrikaans, we’d like you to ask Julius Malema to stop singing ‘Kill the Boer’ and instead replace it with the more gentle “Friday” by Rebecca Black. I think that would really help build the nation. We all like Friday’s after all. I could really see even the rowdier sections of Loftus getting behind Julius Malema in a rousing chorus of “What comes after Thursday?”

JZ, the country needs leadership, my friend. We applaud your recent move to replace your singing of the traditional struggle song “Bring me my machine gun” to the more relevant “I kissed a Girl” by Katie Perry. Who wouldn’t agree with the sentiments of that song? But we need more than simply your smooth vocal stylings. The nation needs someone to tell everyone to just chill out. There’s enough room for everybody here. Oh, and there are many bored office cubicle dwellers who depend on Big Daddy Rugby’s shameless content to get them through that tough 3pm to 4pm slot at work – so let’s icksnay on the nationalistion talk. I’m pretty sure North Korea tried that already and it didn’t work out to well for them.

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Big Daddy Rugby on Let’s Talk Sport

3 Aug

Big Daddy Rugby officially entered D-List internet celebrity status with our appearance and shameless punting insightful contributions on the “Let’s Talk Sport” Network.  Thanks to Chris, Brenden and Brendon for the invitation.

So at what point can we consider the video a viral success?  9 views on YouTube?  I’d say that’s pretty universally accepted as the “this video has gone completely mental” mark, don’t you?  Rebecca Black, we’re closing in…

On a side note that I was filling the shoes of the previous week’s guest: Jan a.k.a. ‘Player 23 from Vodacom’.  Let’s hope that no-one ever clicks on this link http://bigdaddyrugby.com/2011/02/16/major-fail-by-vodacom/ and notices the send up we did of him [Editor's note: Err... Smokey, can you please take down this paragraph? I'm still planning on getting a sponsorship deal out of all of this].

The Let’s Talk Sport site is available here.  It’s good to see someone trying to provide an alternative to the lame drivel we get dished up week in and week out by DSTV.  It’s shameful to think an entire country is getting its rugby views from Bobby Skinstad, isn’t it?

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On the road with Chilli Boy: 3

2 Aug

My best "Pretending to be listening to Dick" face...

Hi gang,

Well firstly, sorry about Saturday’s game. 40-7 isn’t pretty, is it? And while we’re at it 33 missed tackles isn’t great either, right? Yeah, we know…but as Coach Div says, sh&t happens…

But do you really want to know what isn’t pretty? Do you want to know what’s 1000 times worse than 33 missed tackles? Do you??

How does having Crowded House playing 24 / 7 sound to you? I’m talking about Crowded House playing on every radio station, Crowded House playing in every restaurant, in our hotel lobby, in our hotel rooms, on every TV channel,  when I switch the bathroom lights on, when I flush the toilet, outside my window at night when I’m trying to fall asleep…everywhere you go in this country it’s FRICKIN’ CROWDED HOUSE !!!

I know the Kiwi’s love to moan about the whole “Susie” fiasco back in ’95, but this is really taking things to the next level. Honestly, a lot of the boys were really quite upset by it, so much so in fact that Dean Greyling almost didn’t take to the field on Saturday. He was badly shook up and only an impromptu acoustic performance of “Hier kom die Bokke” by Gary in the changing room minutes before kick-off managed to snap him out of his zombie like trance. (By the way, Gary also does a pretty mean version of “Toxic” by Britney, which is available for download at his myspace page www.thegoldenchild.myspace.com ). It’s not an excuse for our performance, but our fans back home have a right to know just how challenging it is to play rugby in New Zealand.

I’m not going to lie to you folks, it’s been a tough old tour, but on the plus side there have been a few valuable lessons learnt, for example:

  •  If John asks you at dinner whether you’re done with your chips, you say “Yes”.
  • Always allow the air to settle for a  full 15 minutes before using the bathroom after Flip.
  • Never take what Coach Div says literally.
  • Always have your headphones handy when it’s Dicks’ turn to speak.
  • Don’t allow Ruan to get started talking about his “European Awakening”. He’ll never shut up.
  • Don’t challenge Danie at SingStar or Wynand at Twister.
  • Don’t allow Ashley to borrow any hair products.
  • Don’t lock yourself out of your hotel room wearing only a pair of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles underpants.
  • And possibly the most important one of all, delete all Crowded House tracks from any portable music players immediately!

Well folks, it’s been a pleasure writing to you all over the last few weeks. We’re really excited about getting back home and catching up on what we’ve missed in Binnelanders. Apologies again for not being able to sneak a win on the road. We tried. Sort of.

Until next time,

Chilli

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The Dumb and Dumber Bok kicking strategy

1 Aug

Oy vey… 40-7. A drubbing in any language. We’ve already skewered and quartered the squad last week – so what’s left for this week?

Hmm… oh yeah. Dick Muir and Gary Gold escaped a mention last week. So here goes.

I know very little about rugby – hence the reason I blog, instead of play or coach. But something stuck out to the untrained eye on Saturday. Almost every try scored by the All Blacks was preceded by a really awful Springbok kick. I really can’t understand the thinking. The Bok coaching staff have to realise that a new squad are going to struggle to form a cohesive defensive structure. So why the instruction to hoist the ball upfield aimlessly, right down the All Black back three’s throats and then dare them to run at you while your defensive structure is out of alignment? And if that wasn’t the instruction, if Morne Steyn just decided to wing it and ignore the coaching strategy, then why didn’t you send on the waterboy to bean him in the face for ignoring you?

What the hell? We at least expected some coaching from all of the staff SARFU have hired.  Really Dick Muir? 33 missed tackles?  Guess that’s your influence on the strategy of downplaying defense.

I’m not even angry at Deon Stegmann anymore – after all he isn’t picking himself to play. But how do the three coaches justify selecting a player whose understanding of the rules of rugby is like an 8-year old’s grasp on the plot of Inception after wandering in halfway through the movie? How do you select a player whose defence resembles the turnstiles at Ratanga Junction on the first day of summer holidays?

I’m a big boy now, I can handle loss. But it really gets up my nose when the coaching staff and players don’t seem to understand WHY they lost. I’ve gotten zero comfort from the fact that the three coaches seem to think that the reason for the scoreline was that they made too many turnovers. It’s not that simple guys.  Your problems run much deeper.

Things are not looking great. Sure Jake White took 47 against the Aussies and went on to win the World Cup. But I’m not feeling that good about this time around. I’ve always been highly annoyed by coaches who trundle out the “judge me on my World Cup performance” line. It is so Rudolf Straeuli 2003. I’m still waiting to shove my lemon pie in Straeuli’s face – and I suspect I won’t get my turn. It’s not just that they lost.   It’s how they lost. They played like they weren’t Boks.  And I find it hard to believe that the players are solely to blame for that.

Dick Muir and Gary Gold discussing their genius plan to take down the All Blacks with an aimless pointless kicking game..

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