I refuse to watch Currie Cup rugby this weekend as I am still wallowing in the pit of self-loathing that happens when the Boks lose. The usual self pity has taken on a new air of despair after having to watch Morne Steyn’s attempts at “tackling” and Deon Stegmann’s “Red Sea defence”. But on my way between the kitchen and the bedroom, in between the self loathing, I happened to take a quick glance at the TV screen and noticed somewhat suprisingly that Western Province are comfortably leading the Bulls in the 2nd half. I will say this, and only this, by way of detailed analysis:
It must be because they are getting more ball to Brok Harris to give him time and space.
Any takers for the All Blacks to put 50 on the Boks this weekend? I reckon PdV’s pre match preparation consisted only of talks about “keeping the score down”.
Just when you think Peter de Villiers can’t possibly go any lower, say anything dumber, or do anything more disgraceful than losing to a cream puff Wallaby side, he goes and …. totally redeems himself!
After last week’s embarrassment, I was ready to hand my chips in and say no more to PdV. But then when he was confronted by journalists this week about why he hadn’t picked his best squad to tour, he managed to pull out this sparkling gem;
“What do you mean by best players? The guys here at the moment, they performed in South Africa, in Super 15. There’s a few guys who didn’t make it that were also the best in Super 15. So best is a relative thing. Experience, then I’ll play Naas Botha too because he’s helluva experienced. “
The Nasty Booter - he's "helluva experienced".
He’s back baby! That touch of comic genius, the timing, the turn of phrase. It’s what we’ve all been missing in our Bok coach all season. He was admittedly an underdog to coach the Boks when his name was first thrown in the hat to be a contender. But those who underrated him, clearly had never seen his now legendary Woodstock stand up comedy act. Peter de Villiers was well-known in those parts for his edgy material often combining material about the Arab-Israeli conflict with biting social commentary in a frequently incendiary comic performance. Those who were fortunate enough to see his early material from the Woodstock comedy clubs never question his ability to be Bok coach. They even go so far to say Richard Prior stole most of his act from Peter de Villiers.
Well as long as he can continue to produce the comedic gems – he’ll continue to command a following amongst parts of the nation’s fan base. After all – it sure doesn’t look like this team is being technically coached.
And for the movie fans out there – here’s a reenactment of PdV redeeming himself on the Bok tour to Australasia, courtesy of the Farrelly brothers:
‘Just when I thought you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this… and totally redeem yourself!”
Let’s not beat around the bush here shall we, Saturdays’ game was a complete and utter cock up on our behalf.
The boys were all totally gutted afterwards and the locker room was a pretty somber place to be, at least that was the case until Flip let rip with the biggest fart that I have ever heard in my life! It wasn’t intentional, I think it had something to do with all those supplements they make us take in the build up to a big game.
Anyways, whatever the cause was it certainly lightened the mood and soon everyone was laughing and joking around again. Even Coach Div and Dick got into the spirit of things by seeing who could make the best fart sounds with their mouths. They had us all in stitches we were laughing so hard! If there’s one thing that this coaching team has taught us it’s to not let a Test Match loss stop us from having a good time.
The post match function that night was held at a really fancy hotel overlooking the Sydney Harbour. I’ve known some of the Aussie boys for awhile now so I had a pretty good idea of how much booze would be available and thus prepared myself before hand by eating a loaf of bread.
Poor old Hargreaves wasn’t as smart as me and had a rather unfortunate “accident” in the gents, which actually I probably shouldn’t even be mentioning here. (Don’t worry Ally, I’m sure that stain will come right out).
It had been a long week and alot of the younger players were exhausted and so opted for bed straight after dinner. Those of us who still had a little energy left headed straight up to Wynand and Danies’ room for the traditional ”Boks on tour” game of SingStar.
You might not believe it but Danie is pretty much untouchable when it comes to the game and has been the reigning Bok champ since SingStar “Take That” was released back in 2009. Although he’ll never admit to it his rendition of “Back for good” once brought Bakkies to tears. Yes, he’s that good.
Well readers, I think that’s about it from me for now. All is well here in Wellington, if you discount the fact that we’re playing the All Blacks in a few days time. I’m sooo not looking forward to this one.
Well, our Kiwi friends across the Indian Ocean have been making a big deal out of how Sunny Bill Williams is a really a boxer too – but it turns out they weren’t being completely honest. I may be the only person in the world who bothered to check up on just exactly who SBW was fighting and I found some interesting YouTube footage. I’m not sure it counts if your opponents are set up for you the way they seem to have been for Sonny Bill. Check out the footage below from his first professional fight against “Jabba the Hutt” Ryan Hogan.
Hmm… not exactly impressive stuff is it? It seems to me that Sonny Bill Williams’ boxing matches might just be the biggest stitch ups the world has seen since Hulk Hogan “defeated” Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III. Oy vey…
Sonny Bill Williams' next opponent hard at work making sure SBW's hard man reputation stays intact.
Location: Elands Bay (north of the train tracks – if you get to Lamberts Bay you know you’ve gone too far)
Locals: A mishmash of Swartland potato farmers, salty sea dog surfers, and crayfish poachers on the run from the law.
Tackling the bar: No “Bakkie Botha cleanouts” required
Eye's front
Pros:
1. Warm beds are available upstairs if post match celebrations push past the curfew
2. The patch of lawn out the back – you can ditch the family to get on with the weekly ritual of male bonding over a few cold ones and cussing the Aussie ref.
Beer Garden view
3. The ocean themed painted walls (with mermaids!) fits nicely with the super rugby franchise clocks.
4. Ample supply of Rooidop.
west coast vino
5. Dog friendly
Cons:
1. You’ll miss the early morning surf
2. There’s too much Rooidop – and many strafdops
3. That random 40-something male and his best friend, the ridgeback.
4. Seating at the big screen is a rare commodity
5. No offers of illegally procured crays were forthcoming.
There was some insane drooling coming from the Supersport presentators on Saturday which I suspect was trying to pass itself off as post match commentary. The gist was that post the Wallaby test we need to take it easy on this Bok team since they aren’t the first choice. Oh no, we disagree here at BDR. That, my friends, is BS. I refuse to take it easy on them as though they somehow aren’t a professional rugby team representing their country. This team wore the green and gold on Saturday, and for the rubbish they dished up they deserve to dragged out of their hotels and forced to watch 18 hours straight of Darren Scott and Arnie Geerdts, in high definition, on zoom mode.
First off, well done to the Wallabies for bouncing back after a difficult week. They were clearly the better team. Now onto the main course, let’s take the C team apart.
Villains:
Wynand Olivier signing autographs for Bok fans before the match on Saturday - Image via Wikipedia
Morne Steyn – Shocker of a performance. He showed he is only good for two things, banging kicks over from anywhere and escorting opposition flyhalf and centres into the Springbok in goal area. The amount of room he gave to anything wearing yellow was frightening. This guy could get a job of JFK international directing planes into their gates, because it is not as if he does any tackling.
Wynand Keeley Hazell Olivier – please, please, please. No more. No more wavy blonde hair in the back line “taking it up on the crash ball” when there are three unmarked players on the outside. He was second only to Morne in simply watching Ozzie runners drift past him. I could have sworn I heard him shout “Go Quade – you good thing!” as Quade ran past him.
Both props. A Bok prop should never be pushed around by anything in a canary yellow jersey. Ever.
Deon Stegman – Just stop. He doesn’t deserve a Bok jersey.
the rest of the loose forwards were non-existent. There was absolutely no mongrel whatsoever, it’s as though they spent teh week watching political documentaries about passive resistance Gandhi-style and decided that the best way to stop Australia would be to simply allow canary yellow jumpers to trample all over them. The defence around the rucks was putrid. I’ve seen better cover tackling at a My Little Pony tea party. Was that a hooker ghosting through tackles near a ruck? A hooker for Pete’s sake!
Those who actually took some pride in their performance:
Lambo – hell, when he was on the backline even resembled a group of players who vaguely knew each other he actually forced some tackles out of the Australians.
Ruan Pienaar – Did the most that could be asked of him given that the forwards did not bother to show up.
Mvovo – looked for work and was threatening when given opportunities.
Can they bounce back? There’s the little matter of playing New Zealand in New Zealand next week. So no. That horrible feeling in the pit of the stomach that started last week has now blown to all out nausea. Or put another way, the distaste I know feel has grown from ‘I shouldn’t have had that second Big Mac’ level to full blown “morning after the bachelor’s party and I’ve just realised my wallet and car keys are missing” disgust with myself.
Any talk of defending this performance by saying how inexperienced certain players are merely demeans the Springbok jersey. It would be one thing if they lost and showed a lot of heart. These guys lost while showing a level of commitment you’d expect from Charlie Sheen. They let the country down.
You might have come here expecting some sort of serious prematch analysis given that Saturday is the first test match of the season. You should have known better. It’s just way too hard for me to get up for this one. Maybe it is the fact that the supposed number 2 team in the world just got spanked by a tiny island nation, maybe it is the fact that the Boks sent their “C” team over, but I’m not feeling it.
It’s been said that guys like David Duchovny in Californication suffer from some sort of compulsive obsessive desire to chase the next high. They engage in reckless sexual behaviour compulsively and without enjoyment – yet they can’t stop. Test match rugby is starting to take on that twist for me. I know I shouldn’t take another hit. I know those junk dealers up at SANZAR are just lining their filthy pockets with my addiction, but still, I can’t help myself – I’ll be up and at ‘em in front of the flat screen come kick off time, shoving biltong in my mouth and trying to avoid direct eye contact with Darren Scott just like I used to when I was a kid – just desperate for that next fix of how rugby used to make me feel.
Perhaps I should just grow up and accept that too much test rugby inevitably means that individual encounters lose that special aura they used to have. Maybe that’s a notch you put in the shattered dreams bucket of “growing older” along with:
finding out that pro-wrestling is rigged
you’re not talented or driven enough to be the lead guitarist of the next big rock thing
that MacGyver guy is really just a phoney
finding out that work sucks – you’re not going to be carried in the arms of cheerleaders for a living
that moment when it dawns on you that Winnie Cooper doesn’t end up with Kevin Arnold
Hansie Cronje
But still we soldier on anyway, forking out our cash for SANZAR, still telling ourselves this test match will be different. I feel dirty already…
It’s a great feeling to be part of the Bok set up again and the boys are all really excited about Saturdays game. Although there’s a number of new faces in the squad everyone is getting on just fine, with tempers flaring only when a decision had to be made about who would share a room with Ashley. He’s a nice enough guy and all, but there’s something very upsetting about his hair. Plus, he doesn’t shut up about it either!
It’s a pity Kirchner’s not on tour as he could have made himself useful for once by bunking up with him and taking one for the team. Oh well…
We had a great practice session yesterday with a lot of intensity on display. Us forwards finished up a little earlier but I stayed on behind to watch the backs go through some of their training drills.
Dick really is an amazing backline coach. He’s come up with this crazy, fresh new move where the guys run forward in a straight line whilst passing the ball. It was pretty amazing to watch and there were a lot of high fives when they eventually pulled it off. Needless to say we were all on a massive high after that!
Everyone knows that one of the key elements of a successful tour is for the players to bond together as a group, so after dinner we usually have a team building excercise. Last night Gary suggested that we watch “Braveheart” in the hope that seeing each other weep would bind us together like nothing else. A couple of the guys weren’t so keen and suggested the Bruce Willis film “Armageddon” instead, but John refused as it was the film the team watched just before the World Cup final, and he likes to save it for “special occasions”.
Well, I think I better leave it at that for the moment. I’ve just heard that Wynand and Danie are having a game of Twister up in their room. Those guys rock!
In the words of the late great King of Pop, ‘I’m a lover not a fighter’…..well, most of the time anyway.
I for one have heard the now famous quote “Football is a gentleman’s game played by hooligans, and rugby is a hooligans’ game played by gentlemen” bandied around my local drinking hole enough times to make a little sick come into my mouth. But as with many cliches, there’s a certain truth to it.
Most of the time rugby is a game of controlled aggression, played by men who could easily tear their opponents heads off if the mood struck them. But every once in a while that all goes to sh*t and the players decide to go all ‘wrestlemania’ on eachother’s asses – and I’ll be honest….I kind of dig it!
ESPECIALLY when some geezer has stayed-up way past his bedtime, compiling a highlights package and putting the Clash as the soundtrack.
Drink it in my friends…fights just ain’t what they used to be…
We’ve all seen the glorious sight of Bakkies Botha’s fury unleashed on a rugby pitch as he rains blows down upon a helpless opponent trapped at the bottom of the ruck, but not many know that this man of steel had humble origins as a fine arts graduate.
The younger Bakkies graduated with a masters degree in Fine Arts from the University of Pofadder with stars in his eyes and a burning passion to reinvent the rules of stage theatre – he wanted to see his name in the lights on Broadway. Bakkies’ masters thesis was entitled “the Story of Winter – as told through the medium of interpretative dance” and his one man show was hailed by all who saw it as “a new direction for drama” (quote from the Pofadder Daily Post).
Bakkies performs his masters thesis - through the medium of interpretive dance. Picture courtesy of ESPN Scrum.
A short stint in Romanian cinema saw him take the role of the Little Shepherd Boy in the cult indie classic film “Pablo Finds a Pebble” and the future looked bright for our young actor who had left Pofadder armed only with the ambition in his heart, his faded Andy Warhol t shirt and a pair of really short shorts.
Soon Bakkies would be involved in avant-gard theatre performances throughout Eastern Europe as the former Soviet Union collapsed around him. It was there, in a little dusky Warsaw theatre where Heyneke Meyer spotted Bakkies Botha and immediately recognized that he could solve Meyer’s problems at the Bulls. Heyneke was looking to bolster his weak Bulls squad by adding the kind of man who rips faces off of Antipodeans for the sheer enjoyment of it. Fortunately for South African rugby Bakkies just happened to be giving a particularly intense performance in the role of Hannibal Lecter that evening. Heyneke offered him a Bulls contract on the spot after the show… and the rest is Springbok rugby history.
Bakkies went on to win Super rugby winners medals with the Bulls, Tri Nations gold, a World Cup winners medal and a win over the British Lions. Along the way, he also managed to earn a bit of infamy for the odd eye gouge, a Jimmy Cowan headbutt (hey, who wouldn’t want to headbutt Jimmy Cowan?) and earned the respect of his peers by returning to the locker room at half time with a lock of George Smith’s hair.
You’ve still got a few years left in you Bakkies and place in your cabinet for one more Rugby World Cup medal. Make little Makkies proud.
A little while ago Big Daddy Rugby put together a list of potential “playas” who could make up Rugby Unions’ very first boy band.
Well it looks like a number of golfers from the PGA read that piece and decided that they best act quickly in order to beat the rugby boys and get their single out into the market place first.
It’s an excellent first effort from the “Golf Boys”, but I believe that the first single, “Straight into touch” from our boys – “Quick Ball” – will put them in the shade.
Look out for it folks, it’s going to be ground breaking stuff!
You can tell it’s quiet in the rugby world when we run a story on fashion. In a scheme worthy of Baldrick – England have hatched a cunning plan to beat the All Blacks this year in the World Cup. They’re changing their away outfit to an all black outfit (England’s RFU lawyers want you to note the small “a” and “b” there – they are legally very important). No doubt the thinking is that suddenly wearing the traditional colours of the host nation will do several things, including win over some local support and the support of the Newlands unfaithful as well as turn a somewhat mediocre team into serious challengers. But the jersey is just step one of their dark plan.
The rest of the steps to England’s Kiwi mastery include:
All England flyhalves will now be called “Dan” regardless of their actual names.
Martin Johnson will start behaving like that eight grade Latin teacher you used to have – and not a rugby coach.
All open-sided flankers are to immediately wear too much gel in their hair and act really suprised whenever they are penalized for anything (in particular if you are pinged for hands in the ruck flankers must look at the ref as though they’ve just discovered he has eight heads)
At least one backline player is to sport a rat tail
All locks in the squad to behave like tools at any opportunity (players named Chris Jack excepted)
Centres will be allowed to call each other “Sonny Bill” and arranged fixed boxing matches against drunks
Anyone with remote ancestry to Fiji, Tonga or Samoa who can handle a rugby ball is to be immediately offered UK citizenship and their choice of a first date with either Kate or Pippa Middleton (for rugby qualification purposes having watched Samoa’s 1991 triumph over Wales will count as having “ties” to Samoa)
The old farts at Twickenham must be congratulation themselves – it certainly beats putting in the hard work at the training ground. However, like all of Baldrick’s cunning plans – there is one fatal flaw. If England in their new all black strip run into France in a quarter-final or semi-final match, they’re completely poked.
England have a cunning plan - Pic courtesy of the Daily Mail
Stefan Terblanche: Fined for daring to be interesting - Image by Ryk Neethling via Flickr
Will Carling once famously called the administrators of the English Rugby Union, “old farts”. Well the old farts in tweed jackets smoking pipes at Twickenham can move over: there are new “old farts” in town – SANZAR who recently showed their savvy by fining Stefan Terblanche $2000 Aussie dollars for “abuse of social media”.
Terblanche’s shocking tweet that got him in all this trouble?
“SANZAR again being very impartial. The Sharks not even allowed to take who we want on tour. Pathetic!!”
“Not allowed to take Swanepoel who has been part of squad all year and toured with us for 4 weeks. He didn’t play 4 games. Caleb Ralph, Reds?”
What a load of asses. Terblanche actually said something interesting for a change unlike 99.99% of rugby players who inanely tweet that the guys are looking forward to Saturday and that Habana has been looking good in training. The useless knobs at SANZAR have made it clear that social media and interacting with fans is all great as long as you don’t actually reveal your opinion or personality.
What’s next? All postcards from the Rugby World Cup to be edited and reviewed by the thought police? Hey SANZAR, wake up and smell the coffee – you can’t treat your fans with contempt in an age where you’re competing with the internet, videos, entertainment systems and iPods for the time and attention of your target market.
Let our sportsmen have personalities please – they’re competing with the Double Rainbow guy on YouTube for our attention after all.
For those of you still feeling rather sore about the lack of SA teams in the Super 15 finals, you can heal your wounds by looking at this oldie from 2007.
Bryan - why do you continue to snub us? Image via Wikipedia
Well the inaugural Super 15 season is done and dusted and we’re all twiddling our fingers waiting for the Tri Nations. In a somewhat muted ceremony under a streetlamp in the car park behind Checkers, Big Daddy Rugby, had their first Super 15 awards ceremony. It seems once again SARU has the rub on us, preventing the players from showing up to this unsanctioned media event.
Worst commentator of the tournament- Hugh Bladen (lifetime achievement award)
Best commentators chirp – Phil Kearns – as camera pans over the Waratahs’ coaching staff who happen to be former front rowers “you can see worried looks on the faces of the Waratahs’ brains trust” to which Rod Kafer replies “Brains trust Phil? I bet they’ve never been called that before”
Shortest shorts – Reds
Most overhyped players
Biggest gaffe – PdV’s comment that Sonny Bill Williams will be exposed at a higher level
Finest cheerleaders – Sharks (again)
Most approachable rugby celeb on Twitter – Ewen Mckenzie
Weirdest tweets from a rugby celeb – Luke Watson
Stadium with the biggest assholes in the stands – Newlands
Stadium with the worst “ambience” music – Loftus
Moment of the season – Reds winning the season of years of copping abuse from every team on the planet
Lazarus award – Andre Pretorius (was that really him emerging from the crypt to play for the Lions?)
Player most frequently spotted out of position – Brok Harris
Lamest SANZAR move – awarding 4 points for a bye (WTF?)
Most out of shape player – Ricky Januarie
Best studio guest – Ashwin Willemse (representin’!)
Studio presenter’s face least suited to being shown on High-Definition TV – Darren Scott
Moment when you knew the Stormers were going to cock up the season again – Earl Rose drafted in to the squad for the overseas tour
Player most frequently described as “due for a turnaround in form given all the hard work he’s been putting in at the training ground” – Bryan Habana
The South African Rugby Union is contractually obliged to send its *cough* strongest team to New Zealand and Australia for the away leg of the Tri-Nations. Of course, only a lunatic would risk playing valuable assets like Schalk Burger and Fourie du Preez with the World Cup a matter of weeks away. So what to do to get out this pickle?
You wily fox you.
PdV’s solution? A creative injury list that would do the folks at Enron and Goldman Sachs proud. Here’s the list of players who are on the *cough* injury list and their respective reasons for non-availability:
Duane Vermeulen – Knee injury
Schalk Burger – Just received a complete box set of the Wire on DVD and needs time to “get into it”.
Victor Matfield – new hairdo needs time to settle before it can be seen in public
Frans Steyn – existential crisis
Jacque Fourie – recovering from a bad breakup and not feeling “up” to seeing people
Jean de Villiers – cramp (is there any other reason?)
Juan Smith – shoulder is a “bit sore” of playing cricket in the nets
Willem Alberts – depressed
Bismarck du Plessis – working on his book deal with Jannie in attempt to steal his brother’s limelight
Andries Bekker – pants were too short during last game, hurting “a bit”
Jannie du Plessis – answering Agony Aunt letters
Francois Louw – had a night out on the tiles, feeling a bit “poorly”
Gurthro Steenkamp – can’t miss season finale of Dexter
Francois Hougaard – needs to look for new pink boots in Benoni
Butch James – Mom expects him to come over for a braai on the day of the first test
JP Pieterson – Not in a “good place” mentally
Tendai ‘The Beast” Mtawarira – Still queueing at the Department of Home Affairs
Bryan Habana – still feeling a bit hurt after he copped abuse during ‘open question’ time at Sweet Valley Primary School’s “Meet the Boks” day
Bakkies Botha – celebrating his five year anniversary with Victor Matfield with a bottle of bubbly and the first season of “Frasier”
Hats off to Pieter de Villiers for managing the injury list creatively, while still managing to fulfil the letter of the law. You wily fox you, Pieter, you’ve got a career at Goldman Sachs just waiting for you. Just make sure you don’t put any money on the Boks this Tri-Nations.
