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Archive | June, 2011

The new racists: ‘pseudo-Kiwi’ supporters at Newlands

30 Jun

The old SA flag waving racists have all packed their bags and moved to Perth. There’s a new racist in town: the pseudo-kiwi at Newlands.  These idiots ruining the experience for everyone are not to be confused with real New Zealand rugby fans. I’ll proudly buy a round of drinks for any Kiwi fan who has made the trip over to the Republic.  I’m not talking about the genuine articles.  I’m talking about the “pseudo-never been to New Zealand” knobs who can’t get over this country’s past.

What part of Cantebury are you from?

The Kiwi fans I’ve met on my overseas travels have been nothing but kind and good mates. My beef is with those knobs who wave the All Black flag at Newlands as a political statement like a big middle finger to the New South Africa.

We’ve gotten over the past here at Big Daddy Rugby. We’re a part of trying to build this country up and trying to turn something beautiful out of a country that was once divided, a place that overcomes its history of hatred.  But the pseudo-Kiwis are doing nothing but showing us that they still live in the past and do not want reconciliation.

Seriously dudes… It’s not 1986. Huey Lewis isn’t on the radio and Marty McFly isn’t storming up a barn in theatres everywhere.  Its a new country, its a free country – and if you don’t want to be a part of it, shut the hell up and let the rest of us try to build a country that’s worth living in.  You can join your kin at Oranje and the sleepy suburbs of certain less-than-diverse expat destinations.

For the rest of the Kiwi fans in Cape Town: You are more than welcome here, have a drink on me and enjoy the game buds.

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Francois Steyn shows Dunning how its done

29 Jun

This is a monster… Francois Steyn didn’t just get this over, he belted it over.  I reckon he could have nailed this one from his own 22 metre line… look at the carry on that baby.

Like a kid in a candy store

28 Jun

Oh dear…our friend (and he really is one of Big Daddy’s favourites!) Gavin Henson has slipped under the radar a bit hasn’t he? Oh well…there’s no use crying over spilt fake tan, so chin up and chest out…as this old dog has few more tricks up his extra tight sleeve! The Gavster has been branching out from the ‘day job’ quite a bit recently. There was his appearance in the BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing last year – great for the ratings, but not so good for dance appreciators – with Gav displaying about as much grace and poise as Stephen Hawking on a half-pipe. This year he also took part in an Arctic survival show in which he had to go without a face mask for a full two weeks and in his words, ‘risked my life seven or maybe eight times’.

Your place or mine? (Gavin Henson set to appear in The Bachelor)

The good news for fans such as me is that Gav is now set to appear in the UK version of the hit US show The Bachelor – in which 25 models compete for the Welsh crumpet’s affections. This is a whole new ball game for Gav, who has been on the single scene for over a year now and is apparently looking forward to ‘getting to know the girls before taking them home’ for a change. It’s bound to be classy stuff!

I’m pretty darn sure he’s particularly looking forward to having a household of (let’s face it!) call girls to compare grooming techniques with. I can’t wait for the episode with the full back, sack and crack.

The future’s bright, the future’s orange…

Matt Dunning goes for glory

28 Jun

For the benefit of props everywhere…

The ridiculous thing about this drop goal was that his team needed the bonus point not a drop goal here. What an ass.

Bryce Lawrence: the first legally blind man to officiate a Super Rugby match

27 Jun

Here at Big Daddy Rugby our girlfriends and wives readers often accuse us of being too cynical and mean-spirited.  So we thought we’d cover a feel good story for a change. One of those triumphs of the human spirit/overcoming the odds stories that will get you through an otherwise bleak work week.  We’re putting the spotlight on a true human inspiration – Bryce Lawrence: the first legally blind man to officiate a Super Rugby match.

Bryce Lawrence shortly before the Sharks Crusaders match

Set back as he is by his inability to actually see anything in front of him, Bryce has had to overcome more obstacles than most in order to referee at the highest level. Most people who are incapable of spotting a forward pass, late hit or foot on the touch line might decide that officiating a professional sport probably isn’t a good career choice.  But plucky Bryce has kept at it and despite his inability to penalize anything resembling a New Zealander, Bryce has been awarded the highest honours a referee can be given – officiating at both Super Rugby and Test Rugby.

On Saturday our plucky referee had the whistle for a crucial knock out game between the Sharks and Crusaders.  He put in a brave performance and his blindness was only evident for a few occasions.   Sure, he penalized the Beast for a “dangerous engagement” BEFORE the Beast actually engaged with his opposite number and he had a general disregard for New Zealand hands all over the pill at ruck time, but critical Sharks fans must remember the tremendous obstacles Bryce has had to overcome in order to officiate.

For someone who is incapable of sight, his performance with the whistle showed a lot of moxie.  For that Bryce, you’re an inspiration to us all.

Besides Sharks fans – it’s not like having a sighted official would have made a difference.

Jonah Lomu – Where are they now? (Part 2)

25 Jun

When Jonah Lomu first made an appearance on the world rugby stage – they had to rebuild it with steel reinforced concrete – such was the size of the man. Some say that widescreen TV was invented just so that we could see more than his flexed bicep in one shot. There’s even a rumour that along with the Great Wall of China Jonah is the only ‘man made’ feature visible from space – in which case the astronauts on the Mir space station must have enjoyed watching him storm on to the scene in 1994, becoming the first truly worldwide rugby superstar.

He left an indelible mark on the 1995 World Cup, not to mention the one on Mike Catt’s face when he used it as a doormat on the way to scoring four tries in the semi-final against England. This might have led to England Captain Will Carling’s famous description of him as ‘a freak…and the sooner he goes away the better.’ His words – not mine.

Jonah gives Mike Catt a taste of his studs (Getty Images)

So where is the big man now? Well luckily there’s no whale big enough to swallow this Jonah and his disappearance is down to the fact that he retired from rugby in 2007 – though returned to the game to play for a French club in 2009. He’s even turned his hand to amateur bodybuilding, having won a competition in Wellington by eating his opponents whole and using their bones to pick his teeth. He is also set to play an ambassadorial role for the All Blacks in this year’s world cup. We can only assume this will involve being part of the welcoming committee for the England team. Jonah needs his boots cleaned.

Jonah shows off his new pair of budgie smugglers

Sharks vs Crusaders detailed game analysis

25 Jun

S@&t. Well that was predictable. There goes the weekend…

Super 15 regular season wrap – the Big Daddy verdicts

24 Jun

The regular Super 15 season is over.  It’s time to judge the franchises and see who is found wanting…

SA Conference

Bulls – Fortress Loftus turned into Sandcastle Loftus this year. Losing at home to the Highlanders is a pretty big low.  Especially when you consider that the Bulls also took over the reins from the Highlanders for worst mullets of the competition (I’m looking at you Francois Hougaard).  The late season running of the Bulls was too little too late this year. Is the end of Heyneke Meyer’s influence?  I suspect Loffie has been riding the coattails of his predecessor.

Cheetahs – The Cheetahs can point to arguably their best season of Super Rugby yet. When that’s an eleventh place finish you know you don’t have a lot to be proud of in your Super Rugby history.  The real issue facing the Cheetahs is how they will they be screwed by SA Rugby when it is time to make a spot for the Southern Kings next year. Always the team that plays with the most moxie – despite having the most questionable cheerleaders.

Lions – Lions fans have suffered yet again. Despite having all the right starts to the pre-season (the backing of Elton Jantjies and a genuinely scary coach in Mitchell) Ellis Park continued to be an accident scene for anyone wearing red and white in 2011. A promising display on the overseas leg of their season was a bit of a silver lining in an otherwise gloomy tournament.  Two away wins overseas is something red and white hasn’t seen hasn’t seen since the days of Francois Pienaar.

Sharks – The Sharkies started off strong and then managed to squeak into the playoffs after the usual mid tournament cock up. Maybe it is the flash in the backline that is missing, maybe it is the craziness of having John Smit marshalling things from the bench, but the Sharks just don’t have that magic from a few seasons ago.  Although they made it to the post-season they left far too much on the table.

Stormers – Despite a midseason wobble (and being written off by this website for it) the Stormers have ground out gritty wins week after week. Alistair Coetzee has certainly staked a claim for replacing the ‘stache as Bok coach post World Cup – in addition to being the cuddliest coach in the tournament. Now if only those “Kiwi” supporters would stop showing up at Newlands.

NZ Conference

Blues – Now known as “the other Crusaders” the Blues have restored their reputation this season as not only have the worst tattoos and fake tans on display in Super Rugby but as one of the toughest nuts to crack – both home and away. They have added  a more complete rugby style as they move away from an “island style” of throwing it everywhere.

Chiefs - Who? Are they still in this thing?

Crusaders – Am I the only one going to point out that the decision by SANZAR to award a tie for the game cancelled by the earthquake ended up costing the Crusaders 2nd place on the log? When you run on the field against the Crusaders make sure you have already wet yourself in the changing room – these guys will embarrass you on field. They will destroy you, rub you in the dirt, and then finish their workout off with a few unnecessary pushups for good measure.

Highlanders – The men who wear skirts were the first team to break open the bank at Fortress Loftus for many a season with an away win over the Bulls. They haven’t been able to convert the momentum of that win into a significant run, and as a result finished mid-table in a very tough conference.  Sad times may be ahead for the Highlanders, after conceding the worst mullets title to the Bulls – they also will be giving up the worst jersey title too.

Hurricanes – It’s been all downhill for the boys in yellow without a pack since the Hurricanes let Jonah Lomu, Christian Cullen and Tana go. When you get beaten at home by the Rebels you know it’s a long cold winter.

Australian Conference

Brumbies – How the mighty have fallen.  It’s a long way down from the days of Joe Roff, George Gregan and Larkham.  What a bunch of rubbish this team dished up in 2011. Brumbies management got what they deserved, if you sack the coach before the end of the season you deserve to get your short-shorts handed to you each week.  Back in the day, you used to put out your B-team in Canberra as you never really stood a chance. Now even the Lions have scalped them at home.  Jake White has his work cut out for him next year.

Rebels – Stone last – but a surprisingly good stone last if that’s possible. Big Daddy Rugby tagged the newbies from Melbourne to be the whipping boys of the 2011 Super 15, but they finished the season with the scalps of the Force, the Hurricanes and the Brumbies. For a team whose pre-season philosophy might well have been “keep the score down boys”, they can rest on their laurels as a franchise modestly started.  If only the Eastern Cape franchise would claim three wins in their first season.

Reds – To paraphrase Phil Kearnes, a few years ago if you owned a Reds rugby jersey you were ashamed of yourself.  Now, you’re probably wearing it to work every day and sporting a Quade mullet.  Between “the Coop” and Ewen McKenzie this franchise turned 2011 into the year that they finally delivered on their promise.  The Durban of Australia awaits its first home semi in ages.

Waratahs - 2nd on the Australian log and so earned a spot in the post season, but they did not look convincing at all.  A weak pack, backline players with silly names and a loss to the Rebels mean that they are not striking fear into any visiting team’s hearts. They couldn’t even point to a Matt Dunning drop goal attempt to cheer themselves up.

Western Force – As a relatively new franchise you’d expect the Force to be dwelling somewhere near the bottom of the log, but still a few points clear of the absolute skunks. And that’s exactly where they ended up.

Bring on the post-season!

Don’t try this at home…

23 Jun

Extreme training methods ensured that Sebastien's handling skills were a cut above the rest.

We’ve upgraded – Join our Facebook campaign

22 Jun

There’s certainly a tech bubble on.  If it isn’t the LinkedIn IPO or Groupon filing their S-1, it is Big Daddy Rugby lavishly spending the $12 dollars required to purchase their domain name. We promise not to let the big spending change our hard hitting editorial integrity now that we’re awash in Web 2.0 “tech money”.

Heck we even have our own Facebook page now.  Visit us here on Facebook and “Like” us to show your support for those of us who are sick of crummy commentator.   We need just a few more Facebook fans to get our own official URL on Facebook.   If you missed out on U2 when they were still a small high school band and wrote them off as “unlikely to succeed” don’t make that same mistake again.  Get in on the Facebook Big Daddy Rugby campaign before we really make it big.

Tell 'em Mark Zuckerberg sent you.

Separated at birth (Part 17) – Zane Kirchner

22 Jun

Zane Kirchner: You wanted to be Krusty’s sidekick since you were five. What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college?
Gerhard van den Heever: I’ll thank you not to refer to the Blue Bulls Youth Academy that way.

Dear Dr Jannie: The 3rd letter

21 Jun

Dear Dr Jannie,

I’m a 24-year-old man and I’m already starting to lose my hair, and with it, my confidence.

I’ve never been particularly successful with the ladies and now with my rapidly receding hairline I’m worried that things are only going to get worse for me in this department.

I’ve tried all the various “off the shelf” remedies but unfortunately they’ve had absolutely no effect at all.

My question to you Dr Jannie is:

“Comb Over” or “Clean Shaven”?

What do the ladies prefer?

Follically Challenged

Dear Follically Challenged

When Bismarck and I were growing up on the farm “Groot Oupa” used to make us toss a coin to see who’s turn it would be to shave his back.

Now if you had met Groot Oupa you’d know that this was definitely not a task for the faint of heart.

The best way to describe the man would be as a cross between a St Bernard and a Puff Adder. I used to dread the experience of being shut in the garage with him, with nothing but a bucket of warm water, a rusty old BiC razor blade and some Bless Bridges softly playing on the radio. Thankfully, through my medical training, I’ve learnt to deal with those painful memories.

Bismarck on the other hand, well, I swear he used to love performing this task.
Whenever he “won” the coin toss he could barely hide the excitement on his face and on one occasion he even blurted out “Suck Jannie, you dick! It’s my turn!” before rushing off outside to the garage.

On the occasions when Bismarck was not needed he did an OK job of disguising his disappointment, but I did start to notice a disturbing coincidence between his “losing” and that of our family dog “Blitzkrieg”  having sections of fur missing from his back.

Take from this what you can and move forward with confidence.

Go well!

Dr Jannie.

Get ready for the Computicket FAIL

21 Jun

Stormers fans entering the special circle of hell that is dealing with the Computicket sales experience. Abandon all hope all who enter here.

Ever tried getting tickets for the Boks at Newlands?  Ever tried lining up for U2 tickets in South Africa? Ever thought it was a good idea to watch your rugby team in a Super Rugby playoff game?  Then you’ll know the special circle of hell that is dealing with Computicket.

I think it is a safe assumption to make that the moment that the tickets for the Stormers semi-final at Newlands go on sale that Computicket will crash.  Those who have had the courage to line up outside stalls will be told “Sorry we are experiencing high volumes.” Those logging onto the Computicket website surreptitiously from work will be greeted with the “connection timed out” error message.

Why? It is so simple, they must know that there will be a surge in volume the split second the tickets go on sale, yet it is inevitable like the rising of the sun that Computicket will FAIL us on Thursday.  We can only conclude that either Computicket is not in fact a loving overlord of ticketsales as it would not allow us to suffer so if it loved us, or we are forced to conclude that Computicket is in fact powerless to stop the FAIL because of its own incompetence and stupidity.

Why Computicket, why? Why do you hate us  so much?

Crusaders can rest on their laurels… this one is in the bag.

20 Jun

In an absolute cracker of a knock out match between the Bulls and the Sharks, the Sharks qualified for the post-season of 2011 Super Rugby with a 26-23 away win at Loftus. I reckon the celebrations must have lasted all of ten minutes after they got into the changing room, which is the amount of time it took for them to check their Blackberries, log onto a more reputable rugby site than ours and discover that their post-season opponents were the Crusaders in Kiwiland.

Oh #$^t. Game over boys. Now I’m pretty sure that all the “serious” rugby sites will talk a good game this week about how the Sharks have a lot of confidence this week, they’re looking good and that Plumtree is some kind of a Kiwi shaman.

But anyone with a memory that extends further back than one season will remember that we’ve been here before and it ends in tears, boys and girls. Saffer teams don’t win post-season matches in Kiwiland.

Perhaps it is the drinks they serve on Air New Zealand, perhaps it is the taunts of the Newlands unfaithful carrying over the Indian Ocean, but either way by the time the Sharks run onto the pitch in New Zealand they will be reduced to tackling bags for the Crusaders.

Yip, I suspect the Sharks sympathisers at work will now be spiking my coffee this week and perhaps unfriending me from Facebook, but so be it. The Crusaders can safely rest on their laurels… this one is in the bag. All the Crusaders need to do is show up on Saturday. Now I’d love it if Crusaders coach Todd Blackadder had the balls to admit that in the pre-match interview.

It's been nice knowing you... see you next year...

It ain’t happening folks. Stop getting your hopes up.

Separated at birth? (Part 16)

19 Jun

My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Isn’t the world a lovely place
My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Everywhere you go, a smiling face
Running and skipping; merrily tripping
Watching the morning unfold
My Little Pony, My Little Pony
What does the future hold?

A bag of crisps for Bryan Habana, anyone? Anyone?

17 Jun
Bryan Habana goes for the line.

In the words of Bob Dylan - There's a slow, slow train coming up around the bend. Image via Wikipedia

Supersport’s Brenden Nel reported earlier this week that Bryan Habana got the snub from Toulon for asking for an outrageous R21 million contract. Clearly Habana thinks it is still 2007 and that the sun still shines out of his oversized bicycle shorts. Habana seems to forgotten that since the golden days of 2007 when he stood at the tippy top of the rugby world, he has slowed down to the speed of a Telkom customer service line and added the handling skills of an eel juggling a bowl of Jello.

The Habana of pre-2007 would never have been caught from behind during last week’s Stormers’ v Bulls game. And I stand under correction, but I suspect that the pre-2007 Habana had a better haircut too. Sure, the pre-2007 Habana might actually have been worth shelling out that amount of money. But R21 million in 2011?  Bryan – what have you been smoking?

The Toulon owner who bankrolls the French rugby club was apparently big fan of Habanero but I suspect must actually have seen some footage of the slow coach since negotiation.  Chippie the Cleaner Our reliable source in the Stormers camp reports that Habana and his dad are in new negotiations with an as yet unnamed English team to bring “ol’ faithful” up North. Apparently this time Habana is being more realistic and has reduced his asking price down from R21m to a more modest offer of:

-        a packet of crisps,

-        Seasons 1 through 4 of the Wire on a DVD box set,

-        and a complete set of “Mr T from the A-team” collectors cards.

At this stage whether or not the Wire box set needs to still be in its original packaging seems to be sticking point on the negotiations.

That’s more like it Bryan.

Where are they now: Cabous van der Westhuizen.

15 Jun

Oh Cabous, Cabous, where art thou Cabous?! How could we forget (even if we wanted to) the flowing mane and Impala-like stride of the former Natal Sharks and Springbok speedster? Cabous played the game back in a time when it was still okay to ruck a man’s face and shake his hand after the match, a time when the word ‘flamboyant’ in SA rugby was defined by having all your own teeth or ordering a salad with the rack ‘o’ ribs at the local streak-ranch.

Cabous certainly stood out from the rest of the pack, even if that did mean looking like a Thundercat. No disrespect intended – the man could play rugby and the stats back that up. He holds the record as being the most capped player for the Sharks in his stint there between 1992 and 1998, as well as scoring the most tries in one season. Go you good thing!

So where the hell is he now? A recent survey revealed that 60% of people believe that he went on to establish a successful hair salon and brand of ‘wet look’ hair products. The remaining 40%  think he is soon to be making an appearance on the big screen in the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean movie – as a rum smuggler with an eye for the ladies.

Nick Slaughter from Tropical Heat

It turns out Cabous has in fact relocated to the tropical isle of Mauritius, where, in addition to perfecting his all-over tan, he has opened and runs a popular beach bar. Oh yes, you read that right my friend – and I know what you’re thinking…..why does this sound so familiar? Maybe because we knew all along he would eventually become Nick Slaughter from Tropical Heat.

Cabous with 'lady friend'

Big Daddy Rugby Drinking Game – 2011 Super 15 edition

15 Jun

With weekend 18(!) of this year’s Super 15 approaching, we thought it was time to update the Big Daddy Rugby drinking game, with a special “Super 15 final week of the group stages” edition. If you’re planning on catching a case of the swine flu from the tip of an Amstel glass tomorrow and making it a four day weekend, you can start this one early. Remember to line up your drinks before kickoff and to take a swig each time on of the following happens:

  • Hugh Bladen gets the score wrong during the broadcast (double down if this is a crucial error like pointing out that they don’t have a bonus point yet, when in fact they do)
  • Butch James get a yellow for high tackle (it brings a tear to my eye to be able to bring this little gem back into our drinking game)
  • You find yourself strangely attracted to Mark Lawrence
  • Arnold Geerdts’ abnormally orange glow forces you to adjust the contrast on your tv or to put on sunglasses
  • Bryan Habana fumbles an up and under (but talks a good game about how he has rediscovered his pace)
  • Brok Harris cocks up a backline move by being at first receiver instead of clearing the ruck
  • A Bulls substitute runs onto the park sporting a mullet that would make even Quade Cooper cringe
  • Stewie Dickenson penalises a non-Aussie team on a 50/50 call
  • Bizmark throws the “one-incher” at the bottom of a ruck
  • Conrad Jantjies shanks a clearance with a kick that resembles a tee-off on the first at Royal Cape’s “open to the public” day.
  • Saffer player does a little “eye-gouging” during the game before thanking the Lord in the post-match interview
  • Wynand “Keeley Hazell” Olivier impersonates a human cannonball by running straight into the crashball instead of noticing the three man overlap on his outside
  • Supersport commentators are wearing the exact same outfits as though they are 10-year old boarders on their first day out
  • Eyeing out that brunette Sharks girl hottie pre-match was as good as it got for your rugby watching weekend
All in all, enjoy the festivities this weekend boys and girls. We have to take those guaranteed South African victories when they’re up for grabs.

Dr Evil plots his revenge on the Stormers

14 Jun

Somewhere deep under the Pacific Ocean Dr Evil Naka Drotske sits in his undersea lair plotting his revenge on the Stormers this weekend.  In true South African style, you can bet your bottom R5 coin that the Cheetahs are going to be raising their game this upcoming weekend in order to screw the chances of the rest of the country.

In a tradition that goes back to the earliest days of the Super 12, the minnows of South African rugby save their best games of the season in order to screw up the chances of other local teams. You can bet the Cheetahs will be on top of their game this weekend.

Hell, we could make it a double header.  The Cheetahs can screw up the Stormers season and the Bulls can be knocked out of the Super 15 by the Sharks.

Who remembers Gaffie du Toit saving his one good game of the season to eliminate the Stormers and when the Bulls were still the doormats of Super rugby to them pulling one out of the fire at Loftus to dick up another Sharks season?

You can be sure that the SA teams already eliminated from the competition will be pulling out all the stops to stuff up everyone else’s season.  Who will the new villain of SA semi-final hopes be this time around?

Geez boys, I thought we’d grown out of the “if I can’t have it – no one else can” mentality.

Dr Evil Naka Drotske will be putting it all on the line to stuff up Cape Townian dreams this weekend.

Dear Dr Jannie: The 2nd letter

13 Jun

Dear Dr Jannie,

I’m not a man of many words, so I’ll keep this short.

I’m worried about my son. He’s ten years old and he enjoys doing things like playing with dolls, sewing, dancing and watching Oprah.
He has no interest in sports or any of the normal things that a boy his age should have.
I’m starting to get worried now.

Please help.

Concerned Dad.

 

Dear Concerned Dad,

When Bismarck and I were growing up on the farm we used to share a bedroom. The only rule we had was that if the door was shut, then one should knock and await a response before entering. It was Bismarck’s idea and I must admit that at the time I found his suggestion a little strange.

One day I was out in the garden practising my drop kicks when I suprisingly connected one sweetly. The ball flew off of my bare foot and seemed to travel for a mile.
I lept with joy and raced up the stairs eager to tell Bismarck what had just happened, but alas, in my excited state, I broke the one and only bedroom rule and barged straight in.

Bismarck spun around in horror, his face red with rage. We both froze like statues and just stood there staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Then all of a sudden Bismarck erputed and started screaming “Get out Jannie, get the hell out of here you dick!!”  I was shaken. Bismarck was furious.

As I started to back out of the room it dawned on me that his face was quite a bit redder than the usual shade displayed when he’s angry. That’s when I noticed Mummy’s make-up kit open on the table, a few of her Sunday dresses on his bed and a pair of her high heels already on his feet.

I shut the door, walked outside and continued practising my drop kicks.

Go well Concerned Dad, go well.

Dr Jannie.

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